Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. A phone that grows with your child.

Meet the Other Phone.
A phone that grows with your child.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU - how do I avoid telling them?

254 replies

Noopnoop · 21/09/2023 04:16

This is very long but I'll get it out as soon as I can.

I'm about to receive a life-charging sum of money from compensation for a car accident. I've developed a disability, had to give up a career I loved and I live in constant pain. My issue is that I don't want my biological family finding out.

I have always been the one to resolve problems for them whether it be financial or otherwise. They've continually made bad decisions and I've often been left to sweep up the pieces. My DGM always talks about money but also spends it as if she isn't on a fixed income. I've been the opposite. I left school with no GCSE's as I was the sole carer for mother and siblings. My "mother" was extremely abusive and did what she could to destroy me. I managed to leave home, completely an Access course and get to uni. I did drop out but stayed in the city because I met my partner. We bought our home, I went back to Uni and have worked really hard to get to where I am. I never had a stable roof over my head growing up as the rent was never paid on time and we always had bailiffs knocking on the door, something I was left to deal with as a child. DP and I also own a couple of rental properties. We've saved and gone without so we could pay off large chunks of the mortgage.

Despite the accident and being in pain everyday, I also started a business which whilst small is successful and is enough to take care of my partner, child and I, partner had to give up work to care for me.

I don't have parents and only have a grandmother and siblings but they rely on me for advice to the point that it's made me ill. When I've pushed back, I've been told that I'm selfish etc. When I discussed last year that I would be receiving compensation, my GM literally put her hand out with a smirk on her face. I've never asked for anything from my family as they've always been unreliable yet they've asked me for everything.

We visited my family in the spring. I don't drive so we made the hours long journey by train. The journey was awful and I was left in severe pain to the point of vomiting. When I arrived at my GM's, I sat down and she literally thrust some papers in my hand and told me to sort out some benefits issue she had. No welcome, or asking how I was. I underwent therapy to help me process everything I've been through and as a result I've pulled back from them quite a lot.

TLDR: abusive family, I'm about to receive life-changing amount of money. How do I tell my family the case isĥ over without revealing any amounts? I know if I did it would make my life so much more difficult.

OP posts:
LovingMyLiver · 21/09/2023 08:01

Tell them all you've been given ten million pounds and they're getting fuck all. Then move house, change your number and never contact them again 😀

rainbowstardrops · 21/09/2023 08:03

Visit in October if you must but as you said they don't contact you, do the same and don't contact them!
I wouldn't give any information during that visit. Just shrug your shoulders and be vague. At the end of the day, it's none of their business anyway.

Mistressanne · 21/09/2023 08:04

I remember a work colleague whose dgd, 3, was getting a few thousand as a result of some minor medical injury. She was excitedly telling us of the holiday her dd was planning for the whole extended family. Not a thought about putting the money away for the dc in future.
People are appalling.

Ohambassador · 21/09/2023 08:07

So you see them very rarely, they love hours away and your DC never ever sees them

i imagine it will be very straightforward for them never to find out

Thoughtful2355 · 21/09/2023 08:11

Honestly for me it would be..... Oh yeah i was given comp ages ago, put it into investments so that i cant use it :)))))) .... I wouldnt want anything to do with them.

BreatheAndFocus · 21/09/2023 08:15

Just say that the continuing case was to see if you were entitled to an additional sum and that no, you weren’t. If they then ask about the original sum, say it’s already been used up in mortgage/daily living/house decorating and improvement, etc. If they ask how much it was, say it was less than you thought. If they persist, make up a figure that could easily have been used up by the mortgage/house/car/whatever.

In future, tell them as little as possible about your life.

CiderJolly · 21/09/2023 08:19

Charity starts at home, you’re not loaded from the sounds of it so any spare money put in an account for your boy for when he is older and will need it.

If family ask about the money tell them to mind their own business. If they push it, be honest, you don’t owe them anything, you’re not responsible for them. Fuck ‘em!

Pudmyboy · 21/09/2023 08:21

VisionsOfSplendour · 21/09/2023 05:55

It sounds like your life would be a lot better without these people in it, why not stop contact with them?

This! Don't feel guilty about your DGM behaviour when you disclosed your inheritance, sheand her child are the abusers. From your description they bring nothing but heartache into your life and your little one doesn't need that sort of role model in his life

MikeRafone · 21/09/2023 08:22

If they ask and certainly don't offer information - state the money has had to be put into a trust therefore you can't access the money. If they then question further, you get a small pension from this money and its just about enough to live on. If they want to know why its to ensure your future. Trust can't touch and for your future bulk of money is locked away. Money is locked away, can't access money and its been done for your future. If they say "thats selfish" - fine its your opinion your welcome to your opinion - don't argue with their opinion as its totally irrelevant. remember its ok to look after yourself and whether they label that as selfish is their issue (the reality is they are selfish and want to share your pay out) just keep repeating your welcome to your opinion but mine is different.

whether you put the money in a high interest ISA and take the tax free interest is p to you, somewhere like the Kent alliance is paying 5.79% monthly interest for 2 years on an ISA - its your choice

bellocchild · 21/09/2023 08:22

You could say you took legal advice and have set up a trust to provide long-term finance for your partner and family.

Persipan · 21/09/2023 08:22

Stop trying to earn these people's approval. It isn't worth anything. If they call you selfish, well so what? Some awful people think you're selfish. Whatever. Stop telling them things about your life. They will only use the information against you. They don't care about you, so they don't get to share in your life, and certainly not in your money.

LilyJessie · 21/09/2023 08:24

You don't need to tell them anything to be honest?
If they ask say "it's private" ...

Totaly · 21/09/2023 08:25

Any money you give them will be money taken from your sons future.

Think about that!

I would also think about an ISA and savings for him and lock the money away - perfect excuse.

Say you was advised to lock the money away for his future as you didn’t want him to struggle like you did. Money has effectively gone.

nettie434 · 21/09/2023 08:28

I agree that you have no obligation to tell them. They have form for trying to get hold of other people's money so don't let them see any chink in your resolution to use the money in a way that helps you and those that actually care about you. Keep any information as minimal as possible and above all make sure they think there is nothing left.

The compensation is for you, for the pain and inconvenience you experience, not for them.

I'm another poster who loved @MrsTerryPratchett's reply - well said.

Pashazade · 21/09/2023 08:30

Agreeing with everyone else that no contact is the way to go. If this family member that you do get on with is actually decent they should have no issue with meeting you somewhere other than your GM's house. Please don't go there again you need to be free of her and all the awful treatment you've endured.

nevynevster · 21/09/2023 08:31

100pc with the PPs. First of all, the money you will receive is intended to cover any treatments you had/need for injuries as well as compensation for distress etc. Usually the latter is not the huge amount (this isn't the USA) and so remember this is primarily needed to cover your losses (loss of earnings, cost of treatments etc). If you give it away then you don't have it to cover the things you NEED.

Secondly just don't give them the details, say it ended up being less than you thought after fees etc and/or that it was put in trust so you don't have access as it's intended to pay an annual amount to cover treatment costs not a lump sum.

Finally... after paying any essentials ... lock it away in a bond or something with restricted access. Then you can't easily get at it !

Flakey99 · 21/09/2023 08:33

Sounds like you struggle not to answer their probing questions?

If so, get your husband to help you do some role play practice where he pretends to be your DGM or whoever and keeps pestering you for answers and you try out different phrases that close down the conversation.

Eventually you’ll get the hang of batting away their questions and stupid comments without feeling anxious or guilty.

Emmaemmeline · 21/09/2023 08:34

@MrsTerryPratchett thought provoking and beautiful advice

@Noopnoop I agree with what has already been said here’s my advice in case it’s needed !

1 Visit in October , mainly to meet up with nice relative
2 If you can , stay 2 nights in a hotel , the night before and night of the visit
3 Make this visit the last ( use the time to say goodbye to all the bad memories and revisit any nice memories / places you remember with affection … I hope there are some )
4 If asked about the money , say something non committal and vague
5 Make the rest of your life the best life that you and your little family can have

Namechangedtoanswerthisone · 21/09/2023 08:36

Don't tell them, it's none of their business.

Don't visit them, its not helping your health at all.

Don't guilt yourself into doing what they want all the time. Break free from the abusive controlling family. Good luck

LadyEloise1 · 21/09/2023 08:36

Pinkflamingopants · 21/09/2023 06:41

It would be easy to not tell them if you go NC. They sound horrible.

This 💯

NeedToChangeName · 21/09/2023 08:41

Since they already know there is a compensation claim, and it's easiest to keep a lie close to the truth, I think the best reply would be "less than I'd hoped for and it's all been spent already"

I'd often thought that the relationship with my family was transactional, they were only in contact with me for what I could provide or do for them. As soon as I stopped doing everything, they stopped contact And, use this to your advantage, Be less available. Be less capable eg "Sorry, I don't know how benefits work. Perhaps Citizens Advice could help with that"

mommatoone · 21/09/2023 08:45

@Noopnoop sorry to hear about your situation .
If they ask , like others have said - tell them you have paid off the mortgage and put the rest in a trust fund for DS which he cant access until hes 18. That should keep the grabbing fuckers away for a while!

TurtleCavalryIsSeriousShit · 21/09/2023 08:45

I received a life-changing amount after an RTA (not in the UK). I didn't tell any family members how much I got and I don't even have an abusive family. We just told everyone that it was private.

I really don't think you should have contact with them. They sound like awful human beings and the less you see them the better.

Use the money to make your life (and that of DC) better and secure and don't for a moment care what anyone thinks of it.

MeMySonAnd1 · 21/09/2023 08:45

Op… I only read your first post which talks about all the stuff you do to keep in touch with them, traveling sooo many hours to visit them, getting sick with worry sorting issues for them. Why on Earth are you doing that to yourself? They are far away and unpleasant enough to cut them off but you insist in keeping the relationship going.

It is not unusual for people playing the saviour role in families to keep perpetuating a toxic relationship out of a misguided sense of duty, you have cared for them for so long that you find it difficult to stop yourself. Honestly, to your conditioned mind it would look as an insurmountable task but it is not, it is as simple as stopping visiting them, block them on your phone and social media and if they insist, changing your number. They are not even close enough to you to come and knock on your door.

I understand however that these simple actions can be done in a few minutes but you may need months of counselling with an empowering counsellor to stop feeling guilty about closing the door on them, but in the meantime… fake it until you make it, shut that door and don’t allow your guilt or sense of duty to open it again.

ThingthatgoesFFSinthenight · 21/09/2023 08:47

Wow OP. You are inspirational.

I wonder if a slightly different approach might be better than either being vague or telling them it’s all been spent. My concern is that if they have any sense of things may be being different to the lie or sense you are being evasive they might dig and push. You might cave or slip up. You could cut all ties and then it wouldn’t matter, and good god you’d have the backing of us all if you did, but if you think you might have continued contact then consider this;

Chose a fake amount of money that sounds right but is much much lower than the pay out. So say the pay out is 10000 you say it was 1000. So close and memorable but much much less.

Then you say you are disappointed that you can’t help them out more. You then give them all a ‘generous’ gift from the lower false amount. So in the example above you keep 500 and share out the rest. Or even divide it equally between you all.

It sounds like they don’t come and visit you so wouldn’t cotton on to what you are spending.

I know this is devious as hell but I think it would mean the least chance of you coming unstuck and telling the truth if they start digging. Because it would be done and over and you’ve done your ‘duty’ to them (you owe them nothing of course!). You could look on with amusement as they show themselves to be ungrateful CFs because you just know that they won’t show you any gratitude!

Any way. Just a thought. I would rather, for you, that you just cut all contact, but I have issues with family and cutting contact isn’t as easy as it sounds sometimes, I know.

Best of luck! You deserve to have a happy and contented life.