AIBU - how do I avoid telling them?

[Noopnoop]

This is very long but I'll get it out as soon as I can.

I'm about to receive a life-charging sum of money from compensation for a car accident. I've developed a disability, had to give up a career I loved and I live in constant pain. My issue is that I don't want my biological family finding out.

I have always been the one to resolve problems for them whether it be financial or otherwise. They've continually made bad decisions and I've often been left to sweep up the pieces. My DGM always talks about money but also spends it as if she isn't on a fixed income. I've been the opposite. I left school with no GCSE's as I was the sole carer for mother and siblings. My "mother" was extremely abusive and did what she could to destroy me. I managed to leave home, completely an Access course and get to uni. I did drop out but stayed in the city because I met my partner. We bought our home, I went back to Uni and have worked really hard to get to where I am. I never had a stable roof over my head growing up as the rent was never paid on time and we always had bailiffs knocking on the door, something I was left to deal with as a child. DP and I also own a couple of rental properties. We've saved and gone without so we could pay off large chunks of the mortgage.

Despite the accident and being in pain everyday, I also started a business which whilst small is successful and is enough to take care of my partner, child and I, partner had to give up work to care for me.

I don't have parents and only have a grandmother and siblings but they rely on me for advice to the point that it's made me ill. When I've pushed back, I've been told that I'm selfish etc. When I discussed last year that I would be receiving compensation, my GM literally put her hand out with a smirk on her face. I've never asked for anything from my family as they've always been unreliable yet they've asked me for everything.

We visited my family in the spring. I don't drive so we made the hours long journey by train. The journey was awful and I was left in severe pain to the point of vomiting. When I arrived at my GM's, I sat down and she literally thrust some papers in my hand and told me to sort out some benefits issue she had. No welcome, or asking how I was. I underwent therapy to help me process everything I've been through and as a result I've pulled back from them quite a lot.

TLDR: abusive family, I'm about to receive life-changing amount of money. How do I tell my family the case isĥ over without revealing any amounts? I know if I did it would make my life so much more difficult.

The lawyers put it into a scheme to pay my medical expenses. Like a trust, so we can't use it for the wrong things

I think this is a great idea. I also think you should go and visit your other relative somewhere else.

I don't think you should call your family at all. I don't think you should visit them either. I don't know why you think that relationship is good for your child when it's so horrific for you. I really would use the money for counselling and think seriously about going no contact. They are just users.

I've also got my doubts about the nice relative. Why would a nice relative visit such toxic people ? Remember you can't tell that nice relative anything about the money either because one day it will get back to them.

OP- you've been through a hell of a lot. I'm sorry your family won't acknowledge this. I hope you feel seen here.

You've had lots of useful advice. I just wanted to say I see you.

Can you not meet the nice family member elsewhere? Why does it have to be at GM's house?
Can you meet them an hour away, before they get GM? If they are aware of the abuse & situation maybe they wouldn't mind making a detour for you so you wouldn't have to make a longer journey.

If these people bring nothing positive to your life then you are allowed to keep them out of your life. Stick to a phone call a couple of times a year. If they ask anything of you then just say you are not able. It sounds like travel to them really isn’t feasible for your health, so just stop. You don’t owe them anything.

Your GM is 90 and is coming to the end of the road. Let other family members or a social worker sort out her benefits. Have minimal contact.

If they ask about the court case say it is resolved, you won, legal fees were astronomical, the rest has gone to home adaptations and into trust for your DC. And you don’t want to discuss amounts because you signed a non disclosure, or it wasn’t as hoped.

Even if you buy a palace out of it straight away, it is to meet your needs and your child’s. If they argue with that and say they should have had money, then cut off contact.

This was life changing for YOU, you have been through so much, court cases are exhausting. I am so glad for you that it is at an end and you received compensation. I hope it makes a real difference for you and your family and that you start to have some relief from the physical pain now this stress is over.

Sorry for what happened to you and clearly you are suffering terribly. I would focus on your family and make sure your son is taken care of and stop telling your GM about your compensation and don't give her any money and look after yourself.

I had slightly similar, many years ago although much less extreme.

I’d had an injury, a very grasping cousin knew about it and was clearly waiting to pounce and try to get compensation (she actually went to ask a solicitor if she could be compensated for the emotional trauma of my accident, when she wasn’t there, didn’t see the aftermath, and in fact hadn’t spoken to me in 2 years when it happened).

When the case was resolved I told everybody that the lawyers had the money and used it to pay for the private medical treatment, ie said that the lawyers would just pay the hospital directly. I acted vague and said I didn’t even know the total amount, just how much treatment I could have each week.

That’s not actually how it works but they won’t know that!

How about

"I got paid out and the amount has nothing to do with you "

I agree with the others. Just say it’s been spent.

In regard to the other family member, he's asked me to meet him there as he always comes here. He's never asked me for anything so I don't mind obliging on this occasion.

Also, if we get a hotel room, we can leave whenever I want.

@AbacusAvocado That's clever

They all sound toxic I wouldn’t even bother with them.
I wouldn’t tell them a thing and don’t feel pressured to help.
The accident was clearly a big deal and will affect you long term and I couldn’t be around people that want want want and minimise what I’m going through.

A word of caution, the money might not be all yours once it arrives in your account. I have heard of someone who had to repay for services received free while no compensation but once they had the money certain things had to be paid leaving them with very little money. True or not be careful and maybe that could be your way out of saying yes you now have an incredible amount of money in your account, while you work on no contact.

The money you would have given them - use it to really bolster yourself. Whether that’s by spa days for life or therapy or anything really. Name the pot of money so every time you use it you’re healing a little more of the past. Breaking the cycle of abuse and neglect that has gone on for generations is MASSIVE. Its really hard and unusual- I cannot tell you how proud I am as a random stranger (who has suffered from generational problems) Your son is extremely lucky to have you.

Protect yourself and your mental health. Do not underestimate what you have achieved. It’s incredible.

Just tell them it was settled and the moneys all gone. Lie.

I think it's an excellent idea suggested by a PP to tell them the case has been resolved and it allowed you to pay off your mortgage.

Anything left over? No not much unfortunately but you're just glad it's all over.

Do not get into details just say it was enough to pay off your mortgage.

Have you decided what you will do with the money? Obviously not asking you to actually share what but I hope / assume you will be investing it for the future and sticking to be truth with them - with minimal details - will be the easiest. I sense that you are worried though by the fact that they will likely turn from you if you don't provide and that you seeking from them - concern, unconditional love etc - something that they have never shown you and that actually you have to come to terms with that almost finally. I am so sorry that they haven't stepped up for you following your accident. You sound awesome in the way you have coped thus far.

Yabu for telling them anything about it in the first place when you know what they’re like- cut them off op, life’s too short

You tell them too much and allow them access to your life through that.

I would not bring it up myself and if they do, I would lie. That it wasn’t as much as thought and that the terms of the payout mean that the solicitors hold it and are paying out for your ongoing medical costs so that you won’t see a penny. Also, lovely idea about donating but again I would hold that for now as you don’t know how your condition is going to develop over time. You might need it in later years.
🌺

@MrsTerryPratchett that's a lovely post & I agree. OP is admirable.

Just wanted to add how awesome you are. You have endured so much and worked hard to ensure that your traumatic upbringing ends with you. Sending you love and positive thoughts for your future and your own family going forward.
as to your GM and extended, unworthy family- I would be very vague about the compensation - these things take time, lawyers draw things out, when it comes hopefully we’ll get enough to pay our debts (mortgage is technically a debt) legal fees are very high… DH can’t earn, looking after us is hard work, 24/7 since the accident, finances have been tight, I need an adapted xyz- maybe you can lend me a few thousand so I can buy it now ? … not lying just evading.
(note, it’s compensation for your severe injuries to make YOUR life become closer to where it would have been, it’s not not not extra cash for a jolly. Courts don’t give money away for personal pleasure so if you have “won” it it’s because they know you will need it - it’s not like winning a lottery !)

@Noopnoop I can't edit my post above.

But I also agree that you shouldn't mention that you have received the money during the October visit (lie if necessary, they don't deserve the truth).

Have a pleasant visit for once and enjoy seeing the family member you like. Book a nice hotel to stay in so it is easier for you. You can afford some little treats now and good for you, you deserve it. You sound so lovely & mentally strong.

Definitely do something specific for yourself. Everything you have talked about is about giving to others. This is your money for your life enhancements. Leave money on your will for everyone else once you know your needs have been looked after.
I'm not sure if you don't drive because you physically can't or just you never learned. But if because you never learned. Set yourself a challenge to learn, get a car now that would suit your needs. This will give you your independence and freedom, allow you to do a school run, sports practice, trip to hairdresser etc.
The accident has taken away a huge amount, now use the money to take something back.

I agree with a PP, the compensation you are going to receive is just that, compensation for the damage you have suffered, it is not for the benefit of others, but it is to improve your own life. Be selfish!

It's absolutely not your fault that they are the way they are or that they treat you the way they do. Abusers will abuse. And as others have said you are amazing for turning things around and creating a great life for you and your own family. Give yourself all the credit!

But can you make things even better by taking steps to protect yourself more effectively?

Maybe you've been unknowingly teaching them the wrong things.

You've taught them that you will call them if they don't call you. You've taught them that you will come and fix their problems. You've taught them that you will be open about your life and finances. You've taught them that you'll travel to help them even though you are disabled and in pain. You've taught them that you'll do all this despite past and present ill treatment and abuse.

This is all great for them and they now think it's your default and will complain if you deviate from it. Problem is, it's not great or even ok for you. It's terrible for you! (And they don't care.)

But you are still putting them first. And finding ways to justify this to yourself.

Here's the thing. You have choices. You don't have to be in contact with these people. You don't have to call them and you can block if they call you. You don't have to tell them anything. You don't have to accept their judgement of you as selfish or anything else. You don't have to visit them. You don't have to let GM see your child. You don't have to worry about whether she throws out an expensive piece of furniture. As the Americans so usefully say, not your circus, not your monkeys.

You don't have to go and see them in October. You don't have to go and see them in October EVEN IF a family member whom you like and whom your child likes has asked you to. It is perfectly reasonable to say no to people you like. I do it all the time! If the person you like, likes you back they will at least make an effort to understand your situation. Your needs are still important whether the person who asks you to do something unpleasant likes you or not. Whether your child likes them or not.

If it turns out that the family member, after explanations, can't or won't understand, then what do you owe them and why are you putting their needs/requests first and "obliging" them when otherwise you wouldn't do it? Why are you obliging ANYONE in this situation? Are you (understandably) happy to have one family member who doesn't treat you badly and do you perhaps feel it's a quid pro quo and you have to say yes to them in return? But then would someone who cares for you really want you to undergo physical pain and be forced to relive trauma just because they always come to you and feel it's your turn to go there?

Hopefully, therapy has helped and is helping to unpick some of this and enable you to figure out why you might be punishing yourself by undergoing any amount of physical and mental pain catering to people who will never, ever, return the favour. If you understand why, whether it's ingrained habit, or the result of trauma, or hope that they'll change, or fear of consequences, or not feeling you're worth it, or something else, it may become easier to step back even further and consider no or severely limited contact. And think how lovely that will feel! Best of luck to you.