AIBU - how do I avoid telling them?

[Noopnoop]

This is very long but I'll get it out as soon as I can.

I'm about to receive a life-charging sum of money from compensation for a car accident. I've developed a disability, had to give up a career I loved and I live in constant pain. My issue is that I don't want my biological family finding out.

I have always been the one to resolve problems for them whether it be financial or otherwise. They've continually made bad decisions and I've often been left to sweep up the pieces. My DGM always talks about money but also spends it as if she isn't on a fixed income. I've been the opposite. I left school with no GCSE's as I was the sole carer for mother and siblings. My "mother" was extremely abusive and did what she could to destroy me. I managed to leave home, completely an Access course and get to uni. I did drop out but stayed in the city because I met my partner. We bought our home, I went back to Uni and have worked really hard to get to where I am. I never had a stable roof over my head growing up as the rent was never paid on time and we always had bailiffs knocking on the door, something I was left to deal with as a child. DP and I also own a couple of rental properties. We've saved and gone without so we could pay off large chunks of the mortgage.

Despite the accident and being in pain everyday, I also started a business which whilst small is successful and is enough to take care of my partner, child and I, partner had to give up work to care for me.

I don't have parents and only have a grandmother and siblings but they rely on me for advice to the point that it's made me ill. When I've pushed back, I've been told that I'm selfish etc. When I discussed last year that I would be receiving compensation, my GM literally put her hand out with a smirk on her face. I've never asked for anything from my family as they've always been unreliable yet they've asked me for everything.

We visited my family in the spring. I don't drive so we made the hours long journey by train. The journey was awful and I was left in severe pain to the point of vomiting. When I arrived at my GM's, I sat down and she literally thrust some papers in my hand and told me to sort out some benefits issue she had. No welcome, or asking how I was. I underwent therapy to help me process everything I've been through and as a result I've pulled back from them quite a lot.

TLDR: abusive family, I'm about to receive life-changing amount of money. How do I tell my family the case isĥ over without revealing any amounts? I know if I did it would make my life so much more difficult.

Agree with everyone saying avoid contact, they sound absolutely awful.

If you can't do that at the moment you could say the money is to meet your future needs and is in a Trust and your trustees won't authorise payment to them as they have to act in your best interests.

If you actually did want a trust you can btw, doesn't cost much to set up, maintains ongoing entitlement to means tested benefits and you and partner can be trustees.

All the best OP. Take care of yourself.

(From a personal injury lawyer)

Op I’m sorry you had to be in an accident in order to get this money. I’m sure you need all of it to protect your small immediate family not a bunch of vultures.

ive had a couple of thoughts. Could you make October’s visit the last one you do? Just carry on the lie that you haven’t received the money for one last time. And then go no contact. Alternatively lie and say you have put it in your pensions. As a pp mentioned above if you say you spent it on paying your mortgage they might think you have more daily money to give to them but putting it in a pension means you can’t get it back until you retire.

I expected everyone to say the opposite.

surely not op

read your op. Clearly you don’t think you’re being unreasonable and with good reason

Of course you just don’t volunteer the information. If I were you, and they asked, I’d just answer mind your own business. That would be the same for anyone I didn’t want to discuss my finances with, all that would change is the tone I said it in.

I take my hat off to you op.
You have survived a traumatic childhood and come out the other side, this shows your strength of character, I'm in awe at what you have achieved ❤️
Now use that strength to remove these people from your life.
I agree with pp that you should lie about the payment.
"Yes, dgm, we received the payment, not as much as we'd hoped but enough to pay off the mortgage, thank God, it's taken a lot of financial pressure off as we have been pretty much living hand to mouth since the accident"
Then slowly phase them out, it'll probably be easy if they don't contact you first and if there's no money looming the chances are you'll have outlived your usefulness and really won't hear from them.
Take care of yourself and your little family, you're doing great ❤️

@pickledandpuzzled i say this. In my case it’s true (but that’s irrelevant).

I’m saying the same line with inheritance - say it’s in trust as per the will and can’t be accessed for 10 years (or whatever). If challenged I say “ooh that’s interesting, do you have knowledge of trusts, can I bring the paperwork over and you tell me what the 500 pages of legal speak means?”. Or maybe “the lawyers could do some work to change the trust but that would mean paying them up front - your share would be £20,000, what do you think?”

People tend to shut up then.

Note: won’t work if DGM is a retired lawyer, but it doesn’t sound much like this is a possibility.

I've voted YABU @Noopnoop because I think you were to tell them about a payout in the first place. Why did you do that?

@MrsTerryPratchett wow, this left me in tears. There has clearly been generational trauma but I refuse to let it continue. It's the main reason I sought therapy. I've felt that I've really had to learn how to parent as I had no role models for parenting, growing up. I will protect my DS with all of my being to ensure he is free from all of it.

I'm not perfect, I'm sure I'll get things wrong but I love him and I respect him as a person. I don't shout at it or lose my temper. If he gets upset or has a tantrum, I do the opposite. I will be calm and focused on him. I want to be his safe space for however long he needs me to be. I also don't see him an an extension of me. I believe that both my M and GM are narcissists. My M was truly insane. If I would go out as a teenage, I'd have to wear her clothes. At 12 she accused me of sleeping around. I loved reading as a child and once told her I'd like to be a librarian. She responded with "I doubt you'd even be a cleaner in a library".

She was 18 when I was born. Statistically, I should have followed her path. My life has not been easy especially now having a disability but this money will make our lives easier and I just want the three of us to be happy.

I think in terms of this visit in October, even if the money has come through you should fib and say it hasn't been settled yet, hopefully by Christmas. If you're there in person and she keeps asking you about it I think it's better not to say you've received anything. If you do she will probably keep asking you about it which is harder to shut down if you're there in person.
And as she doesn't call you , you don't need to disclose any information then after that.
It's shocking that you had a life changing accident and became disabled, restricting yours and your partners ability to support yourselves and her first thought was a handout for herself. Totally unacceptable.

Does your son have any interaction with these people op?

Christ, just cut these people out of your life. Stop calling and stop visiting - easy.

meet the one decent relative elsewhere you want him in your life.

@PortalooSunset I told my GM initially because it seemed like such a minor incident. It looked like I might get a little for whiplash etc. but issues developed afterwards.
This was also at a time when I wrongly thought we had a good relationship so I could tell her anything.

Please learn to not discuss your finances with anyone, particularly family members that have behaved appallingly to you.

I would strongly advise you reconsider going in October to your GM, instead why not meet that family member another time. Yes it’s convenient for them to see you, and to also have you there as a buffer, but it also puts you front and centre to receive more hurtful and selfish behaviour from your GM. Protect yourself, you don’t have to go along with other people’s plans, especially if they are harmful to your physical and emotional health.

Isn't the last line you have written, your answer?

@Ohambassador my DC only really has contact with the family member that I do get on with. No other contact apart from that.

@Lemons1571 thank you. I will definitely take this advice. My family aren't professionals so this won't be an issue.

"That's private" tinkly laugh

Firstly, well done for achieving everything you have in such difficult circumstances

I would not see her ever again (or phone her). She is nothing but toxic and you really don’t deserve this. Same applies to any other family members who behave in the same way.

Don’t bring up the money to any of them. If they contact you, just use a white lie and either say you lost the case in the end or it turns out you only get just enough to cover any medical costs and the money is paid directly to the doctors.

Stop telling people your business.

I wouldn’t tell anyone about this money and if they know you’re getting some then make it a much smaller amount that you actually receive.

If they ask for any money say no.
If they fall out with you over it, then so be it.

I think you need to back away from this relationship for your own sanity and health.
I know it’s difficult because family is family and these sort of people are expert manipulators.

You don’t need to go NC but just reduce your contact and start saying no more.

Please repeat this ;
I don't have to tell anyone, anything about my life.
Keep on saying it.
Say no to them, say it in your head enough times so it becomes your stock answer.
Don't engage with them at all.
FWIW , my late husband would tell people personal details; it upset me and I would often tell him firmly that he should think about who he was telling those personal details to. He seemed to think he had to answer any question and answer truthfully. No one has to tell everyone their business.
You need to learn that.

Wise words.

Just do not phone them. Do not visit. Your life will improve

I would just say the case is settled, I’m not happy, I didn’t get what I wanted and I don’t want to talk.

even if they were lovely and amazing family members, that’s your money to compensate a life changing accident that has severly reduced your quality of life. That money might make things easier but it still isn’t enough to make up for it. You owe them nothing imo. It just makes it easier that they are not friendly.

sorry if this is crass or too blunt. You just deserve to not feel guilty ☺️

You are amazing OP, I'm in awe at all you have achieved! Now you just need to take that last step and give yourself permission to cut your abusive family members out of your life, or at least reduce contact to phone calls if you can't bring yourself to cut them out completely.

I absolutely understand why so many of you have questioned why I still have relationships with these family members. I really have reduced it and will continue to do so. My therapy has helped but I think I wanted reassurance that I wasn't being unreasonable and I thought at least here, I'd get the truth.

I'm looking forward to this next step and for the legal nonsense to be over. It's been difficult for a very long time.

I had earmarked a certain amount for family members but instead I will donate it to a couple of local charities and community gardens that my little boy enjoys. It will be much better spent there and it will help to ensure that others can continue to benefit. Despite my pain and other issues, I feel like I can actually start living.

I just want to thank you all for the combined advice but also the reality check of quite how awful my family have been. Sometimes you need different perspectives. I really appreciate it.

This isn't so much about the money, but the relationship. Sounds like if you got 2k or 20m that their hands would still be out and you don't know how to deal with that. You owe the people nothing, every penny you have spent on therapy is wasted the longer you continue to communicate with them. Cut them out. Go and live the life you have fought so hard to build despite them.
Don't lie, don't hide, don't tell and just learn to say no and good bye.
Do expect the comments "oh not good enough for us now you got all that money", "you were always a strange one", "ungrateful so and so" etc. Ignore it, let them simmer in their own poison.