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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To not want to entertain my mum

142 replies

AlyssaHasAChaaaaild · 20/09/2023 15:04

Mum is 84 and really fit and active. She moved in with us 2 years when my dad died and on the whole the new family dynamic works well. There are now 6 adults in the house all on different schedules but it's a happy household and she likes the coming and going. The point of her moving in was so that she wouldn't be lonely and that's certainly worked well.

BUT she wants to go out and do more eg cinema, theatre, day trips etc. So far she hasn't done any of this because she doesn't want to go alone and she has no friends.

DH and I live quite separate lives where he goes out a bit with friends and for his hobbies, kids are regularly in and out, but I am a total homebody and rarely go out at all.

Mum has now announced that she wants to go out once a week and do something but she is expecting me to join her partly for her own benefit but also she says because it would do me good.

It's making me pretty fed up. I'm happy to have her here and she does whatever she pleases and we accommodate her. If she needs a lift or help then I always drop everything, and during the day we spend a lot of time together. I feel like I'm doing my bit. I don't want to go on these outings but am being guilt tripped that if I don't then maybe she won't go after all so it's my fault that she has a boring life.

Am I being selfish?

OP posts:
Freezingcoldinseptember · 20/09/2023 15:06

Remind her she is a grown up now and you aren't a child minder.. Or she could consider a more suitable place to live where there are other like minded people..

TiredMamOfTwo · 20/09/2023 15:08

Suggest a care home where she'll find like minded people. GrinWink

LaurieFairyCake · 20/09/2023 15:13

Obviously you don't have to take her, you're an adult and you can't be her only source of entertainment - perhaps facilitate her to go to a day center, an age concern group, U3A group etc

But separate to that I'm a tiny bit concerned by the 'you rarely go out' - what's that about? Feel free to ignore, you're the adult Grin

VeridicalVagabond · 20/09/2023 15:14

Aww I feel kind of bad for her.

I'm a homebody too but I haul myself out once a week to go do something with my ma. She's one of those "every minute not spent doing something is a minute wasted" kind of women so we do a lot of random nonsense she's booked us on. We're going to make autumnal wreathes this weekend apparently. Next week it's a sushi making class of all things.

Maybe we should link up our mothers and they can go out and do stuff together and leave us in peace 😂

3dogsandarabbit · 20/09/2023 15:14

I can see why at her age she wouldn't want to go to these places on her own. What about Age Concern, they do organised events and she may meet someone there who would be happy to do these things with her.

Goodornot · 20/09/2023 15:16

I am a total homebody and rarely go out at all.

I'm with your mum on this. That's really unhealthy. Why?! Perhaps she is trying to gwt you out rather than wanting to go herself.

Mothership4two · 20/09/2023 15:18

Have you looked into meet up groups or community clubs for her? I am a homebody too but would be happy to take my Mum (active 83 yo) out once a week (but that's me). Would you be prepared to take her out once a month maybe? She's right it probably would be beneficial for you to get out as well but if you don't want to you don't want to.

pickledandpuzzled · 20/09/2023 15:23

I'm like you, I get forced to go places with her and it really gets my goat.

I have limited spare energy and want to spend it on things I enjoy- gardening, cooking, board games, sewing... all at home.

If you are in a busy household, you don't necessarily need the stimulus from outside.

My idea of heaven is a day when I'm all alone and don't need to do anything at any particular time.
It's my mother's hell, she wants every moment occupied and expects me to do it.

It's particularly hard at Christmas- I have cooking and wrapping etc to do. I don't want to go to some grotty Christmas market or a random concert.

UpaladderwatchingTV · 20/09/2023 15:24

I'm afraid I'm on your Mum's side OP. It's all very well being a 'home body', BUT there will come a time when you might want to go out, and find that you can no longer face it. I take it by the fact that you say you spend quite a bit of time with her during the day, that you don't work, so presumably this would be pretty much the only times you would go out. Plus, it would give you both something to talk about, not only between yourselves, but to others, like your DH and your kids. If you don't go out at all, it's likely that you will, if you haven't already, become quite boring, and no one wants to be thought of like that. Plus, when your Mum is no longer here, you will have some lovely memories of doing things with her in recent years. Go on, don't be an old 'stick in the mud' get out there with your Mum and enjoy yourself, you'll be doing a good thing for her and yourself too!

Isheabastard · 20/09/2023 15:26

If she thinks it for your benefit too, can you take control and suggest things that you would really, really like to do?

If she doesn’t want to go places that you want, then it is just guilt tripping on her part and you can refuse with a clean conscience.

She needs to look into finding groups that meet up regularly. Then she can find someone to go places with.

As we age we can get set in our ways and lose touch and become very self focussed, and we have to remember that most people have such busy lives they hardly have time to breathe.

Original poster
AlyssaHasAChaaaaild · 20/09/2023 15:49

Thanks for the responses. To answer a few questions,

She absolutely refuses to join any groups and can be quite frosty so it's me or nothing.
She'd be happy for me to suggest things and the kind of things she would like to do aren't themselves the problem.

It's just that I've been a SAHM for 19 years and in that time have not had a minute's peace. 2/3 kids have SEN, my parents and inlaws have always been quite demanding, DH had some health issues, and I just crave peace and quiet. I don't remember when I last had a day to myself. So I'm in no mood to go out for the day or the evening and then come home to everyone's dramas, I just want a quiet life pottering about my garden with the dogs and a god book.

I think I'm going to have to compromise though because if nothing else I'll feel so guilty when she isn't here anymore. I feel like a sulky teenager being forced to be nice by my mum!

OP posts:
Original poster
AlyssaHasAChaaaaild · 20/09/2023 15:52

@VeridicalVagabond I couldn't do that sort of thing at all, you're a better woman than I am.

Theatre and opera don't seem so bad in comparison!

OP posts:
SantaBarbaraMonica · 20/09/2023 15:53

Your mum has choices. And she doesn’t get to force you to do anything. It’s on her to make friends. And she can stay in with you or go out alone or go out with friends if she could be bothered to make them.

Nobody gets to decide how you spend your time except you. Unless it’s making you unwell but you sound happy enough to me!

JCWiatt · 20/09/2023 16:03

There are some hard people on this thread. An 84 year old woman doesn't feel comfortable going out alone, so asks her daughter to take her on occasional trips out and people respond saying she's unreasonable and should sort her bloody self out. OP, it's not healthy to never leave the home for either of you. She's lost her confidence, doesn't have friends and she's asked you to join her on a few outings (doesn't have to be every week, even once a month). It really isn't a lot to ask.

SlippinJanie · 20/09/2023 16:15

I do understand that she's asking a lot of you, the person that you actually are, seemingly thinking of you as a generic "daughter person" who "ought to" do these things with her. Could you compromise & do something together once a month? It might still get you down, I realise, knowing the once-a-month day is coming up, feeling that pressure. It's easy for us to suggest things but it's your life.

pickledandpuzzled · 20/09/2023 16:17

I think people are missing the point. OP needs downtime. She lives with 6 adults who it would seem mainly depend on her for their support.

She isn't a default support for everyone else.

@AlyssaHasAChaaaaild be careful- you need that quiet time to stay well yourself. I burned out caring for other people and became very unwell. I'm not much use to anyone though DM still tries!

63WarwickAvenue · 20/09/2023 16:23

Could you manage an outing once a fortnight?

Original poster
AlyssaHasAChaaaaild · 20/09/2023 16:24

I'm constantly nagged by all the family branches to get out and do more, told I'm wasting my life etc but none of them realise that they are each a small wedge in my life, all making small demands on me which add up to a full time job.

But yes, once a month probably isn't too much to ask I guess, even though I'm inwardly seething already at the prospect. I just hate having to do things I don't want to do.

OP posts:
hattie43 · 20/09/2023 16:24

I feel sorry for your mum tbh , she wants to enjoy the last years of her life and you're a grump . Would it kill you to go to the cinema once a week or out for coffee / cake .

Original poster
AlyssaHasAChaaaaild · 20/09/2023 16:27

I can see how absurd this must sound, I just can't convey how I feel constantly at the centre of what everyone else needs and this is just an extra chore.

Plus, I'll have to endure everyone patronising me and saying how marvellous it is to see me going out more, and don't I feel all the better for it? And I'll have to pretend that yes, it's just wonderful.

Ok I'm a grump.

OP posts:
OneMoreStepAlongTheRoadIGo · 20/09/2023 16:31

Do you work?

Are you literally home most of the week? What are you doing?

I think getting out once a week would be a fab goal.

OneMoreStepAlongTheRoadIGo · 20/09/2023 16:32

And what are the demands the others are making? They're all adults right?

Original poster
AlyssaHasAChaaaaild · 20/09/2023 16:36

No I don't work.

I clean the house, cook for the kids, basic household stuff, laundry etc. Walk the dogs. Kids SEN means some hands on caring duties most days plus an absurd amount of paperwork dealing with their finances, carers, benefits, LA. I visit inlaws 2-3 days pw to do odd jobs, some cleaning and cooking.

In between I read, garden and watch crappy tv!

I don't have time to spare perhaps because all the bits I do are peppered through the day so I never seem to have half a day or a full day to myself, it's more like an hour here, half an hour there etc i between the stuff I have to do.

OP posts:
7yo7yo · 20/09/2023 16:39

YANBU.
Your life sounds like hard work, like it’s not really your life but is owned by lots of different people.

Why is your husband living a separate life? How is he contributing work aside? What if you were to be taken ill? How would everyone cope?

Original poster
AlyssaHasAChaaaaild · 20/09/2023 16:47

DH works incredibly long hours Mon-Fri and then spends his weekends sleeping / hobbies. It's always been like that. He contributes absolutely nothing to anything except cooking his own meals and ask he does some additional stuff with his parents.

Separate lives I guess because that's what we needed to do to function when the kids were younger and it's a habit now. He gets a break at the weekend and I get little breaks everyday inbetween whatever I'm doing.

OP posts: