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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To not want to entertain my mum

142 replies

AlyssaHasAChaaaaild · 20/09/2023 15:04

Mum is 84 and really fit and active. She moved in with us 2 years when my dad died and on the whole the new family dynamic works well. There are now 6 adults in the house all on different schedules but it's a happy household and she likes the coming and going. The point of her moving in was so that she wouldn't be lonely and that's certainly worked well.

BUT she wants to go out and do more eg cinema, theatre, day trips etc. So far she hasn't done any of this because she doesn't want to go alone and she has no friends.

DH and I live quite separate lives where he goes out a bit with friends and for his hobbies, kids are regularly in and out, but I am a total homebody and rarely go out at all.

Mum has now announced that she wants to go out once a week and do something but she is expecting me to join her partly for her own benefit but also she says because it would do me good.

It's making me pretty fed up. I'm happy to have her here and she does whatever she pleases and we accommodate her. If she needs a lift or help then I always drop everything, and during the day we spend a lot of time together. I feel like I'm doing my bit. I don't want to go on these outings but am being guilt tripped that if I don't then maybe she won't go after all so it's my fault that she has a boring life.

Am I being selfish?

OP posts:
catmom93 · 20/09/2023 16:48

I wonder if you could ease her into something by going with her the first few times then extricating yourself from future events? Like a book club, walking group, any kind of meet up? Hopefully that would get her past her initial frostiness? I don't think it's sustainable for you to keep going every week, you've got enough on your plate!

gogomoto · 20/09/2023 16:49

Obviously you don't need to always be the one but you could facilitate her meeting others in a similar situation. See if your local church has community groups in the week, eg we have a board games afternoon, a coffee morning, crafts afternoon and a lunch club each week, most participants come alone and many are widows. In addition we have monthly evening groups with speakers, trips etc and a monthly pub trip. She can make friends that way they will have a cinema/theatre buddy.

It also may be good for you to occasionally go out, it seems you have become reclusive from what you say

Mrsjayy · 20/09/2023 16:49

I'd do it 4/6 weekly your mum moved in so she wouldn't be lonely and I think she's lonely pick somewhere each and do alternate things. On your week you don't have to do anything that takes you out of your comfort zone.

ScribblingPixie · 20/09/2023 16:51

I think I would look for a compromise by finding a group for theatre outings, community events etc, and go along with her the first few times. Btw I don't see why your adult children can't do similar.

Mrsjayy · 20/09/2023 16:53

ScribblingPixie · 20/09/2023 16:51

I think I would look for a compromise by finding a group for theatre outings, community events etc, and go along with her the first few times. Btw I don't see why your adult children can't do similar.

Yes this surely the children could spare a day or night

TomatoSandwiches · 20/09/2023 17:04

YANBU she is being really quite rude to demand this of you when you've already been extremely kind in accommodating her.
I would just say no tbh, I'm a carer for my youngest and rarely get time to myself so when I do get it I am fiercely protective of it and do exactly what I want.

junebirthdaygirl · 20/09/2023 17:04

Do you have any siblings who could come and bring your mom out since they have no responsibility for her at any other time?
I thought at first you were unreasonable but seeing your schedule you are not. Could your dh take full responsibility for his own parents so you would be a bit freer at those times.

UpaladderwatchingTV · 20/09/2023 17:05

OP, couldn't you perhaps look at a day out with your Mum as YOUR time? After all, you spend a lot of time keeping her company indoors, so taking her out during that time you would normally be at home with her, surely isn't that big a deal? You say that everyone wants a piece of you, but if you chose where you're going, or what film you see, or put your head together with your Mum and choose something you would both enjoy, surely that's relaxation, NOT a chore? You seem to like your garden, so what about taking her for a mooch around a garden centre, stopping for a coffee and cake while you're there? Also, can I ask why you're doing all this stuff for your in-laws but seem to resent going out for a day with your own Mum? Maybe instead of your DH going out with his mates, he should be putting in more time helping his own parents, while you look after yours, as believe me, when she has gone, you will miss her far more than you realise. It doesn't matter how old you are, when you lose your last parent, you will still find yourself feeling like an orphan, with no one of the older generation to turn to for advice or whatever. Trust me, I'd give anything to be able to take my Mum out for a day again, but then I loved her and would have done ANYTHING for her!

BMW6 · 20/09/2023 17:06

She absolutely refuses to join any groups and can be quite frosty so it's me or nothing.

That would really piss me off! She could meet like minded people to go out with, and I'd tell her in that case NOTHING it is then!

DelphiniumBlue · 20/09/2023 17:06

My mum is 84, lives alone, is healthy but not very mobile, and goes out most days by herself; she goes to things like U3A events, movement classes where she can join in sitting down, coffee with friends etc n their homes , shopping etc.
The OP says her Mym is very fit and active, so contrary to what many posters are saying, I don't see why her mum shouldn't go out alone.
OP, I think you'll have to find her activities, and start by taking her there till she gets to know a few people and feels more comfortable showing up alone. It might be that she s just not used to doing things solo- no reason why she shouldn't try, though. What about neighbours, are there any she could get to know? Or could she do some sort of voluntary role?

pickledandpuzzled · 20/09/2023 17:09

I love the way everyone jumped to agree that yes, your time isn't your own and you are unreasonable not to allow everyone else's priorities to rule.

If there is anything you fancy doing that she could join in with, without spoiling it for you, then try and plan that.

Flowers One day you'll get some space back in your head. Make sure DH doesn't retire at that point when the work has been done and expect you to facilitate him too!
Original poster
AlyssaHasAChaaaaild · 20/09/2023 17:15

I have no siblings who can help out.

I've suggested volunteering and groups but she refuses. There are old friends and distant family she could contact close-ish but she doesn't want to. It's just me or nothing.

The stuff I do for my inlaws is things that they need eg driving them somewhere, running errands, cooking, some cleaning etc so it's not that I choose time with them but not my mum.

Mum lives here like a guest so I help her in that sense too, she doesn't have to lift a finger, so the inlaws aren't treated better than her.

I think I'll commit to a regular outing so she has something to look forward to and I'll just suck it up. I actually feel really guilty now that I've not done this before.

OP posts:
Original poster
AlyssaHasAChaaaaild · 20/09/2023 17:16

@pickledandpuzzled THIS is exactly what I foresee. DH will retire from his job in a few years time but my duties and responsibilities will continue forever.

OP posts:
SkaterGrrrrl · 20/09/2023 17:25

YANBU. As an introvert I crave quiet time at home to recharge my batteries.

As others have suggested, U3A and Age UK provide a range of clubs, classes and groups where like minded people looking to socialise can find one another.

Don't be guilted OP! Why must women always set aside their needs to serve others?!

pickledandpuzzled · 20/09/2023 17:29

I think you should outsource some of his parents' care as well. Look into it, it may free you up for outside interests!

misssunshine4040 · 20/09/2023 17:31

I hear you op. Your life is full on from other people's demands and then having the cheek to tell you to get out more when all you want to do is recharge.

I agree once a month with your mum is a nice thing for you to do. However you are absolutely entitled to not look forward to it.

I hope you manage to fit in a bit more time for yourself soon

Tiredchicken · 20/09/2023 17:31

YANBU.

you seem to be running your own life around everyone else/ it’s not unreasonable to not want to add forced outing with your mother to that list!
you already see a lot of her and she « doesn’t have to lift a finger! » at home!
im sorry but WTF. You’re run ragged and now you also have to know how for outings or everyone else blames you for your mum not going out.

sorry that’s not okay. Sounds like She’s using motivational empathy…making you do things because you feel guilty.

id be saying

  1. you’d do outings( at a frequency that you can cope with) IF she entertains herself/cares for herself more at home so you have the time back elsewhere! ie. Less lunches together etc.

  2. she’s a grown up and her refusing to go anywhere despite having friends close by and you already offering lifts then every time it comes up that she doesn’t get out then just say we’ll you know the options and leave it in her court.

  3. make it clear to all of your family& friends who give you a hard time about needing to get your mum out and about that they are very welcome to come and take her out for trips….

i don’t see why this all falls at your feet.

it’s okay to want some headspace and time which is for you OP.
it might be different if she had no other options but she does and is choosing not to take them.

Sux2buthen · 20/09/2023 17:37

I don't want to be 'that' poster but my mum is 70 and totally bes bound in her living room. I'd give anything to be able to take her out and about.

SkaterGrrrrl · 20/09/2023 17:54

For those of you implying that the OP is selfish, she has literally invited her elderly mother to come and live in her house!

mummummummummummummmmmmy · 20/09/2023 17:56

Tell her to get fucked. Just refuse refuse refuse. Don't give in.

maslinpan · 20/09/2023 18:16

Leave aside the issue of your Mum's social life for a moment. Are you genuinely happy with the level of help you pour out for everyone else in your family? Why does your husband get to have time for hobbies and sleeping at the weekend, while you do not? Do you think it would be nice to do less for your in-laws? I would be steaming with resentment faced with this schedule, and very unwilling to keep absorbing the dramas you also mention in pasing.

rookiemere · 20/09/2023 18:27

SkaterGrrrrl · 20/09/2023 17:54

For those of you implying that the OP is selfish, she has literally invited her elderly mother to come and live in her house!

This totally!
I can't believe some of the responses here. OP is not a performing monkey, she's perfectly entitled to not want to go out if she doesn't want to, she does enough for everyone else without turning herself into camp entertainer as well.

There are lots of activities for older people all designed to be attended solo. Get a list of them and give it to her every time she mentions this. You do more than enough having her living with you.

WimpoleHat · 20/09/2023 18:41

She absolutely refuses to join any groups and can be quite frosty so it's me or nothing.

This is the problem. My mother is out of the same mould; she wants things on her terms and it’s her way or nothing (and hell to pay if there’s nothing!). If she wants to go out and do things, she can do. She can go on her own or meet others to go with. What she can’t do is impose her wants and preferences onto you and turn that into some kind of obligation. Why do her preferences trump yours? They don’t! Make some constructive suggestions about places she could go and then stick to your own plans.

coolkatt · 20/09/2023 18:46

i don't think is asking a lot of you to spend time with her doing something fun. she must be feeling soo bored sitting home everyday if that's not her nature. and tbh it sounds like u need to get out more.
i think u are being selfish.
not that's this is your problem but there is plenty people who would love to spend an hour with their mum and can't. your my
won't be here forever. cherish the time you have now. what going to the bingo one day or for lunch or anything, how is that so bad to do?

coolkatt · 20/09/2023 18:55

coolkatt · 20/09/2023 18:46

i don't think is asking a lot of you to spend time with her doing something fun. she must be feeling soo bored sitting home everyday if that's not her nature. and tbh it sounds like u need to get out more.
i think u are being selfish.
not that's this is your problem but there is plenty people who would love to spend an hour with their mum and can't. your my
won't be here forever. cherish the time you have now. what going to the bingo one day or for lunch or anything, how is that so bad to do?

op apologies ive read further now. and i'm sorry you do have a lot on your plate but i think u just need to prioritise what u do better and get the rest of the family more involved to help you, not the opposite. and your hubby needs to get off his arse and help him own parents not u doing it.
still stands tho i think u should be doing something more with your mum, u don't know when they are gone and the opportunity is gone forever