To not want to entertain my mum

[AlyssaHasAChaaaaild]

Mum is 84 and really fit and active. She moved in with us 2 years when my dad died and on the whole the new family dynamic works well. There are now 6 adults in the house all on different schedules but it's a happy household and she likes the coming and going. The point of her moving in was so that she wouldn't be lonely and that's certainly worked well.

BUT she wants to go out and do more eg cinema, theatre, day trips etc. So far she hasn't done any of this because she doesn't want to go alone and she has no friends.

DH and I live quite separate lives where he goes out a bit with friends and for his hobbies, kids are regularly in and out, but I am a total homebody and rarely go out at all.

Mum has now announced that she wants to go out once a week and do something but she is expecting me to join her partly for her own benefit but also she says because it would do me good.

It's making me pretty fed up. I'm happy to have her here and she does whatever she pleases and we accommodate her. If she needs a lift or help then I always drop everything, and during the day we spend a lot of time together. I feel like I'm doing my bit. I don't want to go on these outings but am being guilt tripped that if I don't then maybe she won't go after all so it's my fault that she has a boring life.

Am I being selfish?

This! You are not her buddy you are her daughter. It’s your free time and you shouldn’t be made to do anything you don’t want to do, simple as that.

OMG they hate each other.

Amusingly, mum thinks it's awful how they take me for granted and the inlaws think it was unreasonable of mum to move in with us and plonk herself in the middle of our lives.

What I'm reading here is that you're really resentful and tired with everything you have to do for everyone but your mum is getting the brunt of the blame via this post.

A trip out once a week or fortnight should be a nice treat for you both but clearly you're so swamped by life that it's making you angry (and one day you may feel really guilty about it).

I think your life needs a MAJOR rehaul and reshuffle of all the responsibilities and priorities.

How old are your children that they're still needing so much time?

Sounds like your husband isn't contributing much to things and needs to be brought onboard to help out more.

At first I thought Yabu but when you explained your life is so busy looking after other people and you don’t even have a job to escape to , I felt like you already do so much for others, it’s no wonder you can’t bring yourself to to add to your load.

and I feel like it’s not really about this one request but about you doing everything for your family. Cooking, cleaning and admin for everyone sounds soul destroying. Is it possible to make some changes so you aren’t the default person for everyone?

I think you should stop pretending that you feel better for being dragged out of the house, for one. People will only keep doing it!

It sounds incredibly hard, OP, I'm sorry. Did you ever read a book called A Ladder of Years? A woman goes for a walk along the beach on a family holiday and then just keeps walking. I think it's a pretty common feeling/experience tbh!

I hadn't thought of it like that, but yes I guess I feel like I'm about to snap and my mum is getting the short straw when she isn't actually the main problem.

My kids are 22, 20, 20 but two of them have SEN and I am responsible for with caring or organising the care so I'm still a very hands on mum.

I remember reading the Sue Townsend woman who went to bed for a year years ago and now I just imagine myself doing something similar. Walking off down the beach is equally appealing.

Try to seperate 'mum wants company doing stuff' and 'people think I should get out more and I don't want to'.

The latter is your own business and they can all bugger off.

On the former I feel it'd be nice for you and others to make an effort if this is the only way she can get out and enjoy her remaining years. It isn't just on you though, adult dc can catch a show or have a meal out with gran too.

This, exactly.

Wow you definitely need to say no to the in-laws more, tell Dh to suggest a supprt service and take that time for yourself.

At the moment you're performing several roles - cook, cleaner, driver, carer, teacher, administrator, gardener and housekeeper. Something has to give.

Your mum is too dependent on you for a social life and your in laws are too dependent on you for caring duties.

I think DH needs a serious chat with his parents that they need to use paid for services like Cook meals and cleaning services and taxis. Yes, your mum will get more care from you than the in laws, but that's a natural consequence of her living with you and you being a SAHW.

I agree with a pp, once you're less swamped, going out may not seem like such a chore.

I agree with @LightSpeeds I think you've spent years doing everything and you really need to sit down and assess what you really need to keep doing, what you can outsource to someone else, and what can change, and have a reset.

Plus a West end show! Talk about jumping into the deep end! You're going to return from that tiredand resentful! I'm mostly a homebody but do like to get out now and again, in a low key way. Can you not start with lunch in the week at a local cafe or the cinema where you can sit in the dark for a couple of hours and not have to talk to anyone?

I think a West End show is not a bad choice.

I slept through Les Mis, Miss Saigon, and even Wicked and some parts of Harry Potter and The Cursed Child.

It might be restful for OP, as long as she can afford it.

Honestly, I don't think it would hurt you to compromise now and again. The time will come when she can't/won't want to go out, surely it won't hurt you to accompany her out now and again. I'm sure she did a lot of things for you when you were a kid that she really didn't want to do.

I spent quite a lot of time with both my (divorced) parents, and don't regret a minute of it now that they are no longer around.

@AlyssaHasAChaaaaild I completely understand. I’m through the other side of the caring responsibility years. All the parents have now passed, kids are all at or nearly at uni. It is really exhausting having the constant low level stress of looking after elderly people who will not admit they need help. Unless you’ve been in this situation you cannot understand the huge demands on your time. It all sounds simple enough but it’s the constant admin/medical appts/‘could you just’ etc. I also say this as someone with a supportive DH and with no kids with SEN. The pressure must be huge. Personally I’m taking some time to think about what I want to do next after I’ve decompressed from the stress of the last 3years.

I think your mum has spotted how put upon you are and us probably in her own way trying to enforce some ‘me time’ for you. Or wants to thank you for having her and for being treated like a guest. Or maybe she’s just jealous of the time your in-laws get with you? Only you know the dynamics here.

By far the main issue is your DH here. He sees his M-F as doing his stressful job. Which he only gets to do because you are doing everything else that enables him to do it. He is not dealing with the phone calls/meltdowns/unreasonableness. Then he sees his weekend as having downtime from his stressful job. Which he can only do because you are doing everything else. You, on the other hand get NO downtime because he has chosen to place no value on your contribution to family life. This is the issue. It is often the case that Carers die young. You need to look after yourself now. And your DH needs to consider what his life would look like if you suddenly weren’t there because God forbid something happens to you or you simply snap and walk away. You and your DH need to sit down and you need to tell him how you feel. Or go to counselling together and work through how you feel. The fact he needs to grow a set to deal with his parents is not your problem but he does need to understand how his unwillingness to deal with their demands on his wife impacts you. I’d be handing the reins over to him at the weekend and fuck the hobby time shite to make the point as a starter for ten. Use that time to spend as you please or going on an outing (with or without your mother) of your choosing.

Have you watched the c4 comedy ‘The Change’? It is spot on. The lead is a menopausal woman who got her entire married life has written down EVERY tiny thing she’s done for the family in complete ledgers. Maybe you need to buy a ledger and show it to your DH 😉

Look after yourself and there is load of good advice on the Elderly Parents’ Board about coping with caring responsibilities.

It's your mum sorry but I adore my mum and would do anything for her just like she always has done for me. It's actually hard for old people going out alone and scary it's not hard and you spend a fair few days a month doing stuff for in laws cmon

Pretty sure OP adores her mum too, to the extent that she has moved her mum in and does everything for her, her mum doesn’t lift a finger. Have you done the same for your mum? If not, why not?

And saying OP has to do even more for her mum because she does a fair bit for her in laws is just pitting more pressure on someone already doing a lot.

Maybe you can go with your mum to some group events (like meetup etc) and after a couple of "dates" drop out?

You need to do something to change how your life is. You'll burn out. If your kids are all in their 20s, can the one that doesn't have SEN not help out? The ones that do and I apologise cos I've no experience but are you going to be able to do this level of caring for them forever? Something's got to give.

Honestly, a trip to the cinema is one of the best forms of escapism I find, it could well do you the world of good if you tried it. Your home isn't just a home, it's where you're constantly working, caring and sorting other people's needs. Maybe your mum realises that it might be a release for you to step away from that environment occasionally. It would also mean your husband & kids would have to sort themselves out on those days, which needs to be done too. You can't be always on call or on hand for others, they need to be able to function without you too.

but why on earth doesnt your dm join groups? there are plenty

how about a compromise, you go with her, and she joins a club

I think it's also the complete lack of recognition by ANYONE that you are doing great for everyone around you except yourself.

I am trying to think of how to sort out your position.

Perhaps sit down DM and DH and explain - perhaps with a written list - how much you do, how much is expected of you, how little you get appreciated by anyone and that you are finding it all too much.

No doubt DM will have an extreme strop as to how she brought you up and you are not willing to do a little for her in her later years. (Personally I think you were nuts to let her move in).

DH will be annoyed he is actually having to involve himself in the rest of the family.

But then leave them to stew. And think about it.

I think you could also sit down the ILs and say that you are getting older and tireder (or whatever reason you choose) and can't do everything for them now and that DH will be taking over the 'little' jobs you do. That will also give THEM something to ponder.

Again let them stew.

After a week or so as them all who is going to do the things you are no longer going to take on.

You have been mr niceguy and Miss Hero for decades but you are entitled to decide you want change. You will no longer be mr niceguy or Miss Hero but so what.

Are you sure she hasn't got a point? I THINK if I was your mum I might be a bit worried about you.

As a fellow carer I completely get you OP.
Your mum lives with you, you don’t have to be responsible for her social life. You spend plenty of time with her and fundamentally you are not responsible for her happiness.

You sound close to burn out to me. Do you get any respite? Im worried a show could top you over the edge (although I may be projecting here 😀)

I'm sorry I have to be that ' I wish I had this set up with my mum' I would kill to of had my mum til that age and to live with me how precious I wouldn't turn down these opportunities to make memories with her op

I also want to say that taking DM to the cinema once a week isn't going to make her feel busy and happy - she wants you to be her entertainments manager and that won't be enough.

You need to be firm eg you will go once or max twice to WI/ Church group/ Book Club/ U3A (the best bet imv) with her then she is on her own.

OP I think you should book a holiday alone for 7 days, Sunday to Saturday, leaving DH to take a week off and run the house himself. Go alone, somewhere restful and warm. You’ve probably never had a proper break and are clearly at breaking point burnt out or simply incredibly unhappy with lone parenting SEN kids while lone supporting elders. You need time to reflect and think about your own needs and what would make you feel enriched long term. Looking after your own well-being is essential and you clearly need to make changes in your day to day life.

Do you love DH, do you want to be with him? Does he know how you feel? How empty you feel, with little agency and time without responsibilities. Your first port of call is telling him just how unhappy you are.

It’s DHs responsibility to discuss getting a cleaner/cook with his parents. He should be the one saying you’re at breaking point. However you can tell them yourself, that you’re at breaking point with family responsibilities so will knock cleaning/cooking on the head, along with other responsibilities. A few weeks of no cleaning and no cooking hopefully they might employ someone, if it takes a while to realise they need to pay for help then so be it.

DH needs to take charge of the kids for half a day at the weekend.

all the adults in the house can do the weekly trip with granny, so it’s a rota and you’ll take your turn.

Alternatively make an agreement, you’ll go out with her monthly as long as she spends time with a distant relative or friend monthly. You can both do something which pushes you out of your comfort zone.