To not want to entertain my mum

[AlyssaHasAChaaaaild]

Mum is 84 and really fit and active. She moved in with us 2 years when my dad died and on the whole the new family dynamic works well. There are now 6 adults in the house all on different schedules but it's a happy household and she likes the coming and going. The point of her moving in was so that she wouldn't be lonely and that's certainly worked well.

BUT she wants to go out and do more eg cinema, theatre, day trips etc. So far she hasn't done any of this because she doesn't want to go alone and she has no friends.

DH and I live quite separate lives where he goes out a bit with friends and for his hobbies, kids are regularly in and out, but I am a total homebody and rarely go out at all.

Mum has now announced that she wants to go out once a week and do something but she is expecting me to join her partly for her own benefit but also she says because it would do me good.

It's making me pretty fed up. I'm happy to have her here and she does whatever she pleases and we accommodate her. If she needs a lift or help then I always drop everything, and during the day we spend a lot of time together. I feel like I'm doing my bit. I don't want to go on these outings but am being guilt tripped that if I don't then maybe she won't go after all so it's my fault that she has a boring life.

Am I being selfish?

Go to bed for a week.

You can warn DH if you need to. But remove yourself.

Well you could make DM responsible for the cleaning or tidying or whatever - you could insist that DH does stuff - but in the end you are causing more anger and stress for yourself as they won't do it wihtout you nagging/supervising being seen as selfish and lazy (after all you are home all day)
It's a difficult position as you still have to live with them all.

Perhaps get a job.

How is your pension anyway?

Then no one can have the same expectations of you and the friends and rellies won't nag.
Men with these 'long hours', 'demanding' jobs - my DH had one - much better fun than being at home juggling all the balls. But he was the one that got sympathy. I suspect it's the same with yours. Plus he has weekends to please himself.

Completely agree.

You and your husband have separate lives, your mum, children and in laws take up your time, I understand why you want time to yourself.

id maybe have an outing with mum once a month and I’d be looking for a part time job, something for me to do and means dh has to help out with his parents rather than everyone presuming that you are there for their own benefits!

Brill suggestion to separate both but ah I had a different POV. I thought she should honour/pay heed to the latter, and not so much the former.

I really identify with the value of decompressing alone at home. OP should absolutely preserve this home downtime.

But everyone, even the most introvert of introverts, needs to get out of the house at some point – even if it's just 2x a year. Some socialisation during those few times a year would be great too – that can include just a nature walk with 1 other person, be it mum or a friend.

It's crucial and essential for wellbeing. People were not made to stay home with no friends/life for years on end. Being a total shut-in hermit SAHM is good for no one. As OP says, that's partially where her mum is coming from – out of concern for OP. As OP herself says, her mother would be perfectly happy to choose activities OP likes.

As for serving her mum's needs, IMHO that's just adding to OP's "giving" plate. Some sacrifice is always necessary, but I feel for it to be real mother-daughter time without resentment, OP needs to encourage her mother to get some of her needs met elsewhere. Then maybe 1x-2x a month together would be nice.

I also wonder about prioritisation. Don't want to pull the "guilt trip" card but my own family member died recently. Muddled priorities become stark and clear once someone is gone forever. Now I know for sure I would prioritise bonding time 1x a week with my own parent, over 3x weekly full days of chores for parents of my separated spouse. I wonder if it's possible to weigh and re-calibrate long term priorities in OP's weekly scheduling.

Also, this is a suggestion out of nowhere, but depending on severity of SEN, can your mum not help you literally a tiny bit with your SEN kids (or spend time with the non SEN kid)?

In small doses it might be win win: grandma gets positive socialisation from interacting with grandkids, you get downtime.

Op you sound like a lovely person and everyone just takes this fro granted and so you are completley taken advantage of.

You need to look after you and be careful you dont burn out.

This is about you losing yourself in other's needs and having no time for yourself. I think your mum recognises this but is trying to get you to do the wrong activities. I'd sit Dh down and kids and your mum and say I'm taking this week off here. I'm going to a hotel with gardens possibly a spa a bunch of books and I'm having some quiet time. If care for the kids is needed then dh and your mum can do a share for a change. And make this regular say once every 6 months to start with.

The mother is perfectly capable of joining some groups but doesn't want to and has said it's OP taking her out or nothing. So OP is being held to ransom over the mother's life outside the house as well as inside ! 🙄

OP is being asked to go out and pretend to enjoy it and that's yet another job on her shoulders.

All the posters saying OP should do this and should do that ... ''you NEED to be going out more'' ect ect - just putting on the pressure like the rest of the family.

Drawer the line and say no. OP.

Practice here with me ....... no, i don't want to mum, thank you. I'll happily drop you off to a weekly group or whatever, but i'm happy spending my spare time to myself.

Drawer? Draw!

@Laiste "Drawer? Draw!"

That's the first time I've seen it that way round. Respect! 🤣

@CurlewKate i thought the same thing 😂

I think people who say what you say are just imagining introverts (and I feel strongly that introverts' needs must be respected).

They have never really seen shut-in SAHMs with zero social/outside life. They must think it's like an exaggeration to say never leave the house but it happens – and then it's years and years and the person is totally burnt out and divorced from reality and any semblance of a life.

Of course I don't mean to scaremonger or anything but surely we can agree going out twice a year – even just once – if in the right mood isn't too bad a suggestion?

"In the right mood" is crucial of course. As I said, I understand that people (especially me) NEED Home Alone time. It's non negotiable. Absolutely the home alone time HAS to come first, and probably all the Giving/SAHM time has to be pruned somewhere (lots of suggestions given) before she even feels capable of stepping out her door. Though of course so much easier said than done.

So many responses, thank you, and a lot to think about. In response:

I'd love to just go away and leave everyone to it and enforce a break for myself but it's not possible. DD2 needs 24/7 care and as recruiting carers is so hard I have to be around often to fill in the gaps. DD1 doesn't receive formal care but has regular issues that need my help so again I can't just disappear.

DM can't help with the caring needs and tbh DH has not been involved in much childcare for the last 20 years and tends to make things worse.

At the heart of this is definitely the issue that nobody thinks I do much. Each person asks for a little of my time each day without seeing what everyone else asks so I'm frequently described as being at home all day and doing nothing. On the rare occasions when I try and point out what exactly I am doing I know that nobody believes me, it's so frustrating.

For 19 years until we got respite I didn't have an uninterrupted night sleep, but everyone would tease me for napping during the day.

I was never going to be a SAHM, just a short career break after DS and hopefully a second child..... but then everything changed with the girls' arrival and DH genuinely feels aggrieved that I gave up work and left him to support us financially. He openly says how lucky I am (he hates his job).

The added pinch here is that I suspect DH will resent me going out with mum and enjoying myself while he is at work.

I’m so sorry you DH doesn’t see any value in the respite you’d receive by doing something for yourself.
It’s so important for you to remain robust for your girls. Carer burn out is real and the costs are high. I feel for you OP

If you weren't there, what would happen?
It sounds like your family could sorely do with a reminder of the importance of your role(s). Can't DD1 and DD2 go and stay with their grandparents for 24 hours? And your DM spend some time with DC3?

It's perfect storm isn't it OP?

It's so easy (and glib) to say ''well let DH give up his job and swap with you then'', but real life isn't a soap opera or a comedy show and bills have to be paid and shaking up the whole family set up is not the answer.

I feel like your thoughts have moved on a bit from 'Must i take my mother out!?

Is there any wriggle room you can see in the family dynamic which would help? How much of you life are you happy with, how much of your life would you change if you could?

Is this outing thing literally the straw that's broken the camel, or is the camel basically ok but just wants to chose the straws for once?

If that elaborate metaphor makes sense?! 😂

Why can't you refuse to help? I think you have to learn how to say no - and who to say it to - before you lose your marbles.

You don't have to necessarily say "no I won't take you to the shops", you can instead say "I'm sorry it's really busy this week - I'm sure DH [THEIR SON] can take you at the weekend" and then wait and see if that happens.

It might be that they'd rather sort out their own care/transport than bother their precious boy. Their dynamic is the messed up one, if you'll forgive me, not you and your mum.

I honestly think it's the in-laws/your husband who are the main problem here. You have 20 year olds at home with disabilities and a mum who lives with you who's in her 80s. You are taking care of the generation above and below you, while your H is only contributing financially and not lifting a finger for either his parents or children outside of working hours.

@Laiste I think this is the last straw tbh. I'm just about holding it together but feel this is just one step too far. Sure, an outing sounds fun but it just feels like another instance where I'm doing something for someone else and I'm sick of it.

Inlaws are a major sticking point. They are both basically housebound and infirm. Fortunately they don't want me to entertain them as well but they do like a chat and some company while I'm doing other things.

They'd love to see more of DH but he makes no time for them, just does the absolute minimum he can as he's so frustrated by them. They refuse to accept proper care but will skip meals, not wash, wear dirty clothes etc because they can't cope.

I suggested reporting them to social services to force their hand and DH went mad. But then he says just leave them to it and eventually they will ask for proper formal care. But when DM rings and says she's stuck in her chair and can I go over because neither of them have eaten anything today how can I not go?

I feel for you OP. I'm at the beginning of the parenting journey and already feel spread really thin. Look up compassion fatigue- that's where I am. I do what I have to but internally stick fingers up to everyone. I absolute resent my husband for having a break at work while I'm left holding the fort. Bastard.

But when DM rings and says she's stuck in her chair and can I go over because neither of them have eaten anything today how can I not go?

This is where simply not being there would actually be helpful.

I understand that you feel too knackered for days out with your mum, but if you were in the middle of a film with your phone on silent or you'd gone on a day trip elsewhere, well, that might be no bad thing.

I'm sorry but your husband doesn't sound very nice. What's HIS solution to it all then? Leave them to suffer?

I think unfortunately you need to stop listening to what H says since he seems to lack compassion/practicality or just assume you will do everything. Formal care needs to be put in place for your in-laws and if they won't accept it just ring social services. You don't need his permission.

I don't think they can be forced to accept care if they have capacity. Where OP does have agency is they can be forced to do without her providing it, regardless of how they achieve that.

I think DH feels I'm enabling them by helping.

So he's be fine if I did less, he's let them go all day without eating, in the hope they would then realise they need formal care.

As long as I'm doing just enough to keep things ticking over then they will just carry on like this.

He's sort of got a point, but he's not the one getting the calls and emails is he?