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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To not want to entertain my mum

142 replies

AlyssaHasAChaaaaild · 20/09/2023 15:04

Mum is 84 and really fit and active. She moved in with us 2 years when my dad died and on the whole the new family dynamic works well. There are now 6 adults in the house all on different schedules but it's a happy household and she likes the coming and going. The point of her moving in was so that she wouldn't be lonely and that's certainly worked well.

BUT she wants to go out and do more eg cinema, theatre, day trips etc. So far she hasn't done any of this because she doesn't want to go alone and she has no friends.

DH and I live quite separate lives where he goes out a bit with friends and for his hobbies, kids are regularly in and out, but I am a total homebody and rarely go out at all.

Mum has now announced that she wants to go out once a week and do something but she is expecting me to join her partly for her own benefit but also she says because it would do me good.

It's making me pretty fed up. I'm happy to have her here and she does whatever she pleases and we accommodate her. If she needs a lift or help then I always drop everything, and during the day we spend a lot of time together. I feel like I'm doing my bit. I don't want to go on these outings but am being guilt tripped that if I don't then maybe she won't go after all so it's my fault that she has a boring life.

Am I being selfish?

OP posts:
Original poster
AlyssaHasAChaaaaild · 20/09/2023 18:57

@maslinpan I think steaming with resentment sums me up tbh. My entire life is taken over by other people and the icing on the cake is constantly being reminded that (a) I'm so lucky that I could give up work when my first child was born and (b) that I should make more effort to go out because I seem fed up.

I don't feel lucky when I'm writing up my daily list of who needs what and where on 5 hours sleep because I was up with DD. I want to run away from everyone and everything and only then will they each realise how much I do for them all!

Anyway, I think this thread is about 50-50 which is interesting. I am currently browsing West End shows and think I'm going to try one big outing and one smaller outing each month. Although I literally need to carve out that time by rearranging carers, inlaws etc to give myself the "time off" ffs.

OP posts:
saltrock123 · 20/09/2023 18:58

Just one thing. You won't have your Mum forever. Make the most of her and go out together to do something nice. And consider yourself fortunate to be able to do so. When she is no longer around it will be too late. I would so love to have been able to take my Mum out weekly but I was working overseas. I would have so loved to have been around for her, but not possible. I miss her.

Goldbar · 20/09/2023 18:59

63WarwickAvenue · 20/09/2023 16:23

Could you manage an outing once a fortnight?

This. I would scale it down but twice a month (she picks one place, you pick the other) doesn't seem too much of an ask. You might end up enjoying it.

JudgeRudy · 20/09/2023 19:03

No, you're not being selfish, you and your family have been incredibly generous. The solution is obvious. She needs to cultivate her own social circle. They don't have to be deep friendships, just someone pleasant she gets along with enjoys similar things.
There areclots of adult education classes starting now eg languages, crafts, history, music etc....then there's University of the Third Age. What did she do before?

hulahooper2 · 20/09/2023 19:04

I do think yabu, you won’t have your mum forever and 1 outing a week isn’t excessive and it’ll make her happy . I wish I still had my mum to go out with

Purplecatshopaholic · 20/09/2023 19:08

I would say no, if it was me - no guilt either, you are having her live with you ffs! You do enough for her and everyone else as it is - if you let yourself be martyred into going out with her so be it, you have it in your gift to refuse.

Bristolnewcomer · 20/09/2023 19:17

I’m really sorry things are in this situation where so many people think you have infinite time to run around after them.

I’m especially bewildered that you spend half a working week doing things for the in-laws. In reality you should be doing 1-2 days of this and your husband picks up the other day at the weekend - I’m sure they’d like to see him! Or they come to you for meals rather than you going and cooking for them.

I know this isn’t what you asked but I think after 20 years of this it’s time for a reset and you need to assert yourself and your right to have some time in the week to yourself - and I mean a chunk of time like a day or half a day not 15 minutes in between calls.

If you had more time to yourself you might even enjoy the chance to sod off and leave the rest of them to it for a bit and go to the pictures or a gallery with your mum.

I also think you COULD try saying to your mum - yes I’ll do outings but your side of the bargain is you have to sign up to do something on your own too, even if it’s an exercise class or volunteering sesh not socialising.

MatildaTheCat · 20/09/2023 19:20

Hang on. Your mum sounds quite healthy enough to go out and about so why on earth doesn’t she have to lift a finger? That’s insane.

You are exhausted so explain that to her and suggest she could help by cooking once or twice a week, helping with some laundry, tidying up or whatever would be helpful to you and possibly then you’ll feel a bit more giving of your time.

Also a west end show is a massive outing if you’re not even wanting to go out. I’d go in much lower and find something local of interest. There must be something if she thinks hard enough. You are not a one woman playgroup of the elderly.

Thedogscollar · 20/09/2023 19:28

mummummummummummummmmmmy · 20/09/2023 17:56

Tell her to get fucked. Just refuse refuse refuse. Don't give in.

Christ you sound bloody awful. This is an 84 tear old woman and mother you're talking about.
There are some arses on this thread but you win hands down.

Fodmapway · 20/09/2023 19:35

Does she have narcissistic traits?

Stuff that for a game of soldiers OP, no wonder she doesn't have friends.

whilingawaytime · 20/09/2023 19:39

Just my opinion, definitely feel free to ignore - but if someone I loved was a shut-in SAHM, i.e. essentially never ever left the house (except to do more SAHM things at her in law's place) and never met any friends, I would be very very concerned. And yes I might try and get them to go out with me for a bit. As you say, that's partially where your mum is coming from.

I'm not one of those "you HAVE to be out and about" types. I am absolutely a homebody and love it. Nothing more heavenly than a day at home with nothing and no one to entertain.

But I also don't think being a shut-in (albeit a very hardworking one!) is the answer. Easier said than done I know, but: I would keep the "home alone" destress days, but if possible would find some way of sharing/reducing/outsourcing duties so I could also schedule in some leisure and social life. It can be as little as once a week, and maybe just something relaxing like a walk together.

whilingawaytime · 20/09/2023 19:41

Sorry I meant once a month!* I've likewise had my hermit years, and honestly it feels good at first but it's a downward spiral eventually.

Billyhargrovesmullet · 20/09/2023 19:42

Yes you are she only wants to go out once a week with you so yes you are being selfish

Charley50 · 20/09/2023 19:50

Do you have to run around so much for your in-laws? Can't they pay a cleaner or carers? Why is your husband doing such long hours? He could go over there and do their chores. Sorry I'm with a pp who thinks you need to take back some time for yourself and cutting down on running around after the in-laws is where you find that time.

Original poster
AlyssaHasAChaaaaild · 20/09/2023 20:44

My Inlaws are incredibly stubborn. They refuse to accept help as they say they don't need it, but think that asking DH and I for the occasional helping hand is ok.

That occasional helping hand has turned into considerable help but they won't admit it and he doesn't want to have a confrontation. I'm in a difficult position as I can't refuse to help and he won't stand up to them.

OP posts:
maslinpan · 20/09/2023 20:53

You could gradually withdraw your help from your in-laws, otherwise you are going to exhaust yourself entirely. Both your DH and your in-laws are relying heavily on your good nature, they are just expecting you to carry on as you are indefinitely. I feel pissed off on your behalf, frankly!

IShouldNotBeSurprised · 20/09/2023 21:13

I hear you, OP, and I get you. I'm very much like you. In your situation, I might agree to one outing a month and possibly one more if it facilitates integrating your Mom into a group she could continue on her own. People insisting I say what a great idea it was after I went would not be placated with me agreeing (unless it were true) either.

When time alone fills one's cup, and that time is hard to come by, a forced outing is merely something to get through. They can prove enjoyable, and it's great when it happens, but it does nothing toward filling your cup.

Snugglemonkey · 20/09/2023 22:39

AlyssaHasAChaaaaild · 20/09/2023 16:27

I can see how absurd this must sound, I just can't convey how I feel constantly at the centre of what everyone else needs and this is just an extra chore.

Plus, I'll have to endure everyone patronising me and saying how marvellous it is to see me going out more, and don't I feel all the better for it? And I'll have to pretend that yes, it's just wonderful.

Ok I'm a grump.

You don't have to pretend! There is nothing wrong with saying how you feel!

Snugglemonkey · 20/09/2023 22:41

AlyssaHasAChaaaaild · 20/09/2023 16:47

DH works incredibly long hours Mon-Fri and then spends his weekends sleeping / hobbies. It's always been like that. He contributes absolutely nothing to anything except cooking his own meals and ask he does some additional stuff with his parents.

Separate lives I guess because that's what we needed to do to function when the kids were younger and it's a habit now. He gets a break at the weekend and I get little breaks everyday inbetween whatever I'm doing.

I would be doing fuck all for his parents.

Sally2791 · 20/09/2023 22:44

She won’t be here forever…
Maybe one week go with her,
another week encourage her to go with a local like minded group

determinedtomakethiswork · 20/09/2023 22:48

mummummummummummummmmmmy · 20/09/2023 17:56

Tell her to get fucked. Just refuse refuse refuse. Don't give in.

She should say this to her own mother, who is no bother apart from wanting to go out every now and again?

determinedtomakethiswork · 20/09/2023 22:50

Does your mum get on with the in-laws?

ItJustFellOutLikeWordVomit · 20/09/2023 22:50

I don’t think YABU and I understand your point of view and you opening your home to her is a selfless thing in itself so you should be proud of that (many wouldn’t) but as someone who lost her mum at 13 there’s nothing I wouldn’t do for a day like the ones your mum is looking for so I would maybe try for a compromise even if it’s once a month, I promise you it’s something you will never regret xx

ItJustFellOutLikeWordVomit · 20/09/2023 22:58

though I would add it would be good for you both to go out say once a month and her to make an effort to join some sort of social group there needs to be a bit of give from her too, I’m sure if she caved and joined one she would actually enjoy it, maybe sit down and have a chat with…”well I would love to go out for a day but because I’ve so much going on it would need to be once a month. However, it would be beneficial for you to try a social group for the other weeks, this plan puts us both out our comfort zone but is worth a try and if it doesn’t work we can regroup to think of another plan” xx

GalaApples · 20/09/2023 23:02

As someone who lost their mother 11 years ago, I would love the chance to go out with her and just relax together.
It seems you have little sense of your own centre in the busyness of your household - perhaps you can draw a boundary around yourself for say half an hour in the mornings, when you disappear into a room on your own, to meditatee or just chill quietly with no interruptions. You would have to be firm in getting everyone to agree that that is your time alone, and not to interrupt you for that short time.

The other issue as your DH is living separately is to get him contribute some time and effort to the household. If he cooks for example, he can do some for you too.
Schedule in some time with him, however short at weekends. It sounds as though you are doing the entire mental load - you need to read Fair Play. Flowers