To not want to entertain my mum

[AlyssaHasAChaaaaild]

Mum is 84 and really fit and active. She moved in with us 2 years when my dad died and on the whole the new family dynamic works well. There are now 6 adults in the house all on different schedules but it's a happy household and she likes the coming and going. The point of her moving in was so that she wouldn't be lonely and that's certainly worked well.

BUT she wants to go out and do more eg cinema, theatre, day trips etc. So far she hasn't done any of this because she doesn't want to go alone and she has no friends.

DH and I live quite separate lives where he goes out a bit with friends and for his hobbies, kids are regularly in and out, but I am a total homebody and rarely go out at all.

Mum has now announced that she wants to go out once a week and do something but she is expecting me to join her partly for her own benefit but also she says because it would do me good.

It's making me pretty fed up. I'm happy to have her here and she does whatever she pleases and we accommodate her. If she needs a lift or help then I always drop everything, and during the day we spend a lot of time together. I feel like I'm doing my bit. I don't want to go on these outings but am being guilt tripped that if I don't then maybe she won't go after all so it's my fault that she has a boring life.

Am I being selfish?

He's very much got a point.

But he’s also not letting you call Social Services.

Could you tell in laws to call DH every time they need help? This might force him to contact social services or private arrange carers.

He has got a point although I can COMPLETELY understand why at a human level you find it impossible to let two elderly people sit alone starving all day.

The problem with your approach though is that yet again you have two helpless people relying on YOU, you are the lynchpin to everything and if you crack (and honestly I think you will) - you have not only your own kids and your mother but also those same two elderly people who are going to be helpless and left without the person they depend on.

It's not that you shouldn't ever help them, but you shouldn't be their only port of call as you don't have capacity to look after two disabled and one elderly person at home and two more elderly people outside the home. They need formal help, and you and the rest of the family can then "top up" the help.

This is why it would be helpful to regularly have days where you're not in physical proximity.

I’m pleased to see OP is getting some good advice on the need to cut down on her caring responsibilities and attend to her own needs more.

Can I just ask all the pp trying to guilt OP with “I wish I could go out with my mum”, “I’d do anything to spend some time with my mum”, did you invite your mother to live with you? OP has done so whilst caring for two adult children with disabilities. If you didn’t, why didn’t you? If it’s because you made choices which meant you couldn’t, eg to live in another country, do you really think you are in a position to try to guilt the OP?

With regard to the in-laws OP, as long as there are no other family members outside of the house who might need you, turn your phone off, and don't check emails, that way your in-laws will be forced to call their 'D'S, rather than you. Alternatively, if any of your children are out of the home and might need to contact you, could you buy a cheap mobile phone, which only they or the people caring for them whilst out of the home, have the number of, and then keep the other phone switched off? I really do think that by the sound of things if you could only get the in-law situation off of your shoulders you would begin to feel better.

I really don't understand why though your 'D'H has been allowed to get away with doing very little in respect of raising the family and caring for his own parents, and yet he has the nerve to complain that he bears sole responsibility for family finances. What a selfish man he is!!

I really feel for you OP.

I agree with others, you need to drop the rope on your ILs ,harsh though it sounds. I worry my DPs may be similar but in my case I live an hour away and work more or less full time, so if things were desperate then I/they would simply have to phone social services and arrange carers. Unfortunately whilst you continue to just about be able to do it, then nothing will change.

You certainly don't owe your DM outings, but for you and you alone what did you enjoy doing before the DCs were born ?

I'm a homebody too. I completely understand your view.

However I'd give anything to go out with my mum once a week. ( she's not here anymore ).

Your mum won't be around forever.
You're in a unique position to get to know each other a bit better in her last years.

Please give it a go. You might surprise yourself and enjoy it.

Sharing your time is one of the best ways you can show love

Would it help if any outings fitted in with your interests? You enjoy gardening so a visit to a garden centre. If you have a fairly large one near you then you can pick up a few bits or plants, a look at any little gift ideas for Christmas or birthdays and a stop off in the coffee shop. Same with books as many libraries have activities, or find a film or theatre production of a book you would enjoy reading so it links to your interest. Do you enjoy any craft activities as you can find knit and natter etc where your mum might actually get to know other people while you do something you enjoy. Think of it as time to do something for yourself related to your interests, but letting your mum tag along. Only commit to things you would enjoy though. You already do enough for other people.

Try reading the thread. Even the last ten posts.

"Tell her to get fucked. Just refuse refuse refuse. Don't give in."

I feel so sad for anyone who thinks this because your children will learn from you and tell you to get fucked when you're old.

I know. I can't believe the disdain women show their own mothers on here or towards other mothers.

Here's hoping the author of that original post has kids who tell her to get fucked when she's older.

My mum is dying now and I'm trying to remember all the fun stuff we did together. So glad we did a few things

I hoped that the get fucked comment was an exaggerated reply for attentiokn because surely nobody with a decent relationship with their mum would tell them to get fucked because they fancied spending time with their adult child 😳

OP spends every day with her mother - she lives with her! Why on earth should she be obligated to facilitate her social life too?

Facilitating a social life or a day out ? I think the op.could facilitate a day out with her mum now and again maybe delegate some of her caring duties of the inlaws to her husband so her mum doesn't seem such a bind !

I mean the op doesn't have to do anything she doesn't want to, I was just commenting on the get fucked reply !

People always respond with their own mother in mind. You may have lost your wonderful mum and wish you had more time with her. Others may have lost someone who made life far harder than it needed to be and always put their own needs first.

Someone still traumatised by a narcissistic mother, may well feel she should be told to get fucked.

Mine watched us struggle while she had hundreds of thousands, and charged me for the screws DF used to put up a shelf for us. Expects my young adult kids with sky high rent to take her out for a meal. She is a higher rate tax payer based on her interest payments alone, and had barely bought them an ice cream.