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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

It’s a stepchildren and bedrooms one!

353 replies

SettleThis · 20/09/2023 09:07

I am pregnant and have three stepchildren (SD8, SD7 and SS5). SO and I live in a three-bedroom house, with an additional reception room downstairs used as a home office at the moment. At some point in the next 2-3 years we’re hoping to remodel and add another bedroom upstairs, but this isn’t an immediate priority right now.

IABU - baby will have to stay in your bedroom then move into the downstairs office (this is SO’s opinion)

IANBU - girls will have to move downstairs and baby into upstairs bedroom (this is my opinion)

OP posts:
minipeony · 20/09/2023 16:13

minipeony · 20/09/2023 16:13

Is it more perhaps he is concerned about them having to "give up their room" for the baby? If so I would try and arrange the timings if you can. So it's not new baby is here and you're moving room. Try to disconnect the two things if possible.

Even though they are connected

DisforDarkChocolate · 20/09/2023 16:13

I think my the time the baby needs a room the girls will be old enough to be downstairs. No need to worry yet.

Goodornot · 20/09/2023 16:16

I wonder if your SCs mum had them all downstairs. Ask your husband that.

The baby stays upstairs. Imagine running up and downstairs when you have a bad night with waking and crying.

minipeony · 20/09/2023 16:16

Your idea makes the most sense OP. You can't put the baby downstairs. You'll be up and down the stairs all the time.

Get some fairy lights for the stairs so the girls have a nice lit path upstairs if required and make it cool - let them choose the decoration etc.

Goodornot · 20/09/2023 16:17

minipeony · 20/09/2023 16:13

Is it more perhaps he is concerned about them having to "give up their room" for the baby? If so I would try and arrange the timings if you can. So it's not new baby is here and you're moving room. Try to disconnect the two things if possible.

They have bedrooms at their mums. The baby will only have 1 bedroom.

minipeony · 20/09/2023 16:18

Coffeepot72 · 20/09/2023 15:20

Funny, isn't it - bio children never seem to be harmed by moving bedrooms or sharing with a sibling .....

I can see they might struggle with it too. Doesn't mean it shouldn't be done but if you're moving out of your room for a new baby it can cause issues.

Mrburnshound · 20/09/2023 16:19

Why is it always the CF men who want the woman to pay whilst they decide the rules....
OP if you're paying it's up to you when the extension is done. My DC are night time escapees/wanderers so i need them on the same floor but at age 7 i would be ok to have them downstairs. In fact if i do have a third someone would need to be 2 floors below. DD would be older by then and i think ok

pyjamalife · 20/09/2023 16:20

Read up to about 10am and, for some reason, I can't filter by OP on the android app? (New phone)

My solution would be:
Bed and cot in downstairs room for me/DH and baby. The other one in the main bedroom so we each get a night off.
Leave SC upstairs as is for now.

This would mean your study/nursery/bedroom is nice and set up. Baby can nap in their cot downstairs when you're around cooking/working etc. And then have the view to switch the girls with the baby in a year or so.

minipeony · 20/09/2023 16:21

Goodornot · 20/09/2023 16:17

They have bedrooms at their mums. The baby will only have 1 bedroom.

Show quote history

I know that I'm not stupid. One of the things I did when I moved house with DH was make sure even though there were enough rooms for the 2 dsc to have one each was to make them share as I knew when DC came along it wouldn't go down well for them then to have to share "because of the baby" OP doesn't have the the same issue and her solution is the one that works. If there is a chance they will react to the baby badly then you don't want to compound it with "and you're moving rooms because of the baby". It just needs to be done positively and at a seperate time if possible

minipeony · 20/09/2023 16:24

Oliotya · 20/09/2023 13:35

People shouldn't have more children than they have space for then should they

Show quote history

They have plenty of space. Could probably even have another one

Uggtrending · 20/09/2023 16:26

@SettleThis I've not read all your posts. When I viewed my house (townhouse). DS was a toddler and my mother said you never leaver your baby on the downstairs/middle floor what if you got burgled??

It's common sense.

Uggtrending · 20/09/2023 16:28

@Coffeepot72 the dynamics are totally different when it's your bio child/children obviously.

Getupat8amnow · 20/09/2023 16:28

Growing up we had a three bedroom town house, the small third bedroom was on the middle floor and the two other bedrooms were on the top floor. My sister had the middle floor bedroom the entire time she lived there and it was absolutely fine.

Where I lived there were as many town houses with this design as there were semi detached houses. They were all full of families with a child using the middle floor bedroom (which was slightly too small to fit a double bed but fine for a child or teenager).

Original poster
SettleThis · 20/09/2023 16:35

Anothershitusername · 20/09/2023 16:02

Why is all the cost of any renovation on you op

I earn double, and he pays child maintenance and joint debts he has with his ex. He works really hard, just is in a less lucrative field than me. We’re not married and any extra I pay goes into the house, which is primarily owned by me, so I’m not being screwed over or anything. If we were to split I would be absolutely fine financially.

In a couple of years when we’ll have more equity, SO will have paid off his and his ex’s debts, and our baby or babies will be a bit older so we’ll be paying out less in nursery fees. At that point, depending on the local market, we’ll either extend to add 2/3 bedrooms and a bathroom, or move. It will be a bit of a squish to have four or five children in three bedrooms but it’s not damaging, especially as three of them are rarely here. Plenty of families do it.

OP posts:
olivehaters · 20/09/2023 16:38

The first year your baby will probably be with you anyway, if not longer. My five year old prefers to sleep with me still. He has just started sharing a double bed with his sister but sneaks back to me 50% of the time. Not saying this will happen with you but just saying it’s too soon to worry.
You could have a side cot in your room and then take it from there. You might prefer them with you and you might get your extension before it becomes a pressing need.

Dinosauratemydaffodils · 20/09/2023 16:39

I really don't understand all the angst about DC being on a different floor? Genuinely can't work out if some posters have genuine concerns that would apply equally if all the DCs were the OP's or if it's just some weird attempt to twist it so that the DSCs seem hard done by...

My eldest (8) sleeps on a different floor to us and his sibling. I'm still not massively keen and we have linked fire alarms and an emergency plan. It's not the ground floor. I'd be even less keen if it was.

I had a very negative experience sleeping on the ground floor away from all other adults as a child which I admit coloured my judgement (police involved etc) but even now decades later I'm still uncomfortable with it. My mother moved into a bungalow 2 years ago. We still haven't stayed the night so I don't think it's out of the ordinary. Certainly a friend of mine with 4 kids built an extension rather than put her 7 year old on the ground floor by himself.

However in the absence of all other workable solutions, that's probably what I'd do here.

AngelAurora · 20/09/2023 16:47

crumblingschools · 20/09/2023 11:40

Why did he decide to have another child when he rarely sees the other three?

Why don't you take your agenda elsewhere?

minipeony · 20/09/2023 16:51

SettleThis · 20/09/2023 16:35

I earn double, and he pays child maintenance and joint debts he has with his ex. He works really hard, just is in a less lucrative field than me. We’re not married and any extra I pay goes into the house, which is primarily owned by me, so I’m not being screwed over or anything. If we were to split I would be absolutely fine financially.

In a couple of years when we’ll have more equity, SO will have paid off his and his ex’s debts, and our baby or babies will be a bit older so we’ll be paying out less in nursery fees. At that point, depending on the local market, we’ll either extend to add 2/3 bedrooms and a bathroom, or move. It will be a bit of a squish to have four or five children in three bedrooms but it’s not damaging, especially as three of them are rarely here. Plenty of families do it.

Show quote history

He doesn't get to decide you pay for a renovation for his kids then. The downstairs room is fine. Unless you live in an area rife with break ins I guess

Uggtrending · 20/09/2023 16:53

@crumblingschools unpopular opinion. I agree!

Uggtrending · 20/09/2023 16:55

@minipeony rife break ins? Why don't the parents have the downstairs room?

Oliotya · 20/09/2023 16:57

minipeony · 20/09/2023 16:24

They have plenty of space. Could probably even have another one

Show quote history

I disagree. A ground floor reception room is not a suitable bedroom for primary age children imo. I also have 3 kids in a 3 bedroom house. My DH had a vasectomy rather than another baby. These things really need to be resolved before adding more children into an already complicated situation.

Original poster
SettleThis · 20/09/2023 17:01

Uggtrending · 20/09/2023 16:55

@minipeony rife break ins? Why don't the parents have the downstairs room?

Because that doesn’t solve the issue of being on a different floor to the baby who will be there 100% of the time.

It’s a safe area and we have good security. The downstairs room is beneath ours so we’d hear if anyone called out.

OP posts:
Uggtrending · 20/09/2023 17:04

@SettleThis but the baby will be in your room for the first year approximately. Then the baby can go upstairs with the other kids, sorry but I'm just giving my opinion as you've posted I wouldn't like it. It's a COL crisis and people break in, in all types of areas in fact its usually the well to do areas!

minipeony · 20/09/2023 17:06

Oliotya · 20/09/2023 16:57

I disagree. A ground floor reception room is not a suitable bedroom for primary age children imo. I also have 3 kids in a 3 bedroom house. My DH had a vasectomy rather than another baby. These things really need to be resolved before adding more children into an already complicated situation.

Show quote history

Disagree. I lived in such a house and it was absolutely fine. It depends on layout etc

Oliotya · 20/09/2023 17:06

SettleThis · 20/09/2023 17:01

Because that doesn’t solve the issue of being on a different floor to the baby who will be there 100% of the time.

It’s a safe area and we have good security. The downstairs room is beneath ours so we’d hear if anyone called out.

Show quote history

Keep baby with you when step kids are there then

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