To think this might be contributing to my difficulty finding a partner

[healthgal]

I'm 35 and in a professional job, own a home, reasonably attractive, slim, and a friendly sort of person.

But despite looking and dating for 15 years, I've never found a relationship which has lasted more than a few months.

I was discussing with a friend last night and she suggested that one aspect of my lifestyle could be quite off-putting to potential men, and I'm wondering if this could be part of the reason.

I deeply believe in and follow certain lifestyle measures which I believe (and evidence shows) is beneficial to my health. Such habits include;

• fasting such that I only eat lunch and dinner
• avoiding all ultra processed food, which means cooking my own largely plant based food (although am not vegan)
• drinking apple cider vinegar before each meal
• only drinking water and black coffee really

I have no intention of changing these habits as evidence shows them to be hugely beneficial to health. For special occasions like weddings etc I will be flexible, but I'm never going to be someone who goes for a KFC etc.

I obviously couldn't dictate that a future partner followed the same ethos as me, but subconsciously probably wouldn't pursue someone who wasn't at least semi health focused.

But it's got me thinking, is my lifestyle extremist? And is it putting potential suitors off?

So you live longer but stay single?
But seriously, I do notice that PT's tend to date other PT's etc. and every pickle has a tickle ! Great phrase

I'm also not going to get too into discussions about people disagreeing with the evidence base which I follow, as it's also not really relevant to the AIBU. Especially those referring to studies their husband wrote but (understandably) don't want to link- how could we possibly have a meaningful conversation if I don't know the study you're talking about.

I dated a guy years ago who was into counting macros, no alcohol, no sugar etc, and he really wasn’t for me. He was also very judgmental if I eg ate a biscuit which definitely didn’t help!

We eat a pretty healthy diet, cook mainly from scratch etc. But we also love a bag of Kettle Chips on a Friday night with wine, a Chinese takeaway or pizza once a month, and going out for meals/coffee and cake is something we enjoy. A bacon sandwich brought to me in bed on a Sunday is my absolute favourite! But you don’t want to date me, so we’re all good!

Yea, it's definitely not for everyone. I eat between 11am - 7pm unless I am going out at night, but everyone decides their own eating window.

Only if you talk about it constantly

This, and as long as drinking the vinegar hasn’t rotted your teeth.

I don’t eat much processed food and rarely eaten breakfast since my twenties. It hasn’t stopped me finding a partner.

You sound quite inflexible op.

I fast until lunch at the weekends, dinner in the weekdays , don’t drink, avoid processed foods and am also introverted. Hasn’t stopped me being on a relationship. So I would say it’s not that.

It’s not just being inflexible, you come across a bit dogmatic.

Eating mostly low GI foods is sufficient to avoid spikes.

As others have said sharing food and meals now and again is important for mental health and wellbeing in itself.

It’s not the lifestyle things in themselves that will be off putting, lots of us do many of these things. It’s the rigidity and inflexibility. If you’re not willing to flex at all then yes it will probably take a bit longer and an effort to really search in the right places to find someone like you.

Your friend is trying to be gentle but you're not listening to what she's really trying to say. It's your rigidity, not your diet. I've known a lot of people like you over the years, and their rigidity has never been about just what they eat. It's about everything. They have rules, policies, and procedures for everything. It's your inflexibility that is the massive red flag for the people you're dating.

You were in a relationship and you wouldn't once break your rules, even slightly, to join them for a weekly breakfast? I would say that alone would a deal breaker for most people.

My lifelong vegan friend just married a meat obsessed person of a different religion. They've just managed the difference and agreed a way of working it without being judgemental so I don't think it's the food but perhaps your approach to the food. Its really tricky to say without knowing you though!

I can’t agree with people who are saying things like “This is just healthy eating, really!” Not eating ANY ultra processed foods EVER is pretty rigid, and insisting on eating home cooked food almost entirely is pretty rigid too. The reality is that in a relationship it’s normal to share food and enjoy eating together as a social experience. I’d find it hard to enjoy life with someone who was this strict. I think it probably is putting guys off, OP.

This is nothing like being a vegan. This is highly disordered eating, based on bunkum "science".

Apple cider vinegar does nothing at all for you. Advocating an Instagram account makes you look very foolish and as someone has said already, anyone this lacking in critical thinking would find many potential partners thinking the same.

Maybe see a proper dietician - not a nutritionist, not an influencer, not the PTI at the gym - and discuss your diet, balance across the board plus what actually works and what doesn't.

My comments re flexibility aren’t aimed at your approach to food. They’re meant re life more generally. Perhaps your friend was offering you a gentle example of a wider issue. As he/she knows you and is likely trying to help you, maybe you could revisit the subject at an opportune moment as they may have some good insight if they’re comfortable with sharing it.

Those kind of things wouldn't put me off but I could see it putting other guys off as it restricts choices, perhaps.

Although I don't follow it strictly I don't eat set meals, I'll often have lunch and dinner or just dinner and basically fast. Always been that way.

Same with foods, I like and eat anything but I would generally choose something healthier that's lighter or something that I've cooked myself that's not processed or as much as I can.
I could eat a full English or something if I was with others and like it but I often regret doing it afterwards and wish I hadn't bothered.

I'm not a drinker either, I can have maybe one or two socially but that's as far as it goes. I've been drinking water for so long now it's kind of the default drink but I wouldn't necessarily order water out unless it was a meal.

Dunno, I'm not strict on it or deeply into it but I try to take care of my body by what I consume, try to stay active as much as I can. Maybe location has a influence on that, the sea and that, not sure.

So, yeah I think most would find it odd, hard work and restrictive if it was religiously followed but there must be others who are similar but I would hazard a guess there's not as many.

The OP said that she is flexible but is not prepared to go to KFC etc.

What is wrong with that?

It's a bit like if a vegan posted with the same question, having a stated that they are happy with the lifestyle and have no intent to change, and people replying 'can you be more flexible and just eat meat sometimes'. The answer is obviously going to be no

Asking a vegan to eat meat is nowhere near asking if you can eat a bowl of porridge or a slice of toast a couple of hours earlier than usual

I'm also not going to get too into discussions about people disagreeing with the evidence base which I follow, as it's also not really relevant to the AIBU.

Of course you don’t have to. No one is expecting you to.

But it’s important people are able to challenge misinformation on a public forum

@PinkFootstool you’re being very rude. What right do you have to say that the OP’s dietary choices are ‘bunkem’? What evidence do you have to support this?

I don’t think it’s your habits OP.
I don’t eat breakfast, or processed foods, and I do a lot of exercise.
DH does none of the above and we are very happy. We do go to cafes and I will happily sip my tea whilst he has a full English breakfast.
It’s no problem. We just accept each other for those things.

Now we're getting to the issue. A few months in, you're bound to be saying stuff like this to them. That's why they're off.

After a couple of times meeting me, I might drop in that I'm interested in nutrition and health and really enjoy cooking.

This is where you are going wrong. This need to be on your profile very clearly if you are on OLD so you attract peope who share your health views. Only dropping it in after you've been on a few dates is akin to lying given you choose to be so rigid in your diet and the timings of when you eat.

“I've been quite clear that I am happy with my lifestyle and don't intend on changing.”
This one sentence sums up to me why you are single. I don’t mean that harshly, sorry. But it comes across like you are very set in your ways and don’t ever want to compromise even a little - eg going out to eat breakfast together once a month wouldn’t hurt would it, if it’s something important to your partner.
Thats totally fine if your rigid diet/anttitude and unwillingness to compromise is the most important thing in your life, then maybe you will stay single forever and live a long and healthy life on your own. Some people actively choose that. But if finding a life partner and having a family is more important to you, then you do need to be willing to let go of control sometimes and occasionally move out of your comfort zone in order to make your partner happy.

I really will never understand why you couldn’t have just eaten something?

I couldn’t live a life as restricted as yours, where is the flex, where is the enjoyment???

I couldn’t date anyone so fixed in their ways either. It would quickly bore me.

I eat exactly how you eat in your OP (apart from the ACV) but I don’t really do it intentionally.

I don’t get hungry at breakfast so I don’t eat it.
I drink mainly water and sometimes a black coffee as diary can irritate my stomach.
I eat mainly whole, non-processed foods because it’s cheaper and I have to watch my weight etc.

I do eat junk sometimes but men that I date wouldn’t know that I generally eat s certain way or that I sometimes have junk food, as it doesn’t come up in conversation.

Your diet seems pretty normal.
So unless you’re constantly going on about how superior your diet is then I can’t see how any man would care about it.

If certain health, diet and lifestyle choices manifest as total inflexibility (even if done for good reasons) then I can see how that might cause issues with someone who doesn’t share that lifestyle. It sounds like it limits what you can do together, so you definitely need to find someone on the same page as you.