To think this might be contributing to my difficulty finding a partner

[healthgal]

I'm 35 and in a professional job, own a home, reasonably attractive, slim, and a friendly sort of person.

But despite looking and dating for 15 years, I've never found a relationship which has lasted more than a few months.

I was discussing with a friend last night and she suggested that one aspect of my lifestyle could be quite off-putting to potential men, and I'm wondering if this could be part of the reason.

I deeply believe in and follow certain lifestyle measures which I believe (and evidence shows) is beneficial to my health. Such habits include;

• fasting such that I only eat lunch and dinner
• avoiding all ultra processed food, which means cooking my own largely plant based food (although am not vegan)
• drinking apple cider vinegar before each meal
• only drinking water and black coffee really

I have no intention of changing these habits as evidence shows them to be hugely beneficial to health. For special occasions like weddings etc I will be flexible, but I'm never going to be someone who goes for a KFC etc.

I obviously couldn't dictate that a future partner followed the same ethos as me, but subconsciously probably wouldn't pursue someone who wasn't at least semi health focused.

But it's got me thinking, is my lifestyle extremist? And is it putting potential suitors off?

I think it would help if you were a bit more flexible, a treat on Saturday, a shared breakfast sometimes, a nice meal out etc.

I think a shared enjoyment of similar foods is part of bonding in a relationship. Going on a date and sharing a nice meal, cooking together, sharing a takeaway are small moments but actually quite important I think. I definitely think you need someone with a similar diet or a different but still restricted diet.

I don't think the habits would put people off, but the focus on rigid habits might.

I couldn't care if a partner was knocking back cider vinegar, but it would get wearing if you could never grab a restaurant meal when on holiday or do things spontaneously.

Most people aren’t just looking to meet someone they’re attracted to, they want a partner who will fit into their lifestyle. Not many men will want to date someone with such inflexible eating habits and rigid ideas about diet. The fact that you told us that you were unwilling to eat earlier than 1pm or to forego the ACV in a restaurant in previous relationships, does make it sound like you won’t compromise at all. Many potential long term partners will be put off by your self imposed dietary restrictions, unless they are choosing to follow a similar path.

It's certainly stultifying enough ...

I'm here to find out if the OP is going to say she carries apple cider vinegar in her handbag to restaurant. Like, a little travel bottle.

I don't really understand the "not eating before 1pm" thing. Why is that such a red line? i thought the advice was to breakfast well to avoid snackign later on?

I always eat breakfast before I leave the house because there is no way I would make it to 1pm without eating or I would simply over eat at lunch. At home I can have tea, some live yoghurt with unsweetened museli or a slice of wholemeal toast and a piece of fruit.

These are exactly my thoughts.

We are still only just beginning to really understand the science behind human health and there are clearly many factors at play that will impact health outcomes. In this context, it's a bit mad really to doggedly follow the latest theories so fastidiously when there is a high likelihood that it is only part of the picture and at worst, some of what we believe to be healthy now could be bad for us. For example, we have historically been told that breakfast was an important meal to kickstart the metabolism and now it has fallen out of fashion in favour of fasting. There is no reason to believe that this advice won't change further as we discover more about the human body and specifically about our individual differences and responses to various foods.

UPF etc probably isn't great for us and should generally be avoided, but so should loneliness, stress and anxiety. You sound very uptight and anxious about maintaining your eating habits and being as healthy as possible. We all die in the end and you can waste many years not engaging properly in normal life only to find out your genes have decided your fate long ago.

Well your habits are rather weird.......but every pickle has a tickle and all that. Sounds like you just need to cast your net a bit wider and try to be a bit more flexible. 😬

Yeah I would say you are hard work and/or have fundamental problems relating to people. After 15 years trying the same things with no success I would start to internalise the idea that I am the problem

Hello OP. I follow a lot of your practices (albeit more flexibly). I don’t think they in themselves are a particular issue but I do wonder if it’s indicative of a generally rigid, unbending approach. I think we do probably become increasingly entrenched in our ways as we get older, especially so if single.

I think looking for someone with the same approach is a good start. Also consider whether you’re a bit too uncompromising generally. Maybe let your hair down a bit? Have a bit of fun :)

I have a very short dating history since I recently got divorced after 20+ years of marriage, but one guy did turn me down even before dating once he found out I'm veggie. He likes food too much to be with a veggie he said.

I am quite similar to you OP in some ways. I also fast (16:8), eat almost exclusively vegetables including grains, avoid fast food, don't do the vinegar though. But, I am not as extreme. I still go out drinking and eating dinner with friends/dates at least once or twice a week, I occasionally skip the fasting especially if I am away or hungover.

I haven't found it has been something that people in general is put off by but men do tend to assume I have an eating disorder or health anxiety of some sort which I don't think is the case, and I can see that in a new relationship that could be a sort of deal breaker. What they don't know is that prior to fasting and eating cleaner I had IBS, and that has completely vanished now since I changed my lifestyle. I'd rather they think I'm slightly weird than me having to run to the toilet whenever I have eaten something that my body decided to reject.

👌

So why couldn't you have compromised and gone at midday or 11am (so an hour or two earlier than you usually eat) and had a small breakfast with him?
I'd find your habits very off putting. For me and my partner cooking baking and going out for meals together is a big part of our relationship as is enjoying a glass of wine from time to time.

Sounds a depressing and tedious lifestyle to me, and one I can imagine would be off putting, but if it's important to you so I would have thought waiting to find someone who doesn't find it off putting is the only way to go.

I used to believe that the kind of approach to eating and lifestyle op describes was ultra healthy. I no longer believe that. For me it was disordered - I didn’t realise that in my mind it put me above others (even though I am someone who believes we are all equal) because most people aren’t able to sustain such a way of eating for a few days let alone months or years. I loved that many people were in awe of what I did - many people secretly aspire to eat like that. and mostly I loved how my body looked - and so did others, especially men.

I now feel it was part of ED thinking and pattern of behaviour. It has been fun to break free of it. And I don’t miss it. It took up a lot of space in my mind. Now my mind is free so if I went out on a date I would be interested in far more than how /what my date eats.

giving up rigidity also means that I can feel more deeply - for me, eating so “healthily” was an escape from my feelings.

I am not saying this is the case for you, OP. Just giving you my experience and therefore something else to ponder.

I don’t think your lifestyle and habits are the standard British lifestyle and habits. Your typical British guy who drinks beer with his friends, gets an Indian at the weekend and maybe does some weights twice a week isn’t going to be a good long term match.

But then you don’t need to appeal to most men- just the one! It probably means you just need a very particular type of person to be in a relationship with.

Are you very clear on any dating profiles that you are very into this lifestyle? Do you live in a metropolitan area with lots of choices of single men? It’s harder in rural areas.

Personally I feel that lots of men are into health/ fitness and would like a partner who is the same! I’m thinking men who are into ultramarathons / body building / triathlons / long cycle competitions etc. Do you ever put yourself in the way of health and fitness enthusiasts in real life?

Your responses to comments are largely about defending your food and diet choices. You're not engaging with the main suggestion - that you might come across as rigid and evangelising. That seems to reinforce the point - you wonder if it's the facts of your lifestyle which are the problem, whereas in fact it's likely to be your attitude to it.

You just haven't found the right man. I've gotta be honest, I would find it hard being with someone this rigid with regards to food (mostly people like me don't like it because it holds up a mirror to my indulgence which I know aren't good for me) being with someone who is very controlled like that can make us feel like our "little treats" are worse than they are. Even if you don't Bang on about it.

For some people, having a greasy take away on the sofa and a couple of glasses of wine a week is an important part of a relationship. But that's not the relationship that you're looking for so I wouldn't despair that it hasn't worked with these men as you were probably incompatible on a number of levels.

As a pp has suggested, maybe see if there are any dating sites linked to fitness and nutrition.

Intermittent fasting helps with lowering blood pressure, blood sugar and reduce inflammation in your body. That kicks in after about 12 hours of fasting so if you can go 16-20 hours or so your body benefits more. At least those three are the reasons I fast, especially the inflammation as I have arthritis and had IBS when not fasting. Some do it for weight loss only.

I have to say that would put me off in a partner, DH and I are both quite health conscious, we both train (me running, him the gym/crossfit), so we aren’t a couple who have a takeaway or meal out every weekend, but if on a Saturday morning we walked past a coffee shop and he wouldn’t go in because it wasn’t a certain time I would think he’d lost the plot a bit! I can’t imagine having a partner who won’t share popcorn and a hot dog with me at the cinema, or who won’t go out for a meal, who won’t sit in a coffee shop on a Sunday morning and share some toast etc. I think finding a partner at either end of the extreme is difficult not just your end, people find it equally difficult if they are unhealthy and don’t look after themselves etc, so I don’t just think it applies to one end of the spectrum.

Boom, there it is. Your response to “Provisionsonsonthedock” is exactly what your friend is referring to.

@RoachFish Ahh that would not be for me then - I have genetically really quite low blood pressure. Not eating until 1pm would be a disaster.

To those saying I'm ignoring comments that I should be more flexible:

I'm not ignoring per se, but my post isn't about me being unsure whether to be more flexible. I've been quite clear that I am happy with my lifestyle and don't intend on changing. My post is about whether this is likely hindering my potential relationships, and the response has been a mixed bag tbf!

It's a bit like if a vegan posted with the same question, having a stated that they are happy with the lifestyle and have no intent to change, and people replying 'can you be more flexible and just eat meat sometimes'. The answer is obviously going to be no.

I wouldn't want to be with someone who go refused to be at all spontaneous. They might live a long time and be thin, but being so rigid as to refuse to ever eat before 1pm would get boring quite quickly. Orthorexia isn't sexy, to me. That said, there will be someone out there for you I'm sure.

There are genuine, proven benefits to intermittent fasting from the perspective of managing insulin resistance. Unlike many things mentioned on the thread that are just unproved gimmicks.

I avoid people who are dogmatically and rigidly into diet fads as in most cases it suggests a lack of critical thinking, which is very important for me in friends, and would be non-negotiable in a partner.