To think this might be contributing to my difficulty finding a partner

[healthgal]

I'm 35 and in a professional job, own a home, reasonably attractive, slim, and a friendly sort of person.

But despite looking and dating for 15 years, I've never found a relationship which has lasted more than a few months.

I was discussing with a friend last night and she suggested that one aspect of my lifestyle could be quite off-putting to potential men, and I'm wondering if this could be part of the reason.

I deeply believe in and follow certain lifestyle measures which I believe (and evidence shows) is beneficial to my health. Such habits include;

• fasting such that I only eat lunch and dinner
• avoiding all ultra processed food, which means cooking my own largely plant based food (although am not vegan)
• drinking apple cider vinegar before each meal
• only drinking water and black coffee really

I have no intention of changing these habits as evidence shows them to be hugely beneficial to health. For special occasions like weddings etc I will be flexible, but I'm never going to be someone who goes for a KFC etc.

I obviously couldn't dictate that a future partner followed the same ethos as me, but subconsciously probably wouldn't pursue someone who wasn't at least semi health focused.

But it's got me thinking, is my lifestyle extremist? And is it putting potential suitors off?

You know my mum had an eating disorder much of her life. You name it she wont eat it. You name it we weren't allowed it.

She didn't really allow us to have any crisps, biscuits, etc. It was meat and veg at meal times and fruit for dessert. I felt deviant buying a can of coke at 16 ... I knew I wasn't allowed it.

She wouldn't eat pasta, anything with sauce on it, all she really ate was plain meat and salad with no dressing.

Never been overweight , mainly under weight. Virtually teetotal. Never smoked.

She's currently in hospital dying of oesophageal cancer for which the major risk factors are obesity, alcoholism and smoking.

Death is coming for you no matter healthily you think you're living your life.

The OP has too many hang ups, the only way a relationship is going to work is to find a man with similar preferences and that narrows the field a lot. Even if there was a man with such rigid choices there is no guarantee that it would work long term. Men approaching 40 are looking for a woman that is easy to live with, many would have had previous relationships or marriages, enticing them into a long term relationship is not easy.

How about taking cooking classes.
Eating alone in healthy restaurants.
Joining groups where healthy men like to go like a swimming club, mixed netball, a community garden/vegie plot.

You are not doing anything that unusual unless you are making a fuss about it.

I know lots of people with diets at least as restrictive (if not more) than yours who don't have any issues having relationships. Including myself, when I met dh over 30 years ago.

I can only imagine it being an issue with someone whose only idea of socialising revolves around a large amount of alcohol being consumed. Plenty of people are not like that.

sorry, duplicate post

Nobody is saying you have to be flexible. People are saying the problem may not be what you eat and don't eat, but rather the lack of flexibility and spontaneity that is off-putting to a lot of people. I don't think the vegan example really compares as being vegan, at least these days, is generally not as restrictive as your eating habits, and people don't seem to bother calling it a lifestyle anymore. You can very easily be vegan and still be spontaneous and do normal everyday things that the majority of adults would sort of expect in a relationship.

Anyway, this is why people are mentioning it. 'I do x, is this a problem?'....MN 'unlikely, but y might be'. That's all it is.

If you don't want to be flexible about any element of it ever, then you will just have to hope that you are able to identify and meet and fall in love with someone from the probably pretty narrow pool of potential partners who are compatible with you in terms of eating habits (and also in every other way nice and appealing and treat you well!).

It's nothing like asking a vegan to be flexible and eat meat. Veganism is an ethical lifestyle, not a diet.

Everyone is entitled to lead their own lives as they wish and @healthgal seems content with her choices.

I have been following 16/8 and try not to eat before midday and at times that can be difficult. I have switched this up for weekends away etc and generally feel sluggish, it messes with my digestion and I may enjoy it at the time but my body seems to function best when in a routine. DH is very supportive of this.

Finding someone who respects your choices and shares your lifestyle goals is definitely preferential and I would try to attend events linked to your lifestyle.

It's a bit like if a vegan posted with the same question, having a stated that they are happy with the lifestyle and have no intent to change, and people replying 'can you be more flexible and just eat meat sometimes'. The answer is obviously going to be no.

Well, no, it's like if a vegan said they'd only eat after 1pm and , and people said 'can you be more flexible and have a veggie breakfast at 11am on a Saturday'. Your rules aren't akin to vegans being asked to have meat. They're utterly inflexible for no reason that makes sense. Compromising once in a while to be a little more spontaneous wouldn't hurt you and would make a relationship more appealing. But you've said you're not going to change so you have to find that one person out there who fits perfectly with your lifestyle. I know vegans get a bad rap on here, but I know many who have organic vegan wine and chocs and sumptuous feasts of vegan alternatives at any time of the day.

FWIW I've always found I got fatter when I fell in love. And then made more effort to be healthy together, but in that first flush there's a lot of unclenching, enjoying life together, eating out, eating ice cream in bed etc. Maybe you'd hate that and just want to hike, surf and ferment fruit together. But although other people can't change you, you do have to meet them halfway in most relationships, and if you won't, then you might struggle to find the one.

Flexible for special occasions (we don't know ehat that flexibility is anyway. Timr? Ingredients?), but not even flexible enough to move eating window once in a while.

Either way I was reacting to "brainwashed to eat UPF". Most people understand there is a balance

They're utterly inflexible for no reason that makes sense.

And please don't explain the benefits of fasting again. I know them very well. I only mean once in a while. Same as you could endure a glucose spike once in a while. You don't have a medical condition or ethical/religious law that means if you don't stick to these rules, your world will end. It might well open up.

I think it probably is hindering your dating life a little bit but that ultimately means you haven’t found ‘the one’ yet. When you do find them they’ll not care about your lifestyle choices.

Nothing. But the original question was about whether this )amongst other things) is limiting the pool of potential partners. Which it does. Which is also fine.

I think this overall is a great way of living. I live a lifestyle not too far off yours, but mine seems more flexible than yours. We do change as we age so who knows if I will become more rigid. Because I feel much better when I control my glucose spikes.

Anyways to answer your question, do I believe this limits your relationship prospects? Yes, definitely, it has slightly limited my new friendships. Also, I would have not been with my husband had I been this way when we met in our mid 20s. My husband was so unhealthy and we went out ate fast food and drank.

I have gone on a health kick because of what I have learned and seeing my dad deteriorating with dementia. My husband has followed behind, he has changed dramatically but is still is on a long road. I think today he could potentially date someone like you but only if he got to really know you. Otherwise the fact you would not have a pizza with him or the vegetarian lifestyle would be hard.

My suggestions would be to try dinner dates on restaurants that are not only vegan but do cater to you and has a wide offering. I would avoid talking about this part of your lifestyle in the beginning, just asses if your date cares about what they consider to be a healthy lifestyle. I believe in the next few years society will change and a health conscious person will add some of your choices to their life. I also would meet people via "healthy groups", I heard some people use strava for that but I am not sure how it works.

OP, your habits don't sound extreme to me and they're basically what I do and have done most my life (except you can prize milky coffee from my cold dead hands thank you very much). I wouldn't really have thought of my diet as a "lifestyle" though as other people have picked up on... it's pretty normal really? Though I would definitely eat breakfast if someone wanted to go out for breakfast even though I don't eat it on a daily basis, so I guess that's a flexibility difference.

I'm struck by the Saturday fry up example for some reason... you say he didn't like that you wouldn't go for a fry up with him, but also that you hadn't considered he'd be happy if you could have just gone and got a coffee. Didn't you ask? When he said "let's go out for breakfast", did you not say "okay sounds great, I'll just get a coffee though I think as I don't normally eat breakfast"? I'm finding it hard to imagine the conversation 😅

You might want to consider that some people on this thread are picking up on a certain attitude from your posts that they find annoying. I'm sure there will be many others who don't find that attitude annoying. BUT you say you definitely don't hold the views/attitude that PPs are accusing you of - so perhaps if there's a mismatch between your intentions and the way people are receiving them, that could be the case IRL as well?

I don't think this should be an issue but it will depend on the men you have been dating. A good friend of mine is a vegan. No meat in the house, she does have dairy in the house though as her husband and children are not vegan. He eats meat when they go out.

It's all about respecting each others choices. I am sure there are men out there who are not bothered about going out for a fry up and eating fast food. My DH is not into either.

Tbh it's very difficult to have a relationship without booze. That's resulted in the end of a few relationships for me. I don't drink because I don't like it, and I like to go to bed early (10ish). Which, in combination, is seen as the ultimate bore fest! I did eventually find a partner who also doesn't drink and has early starts at work. I didn't meet him until I was in my mid 30s.

Is there a wider reason you're so prescriptive around food? Do you have control issues in other areas of your life? MH issues?

I honestly don't think this is a problem except in that it would reduce your dating pool somewhat because for a lot of people, eating out etc is a core part of their social activities and, let's face, even if it's not, it's a useful way to start dating.

If it's any consolation, if DH was single, I think he'd happily date you! He's never been a fan of eating out, he hardly drinks, is very active and loves the idea of a super healthy diet etc (although he's a little bit addicted to cake!)

I don't eat breakfast and avoid most UPFs. Most people outside my immediate family have no idea that I do this. I take my own lunch to work and choose the least UPF options in restaurants.

If I was invited out for breakfast I would enjoy it and miss out lunch or dinner.

So I'm slightly struggling to understand why a healthy lifestyle would be an issue, unless you make it one.

I wonder if you are quite rigid in other areas of your life, and this is a bigger problem. Relationships need compromise on both sides to work, and it sounds like you don't want to bend. This is fine by the way, as the saying goes, you do you. It's just perhaps not a good basis for a long term relationship.

It would put me off as it seems quite rigid and inflexible. I would also worry about a partner like this judging me and ultimately expecting me to follow the same rituals. That said, I’m sure there must be men out there who share the same interests - maybe you are looking in the wrong places? If I were in your position I would be trying to meet potential partners via health clubs, activities etc and that way I would stand a higher chance of finding someone compatible.

So unless you’re constantly going on about how superior your diet is then I can’t see how any man would care about it.

I reckon she does evangelise, probably more than she realises. She selects the username @healthgal and straight out the gate says "I deeply believe in and follow certain lifestyle measures" - it sounds almost religious. The rest of OP's posts suggest an entrenched, rigid, dogmatic (and possibly smug) way of thinking, which I doubt is limited to just dietary matters.

Based on OP's posts, I can see why they run. But as PPs have said, there are bound to be others out there with similar zeal. It's just a question of finding them, and then seeing if two equally rigid, inflexible people actually get on well together.

Drinking vinegar before a meal is total bunkum if you are not diabetic. Obsessive behaviour around food is disordered eating.

Glucose spikes doesn't mean what the OP seems to think they mean.

By way of example: https://www.dietitiansophie.com/a-dietitians-review-of-the-glucose-goddess-method/#:~:text=Many%20claims%20are%20not%20supported,worry%20about%20your%20blood%20glucose.

What I notice about your post is your language. That you deeply believe and follow. That you would only be flexible for a wedding. etc. That you eat only your own plant-based cooking. That whilst you can't dictate to a partner (which seems to imply you really would prefer they do the same as you) and you call it an "ethos".

It sounds from this language like you are very inflexible and a little humourless about your regime and that it forms a kind of belief system rather than being an allergy which has to be negotiated but isn't a choice, or being vegetarian, which is easier to just understand as it's one rule if you like. It would remove an awful lot of social opportunities and ability for people who want to go out or go to restaurants or enjoy variety to enjoy these aspects of lifestyle. What about all the occasions most people do like Christmas meals, or date nights out, going to restaurants? Are you very controlly if the other person cooks or would you allow them to cook and in which case would you be willing to try stuff they cooked too? Is this just about health or is there an element of rigid eating or overconcern with other issues like body image perhaps. Are there any other aspects of your life that are similarly controlled? If you cannot go outside these rules, will it not seriously restrict the amount of socialising or eating out you can do? Do you avoid those things in order to maintain the rules or do you still go out? Health is also about relaxation and laughing and reducing stress and having fun.

In and of itself, people who have allergies or are vegan or veggie like others have mentioned have partners and it doesn't necessarily have to be a problem. But people with allergies don't tend to treat it as "an ethos". Perhaps a better comparison might be veganism, and I do know people who are veggie or vegan or who have serious allergies or conditions that affect their diet who go out with people who aren't. It more depends on whether they take on some of the difficulties it can create and whether they are flexible in other ways. It might be these particular set of rules seem very self-imposed without a wider ethos (such as not killing animals for example which many could understand). You say health and you obviously like your regime, but it's not really the only way to eat to be healthy, so being rigid about it is more because you choose that, and the fact you call it an ethos is slightly odd to me and suggests something bigger than just a way that you've found you like. Someone being very judgemental or attempting to control how the other person does stuff would be quite difficult to live with, particularly if it seemed like a set of self-imposed rules rather than an actual "ethos" as such.

None of this was meant as any critique of your actual way of being. Just trying to describe the difference as I see it between an outside ethos and what could be seen to be a self-imposed set of rules that maybe don't allow for another person's way of doing things.

It's really at that 1-2 months mark that men will start to realise 'oh you do eat very healthy' and then they see all the fermenting fruits in the fridge and all the many many jars of nuts etc in the kitchen

So are you having trouble meeting a partner or do you get to this stage and they bow out? If so, perhaps you need to be MORE upfront about your lifestyle. If someone meets you and casually dates for a few month, they may not realise how intense and restrictive you would be as a partner until you open up about it. Although what do you actually do on dates if you don’t eat out or drink?

I don’t know where you would find others like you though. Are there forums for your kind of lifestyle? Most of the healthy and fit people I know have balance so while they do the fermenting, healthy eating, lots of exercise, they also have no qualms about going out for a pint or a pizza once a week.

I think you’ve kind of answered your own question really.