To think this might be contributing to my difficulty finding a partner

[healthgal]

I'm 35 and in a professional job, own a home, reasonably attractive, slim, and a friendly sort of person.

But despite looking and dating for 15 years, I've never found a relationship which has lasted more than a few months.

I was discussing with a friend last night and she suggested that one aspect of my lifestyle could be quite off-putting to potential men, and I'm wondering if this could be part of the reason.

I deeply believe in and follow certain lifestyle measures which I believe (and evidence shows) is beneficial to my health. Such habits include;

• fasting such that I only eat lunch and dinner
• avoiding all ultra processed food, which means cooking my own largely plant based food (although am not vegan)
• drinking apple cider vinegar before each meal
• only drinking water and black coffee really

I have no intention of changing these habits as evidence shows them to be hugely beneficial to health. For special occasions like weddings etc I will be flexible, but I'm never going to be someone who goes for a KFC etc.

I obviously couldn't dictate that a future partner followed the same ethos as me, but subconsciously probably wouldn't pursue someone who wasn't at least semi health focused.

But it's got me thinking, is my lifestyle extremist? And is it putting potential suitors off?

I agree with all this. The post has also been focusing on dating relationships, what are your friendships like? Do you have a big circle of female friends too? I had a friend very similar to you, she'd always complain about men not wanting a relationship, but to be honest she lost a lot of her female friends too because of her attitude.

What you said is indicative of the attitude you have towards food and how you judge what other people eat. You are very ridged and inflexible about what you eat, that is off putting for a lot of people.

I agree with you but don't waste your time, you can't change people who have been brainwashed to eat UPFs.

Two things have sprung to mind since first reading this thread

The first and most important is that if you met someone you REALLY liked you would probably become a little bit more flexible. If there was someone you were really into you would probably discover that you could switch your eating window forward from 1.00pm to 11.00am that day. The fact that your self imposed regime was more important than spending quality time with a potential life partner says everything about how important that man was to you.

Also, why in gods name is someone who is concerned about health drinking black coffee? It has zero nutritional benefit. All it does is give false energy bursts followed by caffeine withdrawal lows.

Sharing food is an important human bonding experience.

So yes, if you stick rigidly to this it's not going to help.

I couldn't live with someone who lives like you do.

You need to find someone with the same outlook.

Have only read OP posts.

It strikes me that this rigidity in habits/diet may extend to other aspects of your like and this would create an atmosphere where it would be difficult to feel at ease..

You come across as quite preachy about the benefits of what you’re doing and think of yourself as superior. Which isn’t attractive.

If you were as self deprecating it would be better…
“One thing you must know about me I’m a health nut, haven’t eaten a breakfast in years, surprised I haven’t wasted away!!”
Rather than…
”I’m extremely health conscious and follow a strict routine. I can’t possibly go with you to breakfast, do you know that has X health implications?? I have to control my sugar spikes and take aways are a no no. People have such unhealthy choices and the nhs is wrong too and….
Which is incredibly superior, condescending, judgemental and all a bit 🥱

You also sound old fashioned - suitors?!

So chill out a bit, develop a sense of humour, and stop being as uptight as a starched shirt.

It isn’t your lifestyle choices, it is how you communicate about them and the rigidity that would be off putting it would feel stifling.

I absolutely agree how we view food is wrong, we, as a society live on UPF (myself included, more so than others probably), and we don’t value our health enough.

But I suspect your devotion to it presents itself more than just “this is how I eat”. Even your user name is related to health. I suspect your entire self worth and personality is tied up in healthy eating and it probably puts people off. Even to those who also follow a healthy lifestyle. Restricting yourself so much you can’t go for eggs once a week, pre 1pm with your partner who really wants to spend time with you… that’s just sad.

You’re entitled to live your life however you went but I suspect your devotion to it IS putting people off. Have you asked men who have rejected you why?

Maybe healthy but totally lacking in joie de vivre ...

The lack of spontaneity or any ability to be flexible or to compromise would be the biggest off-putting factor I would think. It does sound rather as if you have 'become' your lifestyle rather than it being a simple case of what you do or don't like to eat. You can arrange your whole life around your diet if you like, but it isn't appealing or interesting for others to want to do the same.

Plus you do come across as judgemental about it.

What else is interesting about you, do you have other hobbies or interests, are there other things you are passionate about? Do you have a large circle of friends from different walks of life? Do you read things that open your mind occasionally? Do you engage in the outdoors, the arts, other things that are not about this? I get that this thread is about your eating habits because your friend raised it, but is she also saying it feels like this is the main thing about you that people will know or recognise? Good health, in and of itself, is a good thing, nobody would argue with that, but good health is only useful or valuable in that it allows us to enjoy life, maybe live a longer life, and do the things that we enjoy, that make us happy and connect us with the people and the things we love. If the pursuance of good health begins to replace actual life, then you are missing out.

mate, chill out, my dad has had a KFC every week for as long as i can remember, he drinks a shot of whiskey and a can of guinness every night for many years, hes 85.

You sound insufferable just from your posts! If your friend has noticed how rigid and preachy you are and even gone as far as to comment on it, then I’m sure a partner will have figured it out much sooner, by virtue of spending more time with you.

You ought to look at your health holistically. Your dietary habits are great for your physical health, but you sound like you have orthorexia (I.e. your mental health doesn’t sound great), and is being lonely and subconsciously wanting a partner going to be good for your health in the years to come? Loneliness is a huge factor in happiness and life expectancy.

I think the fact that your friend, who will very likely know you better personally better than anyone on here, pointed this out is something to potentially reflect upon. Maybe talk to her about it some more and find out what aspect about it that makes her think it might put people off, it might put her off in some ways too...

OP I totally agree with you that as a nation we are addicted to UPFs (and I still eat them). I don't know why people are getting so offended. People have weird attachments to food and get very defensive about it.

Most people understand there is a balance. It's not eating all upf or all none upf.

Have you name changed for this thread, @healthgal?

This wouldn't work for me as on the surface it seems OK, but is actually quite rigid for me. I love going out for breakfast and meals in general. I would want to share cooking but wouldn't want to eat that diet. Plus love a takeaway too.

I think you just need to find someone else who is super health conscious.

Isn’t Nando’s quite healthy? I order grilled chicken, rice and salad.

OP, I don’t think this is about food. But it might be about whatever underlies your approach to food. Who knows. MN can only help you so far. Are you in a position to meet with a therapist about this? Not because I’m suggesting there’s anything wrong with you (FWIW I agree that the prevalence and normalising of UPFs is a huge problem) but they might be able to think through with you what barriers there might be to you forming a long lasting relationship

I don't believe you have any sort of disordered eating OP, you're simply looking after your body and health in the best way for you. There will be people out there who have similar health approaches to you, but they will be in the minority.

But I can imagine it being a bit off putting or people who don't follow a simlar lifestyle, especially when starting to date as alot of activities involve dinner/eating out.

I wouldn’t worry about limiting the dating pool. You only need to find one man. Just try looking in the right places. There are plenty of health conscious men on Twitter.

I think it’s the attitude that you are showing here that might be off putting and never going to a cafe before 1 is too rigid and would be off putting/ show a lack of respect for what they enjoy.

Why did your previous relationships end?

Thanks again for replies....

I am dyslexic so that may or may not explain odd word choices. Thanks for making me feel great about that too 😂

Yes have name changed for this post, and given it was going to be about health I don't think that it's weird that health was on my mind when picking the username...?

There is lots more to my life. I hike, live by the sea, enjoy water sports, am close with family, am setting up my own business. Have lots of groups of friends including women, men and couples.

I actually don't talk about this very often. After a couple of times meeting me, I might drop in that I'm interested in nutrition and health and really enjoy cooking. It's really at that 1-2 months mark that men will start to realise 'oh you do eat very healthy' and then they see all the fermenting fruits in the fridge and all the many many jars of nuts etc in the kitchen... 😂

My DD weight trains and her partner is a professional athlete, my other son in law etc follow a similar plan except for intermittent fasting. That's the issue, if you train you don't want big gaps. I intermittent fast, I'm post menopausal with an immune disorder and the evidence is there, for me. Christmas morning, I just start eating a bit earlier. I go for brunch, not breakfast etc. We shouldn't eat high amounts of ultra processed food, but we've lived healithy for generations on eating when we can and without apple cider vinegar. It is your rigid thinking that she talking about. Do you really carry ACV to a restaurant? That's obsessive.

I do think you’d need to find someone who is similar, and as others said, it really depends if you are someone to talk about it a lot. If so, maybe there’s your answer…