To think this might be contributing to my difficulty finding a partner

[healthgal]

I'm 35 and in a professional job, own a home, reasonably attractive, slim, and a friendly sort of person.

But despite looking and dating for 15 years, I've never found a relationship which has lasted more than a few months.

I was discussing with a friend last night and she suggested that one aspect of my lifestyle could be quite off-putting to potential men, and I'm wondering if this could be part of the reason.

I deeply believe in and follow certain lifestyle measures which I believe (and evidence shows) is beneficial to my health. Such habits include;

• fasting such that I only eat lunch and dinner
• avoiding all ultra processed food, which means cooking my own largely plant based food (although am not vegan)
• drinking apple cider vinegar before each meal
• only drinking water and black coffee really

I have no intention of changing these habits as evidence shows them to be hugely beneficial to health. For special occasions like weddings etc I will be flexible, but I'm never going to be someone who goes for a KFC etc.

I obviously couldn't dictate that a future partner followed the same ethos as me, but subconsciously probably wouldn't pursue someone who wasn't at least semi health focused.

But it's got me thinking, is my lifestyle extremist? And is it putting potential suitors off?

The drink wouldn't bother me but I think I would be put off by a man with such a regimented eating regime as I like going out for dinner etc

It isn’t extreme, depends if you’re judgemental about how other people live or talk about it all the time.

I think it could be extreme, depends on how regimented the OP is.

I would think that your high level of self care would be a bonus if anything.

I don't see OP's extreme rigidity as a form of self-care at all. It reads to me like she has orthorexia.

@AutumnCrow like the ‘maple syrup’ episode of Seinfield with Courtney Cox 😅

I know a woman who follows a very restrictive diet (low carb vegan) and she's in a very happy relationship. But in her case she has a lot going on outside of food (going to gigs, a couple of sports, volunteering at a charity, travel etc), and food is just fuel. Her lifestyle is very exciting and whenever we talk she barely mentions her diet. Probably as you work within nutrition that whole subject is central to your day to day. But plenty of people don't centre food and going out for meals in their life, so maybe get some hobbies to meet a partner?

Maybe you smell of vinegar. Sorry op 😅
Honestly this would put me off a relationship. I need a bit of a junk fest every now and again, and being able to share food with my partner is important.

Presumably there are other people out here following a similar lifestyle that would want a partner with shared interests. Are there places you could go to meet them? IDK like some kind of health retreat or something like that?

Probably the field is going to be narrower than your average KFC kind of guy!

those people will have less of a pool to chose from but they’ll have a loving relationship finding their niche than stopping doing what they love.

Having no flexibility and being true to yourself may or may not result in a loving relationship.
Noone is stopping OP from doing what she wants. She may meet an health obsessed partner and they can embark on a health journey together. But OP is 35, not sure she wants to have kids. Even if she doesn't, that doesn't mean her niche pool have all childfree men. A loving relationship is not result of shared hobbies or fitness goals, as she age, her niche pool becomes smaller, and also chances of her finding a man without kids becomes smaller. She does not come across being very flexible, and kids in equation even step kids demand flexibility.

The best advice to OP would she sit down and think about how much she values a relationship and/or kids. If doesn't care, no problem. If she does she needs to adopt a little flexibility. To me not able to break your breakfast rule one day a week to go to a cafe if her partner wants and choose a healthy option hows extreme rigidity.

If you are looking for someone to spend the rest of your life with, it really is best if you share core values. That doesn’t mean agreeing on everything or having identical interests, but having those same core beliefs make a relationship go much more smoothly.

the pool of available men that are going to match well with you is small. This is where online dating should have evolved into an amazing tool instead of a screener based on nothing but appearance. You need to find men who are equally health conscious. They don’t have to follow the same diet or same rules, but you need to find someone who needs that same structure in his life regarding his health.

this isn’t a criticism. My own dating pool is small as well and my first marriage failed because I didn’t pick the right type of man. I needed a very particular type who wouldn’t just understand my quirks, but would love me for them.

From your post and your responses you sound very rigid. That's the issue.

I am a lactose intolerant celiac. Never had any issues dating. This sounds joyless though. The fact it didn't even occur to you to go for breakfast with your boyfriend and just have coffee. The fact it sounds like you didn't even discuss it with him. It all sounds your way or the highway.

Most of us can see the issue in this post but your repeating that your question was only about food says a lot. People are giving you insight into what can help, and given you want a relationship why not listen to the advice?

And being thin and attractive is not enough. There are lots of slim attractive people. I have dated attractive men, one semi famous and gorgeous. Looks only take you so far. He was a wanker so that was that. You need to focus on what you bring to the table (so to speak) beyond looks.

But your op was about why you can't have a relationship and pp responded from view point of an average person.

If you now want to say ssociety is addicted, then you have to find a partner from ourside the society, atleast the mainstream.

On the one hand you say ...

I don't tend to bring any of this up unless asked, and I don't think I'm judgemental towards individuals as ultimately I place most of the blame in health policies, food companies and outdated NHS approaches rather than individuals' lifestyle choices.

On the other you say...

I won't get too far into it but I'd say that the 'socially accepted way of eating' ultra processed and high sugar foods, which people are addicted to, are the ones with psychological issues.

Here is the thing. Reducing significantly the amount of ultra processed food and going mostly (or entirely) plant based is definitely a good idea and you would find lots of people who share those beliefs and would be very happy to be in a relationship with someone who views it the same way.

The rigidness you’re describing, however, looks a lot like orthorexia and it is a form of eating disorder.

There is no need to be doing intermittent fasting every day like it’s religion (science is not even definitive on the health benefits of I
doing it at all). The possible negative health outcomes of you having a healthy brunch every Saturday are non-existent. The negative social consequences of you never having a weekend brunch with your significant other are big. Most people wouldn’t want to do that. Of course, you might not impose your lifestyle on your partner but it is impossible to share a life with someone without sharing a big part of the lifestyle.

Apple Cider vinegar - again negligible health benefits and if you live as healthily as you suggest I don’t see why you need to watch your glucose levels like that. Yes, glucose levels do go up after meals. It’s normal. But that’s a quirk someone who likes you otherwise could potentially accept.

Now you could find someone who is equally obsessive and rigid - you’re not the only one like this. And you could share your sense of superiority. But of course they might be subscribing to different fads. They might belong to the church of keto diets or they might do intermittent fasting in the evening and you will never eat a meal together.

So to answer your question- yes, your friend is right, this rigidness would be off putting even to people who lead generally healthy but balanced lifestyle. I guess most people would think: there is more fish in the sea and this feels like too much work.

This is not people being put off by you living a healthy lifestyle. They are being put off by the rigidness and obsession- this does NOT look healthy. And I know you disagree because you think you are the healthiest of them all but it is true.

Given that you have felt a need to tell a forum of strangers that you're extremely health conscious, I'm gonna hazard a guess that you bang on about it a bit IRL too.

Sorry this is how you feel. The way you choose your life and what you eat doesn’t make you hard to date. Most people I know do exactly what you do and it’s not strange at all.
However if you are generally uptight, judgemental of other people’s habits and refuse to go places/ do things because of the above and find it hard to go with the flow then maybe that’s something to look into rather than your daily health habits.
I just think you haven’t found your match yet

I'm 35 and in a professional job, own a home, reasonably attractive, slim, and a friendly sort of person.

this is far more likely to be the problem.

And the fact that no doubt you do not want to date someone who earns less than you, is less qualified than you, is less attractive than you and doesn’t own their own home.

The men that you are your equals in my experience marry Hairdressers. One guy in our social circle immediately springs to mind. He had a terrible experience with a woman who was at the same level as him. Basically she was too demanding and wouldn’t put up with his bullshit. so he immediately moved back to his hometown and has married and is pregnant with somebody who has a business in false eyelashes. He’s blissfully happy and so is she.

Are there any groups in your area that eat the same way you could join? I think it will have to be someone who does this as well. A person that does not do this might find it very annoying to not have spontaneous pizza or ice cream or any treat really.

If having ‘psychological issues’ gets me laid 4 times a week then sign me up!’

OP, you’ll need to find someone with the same beliefs as you, and someone who is prepared to work to your timetable. You sound quite rigid and inflexible - and that’s ok - you are who you are. Your principles are important to you and that’s good, but it sounds like you need someone just like you and that is probably a fairly small dating pool. You could try joining healthy eating Facebook groups or something like that - and I suspect there are plenty of hardcore cyclists who might follow a similar regime.

I do those too (not the vinegar!) as do many of my friends, nothing hugely unusual these days amongst people who are health conscious. For those who aren’t at all health conscious however I can imagine they might think us odd! Its never held me back, happily married to husband number 2, he doesn’t follow my habits but is health conscious in general so understands. Its the fast food fanatics who wont!

I think that yes, it may be contributing to your difficulties in finding a partner. Personally, I would find it hard to date you and I am not a fast-food lover or anything. But you appear too rigid and inflexible for the average person. I hope you manage to find the right person.

Do you expect or demand this from the other person? If not, I see no issue with your lifestyle.

Please read my post again. I said that it's hard to find, and it usually costs, and it adds a layer of difficulty which is a PITA for others in your circle. We were talking about a 'let's all meet for dinner' situation.

Also, she's a vegan, so yes, it does have to be plant-based.

Both my DP and I believe this about upf too, the evidence is mounting to support it but people are resistant to changing their ideas about current food myths. On the plus side for OP their are obviously men on board with her way of thinking about diet.

Macdee, KFC, and takeaways don't make someone interesting. DP and I managed to socialize, travel and eat out while sticking to our non-upf diets.

It's highly likely to be something other than the food aspect.