To think this might be contributing to my difficulty finding a partner

[healthgal]

I'm 35 and in a professional job, own a home, reasonably attractive, slim, and a friendly sort of person.

But despite looking and dating for 15 years, I've never found a relationship which has lasted more than a few months.

I was discussing with a friend last night and she suggested that one aspect of my lifestyle could be quite off-putting to potential men, and I'm wondering if this could be part of the reason.

I deeply believe in and follow certain lifestyle measures which I believe (and evidence shows) is beneficial to my health. Such habits include;

• fasting such that I only eat lunch and dinner
• avoiding all ultra processed food, which means cooking my own largely plant based food (although am not vegan)
• drinking apple cider vinegar before each meal
• only drinking water and black coffee really

I have no intention of changing these habits as evidence shows them to be hugely beneficial to health. For special occasions like weddings etc I will be flexible, but I'm never going to be someone who goes for a KFC etc.

I obviously couldn't dictate that a future partner followed the same ethos as me, but subconsciously probably wouldn't pursue someone who wasn't at least semi health focused.

But it's got me thinking, is my lifestyle extremist? And is it putting potential suitors off?

Short answer: yes.

Difference of opinion about food aside, relationships are about compromise, flexibility and, especially at the beginning enjoyment and discovery. If you stay together, especially if you have kids, and become one unit, both of you will need to show flexibility and compromise in all areas.

I don't think your life choices and approach that you've articulated in your posts show a person willing to compromise and be flexible. Look, you could find someone who aligns with you and you team up on this stuff, or you could fall for someone who's the exact opposite, but part of caring deeply for someone is being open for love and changes in your life at the beginning stages of a relationship. My BIL was very set in his ways when he married DSIS in his 40s and it was an uphill battle.

I really hope you find someone you love enough to have breakfast with him once in a while if it would make him happy (just as he should do for you!) or you have children and eat the surprise pancakes they make you for breakfast because they love you. To put aside the science and logic, and experience love.

Hubby and I are very different and he's put up with lots of various things from me over the years (and vice versa), but unfortunately the aspect of your life you are not flexible about is an everyday occurrence and even if you say you don't judge, your lifestyle choice comes across as a judgement to others. Food is a way of showing and receiving love for a lot of people :)

Just be yourself.. you'll have more luck finding someone who will learn to respect your lifestyle choices whilst not looking...there's different types of people and how they perceive another person.. people can be ignorant, also unaware of other peoples emotions and reasons but on the other hand there is a lot of people who empathise and understand and those people will come to you.. don't waste your life dwelling on it just have the what will be will be approach. Everyone is different, nobody on this earth is perfect. Your thinking far too much about how people will react..but hey look at the replies you've got... there is some good understanding people out there

I dont think its a no no to relationships OP, loads of people are into much more weirder shit 😂, I do though think it makes your pool of potential partners smaller.

Could you branch out to people with a similar mindset to you? perhaps social media groups and people within them..or you could look up any potential seminars or courses specific to your belief system and hopefully meet some like minded people there?

On another note i admire your mindset and dedication.

I wouldn’t enjoy dating a man with your eating habits. Probably for unfair reasons - I would feel judged and unhealthy!

I would also worry about how this would impact any children we had. No sweets? No Christmas dinner? No pizza or Chinese’s or lazy brunches?

I would feel he was a party pooper! Sorry I am very greedy and shallow

There are plenty of men who follow a healthy lifestyle so that's not going to put them off. There was a dating site mentioned on the YouTube channel Maiden, Mother, Martriarch for people who want a committed (ie likely to lead to marriage) relationship. You may wish to join that to meet the right type of man for you.

I don't think it's the individual habits per se that are the problem here OP. It's the cumulative suggestion of control and fastidiousness which are potentially off-putting, plus the ideological slant on it.

I don't think any one of those things in isolation would put me off a partner, even the cider vinegar.

What would really irritate me is the idea that this incredibly rigid lifestyle has to be observed with religious fervour at all times and at all costs. Also the idea that adherence to it at all costs is more important than pleasure or fun or sometimes letting your hair down.

I don't like heavy drinking and don't enjoy being around heavy drinkers so I would be absolutely fine dating a teetotaller. Ditto vegans and people on most restrictive diets. But if they self-described as a teetotaler or made it a big part of their identity it would put me off them. It's prescriptive and hardline in a way which isn't necessary.

There is a trend among people dating to seek out highly individual, unique behaviours in an attempt to appear interesting to potential mates, but this belief belies the fact that being a bit amenable and compromising is what helps human friendships and romantic relationships to exist.

Suggesting people are 'addicted' to food and refusing to eat at normal mealtimes, is not an attitude that is going to make people want to be around you. It is judgemental and boring.

Eating is a social past time, and you have removed the option of doing this with your partners, in a way many people in your culture would choose to do. I can't imagine I would be particularly warm to a friend's girlfriend who turned up to brunch who refused to eat and accused people of being addicted to food and having psychological issues.

It is kind of a big deal for a potential partner unless they are a. incredibly tolerant or b. not particularly interested in food for enjoyment and socialising either. I appreciate people don't litter their Hinge profiles with this information.

Personally I would be about as willing to go out with a person with your attitude to food as I would be to go out with an asexual person. I think you need to respect this is a valid position to take, and recognise choosing to live in a niche way is going to limit your options.

FWIW I have a mother in law a bit like you and it created significant practical problems in attempting to spend any time with her, and I now have no relationship with her at all. For other reasons too, admittedly.

Seriously this cannot be the issue. You probably just havent met the right person. I did laugh at the responses where you explain about healthy eating and people eating fast food and processed crap (my word) though. Sounds like as big an issue for you as all the covid/lockdown/jab rubbish is for me. And youre not wrong!
Good luck bumping into the right person!

No thats not true. You dont need a carbon copy, just someone more towards that way of thinking.

Life is really really short ( and we will all die including you) to be with someone who sucks the joy out of it. I respect your choices but i wouldn't be sharing my life with you. I would be wondering what rules you would be wanting to put in place for any future children we had, how your regime would impact on them and on myself. I would be wondering how bloody awkward it would be to take you to any wedding/party/mums Sunday lunch.

I would be wondering how bloody awkward it would be to take you to any wedding/party/mums Sunday lunch.

This x1000. You aren't just looking to find somebody who is tolerant of your judgemental attitude around food, but who is also willing to ask their friends, family and acquaintances to tolerate this attitude from you.

To put it a bit crudely, I would be wondering what else you wouldn't eat, and so would some of my mates!

I'm not saying you won't find somebody like that, but you do need to recognise this is quite a bit ask.

If you stopped eating carb rich food you could cut out the apple cider vinegar and save your tooth enamel!

I doubt it's your diet that worries these men, I never had any problems dating when I was anorexic and I was much more obsessive than you. Are you very rigid in other aspects of your life?

Some men might be but you want someone who fits with you.

My son is similar. Some things he does within his diet are different but quite regimented, in a similar way to you. He would easily accommodate differences - his previous gf had a medically specific diet and he cooked accordingly. In fact, he changed his at times to suit her because hers was medical whereas his was choice. Now back on his own he is catering for his preference.

With him, it's not just food. This sort of choice is similar in many of the things he does. His fitness regime for example. Although I'd imagine with someone he would have an ability to flex this, he did before.

So, if you were to think of yoir own personality, does this sort of thing extend beyond food? If it does, as I said at first, I wouldn't worry as you must be happy in yoir own skin, but be aware that some flex might be useful in future if you meet someone.

No it doesn't if you're careful - but I think that a 'normal' mid-budget restaurant uses more UPFs in prep than you'd think. Many of the base ingredients they use are pre-bought - stock, for example - and contain emulsifiers, thickeners, stabilisers and preservatives. Most use seed oils, and so on.

This also means that everyone in the group has to have a decent budget and it's a massive faff too. It's a pain for others, there's no way round that.

Seriously this cannot be the issue.

For me, it absolutely would an issue.

It's not about the food per se, it's how rigid OP's routines are. Never eating breakfast, always having vinegar before a meal, never wanting to go for a meal or grab a takeaway or go to the pub for a roast. You can be healthy and enjoy all those things. It doesn't have to be so strict.

I have a friend I meet up with on a weekend for breakfast about once a month. She's gluten free and we eat totally different things, but we still go out and eat and socialise together. I can't imagine going out for breakfast and sitting next to someone with a black coffee who was refusing to even have some scrambled egg on toast because it wasn't yet 1pm.

@MrsMarzetti to some not drinking, or exercising fastidiously could be interpreted as sucking joy. Different strokes, different folks.

My partner doesn't cycle with me. Something I really enjoyed in previous relationships and friendships. Far more than eating breakfast with someone. So there are going to be many differences, and parts of a relationship that would be a nice to have, but just aren't doable for whatever reason. The thought of going out to breakfast, is pretty hideous to me. But my partner would enjoy it. I might meet half way every once in a while. And as for UPF, there are weird non-natural habits that a huge swathe of the population have. Like it's probably a good idea to siesta, or squat rather than use a toilet, or not sit for hours on end. Or smoke. Once it was fine to smoke, now you are a social pariah. Attitudes change. Like with veganism, it was once seen as extremism. And to the one person that said it isn't a diet, it is a diet and a lifestyle. I can't believe Bill Clinton is vegan for ethical reasons. More so for health reasons. Anyway I digress. Normal and inclusivity is different for different people with differing habits. And social conformity is another thing.

I've met people that proudly wear their identifying attributes. Some that are extremists. OCD, and Autism, can propel them into new and dizzying heights.

I've been out for an evening with a bunch of vegans and they still argued. One was a raw foodist. One was into blood type foods or something.

My partner really struggles and sweats with social graces and social conformity. And in recent years has just dropped them, and is an infinitely happier person as a result.

the odd bit of stock isn't going to do you any harm if 90+% of your diet is UPF free

No, l doubt it.
I would think that your high level of self care would be a bonus if anything.
You probably just have higher standards maybe in general. That's more likely to be the issue, so many women have weak boundaries and low standards when it comes to a relationship and men take full advantage as it suits them bettter, as they can get away with a lot more.

It wouldn't bother me and might quite suit me, as long as you're not being judgey about other choices people might make. You can plan activities around this sort of thing, but I can see it might be socially limiting in the wider scheme of things. Like, meeting with a group of friends for brunch or lunch or family celebrations. I think as a couple it could work but it might throw up barriers outside your coupledom. Sitting there with a coffee while everyone else has a meal might be a bit lame. Maybe a bit of flexibility will help? I'd think if a man feels he can't socialise freely with his friends and GF in a relaxed way, it might be a bit off putting. You can eat out at an occasional brunch and make healthy choices.

@healthgal not the point of the thread I know, but just to let you know my dentist said drinking vinegar is akin to battery acid for the teeth. Be careful!!

As I said in my post.

WinterDeWinter
No it doesn't if you're careful - but I think that a 'normal' mid-budget restaurant uses more UPFs in prep than you'd think. Many of the base ingredients they use are pre-bought - stock, for example - and contain emulsifiers, thickeners, stabilisers and preservatives. Most use seed oils, and so on.

This also means that everyone in the group has to have a decent budget and it's a massive faff too. It's a pain for others, there's no way round that.

Sure if you go to bella pasta, but it's still possible to get Steak, chips & salad/veg for around £20. You just have to suck up vegetable oil for one meal.

Locally we have Turkish, Lebanese restaurants offering good vegetarian & vegan meals (without fake meat) and plenty of other pubs & cafes that aren't offering microwaved ready meals. It does come down to attitude though.

Shit. I know it’s immature but this just made me crack up at work.

No judgement on your chosen lifestyle OP but it is pretty niche/extreme IMO and a lot more limiting than being vegan or teetotal, more like being extremely religious. Agree with PP you would have better luck restricting your pool to people with similar habits/beliefs already.