To think this might be contributing to my difficulty finding a partner

[healthgal]

I'm 35 and in a professional job, own a home, reasonably attractive, slim, and a friendly sort of person.

But despite looking and dating for 15 years, I've never found a relationship which has lasted more than a few months.

I was discussing with a friend last night and she suggested that one aspect of my lifestyle could be quite off-putting to potential men, and I'm wondering if this could be part of the reason.

I deeply believe in and follow certain lifestyle measures which I believe (and evidence shows) is beneficial to my health. Such habits include;

• fasting such that I only eat lunch and dinner
• avoiding all ultra processed food, which means cooking my own largely plant based food (although am not vegan)
• drinking apple cider vinegar before each meal
• only drinking water and black coffee really

I have no intention of changing these habits as evidence shows them to be hugely beneficial to health. For special occasions like weddings etc I will be flexible, but I'm never going to be someone who goes for a KFC etc.

I obviously couldn't dictate that a future partner followed the same ethos as me, but subconsciously probably wouldn't pursue someone who wasn't at least semi health focused.

But it's got me thinking, is my lifestyle extremist? And is it putting potential suitors off?

I think you might be right, actually. I'd find these things off-putting in a man. My life doesn't revolve around food but I do cook and bake, I do like going out for brunch and while I don't care how much or little people eat (just as long as they don't make comments designed to ruin anyone else's meal), I'd find it a bit of a dampener if someone started every meal with an appetite suppressant of some kind.

Rightly or wrongly, it would just feel like a mood dampener. Like I said, my life doesn't revolve around food and I don't just eat what I want when I want... but I do think it's something to enjoy as part of life. It would feel like an inhibited way to live for me.

Of course, they are. Just like everyone on MN looks 20 years younger than their age!

I had a friend like this, who was a very rigid vegetarian who stuck to strict portion sizes and weighed her carbs. Unfortunately this was part of her being a very rigid and "prim" personality. She was incredibly tight with money and liked to call people who went out for dinner/had dessert "indulgent". We were at uni and her entire life was scheduled to the minute. I genuinely think she thought this was how everyone lived until she got to uni. So my answer depends on how you are in other aspects of life.

Except several of shared that we also have healthy lifestyles. I'm even willing to admit that I like apple cider vinegar in salad dressing, though I'd draw the line at drinking the stuff.

I'm fairly confident that It's not eating healthily that's the problem. It's the rigidity.

Exactly. I eat healthy but I absolutely still keep enjoyong other stuff too. As I said, balance is important. If I eat healthy 7 out of 10 meals, I am not going to drop dead because of that 3. Plus even as someone who doesn't eat breakfast (quite common and no I am not fasting) and eats lunch about 1, I still don't say no to occasional early brunch.
Being very ridgid about food and timings is, unless dictated by health condition, quitr unhealthy attitude imho

I once dated a woman who did the vinegar thing - it was always detectable in an evening kiss and oral - ymmv.

Ok, I should have used ‘energised’ or made more urgent or whatever but I have processing/working memory issues and often can’t find the exact word I need in the moment.

Hi OP,

I'm a man and yes I'd be put off by that. Going out for a nice meal or a few drinks with my partner is important to me, and I couldn't imagine dating someone and having so many restrictions on that part of the relationship.

So no, there's nothing wrong with how you approach food, but it likely will be decreasing the pool of potential compatible partners.

@WinterDeWinter Thank you for explaining. I just wanted to acknowledge all the great research that was done on this pre-Covid when there was much less public awareness.

As someone who has had a keto lifestyle for almost four years, I understand wanting to make strict rules for your own health. However, people do feel judged - I’ve lost count of people who look slightly injured when I refuse an office birthday doughnut. I now just say ‘sorry- prediabetic’ in some cases, as that’s not untrue.

HOWEVER, you sound incredibly rigid, at risk of being dull. I also don’t eat breakfast, but if my DH wants to go for a lazy weekend breakfast, I’ll force down some scrambled eggs, no problem. If I need to break Keto for a special occasion - no problem (despite the next few days of headaches) and I’ll up my exercise to burn off the carbs.
It’s unlikely that I’d do well dating a vegetarian, so I wouldn’t bother. You need to find someone with similar goals.

Even I think swigging raw apple cider vinegar before every meal is off putting. Poor evidence base for that.

I mean there is a difference between 'doesn't eat breakfast' which is actually very common. To 'couldn't even step foot in a cafe before 1pm'.
I wonder if OP's seemingly reasonable bullet points are actually hiding a much greater rigidity.

@healthgal i don’t think you’re too strange at all.
We also don’t eat breakfast and try and reduce the UPFs but will go out for a late brunch as a treat sometime.
I think toi need to stay true to who you are and meet someone like minded. Isn’t that the whole point of a relationship, to find someone you gel with? Whether it’s someone who wants to spend 12th a a day on a weekend building Lego models dressed as Spider-Man or counting different grass types in a field or drawing ad a Viking not washing for a week. You get what I mean, those people will have less of a pool to chose from but they’ll have a loving relationship finding their niche than stopping doing what they love.

Try and find some groups or inking stuff talking about similar things or local classes and go from there. Don’t change you 🙂 Never change who you are to get a man/woman/partner/giraffe etc

To those saying I'm ignoring comments that I should be more flexible: I'm not ignoring per se, but my post isn't about me being unsure whether to be more flexible. I've been quite clear that I am happy with my lifestyle and don't intend on changing.

That's fine OP but it means that, yes, your inflexibility will be stopping you from forming long term relationships.

It's not about your lifestyle per se, it's that someone who is so uncompromising is very hard work to live with. You will be similarly fixed-mindset in lots of ways that put up barriers to intimacy.

You need a partner who is very flexible and willing to adapt to you (or to become less rigid).

Sounds good to me..you carry on. I'll date you anytime 😊

It's not your lifestyle that's extreme, it's your attitude.

Maybe not necessarily those habits but more that those habits are indicative of a very controlled, possibly not very fun, person. Sorry if that's unfair.

I have the exact same eating habits (like, scarily the same) and have never had any issue with dating or relationships.

This would be very off-putting - nothing is more tiresome as someone banging on about what they are eating/not eating.

A friend was concerned about this when going on holiday with another food fussy person- friend said ''their food issue completely dominates all activities about what they can/can't eat'.

No one minds what someone eats- just don't make a huge issue over it.

I think it doesn't really matter what any of us think, your friend that brought this up, is he/she generally caring and respectful of your lifestyle? Do they want you to be happy? In which case maybe you should listen to them. It's all very well living your life devoted to health but what does it all mean in the end. We all want partners that are attractive, funny kind and sexy but above all interesting. My mother is very ridged in her eating and drinking habits, very very similar to yours. it's deeply boring and she is ridiculously beautiful but alone for the past 25 years. She doesn't care apparently love and sex mean nothing to her. Maybe you're the same, if so, keep on keeping on

What happens with your diet if you go on holiday abroad ?
Or do you not travel ?

It’s not that, it’s that you’re judgmental about it and your friend was trying to tell you that, gently.

The fact you mention being ‘slim’ as a reason why men should want you is a red flag and suggests you think that larger people are less worthy of love than you, a slim, healthy person.

Eating healthily and leading a healthy lifestyle isn’t why you’re single, but if you’re judgemental, rigid and a bit joyless along with it, that will be why.

I follow your lifestyle (other than the apple cider vinegar and probably eat a bit more meat/dairy) but I also go out for fancy dinners with my DH where I throw caution to the wind and treat us to a McD’s every so often. I think if I refused to go out for dinner or have lazy junk food treats, my DH wouldn’t be very happy. Whether it would be enough to have put him off during our early days, I don’t know. But we certainly spent a lot of time eating nice food at nice restaurants. It’s all about balance.

I have a friend who has a fairly strict way of eating. I think she would probably say that she doesn't mention it unless asked or it comes up naturally whereas the reality is it pretty much comes up all the time as it's not unusual to eat when with friends. It feels like a version of disordered eating and it's not comfortable to be around.

If I just answer the question in op, I'd say it is a factor. The general public enjoys going out to dinner, having takeaway, brunch on Sundays. And dating someone you can't share a "dinner and a movie" will be a bit more difficult. Having avocado toast and a mimosa at brunch across from the person who has a black coffee is not the same.

In everyday life having a shot of vinegar before food and mostly cooking at home is not a problem. And partner can have dinner on Saturdays with friends but it will come across not-great at the getting to know you phase.

Op needs to look for a partner in heath, almond and granola circles and there will he more likeminded people

I honestly don't think men care what you eat or don't eat.

My partner of 10 years is a big foodie, but very health conscious. Works out daily and looks after himself.

I eat very little, like the size of my palm on a side plate. I eat less than our 9 year old, but don't make a big deal of it.
It works for me. I am little at 5ft and feel this portion is right for me.
He doesn't care. When we go out u order starters for my main.

I don't think it's your eating habits that are the problem, unless you ram it down their throats and expect them to do the same