To think this might be contributing to my difficulty finding a partner

[healthgal]

I'm 35 and in a professional job, own a home, reasonably attractive, slim, and a friendly sort of person.

But despite looking and dating for 15 years, I've never found a relationship which has lasted more than a few months.

I was discussing with a friend last night and she suggested that one aspect of my lifestyle could be quite off-putting to potential men, and I'm wondering if this could be part of the reason.

I deeply believe in and follow certain lifestyle measures which I believe (and evidence shows) is beneficial to my health. Such habits include;

• fasting such that I only eat lunch and dinner
• avoiding all ultra processed food, which means cooking my own largely plant based food (although am not vegan)
• drinking apple cider vinegar before each meal
• only drinking water and black coffee really

I have no intention of changing these habits as evidence shows them to be hugely beneficial to health. For special occasions like weddings etc I will be flexible, but I'm never going to be someone who goes for a KFC etc.

I obviously couldn't dictate that a future partner followed the same ethos as me, but subconsciously probably wouldn't pursue someone who wasn't at least semi health focused.

But it's got me thinking, is my lifestyle extremist? And is it putting potential suitors off?

The fact a friend has mentioned it as a possible reason implies others who know you might see this as being intrusive and detrimental to your relationships.

It's not about healthy eating per se. It's about your relationship to that.

It's perfectly possible to eg eat healthily, have allergies, be vegan - and it not negatively impact others or your dating pool. But it's also possible to make your eating choices your personality; to be intolerant and inflexible; and for certain choices to appear (and be) disordered eating.

We have friends who are vegan. When they first became vegan (and I mean a few years in) they were very performative. No meal could be had without performance vegan-ing. Every snack was accompanied by a lecture or a video or an article share. They settled down to living life as vegans and not trying to proselytize. We have other friends who became vegan and it was never a big discussion.

But you could eat before 1pm...

In most parts of the world eating out is a big part of socialising - even Wetherspoon has a more healthy selection - but by refusing to even entertain bending your own self-imposed rule of not eating (and no, I'm not suggesting it compares to asking a vegan to eat meat) before 1pm you are limiting your social opportunities. Which will include being asked out for a leisurely brekkie once in a while.

Loving the idea of an ACV hip flask 😂.

I'm also someone who believes in healthy eating and eliminating UPFs as much as possible (I aim for 80/20 currently). I'm not sure if I'd find your zero tolerance approach a little stifling at times in a life partner, even if you were fine with whatever i did, if I'm totally honest. So it may be having an impact. People always talk about wanting that "partner in crime". I'm not keen on the term and it's lovely to be with someone who brings the best out in you but I'm not sure I'd want to always be the one who is the "the bad influence". That's not to say you should adjust your life, you might just have to look harder for the right person.

I'd also say that if you friend suggested it and knows you well, there may be some truth in it.

However, I think is that the dating pool is a bit like a bell curve where most people fall somewhere in the large part then more niche type people (for whatever reason) are at each end. It just takes longer and maybe you need to look in different places. Running clubs, rock climbing, yoga, gym etc are all places where men who appreciate a more health-conscious GF might hang out? My (amazing, beautiful but potentially a little niche) best friend has just got married for the first time at 43, met at 41.

This

I exercise and eat a healty diet. It's a conscious decision for me though not to verge into obsession, because it can very quickly morph into disorder.
I had a friend who was obsessive about diet and exercise (she was almost certainly in the foothills of eating disorder territory), and she was prone to being superior and haughty about her choices (she could be rather judgemental - tbh I don't think I've met anyone with a very strict food/exercise regime who WASN'T judgemental...). I found it all very boring, and tbh it IS a large part of the reason I avoid her now.

This is indeed all true, and I wish more people took it on board and started to cut down on UPF, sugar and refined carbs.

However, if it gets to a point where a woman who is hoping for a steady relationship refuses to leave the house and accompany her boyfriend to a cafe at 10 or 11 on a Saturday/Sunday morning because she cannot envisage 'breaking her fast' a couple of hours early...

That's just bonkers!

To be honest , the rigidity of those puts me off massively . But I doubt it’s the main reason ? Why sinusite relationships ended, if Itabira to ask .

For me this would be a massive no go. I’m a big foodie, love to cook, love meat and fish and all things non vegan. I’d find it incredibly boring if I couldn’t cook for someone, couldn’t go out for a meal, couldn’t have a beer or glass of wine. Never.

It might also be worth considering that there will be many people whose experiences of rigid eating regimes are from family members with disordered eating. Spotting signs of that early in a relationship may be triggering.

Does the apple cider vinegar smell? From your list that’s the only thing that would put me off a person. Not to be crude but it may be affecting your smell and taste.

I wouldn't want to be with someone who go refused to be at all spontaneous. They might live a long time and be thin, but being so rigid as to refuse to ever eat before 1pm would get boring quite quickly.

It sounds from this language like you are very inflexible and a little humourless.

As many others have said, it's not your 'lifestyle', it's this.

For most new couples, eating out together is a thing they do - also known as, 'going on a date'. If you're always at home fermenting nuts and fruit and what-not, then you can't do that and you are narrowing the pool of available suitors. There will be other people out there for you, but just not that many of them.

I have a similar lifestyle to you OP with a few more additions. When I met my DP (been together 9 years and have DC), he was a bit more "mainstream" with his food choices, but interested in healthy eating/lifestyle.

Over the years, he's come to my side a bit more because he sees the health/energy benefits (we're mid/late 40s).

When we started dating, I always met him halfway (I won't eat at McDonald's or other fast food places, but I will eat a grassfed burger/quality pizza) and I never pushed my choices on him. I also never talk about/explain my lifestyle choices, unless people ask (most people don't).

You don't sound "borderline obsessive," that just shows how far removed people are from understanding how food choices affect us over time and how much agency we have over our health. You sound like you know what's good for your body. None of that is boring, but I do think flexibility is important. Never eat breakfast? So meet someone for brunch, enjoy it, and don't give it a second thought.

I do all those things but I've been married 25 years .. I also have an active social life and am popular so as long as you aren't a diet bore then it won't be that

Why sinusite relationships ended, if Itabira to ask

Please come back.

Whenever I see anyone (man or woman) with a body that could be on the front cover of a fitness magazine; it actually puts me completely off dating them. I know they wouldn't enjoy the things I enjoy. I might look twice, and they might think it's because I find them attractive, but actually I'm thinking - poor fucker never enjoys fish and chips with champagne.

Research into inflammation kickstarted by covid has shown how critical inflammation is to our bodies' health, and how the microbiome regualtes that. It really is a 'second brain'

Research into inflammation and the microbiome was well underway many years before the Covid pandemic.

I think the fact that you hadn't considered that your lifestyle might be a factor is possibly indicative of aspects that might be more difficult for a partner to accommodate than the lifestyle itself.

Sharing and enjoying food together is such an important part of all relationships, family, friends, partners. Happy relationships are also important to our long term well being. I don't think you should start eating McDonalds and Angel Delight, but maybe reflect on how your choices affect socialising.

The friend who told you this: do you and she share eating choices? Does she accommodate your choice of venue where you can eat / drink? Do you think about other people adjusting their choices to facilitate you?

Anyway - maybe look for groups of people where socialisation is not around food, pubs, etc. I don't know - observant Bhuddists? Vegan hikers?

Well, I have steamed fish, with salad.

Champagne is low carb 😁

No. I've used it for years and have asked DH the same question many times. My mum used to take it regularly for health reasons back in the 1970s/1980s too and I definitely never smelt it.

This is quite inflexible from the perspective of the partner, even though you are nor soooing him from going out but the shared fun experience aspect is missing due to your rigid rules about health and eating.

I would say a vegan is far more easier to deal as long as they are not asking partner to be vegan.

On a side note, Apple cider vingeger before every meal can also cause teeth sensitivity.

OP I am sure that this is not the problem, and please - roll your eyes, nothing stands out here as being totally out of the ordinary, or difficult, however...
I moved from coffee with milk to black coffee and a very dear friend told me that I had bad breath... it was the black coffee! Something about sulfuric compounds of the coffee growing on a dehydrated tongue.

I'm sure they are not queuing to date you either so why would they care what you think?🙃

Regardless of the reasons you have for doing these things, you are very uncompromising and rigid about them and when you explain your reasoning, you come across as quite preachy and judgemental. When you suggest that you don't have psychological issues around food, but then insist that everyone who eats normally is addicted to processed food but just doesn't know it, you sound like a mad conspiracy theorist.

So yeah, I'd find that very off-putting. Food is a big part of life - we bond and socialise over food, and most people just want to enjoy it and be able to eat out, cook a meal etc with their partner without having that made more difficult by rigid food rules. I absolutely could not date someone who ate like you, any more than I could date someone who only ate Dairylea sandwiches and McDonald's.

Maybe that is a symptom of rigidity in general? Why do you split with partners? Is there a theme or pattern?

@skinnycrumpet
This thread is about why people don't find folk heavily in to health, attractive.
But, fwiw, they are queuing 😜