To think this might be contributing to my difficulty finding a partner

[healthgal]

I'm 35 and in a professional job, own a home, reasonably attractive, slim, and a friendly sort of person.

But despite looking and dating for 15 years, I've never found a relationship which has lasted more than a few months.

I was discussing with a friend last night and she suggested that one aspect of my lifestyle could be quite off-putting to potential men, and I'm wondering if this could be part of the reason.

I deeply believe in and follow certain lifestyle measures which I believe (and evidence shows) is beneficial to my health. Such habits include;

• fasting such that I only eat lunch and dinner
• avoiding all ultra processed food, which means cooking my own largely plant based food (although am not vegan)
• drinking apple cider vinegar before each meal
• only drinking water and black coffee really

I have no intention of changing these habits as evidence shows them to be hugely beneficial to health. For special occasions like weddings etc I will be flexible, but I'm never going to be someone who goes for a KFC etc.

I obviously couldn't dictate that a future partner followed the same ethos as me, but subconsciously probably wouldn't pursue someone who wasn't at least semi health focused.

But it's got me thinking, is my lifestyle extremist? And is it putting potential suitors off?

Yes its to lack of any flexibility to break the rules occasionally. It feels rather obsessive, i would wonder if it extends to other parts of OP's life

Not really relevant but I’ve always wondered why apple cider vinegar? And not any other vinegar? 🤔

I’ve always wondered why it’s called apple cider vinegar and not just cider vinegar.

I would find it off-putting, particularly if you're sanctimonious and inflexible about your healthy lifestyle, coupled with unsubtle sneering at people who enjoy the occasional fry up or takeaway.

I eat at a similar time to you. I’ve been away with my husband and children, and had a hot water or peppermint tea only while sat with them at breakfast.

I’ve gone for coffee with friends where they or I, have had only a hot water or tea abc it’s been fine.

It’s the company that matters

Clearly your lifestyle is on a par with a 'belief system'. If it was something I wasnt on board with I'd have to find everything else about you extremely attractive.

Just to speak up for the OP - the emerging science is absolutely with her on UPFs having a massive impact on gut health and thus on inflammation and thus on pretty much every chronic, life-spoiling illness including depression and anxiety and other mental illnesses.

It's really not a belief system or a cult. Research into inflammation kickstarted by covid has shown how critical inflammation is to our bodies' health, and how the microbiome regualtes that. It really is a 'second brain'. In 10 years time the NHS will catch up and we'll look back at the last forty years of industrialised food as a catastrophic act of self-harm - or rather, a global act of harm perpetrated by the industrialised food corporations.

Thank you

It might not reflect how you are in real life, maybe it's just a defense at some of the posts, but you've come across on this thread as superior, judgemental and obsessive about it. So that is going to limit your dating pool; cancelling out both people who don't want to live like that and want to have company to do the things they enjoy, and people who don't find those traits appealing. But, like others have said, if you find someone equally as obsessive, then it's happy days and you can happily together slag off anyone you see eating a pie.

I do think it might be a factor. My impression is that men are drawn towards women who are capable of 'letting go' in other ways and they might see a cautious and disciplined approach in one department as being indicative of more general inhibitions - probably unfairly.

There will be men who are equally vigilant about healthy eating etc but I think women of a similar disposition would be easier to find than men. They are out there though, I'm sure.

My husband loves watching football, I hate sport but we happily work within this, he eats healthier than me bit we still eat put just order our own things

He eats less meat than me but I leave him to that and he leaves me to eat meat more

We don't dictate to each other in other words, you can do all that and mix in without other people

If you can't do that then I think something is wrong

I don't think anyone was questioning that.
Just that if she wants a relationship, sticking to her principles 90% of the time but being prepared to eat the odd breakfast might work better for her.

But she doesn't want to hear that.........

I’m surprised that so many responses seem to be asking the OP to ‘lighten up’ and ‘be flexible’ and ‘I could never not eat…’. People don’t seem to be able to accept that the OP’s happiness/enjoyment of life does not come from eating pizza, or eating ‘those lovely leisurely breakfasts’: perhaps like me, the OP’s favourite dishes just happen to be healthy? Some of my favourite dishes, things I’ll return to for comfort and for just eating something really nice, are: kale salad with oranges and pomegranate seeds and roasted seeds; mung bean curry; spicy cucumber salad. Many people would find that really boring, but when I eat these things, I don’t deprive myself of anything else. I genuinely love it and I’m not thinking ‘I’d rather have pizza’. Yes, I eat pizza occasionally, but more often than not, I’d prefer something else :-)

I also find it odd that so many people seem to assume that this is how the OP talks about her choices in daily life. Since this post is about her eating habits, obviously she needs to talk about them. That does not mean that she talks about them a lot.

I second many others’ comments that you need to look for people in the right circles – my social life got so much better when I found ‘my tribe’ – and there have been many good suggestions on how to find them. And that’s where I found my partner too (I’m vegan, and would never compromise on that, so it made life easier to partner up with another vegan!). Do include your food preference in any dating profile and find people who don’t want to go for a coffee/meal on a first date, but doing an activity or going for a long walk, for example (coastal walks around you probably, you said you live by the sea).

(As a very long term vegan, long before it became almost mainstream, it’s really nice to see so many people stating that veganism would not be an issue. Oh the comments I’ve had about
‘being extreme’, ‘needing to be a bit flexible’, definitely no respecting that choice then, but it’s been almost a decade now, or so! And yes, I was also considered ‘boring’, but actually, I’m great fun!)

Good luck @healthgal :-) You sound like a person I could have a lot of fun with too (and no we wouldn't talk about food!)

You do sound borderline obsessive over your diet -- that would put me off as I'd see it as more of a disorder than a lifestyle choice.

Does the vinegar thing mean I should down a packet of salt and vinegar crisps before evey meal now? 😂😂

You sound like DP he's very fastidious about his diet.
In fact, he'll regularly fast for 24 hours. Although he does relax for meals out, rarely drinks though.
Maybe there's something else.

Ultimately I think your lifestyle would put off a lot of people because food is inherently social.

It’s not necessarily about eating the same things (ie vegan/veggie/halal etc) but can we make dinner, have a night in or out, go for lunch with parents/friends, have Christmas, Hanukkah etc. without loads of adjustments. I think possibly with your lifestyle that could always present problems and that would be off putting in the long term.

Is there a community of people out there that follow the same lifestyle you do? If so maybe looking in that space for dating opportunities could be useful?

But eating out doesn't have to mean eating UPFs.

I mean this with no offence, is there a chance that your diet is making you or your breath smell odd?

I have no knowledge of whether the things you eat or drink might cause that, and I'm being genuine with my question.

Otherwise, from what you've said, it seems likely that things might end with people because you may seem incompatible to them. So many people love a trip to a cafe for breakfast at the weekend. Knowing I could never have that with my partner would put me off. I would at least want partner to come with me, even if they just had a coffee. I wouldn't care what they were eating but the fact that you wouldn't even go seems odd to me.

I also like to go the restaurants a couple of times a month, I like to enjoy a takeaway once or twice a month. When I go on holiday I want to try lots of different food and eat pastry for breakfast and ice cream in the afternoon. I don't need my partner to like eating or drinking all same things as me but it wouldn't be my dream relationship watching someone drink vinegar while I had a pizza and an aperol spritz.

I am sure there are lots of people who are happy to be with someone with your lifestyle but you do seem quite rigid with it and that may lead potential partners to assume you are rigid in all aspects of life which is not something most people are looking for.

Good luck for the future. I hope you find someone perfect for you.

I eat brunch and dinner. Also eat largely plant based food. I can't see that it would interfere with dates or bother someone unduly unless you really don't ever eat out or eat takeaway. DH is not a big breakfast or meat eater either but we both love our food and eating out together.

The only person I know of who can’t keep a relationship going for more than 5 minutes, is an attractive, highly educated professional.
Unfortunately she simply never stops talking, and evidently is deaf to any tactful hints. That is probably because she just doesn’t listen - simply waits for the other person to shut up so she can start talking again.

I hope this doesn’t also apply to the OP!

Only if you talk about it constantly.

First poster nailed it.
Nothing sounds too extreme, I miss breakfast more often than not, and I'm OK with veggie diet friends.

However, the constant harping on about my diet, cooking, fasting etc, and the feeling of being judged for eating anything UPF (we all know the benefits of fresh food but I still like a KFC) would be really off putting.

But why not ordinary vinegar?

I’m not being a smart arse btw! I’m just interested. I couldn’t possibly accuse you of being orthorexic on the basis of your OP. I think avoiding UPF is entirely sensible, and my kitchen has 5 varieties of nuts on any given day 😁 and there is usually kimchi in my fridge.

Both dp and I have this belief too.
UPF are THE cause of our obesity epidemic not the plethora of junk science or pop psychology excusing the appalling aftereffects of the food industry.

I'm a nurse working in MH and I couldn't read further than this. If this really is your attitude, I think it's you with a psychological "issue" so to speak. Your given "evidence" is questionable at best (and I have written assignments on traditional and alternative medicine including advocating for the use of those with sufficient evidence, so I'm certainly not inherently opposed or unduly sceptical). Your habits aren't necessarily an issue, but your mindset certainly is.

I think so much of the early stages of dating revolve around food and eating out that it probably does put men off. When I think back to the first year of me and my DH getting together, everything revolves around food. The first time we had a cosy night in we’d order a curry, the first big boozy night out we walked home with a burger and went for breakfast the next day, the first big roast dinner at each others parents house or sharing popcorn at the cinema, grabbing a coffee and cake when out shopping etc etc. I appreciate we sound like Wayne and Waynetta slob but we’re both slim, attractive, professional people, albeit ones that like to stuff their faces (in moderation).

It sounds like you could be a bit rigid on these issues; or maybe even you are unconsciously judgemental towards others who don't share your values entirely. If there's no room for a little fun (evening out with alcohol, dinner out etc) once in a while then it does mean a very limiting factor on dating etc.

What do you think is the problem personally?