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Original poster

To think this might be contributing to my difficulty finding a partner

650 replies

healthgal · 20/09/2023 07:59

I'm 35 and in a professional job, own a home, reasonably attractive, slim, and a friendly sort of person.

But despite looking and dating for 15 years, I've never found a relationship which has lasted more than a few months.

I was discussing with a friend last night and she suggested that one aspect of my lifestyle could be quite off-putting to potential men, and I'm wondering if this could be part of the reason.

I deeply believe in and follow certain lifestyle measures which I believe (and evidence shows) is beneficial to my health. Such habits include;

  • fasting such that I only eat lunch and dinner
  • avoiding all ultra processed food, which means cooking my own largely plant based food (although am not vegan)
  • drinking apple cider vinegar before each meal
  • only drinking water and black coffee really

I have no intention of changing these habits as evidence shows them to be hugely beneficial to health. For special occasions like weddings etc I will be flexible, but I'm never going to be someone who goes for a KFC etc.

I obviously couldn't dictate that a future partner followed the same ethos as me, but subconsciously probably wouldn't pursue someone who wasn't at least semi health focused.

But it's got me thinking, is my lifestyle extremist? And is it putting potential suitors off?

OP posts:
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5
Johnnylewis · 20/09/2023 11:24

You do come across as a bit superior in your replies OP. I wonder whether that's a factor IRL rather than anything to do with your diet

TorroFerney · 20/09/2023 11:25

Usernamen · 20/09/2023 08:46

What a bizarre hypothesis, OP!

You’re not extremist at all. I don’t eat sugar, gluten and dairy and I managed to find a boyfriend (who loves cheese).

Just don’t make it a thing, which it doesn’t sound like you’re doing. Good luck!

The fact that she calls not eating breakfast fasting suggests it’s very much a thing.

WinterDeWinter · 20/09/2023 11:25

OP I eat as you do apart from the ACV and I've got to admit it's a massive PITA in social terms. I recently went on holiday and basically had to put it all aside for a week or there would barely have been any point in being there, and the whole holiday would have revolved around my food choices - for everyone else as well as for me.

I eat mainly at home (am older than you, have kids) but if I were your age and socialising/looking for a relationship I do think it's likely that I would be the Debbie Downer in every social situation which involved eating or drinking out - which is pretty much every social situation, isn't it?

So I can imagine that a partner might well think that being with you was going to limit his enjoyment of life, and bail before they got in too far. Even if you are not wanging on about it, they will have had experience of others with a restrictive lifestyle and be able to imagine the impact of yours over time.

I think that if you really do want a relationship - which should not be a given by any means - you need to actively demonstrate that you can be flexible. For eg, I would have gone to the caff and had chips, even though they will have been fried in rapeseed oil, because I don't think that once a week will make more than the tiniest difference to my overall health and life is too short - even with the extra years you are buying with your diet Wink

andrainwillmaketheflowersgrow · 20/09/2023 11:26

It's a bit like if a vegan posted with the same question, having a stated that they are happy with the lifestyle and have no intent to change, and people replying 'can you be more flexible and just eat meat sometimes'. The answer is obviously going to be no.

It's absolutely nothing like that.

What is the problem with eating before 1pm occasionally? Why can't you move your fasting window to accommodate other people occasionally - or does it have to be your way or the highway?

RedPony1 · 20/09/2023 11:27

Anoushkaka · 20/09/2023 11:14

The first few months of a new relationship is usually based around food and drinks. Trips to the cinema, a weekend fry up, takeaway on a friday night, meals out. People bond over food.

I would feel controlled by your eating habits.

This. Like i said in my previous post, it's life limiting essentially!

WinterDeWinter · 20/09/2023 11:28

Also, because freshly cooked chips are one of the joys of life.

whereaw · 20/09/2023 11:29

To be fair you did also ask if your lifestyle was extremist, which many would argue it is.

Personally, I have become more relaxed around food and listening to my body (rather than following rigid rules) and I feel much better for it.

I also have children now and food and fun and celebrating together is a wonderful thing, in moderation.

smooththecat · 20/09/2023 11:29

Do you whip out the ACV in a restaurant? Seriously though, you need to stop drinking vinegar, it’s terrible for your teeth.

asleep · 20/09/2023 11:30

I eat similar to you but am more flexible and don't think other people have psychological issues.

But also, what is your breath like with the acv and the black coffee? Could be a factor.

Tbry · 20/09/2023 11:31

healthgal · 20/09/2023 09:54

To those saying I'm ignoring comments that I should be more flexible:

I'm not ignoring per se, but my post isn't about me being unsure whether to be more flexible. I've been quite clear that I am happy with my lifestyle and don't intend on changing. My post is about whether this is likely hindering my potential relationships, and the response has been a mixed bag tbf!

It's a bit like if a vegan posted with the same question, having a stated that they are happy with the lifestyle and have no intent to change, and people replying 'can you be more flexible and just eat meat sometimes'. The answer is obviously going to be no.

Saw this part and yes definitely it will impact a relationship. I’ve been vegetarian my whole adult life and yes it becomes a ‘thing’ in relationships. The only time it stopped being a ‘thing’ was when I met my DP who is also vegetarian.

WanderinStar · 20/09/2023 11:32

Op, you're a perfect example of a functioning orthorexic. I've no doubt you will reject the label but I hope you have a look at the straitjacket life that orthorexia offers. Just like functioning alcoholism, functioning anorexia etc, you are impossible to get to know on a deep level as the main priority in your life is never your relationships or your friendships, but instead your relationship with food and health. People like you are often very lonely but unwilling to address why. I'd love if you attended long term counselling and established a warm relationship with a therapist so you could move beyond this rigid life into a more joyful and connected existence

Original poster
healthgal · 20/09/2023 11:33

Final comment as several seem curious... would use balsamic vinegar in restaurant where possible, if none then I go without... no there is not an ACV hip-flask 😂

OP posts:
MoaningMolly · 20/09/2023 11:34

Why wouldn't you go with him? You can go to a cafe and have a coffee?

MoaningMolly · 20/09/2023 11:36

healthgal · 20/09/2023 08:56

With the cafe breakfast example though; is me going and sitting with a black coffee while he has a full English actually going to fulfil what he had in mind? I sort of doubt it. But I obviously can't be sure on that so will consider that more carefully going forward.

I would say this is a great compromise

Goodornot · 20/09/2023 11:38

Wanderingllama · 20/09/2023 10:58

Tbf it may be the sardines in common space rather than the healthy eating itself🙈

Show quote history

Utterly. That would stink the place out. It's really not on to eat that at work.

truthhurts23 · 20/09/2023 11:40

What you’re doing is healthy, why would anyone have a problem with you looking after yourself?? what has the Apple cider vinegar done for you?, ive always wanted to try but hate the smell

Superlegs · 20/09/2023 11:41

Sorry op, but I feel tense just reading your posts.
I can only imagine your attitude to food also leaks into other areas of your life too.
I would look into the need to control with a therapist, not necessarily with the aim of meeting a man, but just to get more from life.

JudgeRudy · 20/09/2023 11:41

Clearly your lifestyle is on a par with a 'belief system'. If it was something I wasnt on board with I'd have to find everything else about you extremely attractive. If I didn't already know you, it's unlikely I'd ever get to sample those true positive traits as the lifestyle would get in the way.
As a potential partner I'd be considering how this is going to affect me on a day to day basis. Would I have to buy in special food for you, would we need to endless trawl for suitable places to eat out, would they be more expensive, could we join friends and family for dining, would you need to ensure you always carried your cider vinegar around?
If I could get past that, I'd then be considering family. How would we raise a child together?

I'd look at your lifestyle in a similar way to how I'd consider dating someone religious, or with a significant disability, a few kids in toe, being insolvent/with debt, got 5 dogs etc....not insurmountable but it would need more than a pretty face and some interesting conversation to make me want to consider taking things further.
Would you for example date a fat smoker with diabetes?

LAMPS1 · 20/09/2023 11:41

OP when you say you place most of the blame on food policies etc…. What do you mean by ‘blame’. ‘Blame’ for what exactly ? Do you mean blame for your relationships failing after a certain point ?

You sound as if you could be a little dogmatic, unbending and inflexible in your journey to optimum health with your fixed ideas. Maybe that comes over as a bit know it all. Could that be true if you really think about it ?
I mean if you really like the bloke and he wants to go to the cafe before you want to eat, can’t you bend a bit and go with him to sit with him and chat …and order a coffee and extra toast for him or something. Depends how much you want to be with him I suppose.

So I would say that yes, your friend could possibly be right with her suggestion and it’s worth you thinking about it a bit more.

I know you don’t want to hear this, but taking ACV damaged my bladder. If we were to be having a friendly face to face conversation about that over a coffee, I have a feeling you might just want to shut me down and not be interested because only your story is relevant to you. Sorry if that’s unfair.

LittleObe · 20/09/2023 11:42

I don't see most of that being an issue. Some men would hate the plant based bit but they just wouldn't be for you.

Do you go on about it? Are you ultra focused on it and a bit preachy?

If not I don't see the issue.

You haven't mentioned much about your personality - just your looks, diet, job and weight. You're not a prized cow waiting to be bought you knows

Hibiscrubbed · 20/09/2023 11:45

I dated a guy a few years back who was largely health focused but on a Saturday always wanted to go and get a fried breakfast at a cafe, and I think it was a real problem for him that I didn't want to go with him

Did you refuse to go on principle? If you’d gone and just had ACV and some avocado on rye, that probably wouldn’t have been the issue. If you’d refused because you fundamentally disagree with him wanting to eat a fry up and said so, then yes, it may have been off-putting.

Itwasntmeguv · 20/09/2023 11:47

Oh dear, I've just read this thread while chowing down on an iced doughnut for breakfast/brunch (in my defence, it's a one-off, it was a little thank-you gift from a child who I helped with something yesterday).

I was really enjoying my guilty sin until I read this. Now I feel like a cholesterol-laden fat oink.

SchoolSENFrus · 20/09/2023 11:47

Would you have been able to have black coffee at that time?

I don’t think what you’ve written down are extreme, at all

TheLightProgramme · 20/09/2023 11:48

Honestly?

I think most men enjoy food, including a few unhealthy treats, and would find the less common parts of your diet (fermenting fruits etc...) off putting, and restrictive lifestyle wise if you are going to routinely refuse:

  • brunch with friends
  • an occasional takeaway
  • more varied meals out
  • the sorts of food that accompany events like festivals or parties

Most people are simply not as rigid about diet/eating habits and it can feel boring being bound by a lot of rules. It doesn't sound very fun.

I think a lot of men will genuinely choose a size 14 woman who'll come along and enjoy a nice brunch with friends, than a physically perfect size 8 who comes with a lot of strict rules about diet. As a parent I'd also have worried about how you'd handle kids - what might be ok for an adult dietwise isnt necessarily the messaging you want to give children, id be worried you'd be so rigid you'd be at risk of not eating enough in pregnancy or refusing to join the family to eat even a healthy breakfast.

HoppingPavlova · 20/09/2023 11:49

Yep, I would think that’s it.

We get takeaway roughly once a week or fortnight when work is crazy and no one can be arsed cooking. If I had someone cats bumming it, or pointing me towards studies, that would be it for me. Also, I like someone I can sit and have a few drinks with once a month/6 weeks without extolling the benefits of staying at one. Work hard, play hard as it were. Also, couldn’t do someone who didn’t want to eat out a few times a month.

The problem is not you per se, it’s just that you need to actively seek a carbon copy of yourself, which is going to be pretty hard.

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