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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

MIL, passive aggressive behaviour and her wedding

281 replies

Auntiegaston · 19/09/2023 20:41

MIL has been with her partner for 20 years and they’ve decided to get married. She rang my DH and it turns out the date they’ve booked is my birthday (a milestone birthday) which falls on a weekday. Apparently she remembered it was my birthday and there were a few other dates but this was the cheapest. She told my DH after it was booked.

She’s invited my DH (who she wants to give her away) but it’s not clear whether the kids or me are invited. It’s not easy for me to get time off work as I work in a term time only role so I don’t get holiday. We also have kids with Sen and aside from my mum we wouldn’t have anyone to be there when they got home (they attend a specialist provision). MIL hasn’t asked if anyone will be home to see the kids in and the meal after is booked for lunchtime and the venue is an hour and a half away. So I assume she doesn’t want me to go.

DH has a sibling but they have no children and a flexible job. MIL’s partner’s sibling we’ve never been invited to meet only has his kids every other weekend so it’s not an issue.

We’ve had issues in the past as she’s been quite passive aggressive towards me (would ignore me and only talk to my DH, would offer only him food and drink when we went to see her etc). We did get married without her but we married with two friends as witnesses as the kids would’ve found even a small wedding too much so they stayed with my mum and we didn’t think it fair to invite one parent when the other couldn’t come.

In short, are we right to be a bit cross and hurt? They’re not short of money and a weekend would’ve only cost an extra £100.

OP posts:
BIossomtoes · 21/09/2023 09:26

Nobody books their wedding “out of spite”.

Italianita · 21/09/2023 09:41

This reply has been deleted

This has been deleted by MNHQ for breaking our Talk Guidelines.

MichelleScarn · 21/09/2023 09:54

BIossomtoes · 21/09/2023 09:26

Nobody books their wedding “out of spite”.

Exactly. The level of self importance to think that someone would plan their wedding purely to upset you is bananas.
Although if this is the case, there's no future in that relationship.

Yogirl1 · 21/09/2023 14:14

Aquamarine1029 · 19/09/2023 20:45

Cross about what? You don't really care for her so I don't see what the problem is. Her getting married on your birthday is irrelevant.

It’s very relevant. Every anniversary will be on her birthday. She sounds a right cow. If that was me I’d tell DH she can get married another day if she wants him to give her away as I can’t change my birthday. If you are at work fine let him go and give her away but insist he leaves so he is home before you are to prepare celebrations for your milestone birthday, with you and your children.

Hopefully that will mean he runs her down the aisle, says ‘thanks for taking her on pal”, to the new husband, and leaves!

Ivymom · 21/09/2023 15:12

He had talked with his family about my upcoming milestone birthday and the plans with my friends. My birthday falls on a minor holiday, like St. Patrick’s Day, so it wouldn’t have been unusual for people to be discussing celebrating the holiday. His mom called him about a week before my birthday to tell him about SIL’s event and make a big deal about him going.

Lullaby1973 · 21/09/2023 17:18

Your DH should have stopped her shit behavior the 1st time she disrespected you. I wouldn't have visited her after the 1st time. I think that both of you are at fault for letting her get away with it for so many years tbh

Original poster
Auntiegaston · 21/09/2023 19:32

@Cosyblankets, I have enough going on in my life that I’m not inclined to waste my time searching out reasons to pick at my MIL. I spent many years getting upset at being ignored, my kids being ignored and her not bothering. The wedding just threw up another slightly painful reminder that we’re not massively important to her as it would have been nice to be factored in but I’m very aware that people don’t have to consider others and that she didn’t come to our wedding. Despite all this I know she will be very hurt if my DH doesn’t go. She wants her wedding factored into my DH’s day and annual leave entitlement.

OP posts:
Original poster
Auntiegaston · 21/09/2023 19:36

We’re very grateful that she has someone else. Previously my DH has done a lot for her and frankly given how she behaves I’m quite glad. This is the woman who when she moved house the sibling that lived in the house with MIL did nothing whilst my husband at MIL’s request organised and helped the paperwork. My uncle came up and sorted her garage and my husband packed up a lot of stuff and took the day off work to move her. She had a leaving party in the house before she left and loudly told everyone no one had helped her do anything.

OP posts:
Toomuchtrouble4me · 21/09/2023 19:43

worriedatwork123 · 19/09/2023 21:29

i was kinda with you until you said she wasn't invited to your wedding- how hurtful, I'd be devastated

no wonder the relationship has soured

Nonsense, I also had only 2 witnesses (a friend each) at my wedding - we married in secret and told the family afterwards. I just couldn’t handle the fuss, my family is small - DH’s is Huge with both his parents having been married 3 times and lots of siblings and step siblings. Then just my mum and my brother. Just didn’t want the whole circus. My mum totally understood and we are very close as we always have been.
If Op’s mil’s issue us about the wedding she wasn’t invited to, then why doesn’t she have an issue with her son also? Op didn’t marry alone!

Toomuchtrouble4me · 21/09/2023 19:45

It would be war for me - get your mum to arrange a special birthday dinner for you and DH.

Original poster
Auntiegaston · 21/09/2023 19:53

I think MIL thinks I’m the one who’s dragged her son off and he has no autonomy which is hilarious. So it’s likely there’s a little bit of punishment having it on my birthday. My husband has taken one of the kids to events about half hour from where she lives but never wants to drop in 😂 I spend a lot of time with my mum without him but he’s reluctant to spend time with his. But with his mum he was always the golden child.

OP posts:
Lahdedahiam · 21/09/2023 19:55

Auntiegaston · 21/09/2023 19:53

I think MIL thinks I’m the one who’s dragged her son off and he has no autonomy which is hilarious. So it’s likely there’s a little bit of punishment having it on my birthday. My husband has taken one of the kids to events about half hour from where she lives but never wants to drop in 😂 I spend a lot of time with my mum without him but he’s reluctant to spend time with his. But with his mum he was always the golden child.

But he still doesn't stand up to her, does he?

Original poster
Auntiegaston · 21/09/2023 20:55

No, no he’s doesn’t. He likes an easy life and his reasoning that as we don’t see her very much, it’s not worth arguing when it’s likely she would cry (she’s done that before)

OP posts:
Cosyblankets · 21/09/2023 21:06

Auntiegaston · 21/09/2023 19:32

@Cosyblankets, I have enough going on in my life that I’m not inclined to waste my time searching out reasons to pick at my MIL. I spent many years getting upset at being ignored, my kids being ignored and her not bothering. The wedding just threw up another slightly painful reminder that we’re not massively important to her as it would have been nice to be factored in but I’m very aware that people don’t have to consider others and that she didn’t come to our wedding. Despite all this I know she will be very hurt if my DH doesn’t go. She wants her wedding factored into my DH’s day and annual leave entitlement.

Has anyone clarified the invitation yet?

Original poster
Auntiegaston · 21/09/2023 21:14

I’ve left it firmly with my husband to sort. She messaged my DH the other day saying she didn’t think he was happy about the wedding which is interesting as nothing was even said when she visited.

OP posts:
Mari9999 · 21/09/2023 22:38

@Auntiegaston
My guess would be that she interpreted the lack of mentioning of her wedding as a lack of interest in her wedding. I think not inviting his mother to your wedding was quite punitive. Your mother did not come not because she was not invited. She chose not to come in order to assist you. His mother in turn did not come because she was not invited. You may not see the difference , but I would imagine that his mother sees the difference and still feels hurt about it.

It should be a no brainer that he walks his mother down the aisle. .With luck , this will be his mother's last wedding. You ,with luck, will have many more birthdays.

I seriously doubt that someone would be inclined to schedule something as costly as wedding solely for the purpose of upsetting you.

You may be vastly over rating her interest in annoying you. She might gain some pleasure from your annoyance, but I doubt she would schedule a significantly expensive event solely to annoy you.

Mumof2teens79 · 21/09/2023 22:51

It's your birthday....but you arecworking and can't take time off

You don't know if kids are invited....but they wouldn't cope with a wedding
You don't know if you are invited....but need to behome for the kids

You are annoyed she is having a small midweek wedding....but you only invited 2 friends??

YABU

Tourmalines · 21/09/2023 23:07

She obviously picked up on his body language and mood . He didn’t need to say anything , his reaction was enough. That is also passive aggressive behaviour from him .But I stlll can’t understand he didn’t ask if you were invited. Holy cow, that’s ridiculous.

Mari9999 · 21/09/2023 23:20

@Tourmalines
Maybe both the husband and the MIL understand the invitation protocol after going through the OP's wedding. The understanding would be if you didn't receive an invitation you were not invited. There is no ambiguity; the OP set the standard.

Tourmalines · 22/09/2023 00:36

Mari9999 · 21/09/2023 23:20

@Tourmalines
Maybe both the husband and the MIL understand the invitation protocol after going through the OP's wedding. The understanding would be if you didn't receive an invitation you were not invited. There is no ambiguity; the OP set the standard.

There has to be far more to this than just a wedding invitation from many years ago though .I think these 2 woman do not like each other and have never formed a bond of any sort . Probably started from the wedding no doubt .

Floralie222 · 22/09/2023 06:25

If your MIL is okay with not inviting her daughter in law from her wedding, when her son is invited, then that's quite sad but it's her choice. If you didn't have parents at your own wedding then I don't think you can complain too much or it might look a bit hypocritical.

However all of the above means it's also absolutely fine for your husband to leave the wedding after the lunch and spend the evening with you and your children on your special birthday. You'd have been at work during the day regardless. I wouldn't make too much of a fuss about it to your husband, maybe say it's a shame it couldn't have been on a weekend but can't be helped, but you'd still like to have a family birthday celebration.

Just be the bigger person and have a big birthday celebration at the weekend and invite your MIL and her husband. It'll probably be more fun than her wedding anyway.

SaponificationQueen · 22/09/2023 07:10

What’s struck me in reading your post, it’s not just this birthday she would be ruining. Each year it’s now not only your birthday, but her anniversary. I wonder how many anniversaries she is going to try to insist your DH spend with her rather than with his wife on her birthday. This seems to me like an annual big FU to you.

AliceOlive · 22/09/2023 07:17

SaponificationQueen · 22/09/2023 07:10

What’s struck me in reading your post, it’s not just this birthday she would be ruining. Each year it’s now not only your birthday, but her anniversary. I wonder how many anniversaries she is going to try to insist your DH spend with her rather than with his wife on her birthday. This seems to me like an annual big FU to you.

I didn’t think about that.

If I got the chance I’d tell her what an honor it is that she’s chosen to get married on your birthday! She’ll probably move it.

Tourmalines · 22/09/2023 07:34

SaponificationQueen · 22/09/2023 07:10

What’s struck me in reading your post, it’s not just this birthday she would be ruining. Each year it’s now not only your birthday, but her anniversary. I wonder how many anniversaries she is going to try to insist your DH spend with her rather than with his wife on her birthday. This seems to me like an annual big FU to you.

Maybe none . I’ve been married many a year and I’ve never asked my son to celebrate with us . Not every one goes in for big wedding anniversary celebrations.

Cosyblankets · 22/09/2023 07:36

Mari9999 · 21/09/2023 23:20

@Tourmalines
Maybe both the husband and the MIL understand the invitation protocol after going through the OP's wedding. The understanding would be if you didn't receive an invitation you were not invited. There is no ambiguity; the OP set the standard.

Er........ she didn't get married by herself.
He didn't invite his mother either!