Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Only the apps you allow.

Meet the Other Phone.
Only the apps you allow.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

MIL, passive aggressive behaviour and her wedding

281 replies

Auntiegaston · 19/09/2023 20:41

MIL has been with her partner for 20 years and they’ve decided to get married. She rang my DH and it turns out the date they’ve booked is my birthday (a milestone birthday) which falls on a weekday. Apparently she remembered it was my birthday and there were a few other dates but this was the cheapest. She told my DH after it was booked.

She’s invited my DH (who she wants to give her away) but it’s not clear whether the kids or me are invited. It’s not easy for me to get time off work as I work in a term time only role so I don’t get holiday. We also have kids with Sen and aside from my mum we wouldn’t have anyone to be there when they got home (they attend a specialist provision). MIL hasn’t asked if anyone will be home to see the kids in and the meal after is booked for lunchtime and the venue is an hour and a half away. So I assume she doesn’t want me to go.

DH has a sibling but they have no children and a flexible job. MIL’s partner’s sibling we’ve never been invited to meet only has his kids every other weekend so it’s not an issue.

We’ve had issues in the past as she’s been quite passive aggressive towards me (would ignore me and only talk to my DH, would offer only him food and drink when we went to see her etc). We did get married without her but we married with two friends as witnesses as the kids would’ve found even a small wedding too much so they stayed with my mum and we didn’t think it fair to invite one parent when the other couldn’t come.

In short, are we right to be a bit cross and hurt? They’re not short of money and a weekend would’ve only cost an extra £100.

OP posts:
Member869894 · 19/09/2023 21:33

I get the distinct impression that whatever either of you do either of you will think it is wrong . You don't like each other.

UsingChangeofName · 19/09/2023 21:38

tokennamechange · 19/09/2023 21:19

so you'll be working anyway in your inflexible job, so it's not as though you'd be going out for lunch with your DH to celebrate your birthday
Doesn't sound as if you like her much and would even particularly want to go to her wedding even if you weren't working
Venue's only 90mins away so DH will be able to get home in time for when you finish work and you can celebrate then
You didn't invite her to your wedding
Your kids wouldn't be able to go to the wedding anyway (have school/unable to cope)
Am I missing something because I'm really not sure what the issue is?

If she wasn't getting married that day what would you realistically be doing that you can't once DH has come home and you've finished work?

All of this.

Purplewarrior · 19/09/2023 21:45

I’m confused. You don’t like her, and your DC would really struggle with a wedding.

So surely you should be relieved you don’t have to attend? You will be at work anyway.

Plan to do something nice with the DC that night so your MIL has no opportunity to sabotage things, and book something for you and DH before or after birthday date when your mum can have the DC.

Drop the rope OP

Original poster
Auntiegaston · 19/09/2023 22:31

Our kids were a lot younger when we got married. It didn’t seem fair to invite his mum whilst my mum looked after the kids. It was a case of nipping to the registry office and tying the knot. The kids with the exception of one would be able to attend and cope now with a wedding.

We had planned to go to lunch and yes she knew it was a milestone birthday.

To be honest my DH is crosser with her than I am as he feels his family has been excluded. I’m hurt because despite numerous attempts to have her part of our family she’s never bothered. I’ve never said I don’t like her. I’ve really tried with her. But maybe it’s a good thing. To me it felt a bit spiteful especially as I have no doubt she’ll ensure he’s late back. I would never stop him going. He of course absolutely can and I wouldn’t stop him.

OP posts:
lolcoCoobn · 19/09/2023 22:36

Auntiegaston · 19/09/2023 22:31

Our kids were a lot younger when we got married. It didn’t seem fair to invite his mum whilst my mum looked after the kids. It was a case of nipping to the registry office and tying the knot. The kids with the exception of one would be able to attend and cope now with a wedding.

We had planned to go to lunch and yes she knew it was a milestone birthday.

To be honest my DH is crosser with her than I am as he feels his family has been excluded. I’m hurt because despite numerous attempts to have her part of our family she’s never bothered. I’ve never said I don’t like her. I’ve really tried with her. But maybe it’s a good thing. To me it felt a bit spiteful especially as I have no doubt she’ll ensure he’s late back. I would never stop him going. He of course absolutely can and I wouldn’t stop him.

But is he going or not?

Original poster
Auntiegaston · 19/09/2023 22:40

I think it’s more than likely he’ll go which is great. He should go as it’s his mum. I think we both just feel hurt that once again she’s cutting out our family and it feels spiteful. She could’ve picked a weekend so we could all go. It feels like a bit of a passive aggressive f you to me again. Especially as there were other dates.

I’m probably being unreasonable but I’m getting fed up with having to have visits with someone who pulls shit like this.

OP posts:
lolcoCoobn · 19/09/2023 22:47

Auntiegaston · 19/09/2023 22:40

I think it’s more than likely he’ll go which is great. He should go as it’s his mum. I think we both just feel hurt that once again she’s cutting out our family and it feels spiteful. She could’ve picked a weekend so we could all go. It feels like a bit of a passive aggressive f you to me again. Especially as there were other dates.

I’m probably being unreasonable but I’m getting fed up with having to have visits with someone who pulls shit like this.

You're not being U but really it's on your husband to put a stop to this.
Of course we only have your side, we don't know if she'll have a different story but if DH's parents' ignored me like that we'd have been out the door and not been back.

Again, your DH's mum cannot ensure he's 'late back' if he stands up and says 'time to go' and just leaves. Quite a few PP are making a fuss about a 'celebration' but a woman with adult children marrying her partner of 20 years isn't big celebration material IMO. Nothing's changed feelings wise. They've just signed a piece of paper. It's not like they're all gushy and starting a 'new life together'. It sounds like ones of those things that a financial planner says would be a good idea.

Maddy70 · 19/09/2023 22:48

I think you're being a bit dramatic. I'm a teacher. Time off for the wedding of a close family member will always be authorised. Your children what is uour usual arrangement for pick up ? I'm.sure your parents can handle this one

Or just don't so and your husband goes.

A weekday significant birthday is a red herring. Realistically you weren't going to do anything other than go for dinner. And you would still need childcare for that

You don't even know if you are invited or not?

kweeble · 19/09/2023 22:55

You don’t have to visit her - you have a choice.

Original poster
Auntiegaston · 19/09/2023 22:57

It’s just my mum. Kids come back in a taxi.

I probably am being dramatic as I’m fed up of being treated like this though part of the problem is that my DH has never put a stop to her rubbish behaviour.

No I don’t know if I’m invited as so far she’s only mentioned my husband going and giving her away. It’s just a bit hurtful that after many years I feel like me and the kids are being excluded. Again.

I’m not bothered about my birthday, it just felt like something petty she would do especially when she could’ve picked another day that didn’t involve trying to sort time off and could’ve included the kids without taking them out of school. I’m more annoyed about that. We had planned to go out to lunch so avoiding the childcare issue.

OP posts:
Original poster
Auntiegaston · 19/09/2023 22:58

@kweeble, my DH doesn’t ever want to visit her on his own. I’ve said I’m fed up of being dragged to visit her when she’s not overly nice.

OP posts:
Tourmalines · 19/09/2023 23:01

You can be cross and hurt , yes , which is what MIL would have felt about not being invited to her sons wedding regardless if yours were not invited because they were babysitting . What goes around ,comes around .

Wibblywobblylikejelly · 19/09/2023 23:01

It's a bitch move.
I wouldn't work at calming your husband or making him feel good about going.

I'd just tell him you're officially over her. You no longer give a shit. Don't want to see her or hear a word about any of the wedding. He can go come back and it'll be as of he went to the shops.

And don't ever put yourself in her presence again. She can piss off.

Highlyflavouredgravy · 19/09/2023 23:04

How were you going for lunch when you work in a school?????
No way would you have time to go to lunch!!!

MiddleParking · 19/09/2023 23:10

It sounds like she’s waited for your 40th/50th to book her wedding in retribution. Nutter. Working or not, no husband of mine who wanted to stay that way would be going to a party of his mother’s to which my kids and I weren’t invited - at all, actually, but on my milestone birthday…laughable.

lolcoCoobn · 19/09/2023 23:15

MiddleParking · 19/09/2023 23:10

It sounds like she’s waited for your 40th/50th to book her wedding in retribution. Nutter. Working or not, no husband of mine who wanted to stay that way would be going to a party of his mother’s to which my kids and I weren’t invited - at all, actually, but on my milestone birthday…laughable.

Ye my DH would be like nope. change it.
But also... given his job a major incident/need to cover would mysteriously 'appear'... hint hint.

Theunamedcat · 19/09/2023 23:20

Yeah this is on your DH to resolve tbh he should have done something when she fed him not you and all the other things she did no she shouldn't have been pandered too over your wedding both parents or none is fair how wouod your mom have felt? Stuck looking after the children while she gets to go to the wedding that's not fair, although I can honestly say as a mother I would be upset by not going I could have got over it if the other parents weren't invited either and I wouldn't have let it affect the relationship with my DIL

Maddy70 · 19/09/2023 23:29

Highlyflavouredgravy · 19/09/2023 23:04

How were you going for lunch when you work in a school?????
No way would you have time to go to lunch!!!

This ...schools get 30-40 mins lunch. You were not going out for lunch , you were going to be in work. You won't even notice he's gone (although you absolutely can get the time off for a mil wedding

Your friends could have babysat and both mums could have been witnesses at your wedding I don't see what effort you're going to here

CurlewKate · 19/09/2023 23:38

Wedding trumps birthday in my world.

Daisymay2 · 19/09/2023 23:47

Highlyflavouredgravy · 19/09/2023 23:04

How were you going for lunch when you work in a school?????
No way would you have time to go to lunch!!!

Op said she worked term time only role, not that she worked in a school.
I had several team members who worked term time only in the CS, and DS has TTO colleagues in his firm. Our HR had spreadsheets to calculate pay with several different permutations of hours worked.

BellaAndDave · 19/09/2023 23:49

You chose your wedding day how you wanted it and MIL has chosen hers. She wasn’t invited to your wedding why should you be invited to hers? It was really nasty not inviting her to yours tbh because your mum was looking after your children.

PyongyangKipperbang · 19/09/2023 23:52

This does feel like a "see how she likes it......" move.

Spiteful when she doesnt appreciate that your wedding was literally about signing the paperwork and not upsetting your kids.

At least your DH is now seeing her true colours.

AnneLovesGilbert · 20/09/2023 00:04

Wedding aside, you don’t have to visit her so don’t. If he won’t see her without you by his side he won’t see her either. But that’s his decision. And he’s partly responsible for the situation given he’s never been bothered to stick up for you.

pizzaHeart · 20/09/2023 00:19

PyongyangKipperbang · 19/09/2023 23:52

This does feel like a "see how she likes it......" move.

Spiteful when she doesnt appreciate that your wedding was literally about signing the paperwork and not upsetting your kids.

At least your DH is now seeing her true colours.

This^
I would be cross too OP, not about myself but about kids. She showed zero inclination to include them in her special day. She could have done at least a bit of effort.

PyongyangKipperbang · 20/09/2023 01:12

BellaAndDave · 19/09/2023 23:49

You chose your wedding day how you wanted it and MIL has chosen hers. She wasn’t invited to your wedding why should you be invited to hers? It was really nasty not inviting her to yours tbh because your mum was looking after your children.

Why was it nasty to not invite MIL when the OP couldnt have her own mother there as she was looking after her kids who wouldnt have coped with a tiny wedding? The OP was thinking about other people on her wedding day, her kids and her mother. MIL thinks about that day only in terms of herself, which says everything we need to know about her. She doesnt even care about her grandchildren ffs.

Also, why do parents think that they have a right to see their children married?!

As long as my children have the wedding day they want, if they want one at all, I do not assume I have a right to be there. Would I want to be there? Yes, if I could be. But would I hold a many years long grudge if they chose to elope or have a tiny "2 witnesses" ceremony? Of course not. In fact out of all of my children, the one I can imagine getting married the most is DD1. Her partner is autistic and doesnt deal with big events well. She hates being centre of attention and both are far too sensible to spend vast amounts of money on a party, so now I think about it, I would imagine that they would have a very very small wedding and I wouldnt assume at all that I would be there.

A mother who has the wedding she knows is best for her children is a far better mother than one who spitefully leaves her childs wife and kids out of her own big day just to get one back.