MIL, passive aggressive behaviour and her wedding

[Auntiegaston]

MIL has been with her partner for 20 years and they’ve decided to get married. She rang my DH and it turns out the date they’ve booked is my birthday (a milestone birthday) which falls on a weekday. Apparently she remembered it was my birthday and there were a few other dates but this was the cheapest. She told my DH after it was booked.

She’s invited my DH (who she wants to give her away) but it’s not clear whether the kids or me are invited. It’s not easy for me to get time off work as I work in a term time only role so I don’t get holiday. We also have kids with Sen and aside from my mum we wouldn’t have anyone to be there when they got home (they attend a specialist provision). MIL hasn’t asked if anyone will be home to see the kids in and the meal after is booked for lunchtime and the venue is an hour and a half away. So I assume she doesn’t want me to go.

DH has a sibling but they have no children and a flexible job. MIL’s partner’s sibling we’ve never been invited to meet only has his kids every other weekend so it’s not an issue.

We’ve had issues in the past as she’s been quite passive aggressive towards me (would ignore me and only talk to my DH, would offer only him food and drink when we went to see her etc). We did get married without her but we married with two friends as witnesses as the kids would’ve found even a small wedding too much so they stayed with my mum and we didn’t think it fair to invite one parent when the other couldn’t come.

In short, are we right to be a bit cross and hurt? They’re not short of money and a weekend would’ve only cost an extra £100.

Even if it is your birthday you’ve said you will be at work and the weddings in the middle of the day it doesn’t sound like he will be back late you don’t like each other she also didn’t go to your wedding you asked your mum to have the children for yours not her so she could of gone or you could have asked her; it sounds a bit like your being petty because you really don’t like her, that doesn’t mean her son shouldn’t looks like you’ve been given a good excuse to get out of wedding you wouldn’t want to go to anyway

She can change the date of the wedding as clearly no invitations have been issued yet otherwise you would have known. Your milestone birthday cannot be changed. I think she was being rude. If it is JUST a price difference, then offer to pay if you think they are struggling financially. Just say you have plans already booked for that day and she should have asked first.

I think you’re being a bit selfish.

its her wedding, her day, all about her. She shouldn’t need to factor other people in and organise everything to suit you. In the same way you planned your wedding to suit you and didn’t invite her.

I also don’t see the relevance of your birthday? You work during the day, so wouldn’t be taking the day off to celebrate at all as you’ve stated you’re in a term time role. If you’ve got kids at home I’m also assuming you’ve not got a big party or night out in the evening.

You didn’t invite your own kids to your own wedding. Why should she consider her wedding ok for them?

As such you’ll realistically celebrate your birthday at the weekend.

What exactly are you annoyed about? I thjnk you’re being a bit selfish and ‘me me me’. It’s one day.

The bigger issue is how she treats you generally - that you should address. If my MiL ignored me and didn’t even fake politeness and offer me a drink, I would just not go over and disengage from that relationship. Why do you even want to go to her wedding?

We were together a good few years before getting married. I suspect the poster who mentioned us not having a bond is correct but it’s like that due to her behaviour when I met my DH. It was before our wedding. I felt between a rock and a hard place when we got married to be honest. Yes my mum helped us out but equally we could’ve said to his mum about having the kids (she wouldn’t have wanted to) and then invited my mum and she’d have been hurt. Ultimately someone was going to get hurt and yes my DH could’ve pushed to have his mother there if he was that bothered.

For clarity on cost, MIL said there were a few dates to pick from but they went for the day they have as it was cheaper. These are the fees from where they’re getting married. There is no weekday difference except for Fridays and weekends. They are not short of money as they own three houses as buy to lets. So there were other dates, there’s not much difference in price. And it’s a pub meal afterwards.

Fees for 2023
Monday to Thursday - £475
Friday/Saturday - £575
Sunday/Bank Holiday - £675

She briefly mentioned the wedding and said she’d picked out her music. Nothing else was said until she left when she mentioned the date in front of the kids and one said “that’s my mum’s birthday”. Then they left.

This thread has been really helpful though. I’m not sure I’ll ever change my view on my wedding as I was doing what I thought was right at the time. I understand why MIL was hurt but my mum was also hurt she couldn’t come. But that was 10 odd years ago.

I think moving forward, I’ve come to the conclusion that as MIL doesn’t want to factor us into her plans which is absolutely her right. Moving forward I won’t be factoring her into any plans around visits or Christmas etc. I have genuinely appreciated the advice and have taken on board the comments. Regarding my birthday DH usually works from home one day a week and the day my birthday falls is on the day he WFH and we were going to take a slightly longer lunch together as we don’t get anytime together as my mum is really now too old to cope with one of children. But maybe we’ll do that the week before or the week after. DH can decide what he wants to do about his mum’s wedding.

@Ffion21, my kids were years younger when I married. Toddlers with disabilities v teens with disabilities now looks very different. But like you say it’s MIL’s day, if she chooses to pick a day that the kids can’t come as it’s a school day then that’s up to her.

I know she shouldn’t factor me in but if she wants DH there and to give her away it might’ve been worth considering factoring him in as he has a busy job and he often has to travel and some of his bigger meetings are booked well in advanced. If she doesn’t mind then no bother.

So it was the OPs wedding? Nothing to do with her husband?

Unless you really love your mil it's best to steer clear,.let your dh deal with her and remind him he's married to you, not his mum

I totally understand where you are coming from. You are being set up for years of people having to choose between their Wedding Anniversary and your birthday for things. I don't think your DH should go personally. I definitely don't think you or the kids should go. Even if you are working, I imagine you'll want some sort of treat, even if it's only a takeaway or for your DH to do all the school runs. I don't know if location means DH could do both - I do know my DH went to a family event when my SEND child was in hospital and ended up leaving because he suddenly realised his priorities were out of whack.

@Iwasafool
Would this couple have said to their mothers,"since neither of you have agreed to keep our children neither of you are invited to our wedding? Who plans a wedding with the intention of excluding their parents?

Surely in planning a wedding you have enough lead time to hire a sitter even in the most difficult of circumstances. Obviously a brief Registry wedding would not have required the use of the sitter for any extended period of time.

I would imagine that the MIL thinks that the idea of not inviting her as some kind of parity gesture originated with the OP. She is not inviting her son as a guest but instead as a member of the wedding party.

Sadly, this is a pretty fractured family dynamic within this family grouping.

@Mari9999, do you have children with Sen? I tried to find a sitter. At the time the kids couldn’t attend nursery for more than an hour or two a day. We tried asking nursery staff, we had no option believe me I spent many hours really upset about it. We still don’t have childcare options which is why we don’t do things as a couple and I work term time only because some of them can’t access holiday clubs because there aren’t any. I didn’t organise a wedding with the sole intention of excluding anyone. I wanted to marry my DH for love and for financial reasons so should anything happen (relationship where there are children with Sen tend to fail) that as a sahm at the time, I would’ve been a bit more protected. Several of the children are now teens, I know they would cope at a wedding now but at the time I made what I felt was the fairest decision. I didn’t want to have to pick and chose and leave people upset so I picked no one and had two friends as witnesses. The decision wasn’t made with malicious intent to hurt anyone and it was very very difficult and caused me a lot of upset. It wasn’t the wedding I would’ve chosen to have. I love my children but my life is not how I would’ve chosen it to be and sometimes I have to make decisions that look very crap/rude/nasty/selfish to people not in our situation but because it’s in the best interest of my children.

@Auntiegaston
I do not have a child with SEN, but I hat a sibling who has a child with SEN. When the child was younger they often had to arrange for respite care services. and of course family members were often on call. So, I am very familiar with the challenges involved in caring for children with SEN.

I doubt however any family member was ever excluded from an event because of some parity issue related to offering or not offering child care. Better to have characterized this an event to which no one was invited. Once you decided that someone "was not invited" you created the feelings that now exist.

That may not have been your intention, but it was the very foreseeable outcome.

If you can't get time off work anyway you wouldn't be doing anything for your birthday on that day so what does it matter? She's not préventing you having plans with your husband and if the meal afterwards is lunchtime he can get home by the time you get home from work

You haven't explained how the arrangements for the wedding are all on the OP. She didn't marry herself, she married a grown man who had every right to his input on if they used a sitter, ran off to Gretna Green, or invited his mother. Somehow it is all the OPs fault, she can spend birthday alone and her equally culpable husband gets invited to the wedding and misses OPs birthday lunch.

OP has said, more than once, that she has flexibility and they planned a long lunch hour to go out for a meal. So it does matter.

That would have been relevant in the original post then she wouldnt have to state it more than once would she 🙄

Or you could read her updates.

@LT1982, sorry if I’ve not been clear enough. To be honest I was upset when I wrote the post so probably didn’t put as much detail in. I’m also worn out so I’m probably a bit emotional about the subject.

@Mari9999, you’re not a parent to a child who has additional needs. I’m sure you’ve seen it through the eyes of an auntie but with respect you don’t live the life. I have been punched, hit, screamed up, spat on, bitten had things thrown at me, taken education authorise to court, gone weeks with no real sleep, dealt with the emotion of watching my children struggle day in day out whilst trying to make sure my neurotypical children have a life. I have several child with Sen, they attend a specialist school. We have a social worker. I have spent their lives fighting for them. So no I couldn’t just “go get a sitter”. All children with Sen are different, some may cope with having people babysit them but for a one off event, no I couldn’t just go and get someone to look after them. Just in case you’re not aware support depending on area is patchy. To get any respite which would be once a month for a night if we qualified you have to jump through hoops.

Your MIL sounds awful but I still think YABU for many reasons.

It’s not clear whether the kids or me are invited.

So why have neither you nor your DH just ASKED if you and the kids are invited?! Jeez.

To be honest, I'm really not sure why you'd want to go anyway. You don't like her, and you say in relation to your own wedding that you kids would find 'even a small wedding too much' so why are you bothered that you and the kids can't go?

Also, if you can't get time off work anyway, it's irrelevant that it's a 'milestone birthday' because you'll be at work. (I also don't understand the obsession with having to celebrate on the actual day of a birthday - just have cards and presents on your actual birthday and then go out to celebrate on the nearest Saturday ffs, you're not a child).

OP has said, more than once, that she has flexibility and they planned a long lunch hour to go out for a meal. So it does matter

Just do that on a different day, then?

@Auntiegaston

I’m not sure I’ll ever change my view on my wedding as I was doing what I thought was right at the time. I understand why MIL was hurt but my mum was also hurt she couldn’t come. But that was 10 odd years ago.

Don't. I'm not sure why you've had a number of responses suggesting you've commited some gratuitous, barely forgivable offence by having the wedding of your own and DH's choosing and only a couple of friends present. But I don't set the store by weddings that many MN members do, so I wouldn't necessarily see why it's so 'hurtful' to marry quietly in this way.

My DH and I married in Italy with only one couple we are friends with and their two children present. My dearest childhood friend, who I've known since I was four, wasn't there. My brother, to whom I'm very close, wasn't there either. And my mum is dead. We told others of our plans shortly before we left.

Big parties have never been the way DH and I celebrate. We are fairly unconventional. We don't stand on ceremony. We like informality, we don't like attention, and an identikit wedding that 'others expect' would have been anathema to both of us. Anyone who knows us, or even knows the remotest thing about us, knows this. The issue arose, I think, because DH's family barely do know him. He left home at 18 and hasn't been back. His mum contacts him (and our DC) all of three times a year. This considered, it shouldn't have come as a surprise that it never even occurred to DH or me that anyone might mind.

My family, my friends, all our mutual friends, were delighted for us. Sister-in-law went on the attack because we'd dared to do something unconventional without having it sanctioned by her. MiL said nothing, but according to SiL she was 'very, very upset'. In the circumstances I don't see why. It was DH's choice even more than mine, but of course being the woman I am 100% at fault. When are we ever not?

All this said, if I could go back in time I'd do exactly the same thing again. You had your wedding the way you wanted - the way that was imposed on you because of your child's SEN - if others choose not to understand that then that's on them. Now let her get on with hers. You don't have to prioritize her when it comes to making your own plans but that seems an inevitable consequence of the nature of your relationship in general, not the wedding per se.

Drop the rope and let DH deal with her.

Please tell me you'll be refusing all DH demands that you visit his mother.

Your husband should get clarity for you.

but you can’t be hurt because she choose your birthday? Because it’s weekday and you need to take a day off?

Her wedding her choice. Kinda ridiculous all around on this.

sucks you guys don’t like each other. But hubby just needs to find out who’s invited. (He can stand up for you or not, that’s a different fight, and you can be justified in being disappointed if he doesn’t!) once he finds out you can worry or plan. But not till then.

Fully agree!!!
He needs to tell her that you’re his wife and the mother of his children so to have some respect.

Why can’t he ask her if you are invited? It’s a simple question really.

Bit rubbish for her to do it on your milestone birthday but as you say, you work term time and you can celebrate on the weekend ❤️

hope you have a lovely birthday x

Not sure why people aren't reading OPs posts but to clarify she has said she works from home,her husband wfh one day a week which happens to be her birthday. Their plan was to take a long lunch break that day and go for lunch to celebrate her birthday, I suppose that is easier than going out in the evening when you need babysitters when you have children with special needs.

So the OPs birthday has been fixed for some years, since she was born in fact, it was convenient for her and her husband to celebrate which is probably a real bonus when you have children with special needs. MIL could pick any day but she has chosen the milestone birthday of the OP meaning OP won't have her birthday celebration, probably won't be able to do it that week.

Life is tough when you have children with special needs, having a special lunch with your husband on your special birthday doesn't seem a lot to ask to me but hey she's just a wife, a mother with responsibilities so why the hell should she get considered just occasionally.