MIL, passive aggressive behaviour and her wedding

[Auntiegaston]

MIL has been with her partner for 20 years and they’ve decided to get married. She rang my DH and it turns out the date they’ve booked is my birthday (a milestone birthday) which falls on a weekday. Apparently she remembered it was my birthday and there were a few other dates but this was the cheapest. She told my DH after it was booked.

She’s invited my DH (who she wants to give her away) but it’s not clear whether the kids or me are invited. It’s not easy for me to get time off work as I work in a term time only role so I don’t get holiday. We also have kids with Sen and aside from my mum we wouldn’t have anyone to be there when they got home (they attend a specialist provision). MIL hasn’t asked if anyone will be home to see the kids in and the meal after is booked for lunchtime and the venue is an hour and a half away. So I assume she doesn’t want me to go.

DH has a sibling but they have no children and a flexible job. MIL’s partner’s sibling we’ve never been invited to meet only has his kids every other weekend so it’s not an issue.

We’ve had issues in the past as she’s been quite passive aggressive towards me (would ignore me and only talk to my DH, would offer only him food and drink when we went to see her etc). We did get married without her but we married with two friends as witnesses as the kids would’ve found even a small wedding too much so they stayed with my mum and we didn’t think it fair to invite one parent when the other couldn’t come.

In short, are we right to be a bit cross and hurt? They’re not short of money and a weekend would’ve only cost an extra £100.

As usual, I think the issue here is really your DH. Has he clarified with his mother whether you and the kids are invited? Did he protest when she only offered him food and not you?

She really sounds horrible. Count it as a win that you won’t be at her wedding, don’t bother with a present, it sounds like she won’t get you anything, and just let your DH continue having as much contact with her as he feels able to. Forget her basically.

It’s very clearly very shitty of her to book her wedding on your milestone birthday, not sure why anyone would disagree with that. It would be a very different story if any of the PP’s close relatives done this to them 🙄

No OP, you’re very clearly not BU for being hurt or upset by her actions.

I get that she doesn't have to invite you. But picking your milestone birthday date knowingly for her wedding and demanding her son be there instead of celebrating with you seems rather spiteful and deliberate.

I was on your side, OP, until you dropped the bomb that MIL wasn’t invited to her own son’s wedding.

Life's too short. Don't let something this trivial take up your thoughts.

I mentioned my birthday because as well as picking a work day it seemed relevant. Because it feels a bit like she’s done it on purpose.

True. She may well have done it on purpose. But you don't have to care about that.

And that's the OPs responsibility because.......

I should mention my DH isn’t a push over. Aside from never standing up to his family he’s very opinionated and blunt. His family tend to be his blind spot.

Thanks to everyone for the advice. It’s actually really helped put it in perspective. I appreciate maybe I didn’t make the right choice with our wedding but at the time, it honestly felt like the fairest thing to do. In my mind I wasn’t excluding anyone. But her wedding is just another symptom of my bad relationship with my MIL and how it hurts. I’d built it up a lot in my head but in reality it’s just two people getting married. I do think she’s deliberately picked my birthday as a bit of an FU knowing it won’t be straightforward but I don’t know why I care. She has her life and I have mine. I’m just sad that I don’t have a bit of extra family. But it is them that’s missing out.

@Auntiegaston

I wouldn’t take it too hard. Families are complicated and rarely like you see on a John Lewis Christmas ad….

I think accept it for what it is, and focus on your nuclear family and extended family on your side that you are very blessed with.

Let them get on with what they need to, much the same as you got on with what you needed to. I really wouldn’t take it personally.

I don’t get it. You clearly don’t really like each other - why are you disappointed to miss her wedding? I’d be relieved.

I could understand if it scuppered your birthday plans - but you say you’ll be busy working on the day anyway? Am I missing something?

From here on out I would drop the rope with MIL. I wouldn’t make any effort towards a relationship with her. All communication with her is now on your husband. All gifts for birthdays/Christmas/wedding are his responsibility. If you don’t want to visit her, don’t let him talk you into it. She isn’t into you and makes no effort, so you are just mirroring that. I also wouldn’t push my kids into a relationship/contact with her.

I think I understand your take on this. You didn’t have a wedding, but went through the legal process of marriage with your husband. You had the two required witnesses present. Honestly, it was on your husband to insist on his mother being there, if that is what he wanted. You had a party to celebrate your marriage and MIL was included in that. MIL wasn’t excluded from celebrating your wedding because you didn’t have one and she was included in the only celebration you had for your marriage.

MIL has set up a situation where your husband has to choose between you and her. It seems like she wants you to know she comes first to your husband and he is failing you by going along with it. He has been failing you for the entirety of your relationship because he refuses to stand up to his mother. His go along to get along attitude has led to you being hurt. Him requiring you to visit is just him being too cowardly to confront his mom.

What should happen is your husband should tell his mom that while it’s her wedding and she can have it any day she chooses, it’s also your birthday and he already has plans to take you to a special lunch and continue to celebrate after your workday and your kids get home from school. If she wants his attendance, she needs to include you and the kids and plan it for a day where you all are available.

When my DH and I were dating, I had a milestone birthday. His mom and sister made a big deal that his sister had an event for school that evening that he just had to attend. It was a yearly event in their community that his sister was always in and they had never even invited him to it before. They insisted that he had always gone (he never did and they never wanted him to go before) and he would be breaking family tradition if he didn’t go. My friends and I had already planned how we were going to celebrate my birthday and my DH had been involved in planning it and had shared even before his sister signed up for the event that he would be unavailable that evening. My DH and I were already serious and talking marriage and his family knew this. They set this situation up for him to choose his mom and sister over me. I told him that I wouldn’t ask him to choose me, but I also wouldn’t continue a relationship with someone who didn’t. He celebrated with me and told his mom and sister that they needed to understand that he wanted to build his life with me as his partner and he would always choose me over them.

This OP!
Also unfortunately it's not clear that your MIL did celebrate with you! As you posted a lot of updates. I must admit I skim read and missed it until Ivy pointed it out.

Not only has she excluded you from her wedding celebration while she was fully included in yours. She thinks neurodiversity can be grown out of???

Disgusting.

It says she asked if they'd grow out of it.
There's a lot people don't understand about neurodiversity.
It doesn't say she thought they would. It says she asked.
Not everyone understands.
Not saying what she said is right. Just offering a different perspective

I just googled out of interest and there's no end of articles on adhd and growing out of it.
So it is a fair question. It's not disgusting.
Caveat... fully aware that there are lots of different ways to be ND. and it may not apply here

I should mention my DH isn’t a push over. Aside from never standing up to his family he’s very opinionated and blunt. His family tend to be his blind spot.

@Auntiegaston I appreciate he may not generally be a doormat but the thing is - it’s with his family where he needs to be outspoken the most.

In marriages, especially if there are toxic relationships, a partner is more likely to need support and back up against other family members than against a random stranger .

Families are often the most common site of conflict and it’s where you really test someone’s loyalties.

Because it’s one thing sticking up for you against a stranger, and another thing defending you against his family.
To me a husband or wife has to be prepared to do the latter or they shouldn’t have bothered with the vows.

Anyway your husband can be a pushover with his mum if he chooses but just remember that you don’t need to go along with any of it.

This, exactly. OP your husband is failing you.

I told him that I wouldn’t ask him to choose me, but I also wouldn’t continue a relationship with someone who didn’t. He celebrated with me and told his mom and sister that they needed to understand that he wanted to build his life with me as his partner and he would always choose me over them

This is the perfect time and way to handle situations like this because boundaries need to be clear from the start. It’s really not worth marrying men who will be manipulated by their mother and put their wife second. It’s definitely something women look out for in the early stages of a relationship. I’d find it deeply unattractive sharing a life, house, children and bed with someone who can’t stand up to his mum or dad.

Surely by this stupid logic, her son shouldnt be invited either as he also didnt invite his mum to his wedding.

The MIL sounds like a bitch! Id go no contact with this witch and hope my husband joins me

So do you think it would be ok for a woman to saycto her family that she would always choose her boyfriend over them?

I'm sorry but this is bullshit.

Where is the problem? It seems to be understood that the wife and the MIL are not fond of each other. Who is the loser in the scenario if the wife does not attendThe wedding? The OP has no informed knowledge of how the MIL has prioritized the spending for her wedding. Surely, there must be events that the husband and wife have attended without the other. The husband may be gone for a few hours to walk his mother down the aisle. No one's life will end over him doing this for his mom. It will be a one and done.

Life is too short to spend time being angry about things that really don't impact your life in any meaningful way.

OP knows with absolutely certainty that it is possible to survive not being invited to a wedding , both her mom and MIL were not invited to her wedding and both survived.

You were dating
He'd never been to the event before
Why did he need to tell his family in advance that he wouldn't be available that evening if he'd never been anyway.
That doesn't make sense.

But they didn't invite OP mum to the wedding either. They literally got married with two friends as witnesses.

Sounds like MIL is inviting everyone in the family except DIL.

Also the son is still invited, it was his wedding as well that his mum "wasn't invited" to so as much his decisions as DIL.

Hate when everyone puts all the blame on the in laws.

OP hasn't actually said she's not invited. It says it's not clear. If my husband was invited to a wedding on his side of the family it would be a given that I was invited too.
As i understand it this was a phonecall not a card in the post so you would think that that would have been the time for clarification if they thought it was needed then. As it is no one checked, OP has assumed she and the kids are not invited.
So there's a big long thread over something that we don't even know has happened.

@Lemsipper

BellaAndDave
You chose your wedding day how you wanted it and MIL has chosen hers. She wasn’t invited to your wedding why should you be invited to hers? It was really nasty not inviting her to yours tbh because your mum was looking after your children.

"Surely by this stupid logic, her son shouldnt be invited either as he also didnt invite his mum to his wedding.

The MIL sounds like a bitch! Id go no contact with this witch and hope my husband joins me"

You hit the nail on the head there @Lemsipper 👏🏼👏🏼

I also think the OP sounds like she doesn't really get holiday of work due to her job being term time but as it's a milestone birthday she has managed to secure this afternoon off for a birthday lunch that MIL was aware of and continued to book her wedding on that day out of spite.

At least 3 times she says her birthday isn't a big deal.
She also says her job has a degree of flexibility.
She also says she can celebrate the birthday at the weekend.
Clearly there is animosity there and she's looking for every possible thing to be upset about.
OP tell your husband to phone his mother. Find out if you are invited then decide what to do. You are letting this eat you up. Don't say you're not bothered about your birthday when you clearly are. Tell him you're upset. There's nothing wrong with being upset in this case but you need to get it sorted