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AIBU?

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Original poster

MIL, passive aggressive behaviour and her wedding

281 replies

Auntiegaston · 19/09/2023 20:41

MIL has been with her partner for 20 years and they’ve decided to get married. She rang my DH and it turns out the date they’ve booked is my birthday (a milestone birthday) which falls on a weekday. Apparently she remembered it was my birthday and there were a few other dates but this was the cheapest. She told my DH after it was booked.

She’s invited my DH (who she wants to give her away) but it’s not clear whether the kids or me are invited. It’s not easy for me to get time off work as I work in a term time only role so I don’t get holiday. We also have kids with Sen and aside from my mum we wouldn’t have anyone to be there when they got home (they attend a specialist provision). MIL hasn’t asked if anyone will be home to see the kids in and the meal after is booked for lunchtime and the venue is an hour and a half away. So I assume she doesn’t want me to go.

DH has a sibling but they have no children and a flexible job. MIL’s partner’s sibling we’ve never been invited to meet only has his kids every other weekend so it’s not an issue.

We’ve had issues in the past as she’s been quite passive aggressive towards me (would ignore me and only talk to my DH, would offer only him food and drink when we went to see her etc). We did get married without her but we married with two friends as witnesses as the kids would’ve found even a small wedding too much so they stayed with my mum and we didn’t think it fair to invite one parent when the other couldn’t come.

In short, are we right to be a bit cross and hurt? They’re not short of money and a weekend would’ve only cost an extra £100.

OP posts:
BreakTheChain · 20/09/2023 12:32

I really don't think either you or your husband have a leg to stand on when it comes to her wedding. You are assuming choices for her. She might not want anyone there but her son, she might want it on a week day and she might want it tiny and fuss free. Those are her choices just as you made yours. Yes having children with SEN provides extra challenges but you excluded her rightly or wrongly from yours and are now complaining your excluded? Yes it's hurtful but she would have felt the same about her son getting married without her there. Pick your battles. This isn't one to fight

Mari9999 · 20/09/2023 12:32

@Auntiegaston
You say that your kids will need someone at home with them and you did not invite her to your wedding, so are your reasons any less valid than your reasons for excluding her?

The 2 of you clearly do not care for each other, so I really don't see a problem with you not being invited. Why would you want to go somewhere that you are really not wanted and for someone about whom you have negative feelings?

Your not going should be a win/win for both of you.

gamerchick · 20/09/2023 12:33

I get you have SN kids. I've got 3, I get it. It doesnt, no matter what reasons, whether those reasons are valid take away the fact she didn't get to see her child get married. The reasons dont matter. The well I couldn't have one and not the other reasons don't matter. It is what it is and it's obviously stung her. Instead of defending it with excuses, you could have validated that hurt with her

That said, they say our son's marry woman similar to their mother's. So there's probably a reason you both clash.

This is your golden opportunity to stop going along to these visits. So what if your bloke wants you there? Tough. She's his mother, he can deal with her. Why you want to go to her wedding is beyond me anyroad.

DsTTy · 20/09/2023 12:48

OP you could predict that you’d have neurodivergent children as it’s genetic and yours, your husbands and your relatives challenges with navigating social situations scream neurodivergence.

You are suffering extreme rejection sensitivity dysphoria even though your MIL is simply behaving in the way you did and planning a wedding to suit her. You don’t even know who and who isn’t invited but your communication issues are preventing you from asking. You are bogged down in the detail (MILs behaviour) rather than the bigger picture - you and your husbands relationship and your issues regarding your boundaries.

A lot of your MILs behaviour, such as potentially planning a wedding to minimise the guest list and struggling to talk to you at her home could be social anxiety. Potentially holding a grudge for so many years could also be an outcome of her own RSD. The overriding need to save money despite the other issues it causes could be fixed thinking.

Original poster
Auntiegaston · 20/09/2023 13:05

@feralunderclass, we had the meal at home so it was easier for the kids.

Regarding our wedding. I’m not sure what I could have done to minimise anyone being excluded. Would it have been fair to leave MIL with the children so my mum could see her only child get married? Or exclude my mum? In the interest of fairness it seemed sensible to only invite 2 witnesses. Maybe it was the wrong choice but at the time seemed sensible and fair. Perhaps it wasn’t.

My MIL has chosen and I suspect deep down she has done it to make it awkward as she’d rather have just her son attend. That’s fine. It’s her wedding. I’m not big on birthdays though it felt a bit of a poke that she’d chosen that particular day. Maybe it’s a petty thing but one thing you’re all right about is not giving this anymore time and energy anymore.

@DsTTy, there was nothing to indicate in either family that anyone had social issues. But it is the reason we haven’t gone on to have anymore as we’ve now got an understanding that genetics play a role.

@gamerchick, if it had been your wedding and your kids wouldn’t have been able to sit through the ceremony without getting very upset, what would you’ve done? Maybe the right thing to do was have my mum who helps and supports us there and leave my MIL at home with the kids. Either way someone would’ve been excluded. And yes I do understand that it wasn’t nice. I’m not denying that.

OP posts:
JudgeRudy · 20/09/2023 13:08

You are a role model for your children. You are teaching them that this is the normal way of doing things. Would you be happy for your children to have a marriage like this? They may not understand or see everything....but it's incidious, they're picking up on things.
You deserve a better life. No partner is a better life.

Sparklecats · 20/09/2023 13:10

YABU

Whatever the reason, you didn’t invite her to your wedding or make a fuss so why should they be organising everything to accommodate you.

It’s a low key wedding with an afternoon lunch.

You wouldn’t be able to go all out to celebrate your birthday anyway on a week day. I say she has done you a favour - you have that weekend to celebrate you! Hooray!!

Don’t make a fuss, let DH go, get your fam/friends whomever makes you happy to come over when the kids get in to celebrate, have a birthday tea. And then book a special day/night or a wkend away with dh and kids or have a big party if you want on the Saturday to celebrate.

Thats what I’d do. They’re old, they want a legal commitment, it’s no big shakes.

Iwasafool · 20/09/2023 13:15

I don't understand the "reap what you sow" bit. Your husband didn't invite her to his wedding. He's still invited. Why is it your sole responsibility (and fault) that she wasn't at your wedding?

Get your husband to ask her and then see how you both feel. If you aren't invited as some sort of revenge because of your wedding then he shouldn't go either as it was also his wedding.

Iwasafool · 20/09/2023 13:15

Sparklecats · 20/09/2023 13:10

YABU

Whatever the reason, you didn’t invite her to your wedding or make a fuss so why should they be organising everything to accommodate you.

It’s a low key wedding with an afternoon lunch.

You wouldn’t be able to go all out to celebrate your birthday anyway on a week day. I say she has done you a favour - you have that weekend to celebrate you! Hooray!!

Don’t make a fuss, let DH go, get your fam/friends whomever makes you happy to come over when the kids get in to celebrate, have a birthday tea. And then book a special day/night or a wkend away with dh and kids or have a big party if you want on the Saturday to celebrate.

Thats what I’d do. They’re old, they want a legal commitment, it’s no big shakes.

Two people got married, the OP didn't marry herself.

Anothagoatthis · 20/09/2023 13:29

Iwasafool · 20/09/2023 13:15

I don't understand the "reap what you sow" bit. Your husband didn't invite her to his wedding. He's still invited. Why is it your sole responsibility (and fault) that she wasn't at your wedding?

Get your husband to ask her and then see how you both feel. If you aren't invited as some sort of revenge because of your wedding then he shouldn't go either as it was also his wedding.

I was just about to say this - her own son also didn’t invite her to the wedding but she hasn’t held it against him. It seems a bit like internalised misogyny to pin the blame on her daughter in law.

And is everyone missing the fact she had a celebration the weekend after where her MIL was invited?

OP, you have a DH problem. She knew she could get away with this based on the way he is like. If he had stronger boundaries she wouldn't have pulled this stunt. Stop going along on the visits with him.

Original poster
Auntiegaston · 20/09/2023 13:32

@Sparklecats, I agree it’s her wedding and she can do what she wants but when she has a lack of restrictions it feels very telling that she’s picked a weekday. Fair enough if she’s not bothered if DH/me/kids attend then I agree. We can’t get to the bottom really if she’d be hurt if no one bothered going. If she’s going to be okay that just DH (which I suspect is what she’d be prefer) is going. Fine. I suppose if she has no expectation of any of us attending then it makes sense she’s organised it how she has. I still think doing it on my birthday was a dig but never mind.

Your post actually struck a chord with me. Because the reality is it’s just two people getting married. And I’ve transferred a lot of my hurt that we have a poor relationship onto the wedding when it’s more about never having been made to feel part of her family and this feels like we’re not really being included. I had a really good relationship with my ex’s mum and although I’m close with my mum our circle is small. It’s more like a square really so I’m mourning that.

OP posts:
Original poster
Auntiegaston · 20/09/2023 13:40

@Anothagoatthis, she had a very odd relationship with my DH. It felt like he was hers and she liked being the only woman in his life. I think because his dad left (he’s now died) when he was younger she’s lent on him a lot in a way you’d lean on a partner rather than child.

But yes DH seems to get forgiven a lot despite him making the choices as well.

But I’ll enjoy my birthday with my kids. And maybe get a grip on the fact that my relationship with my MIL will remain on polite terms but nothing more than that.

If anyone has any tips for dealing with insensitive comments and how to reply, I’m all ears.

OP posts:
Iwasafool · 20/09/2023 14:02

If anyone has any tips for dealing with insensitive comments and how to reply, I’m all ears. My late MIL used to refer to me as "it" and I'd just laugh at her. She did it once too often and DH exploded but I honestly think the laugh annoyed her more.

Galatine · 20/09/2023 14:07

If I was invited to a wedding and my wife was excluded I would not be going never mind whose wedding it was.

Cosyblankets · 20/09/2023 14:18

We had a celebration for everyone the next weekend. I honestly do not know what more I could do.

What did you do with the kids?

Original poster
Auntiegaston · 20/09/2023 14:27

@Cosyblankets, the kids were there as we had a meal at our house.

OP posts:
DottyLottieLou · 20/09/2023 14:31

However you feel I would not give her any indication that you are anything other than delighted. If it was deliberate to hurt you that will pain her more, the fact that you couldn't care less. If it wasn't deliberate then it doesn't matter. Some people have no awareness of other people's feelings. They exist in their own little universe where everything revolves around them.

Anothagoatthis · 20/09/2023 14:33

@Auntiegaston

yeah it’s a common but unhealthy dynamic which often occurs when mothers either didn’t have a partner or they didn’t have a good one. It’s a shame but Ultimately it’s your husbands responsibility to live up to the marriage vows and put you first.

My friend had this with her ex-fiancé’s mum who had leant on her eldest son his whole life, while her late husband was off with OW. His mum, who lived abroad, disliked my friend before they even met.

Honestly? I feel you’ll never win with a MIL like that! It’s best to significantly reduce the contact instead of thinking how to respond to rude comments . Or ask your husband to stand up and address it!

Cosyblankets · 20/09/2023 14:33

Auntiegaston · 20/09/2023 14:27

@Cosyblankets, the kids were there as we had a meal at our house.

I'm a little confused as to what they would not have coped with. Clearly not other people as they were fine with that bit. Help us to understand what the issue was

WellPlaced · 20/09/2023 14:34

Am I correct in thinking that you’re annoyed she’s not invited you to her wedding, but she wasn’t invited to her sons?

AliceOlive · 20/09/2023 14:34

Cosyblankets · 20/09/2023 14:18

We had a celebration for everyone the next weekend. I honestly do not know what more I could do.

What did you do with the kids?

The kids joined. She answered that already.

Original poster
Auntiegaston · 20/09/2023 14:49

@Cosyblankets, the ceremony they couldn’t cope with. We did a trial run and went to see the registry office and it resulted in meltdowns. We did social stories etc but they were so young they weren’t able to engage. They didn’t understand waiting and certainly not sitting. Bearing in mind they were toddlers and also had disabilities. One threw a lot of papers off the desk. It just wasn’t manageable. The kids were and are okay with people in the house as long as they don’t have demands placed on them and are left be and not forced to engage. Like I said this was 10 odd years ago and the older ones manage a lot better now. We didn’t have the youngest who has significant challenges. The oldest are aware of the wedding and asked the date and asked if Grandma had invited them as it was a school day. We’ve very much not mentioned it to them.

OP posts:
Vallmo47 · 20/09/2023 14:58

Yes it’s very likely she deliberately planned it on your milestone birthday to ensure maximum effect OP. Celebrate your birthday a day or two early, make a big song and dance it, make sure you don’t invite her …. But do ensure she sees pics on social media thanking people for the best birthday get together ever. ;)

Or just think of doing the above, rise above entirely and accept you wouldn’t want to be at her wedding anyway!

StaunchMomma · 20/09/2023 15:16

I mean, you don't like her, she doesn't like you, you didn't invite her to your wedding but now you're screwing that you're not invited to hers?!

Would you even want to go?!

A wedding trumps a 'big' birthday. It's mid week, you've already said you couldn't have time off so you won't be with DH or the kids anyway.

Let your husband go, if he wants to, then celebrate your bday at the weekend.

Lahdedahiam · 20/09/2023 15:20

Auntiegaston · 20/09/2023 14:49

@Cosyblankets, the ceremony they couldn’t cope with. We did a trial run and went to see the registry office and it resulted in meltdowns. We did social stories etc but they were so young they weren’t able to engage. They didn’t understand waiting and certainly not sitting. Bearing in mind they were toddlers and also had disabilities. One threw a lot of papers off the desk. It just wasn’t manageable. The kids were and are okay with people in the house as long as they don’t have demands placed on them and are left be and not forced to engage. Like I said this was 10 odd years ago and the older ones manage a lot better now. We didn’t have the youngest who has significant challenges. The oldest are aware of the wedding and asked the date and asked if Grandma had invited them as it was a school day. We’ve very much not mentioned it to them.

How did they know if you've not discussed it with them?