MIL, passive aggressive behaviour and her wedding

[Auntiegaston]

MIL has been with her partner for 20 years and they’ve decided to get married. She rang my DH and it turns out the date they’ve booked is my birthday (a milestone birthday) which falls on a weekday. Apparently she remembered it was my birthday and there were a few other dates but this was the cheapest. She told my DH after it was booked.

She’s invited my DH (who she wants to give her away) but it’s not clear whether the kids or me are invited. It’s not easy for me to get time off work as I work in a term time only role so I don’t get holiday. We also have kids with Sen and aside from my mum we wouldn’t have anyone to be there when they got home (they attend a specialist provision). MIL hasn’t asked if anyone will be home to see the kids in and the meal after is booked for lunchtime and the venue is an hour and a half away. So I assume she doesn’t want me to go.

DH has a sibling but they have no children and a flexible job. MIL’s partner’s sibling we’ve never been invited to meet only has his kids every other weekend so it’s not an issue.

We’ve had issues in the past as she’s been quite passive aggressive towards me (would ignore me and only talk to my DH, would offer only him food and drink when we went to see her etc). We did get married without her but we married with two friends as witnesses as the kids would’ve found even a small wedding too much so they stayed with my mum and we didn’t think it fair to invite one parent when the other couldn’t come.

In short, are we right to be a bit cross and hurt? They’re not short of money and a weekend would’ve only cost an extra £100.

Have you read the OP's posts?

Eh? An anniversary is for the couple not other people to celebrate year after year. Maybe a milestone anniversary but 'anniversary parties' aren't as important as weddings.

@Mari9999 Are you one of THOSE people who places a massive amount of importance on the 'legal wedding'?
If you had bothered to read the OP properly they signed the papers at the registry office and then had a party to which MIL, and everyone else was invited.
MIL is doing exactly the same but not inviting the OP to any of it. So actually, MIL is snubbing OP.

Many people do the paperwork this way, either because they want to marry in an unlicensed venue, abroad/international couple or, my biggest bugbear, extortionate registrar fees!

A standard registry office legal ceremony (which they legally MUST offer) is £57. To have a registrar at a venue, on a weekend:
£765 in Cheshire (rising to £835 in 2025)
£700 in Manchester (City of Manchester)
£500 - £535 in Stockport
"430 - £480 in Preston.

For exactly the same service! How is that fair?

I'm getting married in Manchester and I'll be damned if I'm paying that much and subject to the indignity of having to follow 'legal rules' + being unable to choose my registrar. I did the cheapie legal on a weekday and spent the £600+ on things that actually mattered. Like food , booze and my dress ;) Oh, and a celebrant, that I not only got to choose but who's spent lots of time with us perfecting our ceremony. For a lower price than any of the legal registrars!

More and more people are doing it this way as weddings, like everything else have gotten so expensive. Similarly the trend in 'micro weddings'. Councils have gotten away with charging so much as people still make a huge fuss about the 'legal's but this is slowly changing. Especially as in many other countries there's no such thing as a licensed venue, you have to do the 'legals' in a government officey place.

@Auntiegaston
I sympathize . You are living the life of a parent with several SEN children. That has to be beyond difficult. It has been a challenge for my sibling and his wife but they have managed .

Even with all of the complexities , I don't see why you would object to your husband walking his mother down the aisle. You can celebrate your birthday on another day, but she will only get married on this one day.

I suspect you may resent the overall lack of support from her for your family, and it may seem overwhelming at times, but from your description, she does not seem tempermentally capable of providing much useful assistance.Not everyone is capable of dealing appropriately with SEN children even when they love them.

I see no upside to objecting to him taking part in the wedding. That won't make your life one bit better, and it may make your husband's relationship significantly worse. Who wins by his not going? Adding any more animosity to this family dynamic cannot be a good thing for any of you.

Milestone birthdays are pathetic, everything’s got to be a big palaver nowadays. You didn’t invite her, she hasn’t invited you, what’s the problem ffs. Grow up !

What does your husband think? These are his children, would you fall in with these plans if it was ur extended family.Your mil is toxic, any reasonable person would make plans to suit all . I get that you had a tiny wedding. That was fair as no family there. It’s not so much the birthday it’s a mother showing you she’s in charge

It's reasonable to feel a bit hurt, seems like you have been deliberately sidelined. However, you say it would be hard to get there due to work, kids etc although she could have had a family discussion about how to manage it with you and your husband before making the final decision. If she really only wants just her son there, then it's up to her and her son is the one who will have to choose whether to agree to this or not. If she didn't get to be at your wedding it's fairly understandable that she feels this is ok behaviour. A bit mean picking his birthday though. Personally, I'd just let it go and then celebrate your other halfs birthday another time.

Looks like DH has a choice to make. She should have invited you as DH's partner. If she can't be gracious enough to do that then DH should go out with you as a nuclear family for your milestone birthday and she should have someone else give her away.

The wedding could still have been cheaper just a different week or day. Your big birthday is that one day. Also 3 hours travel time back n forth. Weird how husband has a significant role and none of his immediate family involved.

OP, we got married on DBIL' birthday as it was the o my day that worked for different reasons.
I'd imagine she had to have that day for different reasons, but just to be spiteful, is now attaching it to your birthday.
I'd send her a message as dear MIL,
I feel honoured you've chosen my birthday date to be your special day too.
Unfortunately the kids and I won't be able to come.
Have a great time and hope the date is forever a special one as it has been for me.

@Treesandsheepeverywhere
As you said there could be a number of reasons spite among them, but what benefit comes from an ugly response when you cannot say with certainty that the choice had anything to do with you? Ugly for the sake of ugly is a very bad look for a mature adult.

How is it an ugly response? It's just wishing her well and letting her know she and the kids can't make it.
It's rising above it as IF done in spite, the MIL would expect OP to sulk, cause a scene or worse.
So the best thing to do is to wish her well and let it be.

@Treesandsheepeverywhere
It's ugly because it is meant to be passive aggressive and there is no good intentions behind the message.
A person intent on managing their life with dignity would say nothing and feel nothing. If they needed solace, the could console themselves by saying " well I didn't invite her to my wedding either. "

I’m leaving it fully in the hands of my husband. My mum thinks I should go but she’s obsessed with what people think about us. Personally I rarely see his family outside of his mother so I’m not fussed what they think of me. Husband still has no idea if it’s a small wedding and who is invited. At this point I’m assuming just he will go.

And going forward it will always be her anniversary not OPs birthday

As a parent of ND kids (although not as severe/dependant as yours) I get it.

I think you are doing the right thing letting DH go if he wants and not considering going yourself or taking the kids. I would also be taking massive step back from the cosit9ng her from now on - and dh can square that one.

I'd be disappointed if DH went and as such blew out your birthday... as ND parents we face so many additional challenges and birthdays and other milestones are important because they are often the ONLY time we get to have something for us in all the mayhem that is our children. I would HOPE he said to his mother sorry that's OPs birthday and we have plans already... or at the very least make the effort to be home when the kids come back from school rather than being away for your whole day. I know you get it but it's just one more chip in a relationship compromised and challenged enough isn't it... part of the reason why many partnerships with SEND/ND kids don't survive...

@Mari9999, it's not normal yo feel nothing, especially with the history OP has with MIL.

@Auntiegaston, good idea yo leave it with your husband.
If you don't see the other family much then it makes it easier not to go.

@Treesandsheepeverywhere
It is normal to feel many things. It is also normal to control our feelings. There is no need to be spouting or delivering passive aggressive messages particularly in a situation where the other parties actions simply mirrors your actions in a similar situation.

What good would come from the OP delivering that message. Is she bent on some kind of retaliatory behavior? The relationship with MIL and the OP is dysfunctional enough no additional fuel is needed.

Controlling your feelings is different to 'not feeling anything' as you said ealier.
OP is happy to let her DH deal with it, so that's sorted.

Very boring update….MIL did say DH and me were both invited to the wedding. In the last day or so, she’s said would the kids want to come (they’re all in school and totally disinterested in a late invite). DH is going but likely I won’t as the meal isn’t until 1pm and the venue is an hour and a half away from where we live so we stand no chance of getting back in time for the kids and one has to have an adult home.

Sorry, but how can you expect her to invite you to her wedding, when you didn’t invite her to yours?!

Read the fucking thread!!

She is invited. And it was her DH's mother that HE didnt invite to HIS wedding. Loving the assumption that it was the OP's decision, says a lot about you....