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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

MIL, passive aggressive behaviour and her wedding

281 replies

Auntiegaston · 19/09/2023 20:41

MIL has been with her partner for 20 years and they’ve decided to get married. She rang my DH and it turns out the date they’ve booked is my birthday (a milestone birthday) which falls on a weekday. Apparently she remembered it was my birthday and there were a few other dates but this was the cheapest. She told my DH after it was booked.

She’s invited my DH (who she wants to give her away) but it’s not clear whether the kids or me are invited. It’s not easy for me to get time off work as I work in a term time only role so I don’t get holiday. We also have kids with Sen and aside from my mum we wouldn’t have anyone to be there when they got home (they attend a specialist provision). MIL hasn’t asked if anyone will be home to see the kids in and the meal after is booked for lunchtime and the venue is an hour and a half away. So I assume she doesn’t want me to go.

DH has a sibling but they have no children and a flexible job. MIL’s partner’s sibling we’ve never been invited to meet only has his kids every other weekend so it’s not an issue.

We’ve had issues in the past as she’s been quite passive aggressive towards me (would ignore me and only talk to my DH, would offer only him food and drink when we went to see her etc). We did get married without her but we married with two friends as witnesses as the kids would’ve found even a small wedding too much so they stayed with my mum and we didn’t think it fair to invite one parent when the other couldn’t come.

In short, are we right to be a bit cross and hurt? They’re not short of money and a weekend would’ve only cost an extra £100.

OP posts:
Highlyflavouredgravy · 19/09/2023 20:44

You reap what you sow. She didn't get to her son marry, you don't get invited to her wedding.

Aquamarine1029 · 19/09/2023 20:45

Cross about what? You don't really care for her so I don't see what the problem is. Her getting married on your birthday is irrelevant.

Hufflepods · 19/09/2023 20:46

You literally say your kids would find attending a small wedding too much so you didn’t invite them to your own wedding so why would MIL having hers on a weekend make any difference?

I don’t really think it’s a massive deal for her to have a tiny wedding ceremony and lunch with her own grown up kids.

skippy67 · 19/09/2023 20:47

You didn't invite her to your wedding. You don't like her. She doesn't like you. So why are you cross?

TakeMe2Insanity · 19/09/2023 20:48

I’d be relieved, it sounds like she’s taken the children into consideration, and your logistics. Take it with good grace. Plus you don’t like her!

barbieofswanlake · 19/09/2023 20:48

Am I missing something? It's not irrelevant if it means her DH will be otherwise engaged on her milestone birthday.

Aquamarine1029 · 19/09/2023 20:49

barbieofswanlake · 19/09/2023 20:48

Am I missing something? It's not irrelevant if it means her DH will be otherwise engaged on her milestone birthday.

He'll be gone for lunch. They can do something in the evening.

MummBRaaarrrTheEverLeaking · 19/09/2023 20:53

Ok, so OP didn't invite MIL to her wedding. She didn't invite her own mother either!

Fine, she can get married on a weekday. That might mean the OP won't be able to come and by the way MIL treats her I doubt she's fussed. But to know it was OPs birthday, even mentioning she knew but booked it anyway? That's not reap what you sow, that's spiteful. Cheapest date my arse.

Did she know it was a milestone birthday OP?

Italianita · 19/09/2023 20:53

This reply has been deleted

This has been deleted by MNHQ for breaking our Talk Guidelines.

Isthiscorrect · 19/09/2023 20:54

@Aquamarine1029

He'll be gone for lunch. They can do something in the evening*
*
I rather get the impression that MIL will ensure DH doesn't get home in time to take OP out. OP may have wanted a weekend away or a party and now she will have to do without her DH or not have he celebration she's entitled to. Let's be honest MIL knew exactly what she was doing.

Highlyflavouredgravy · 19/09/2023 20:55

barbieofswanlake · 19/09/2023 20:48

Am I missing something? It's not irrelevant if it means her DH will be otherwise engaged on her milestone birthday.

When the op will be at work as she has a inflexible job

Highlyflavouredgravy · 19/09/2023 20:55

Isthiscorrect · 19/09/2023 20:54

@Aquamarine1029

He'll be gone for lunch. They can do something in the evening*
*
I rather get the impression that MIL will ensure DH doesn't get home in time to take OP out. OP may have wanted a weekend away or a party and now she will have to do without her DH or not have he celebration she's entitled to. Let's be honest MIL knew exactly what she was doing.

Why won't she get a weekend away? The wedding is on a weekday

skippy67 · 19/09/2023 20:56

Highlyflavouredgravy · 19/09/2023 20:55

When the op will be at work as she has a inflexible job

Show quote history

Exactly.

Aquamarine1029 · 19/09/2023 20:57

Isthiscorrect · 19/09/2023 20:54

@Aquamarine1029

He'll be gone for lunch. They can do something in the evening*
*
I rather get the impression that MIL will ensure DH doesn't get home in time to take OP out. OP may have wanted a weekend away or a party and now she will have to do without her DH or not have he celebration she's entitled to. Let's be honest MIL knew exactly what she was doing.

Rubbish. Ensure it how? Chain him to the floor? If any of that happens, it's on her husband, not her MIL. Her husband has agency over his own life and he can make his own choices. If he chooses to spend the entire day with his mother and not spend time with the op on her birthday, that's on him.

barbieofswanlake · 19/09/2023 20:58

He'll be gone for lunch. They can do something in the evening

@Aquamarine1029 that's not really clear though is it? Meal is booked at lunchtime at a venue and hour and a half away. It's a wedding celebration, unlikely to be done and dusted in a short time! Meanwhile op has no break from the kids, on her milestone birthday!

Ragwort · 19/09/2023 20:58

Why are you cross and hurt - you don't like her, you didn't invite her to your wedding, you can't get the time off work anyway Confused.
Sounds like you are looking for a reason to be annoyed, just be grateful you don't have to go and you and DH can celebrate your birthday at the weekend.

Italianita · 19/09/2023 20:59

This reply has been deleted

This has been deleted by MNHQ for breaking our Talk Guidelines.

minipeony · 19/09/2023 20:59

TakeMe2Insanity · 19/09/2023 20:48

I’d be relieved, it sounds like she’s taken the children into consideration, and your logistics. Take it with good grace. Plus you don’t like her!

This

whatwasthatgrandma · 19/09/2023 21:02

barbieofswanlake · 19/09/2023 20:48

Am I missing something? It's not irrelevant if it means her DH will be otherwise engaged on her milestone birthday.

for lunch, basically. On a weekday, when OP will be working anyway. So what?

Gabby8 · 19/09/2023 21:04

YNBU to be hurt in the sense that it’s pretty obvious she doesn’t want you there and of course it’s disappointing your husband will miss a milestone birthday.

That being said YABU in the sense that you clearly don’t like her very much so sounds like you should just be relieved. If you have to work anyway I take it you are celebrating another day?

lolcoCoobn · 19/09/2023 21:19

YANBU - if you really want someone at your wedding surely you check whether they're available first?
If she didn't bother to check, then your DH is within his rights to refuse.
It's not like she can't change it easily. Meal doesn't have to be the same day. Call them up 'I'd like to change the date please' job done. And it's silly for an adult child to be giving their mother away to a partner of 20 years - if said mother doesn't respect her son's own marriage.
I think she just wants to rub your nose in it personally.

tokennamechange · 19/09/2023 21:19

so you'll be working anyway in your inflexible job, so it's not as though you'd be going out for lunch with your DH to celebrate your birthday
Doesn't sound as if you like her much and would even particularly want to go to her wedding even if you weren't working
Venue's only 90mins away so DH will be able to get home in time for when you finish work and you can celebrate then
You didn't invite her to your wedding
Your kids wouldn't be able to go to the wedding anyway (have school/unable to cope)
Am I missing something because I'm really not sure what the issue is?

If she wasn't getting married that day what would you realistically be doing that you can't once DH has come home and you've finished work?

MrsTerryPratchett · 19/09/2023 21:24

Sounds great. What's the issue.

AnneLovesGilbert · 19/09/2023 21:28

tokennamechange · 19/09/2023 21:19

so you'll be working anyway in your inflexible job, so it's not as though you'd be going out for lunch with your DH to celebrate your birthday
Doesn't sound as if you like her much and would even particularly want to go to her wedding even if you weren't working
Venue's only 90mins away so DH will be able to get home in time for when you finish work and you can celebrate then
You didn't invite her to your wedding
Your kids wouldn't be able to go to the wedding anyway (have school/unable to cope)
Am I missing something because I'm really not sure what the issue is?

If she wasn't getting married that day what would you realistically be doing that you can't once DH has come home and you've finished work?

☝️

worriedatwork123 · 19/09/2023 21:29

i was kinda with you until you said she wasn't invited to your wedding- how hurtful, I'd be devastated

no wonder the relationship has soured

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