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Original poster

MIL, passive aggressive behaviour and her wedding

281 replies

Auntiegaston · 19/09/2023 20:41

MIL has been with her partner for 20 years and they’ve decided to get married. She rang my DH and it turns out the date they’ve booked is my birthday (a milestone birthday) which falls on a weekday. Apparently she remembered it was my birthday and there were a few other dates but this was the cheapest. She told my DH after it was booked.

She’s invited my DH (who she wants to give her away) but it’s not clear whether the kids or me are invited. It’s not easy for me to get time off work as I work in a term time only role so I don’t get holiday. We also have kids with Sen and aside from my mum we wouldn’t have anyone to be there when they got home (they attend a specialist provision). MIL hasn’t asked if anyone will be home to see the kids in and the meal after is booked for lunchtime and the venue is an hour and a half away. So I assume she doesn’t want me to go.

DH has a sibling but they have no children and a flexible job. MIL’s partner’s sibling we’ve never been invited to meet only has his kids every other weekend so it’s not an issue.

We’ve had issues in the past as she’s been quite passive aggressive towards me (would ignore me and only talk to my DH, would offer only him food and drink when we went to see her etc). We did get married without her but we married with two friends as witnesses as the kids would’ve found even a small wedding too much so they stayed with my mum and we didn’t think it fair to invite one parent when the other couldn’t come.

In short, are we right to be a bit cross and hurt? They’re not short of money and a weekend would’ve only cost an extra £100.

OP posts:
Intelligenthair · 20/09/2023 01:20

If you are able to get time off termtime for a birthday lunch, you are able to get time off to go to their wedding. So you’re being disingenuous there.

PyongyangKipperbang · 20/09/2023 01:28

Intelligenthair · 20/09/2023 01:20

If you are able to get time off termtime for a birthday lunch, you are able to get time off to go to their wedding. So you’re being disingenuous there.

Given that the OP hasnt said that she works in an educational setting, why assume she cant have lunch?

PP on this thread have posted that they/others work TTO in jobs that are not in schools. I have been able to negotiate longer lunch breaks occassionally by making up time elsewhere, so who are you to assume that she hasnt done that?

Gymnopedie · 20/09/2023 01:35

OP the reason he won't see his mum without you is because he's using you as a human shield. He knows that if he goes on his own he'll be the one to catch the flak, but if you're there it deflects on to you and he doesn't have to deal with it.

So he won't stand up for you, and he's happy to make you the sacrificial lamb. The business of the wedding has tipped you over because it's the last straw. You don't have to see her if you don't want to. Tell him you won't be going again, and whether he sees her or not is up to him. But don't let him force you into putting up with behaviour he won't put up with for himself.

Mummumgem · 20/09/2023 01:43

Highlyflavouredgravy · 19/09/2023 20:44

You reap what you sow. She didn't get to her son marry, you don't get invited to her wedding.

It was her sons wedding too and he’s invited

Mummumgem · 20/09/2023 01:49

You say it’s not clear if you’re invited, I would therefore assume you are, who invites one half of a couple, especially so close family.

get your husband to mention that you’re getting time off work and the children are so excited to be part of the wedding

if she says only he is invited, I’m sorry I would expect my husband to say no, we’re a complete family unit it’s all or nothing 🤷🏼‍♀️

Grumpy101 · 20/09/2023 02:54

Let your DH deal with it entirely. Don't console him, don't minimise how you feel, don't step in and sort it for him. Leave it to him and you carry on. You can celebrate your bday at the weekend.

JennyJenny8675309 · 20/09/2023 03:12

If she had invited you, you wouldn’t want to go, so problem avoided.

Codlingmoths · 20/09/2023 03:45

Tell him it will at least be good practice for all the visiting his mum on his own that he will be doing from now on

autienotnaughty · 20/09/2023 03:49

From the way you describe her I wouldn't want to be involved in any part of her life . I wouldn't go to the wedding and I would stop visiting her

keeponandonandon · 20/09/2023 04:18

You said you would find it difficult to get the time off as you work term time only but are annoyed she's booked it on your milestone birthday.

I would be pretty hurt that I wasn't invited to my sons wedding so maybe she has done it to spite you. However, you're not free anyway whether it's for your birthday or her wedding so it's a non issue!

IncognitoMam · 20/09/2023 04:33

I'd take it as a win. I wouldn't be visiting her anyway. Dh would go alone.
I'd celebrate my birthday with friends. Go away and let dh look after dcs.

Olika · 20/09/2023 04:38

This reply has been deleted

This has been deleted by MNHQ for breaking our Talk Guidelines.

Exactly

Stupendousseptember · 20/09/2023 06:14

The issue I think is op wants to do something nice on her bday and she can't because mil is getting marrows

yogasaurus · 20/09/2023 06:19

it’s not clear whether the kids or me are invited.

If your kids wouldn’t have been able to deal with attending your own wedding, why would they attend another?

You didn’t invite them; they’re not inviting you.

That’s fine; yabu to be upset.

Soontobe60 · 20/09/2023 06:33

MummBRaaarrrTheEverLeaking · 19/09/2023 20:53

Ok, so OP didn't invite MIL to her wedding. She didn't invite her own mother either!

Fine, she can get married on a weekday. That might mean the OP won't be able to come and by the way MIL treats her I doubt she's fussed. But to know it was OPs birthday, even mentioning she knew but booked it anyway? That's not reap what you sow, that's spiteful. Cheapest date my arse.

Did she know it was a milestone birthday OP?

Why is it spiteful? They’re getting married and having lunch. The OP said she would be working anyway, so I’m pretty certain she won’t be out celebrating her ‘milestone’ birthday on the actual day!

Soontobe60 · 20/09/2023 06:34

Stupendousseptember · 20/09/2023 06:14

The issue I think is op wants to do something nice on her bday and she can't because mil is getting marrows

No, she can’t because she’s at work!

RampantIvy · 20/09/2023 06:41

I’m probably being unreasonable but I’m getting fed up with having to have visits with someone who pulls shit like this

So don’t go.

my DH doesn’t ever want to visit her on his own. I’ve said I’m fed up of being dragged to visit her when she’s not overly nice

So don’t go. Tell him to put his big boy pants on and go on his own. If he won’t challenge his mum’s behaviour towards you he needs to understand why you don’t want to visit her. If my MIL had tried to pull the stunts that your MIL does DH would have had stern words with her.

TheFireflies · 20/09/2023 06:43

yogasaurus · 20/09/2023 06:19

it’s not clear whether the kids or me are invited.

If your kids wouldn’t have been able to deal with attending your own wedding, why would they attend another?

You didn’t invite them; they’re not inviting you.

That’s fine; yabu to be upset.

this. It doesn’t sound like something your kids would enjoy even if they did manage to cope with it now. It doesn’t sound like something you’d enjoy.

If DH goes, just plan something nice for your birthday at the weekend.

Hardbackwriter · 20/09/2023 06:47

PyongyangKipperbang · 20/09/2023 01:12

Why was it nasty to not invite MIL when the OP couldnt have her own mother there as she was looking after her kids who wouldnt have coped with a tiny wedding? The OP was thinking about other people on her wedding day, her kids and her mother. MIL thinks about that day only in terms of herself, which says everything we need to know about her. She doesnt even care about her grandchildren ffs.

Also, why do parents think that they have a right to see their children married?!

As long as my children have the wedding day they want, if they want one at all, I do not assume I have a right to be there. Would I want to be there? Yes, if I could be. But would I hold a many years long grudge if they chose to elope or have a tiny "2 witnesses" ceremony? Of course not. In fact out of all of my children, the one I can imagine getting married the most is DD1. Her partner is autistic and doesnt deal with big events well. She hates being centre of attention and both are far too sensible to spend vast amounts of money on a party, so now I think about it, I would imagine that they would have a very very small wedding and I wouldnt assume at all that I would be there.

A mother who has the wedding she knows is best for her children is a far better mother than one who spitefully leaves her childs wife and kids out of her own big day just to get one back.

Show quote history

I agree that OP and her DH had the right to get married in the way and at the time they wanted to without reference to how their families would feel about it. What I don't understand is why MIL doesn't have the same right?

BethDuttonsTwin · 20/09/2023 06:47

In short, are we right to be a bit cross and hurt? They’re not short of money and a weekend would’ve only cost an extra £100.

No, you're not. It's rather petty what she's done and I wouldn't do it myself - I like an apology and to move on when it comes to family tensions - but it sounds like she was very hurt over your wedding choices. You got the wedding you wanted, she's entitled to the wedding of her choice.

StoneWashJeansWithAMatchingJacket · 20/09/2023 06:48

I wouldn’t be waiting around to figure out if I was invited (doesn’t sound like you are) and make plans for my birthday accordingly. Get a takeaway with my kids and mum, plan something for the weekend after that includes husband, job done. I know it’s a big birthday but it’s midweek anyway and sounds like you won’t be able to get time off for it on the day. Yes, it’s shitty of MIL to do this, but I’ve found best thing to with people like that is to not rise to it. Pisses over their chips more than making a fuss does.

Marchitectmummy · 20/09/2023 06:56

You don't like your mother in law, she doesn't like you so this is all about who wins the prize of your husband for the day. Ridiculous.

Give your husband a break and celebrate at the weekend or day before or the evening when he's back and let him go to the wedding without all of this nonsense.

WhisperingHi · 20/09/2023 06:56

For me, it wouldn't be a big deal.

You mention you were going to go to lunch on your birthday, but you're working a term time job so how would that have worked?

Your DH should go, that's his mum. Then celebrate your birthday at the weekend. No big deal.

Your family relations sound sad and passive aggressive. You get one life, don't make it harder for yourself and loved ones. Move on.

PrinceHaz · 20/09/2023 06:58

Auntiegaston · 19/09/2023 22:58

@kweeble, my DH doesn’t ever want to visit her on his own. I’ve said I’m fed up of being dragged to visit her when she’s not overly nice.

You really do not have to visit her. Be strong and tell your husband you don’t want to. Stick with your decision regardless of his reaction. Maybe scale it back so you go about a quarter of the times you’ve been going.

DsTTy · 20/09/2023 07:00

One of the issues here is you. You’ve sat at MILs miserable putting up with poor behaviour aimed at you as you’d rather do that than assert your own boundaries. Now you’re putting yourself second yet again. If you don’t want your husband to go and you’re hurt by your MILs behaviour you need to communicate this clearly to your husband,