MIL, passive aggressive behaviour and her wedding

[Auntiegaston]

MIL has been with her partner for 20 years and they’ve decided to get married. She rang my DH and it turns out the date they’ve booked is my birthday (a milestone birthday) which falls on a weekday. Apparently she remembered it was my birthday and there were a few other dates but this was the cheapest. She told my DH after it was booked.

She’s invited my DH (who she wants to give her away) but it’s not clear whether the kids or me are invited. It’s not easy for me to get time off work as I work in a term time only role so I don’t get holiday. We also have kids with Sen and aside from my mum we wouldn’t have anyone to be there when they got home (they attend a specialist provision). MIL hasn’t asked if anyone will be home to see the kids in and the meal after is booked for lunchtime and the venue is an hour and a half away. So I assume she doesn’t want me to go.

DH has a sibling but they have no children and a flexible job. MIL’s partner’s sibling we’ve never been invited to meet only has his kids every other weekend so it’s not an issue.

We’ve had issues in the past as she’s been quite passive aggressive towards me (would ignore me and only talk to my DH, would offer only him food and drink when we went to see her etc). We did get married without her but we married with two friends as witnesses as the kids would’ve found even a small wedding too much so they stayed with my mum and we didn’t think it fair to invite one parent when the other couldn’t come.

In short, are we right to be a bit cross and hurt? They’re not short of money and a weekend would’ve only cost an extra £100.

Then your DH needs to say sorry I'm busy it's OP's 40th or whatever.

Or make plans around the wedding timings

So what you have told us is that you aren't actually not invited and you could actually attend MIL's wedding if you choose to rearrange your work days (which is completely possible). I do understand why you're hurt by your MIL's 'passive aggressive behaviour' but bearing in mind all the backstory it feels like you have quite unrealistic expectations of the level MIL should take your diary into account considering you're not close.

Talking of passive aggression - the kind of comments that are often made in a passive aggressive way (when the speaker doesn't genuinely feel they are wrong) are things cropping up on this thread like:
'it's obviously all my fault'
'I'm not sure what more I could do'
'I'm clearly very wrong'
'I stupidly thought [that weddings are about families] etc

Do you see the irony?

As MIL has not mentioned the kids coming to the wedding, I had broadly assumed they weren’t invited as it’s a school day. I could be wrong.

I don’t feel I’m being passive aggressive when asking what should I have done? I’m not sure how better to be put it in writing. Regarding my wedding the one suggestion was the grandma’s tag teaming but it wouldn’t have worked. I’m genuinely not sure what more I was meant to do.

I’m saying if people disagree I’m obviously in the wrong. It’s not passive aggressive when you’re agreeing is it?!

But I appreciate the wisdom of mumsnet and I’ll reap what I’ve sowed.

So why invite him? It was his wedding and he didn't invite her

Personally I think he shouldn't go out of loyalty to you and the way you've been treated

How much has he spoken to her about it in the past?

Congratulations, MIL, have a fantastic day and I look forward to seeing the photos’. That will piss her off more than anything else you could possibly do or say.

You don’t think a Mother should consider her son’s schedule when planning her registry wedding if she wants him to attend?

I don’t know why you’re bothered, to be honest. Sounds like you were planning to work that day anyway even though it’s your big birthday. She missed your wedding, you don’t love each other much, you miss her wedding.

The only thing I’d insist on is your husband being around after work/wedding to take you and the kids for a nice meal. That’ll teach her.

This
I picked up this in your posts . You seem to want to play the victim. Your posts have passive aggressive wordings
and the poor me syndrome. And a bit of sarcasm thrown in too .

Then stop going.

If he stands by while she treats you like shit then you don't owe either of them anything

And you have a DH problem not a MiL problem

Even women blame women for everything. So it’s not his doing, it’s the OP’s.

His own mother is obviously manipulating him and he’s allowing it. So clearly he bears no responsibility for anything.

Because circumstances are different?

I don't think you're wrong at all

But this is aibu and I swear there are some who just immediately take the opposing view to the OP and however many explanations/reasons there are, they absolutely must paint the OP as wrong

Yes part of the problem has been my DH and him not saying anything. His defence is that you can’t control people and they’ll be how they will be. We’ve cut down the visits. He still wants me to go to keep the peace as he doesn’t want a full argument with his mother and thinks for the minimal amount of visits just to get on with it.

@Tourmalines, actually yes some days I do feel poor me. I chose to have my children yes but their disabilities we couldn’t predict and life is very difficult. My future will be a long term carer. For definite for one if not more. So it does hurt when family don’t bother and exclude you. Or that’s how it feels. If my posts come across as passive aggressive that’s not how they’re intended. I’ve merely asked in certain situations what I’m meant to do. I would never want to hurt or upset a family member and I try to make choices where as many people as possible are happy but not when it stresses my children out.

Would you allow yourself to be treated badly by a friend OP ?

Why on earth are you still visiting this awful woman,who treats you badly ?

Stand up to your useless Husband and say. .. absolutely no more visits to your mother from me.

She's got no interest in her grandchildren, treats you in a dismissive way, what have you got to lose ?

Of course she booked that date on purpose.

Let this be your defining moment, no more treating me like a doormat !

From what you say your Mother supports you and her Grandchildren, she therfore should be acknowledged for that.

Do nothing for that other person...no cards etc.

Take this as the gift that it is- you have been given permission not to be involved at all, so don't be! Put your focus into your birthday plans for the weekend (or even have something on both weekends?)

That definitely sounds like a spiteful/PA move from your MIL - quite cringeworthy really.

I would just try my hardest to re-frame this into a positive. You will now have the weekend to celebrate your milestone birthday for a start, so can celebrate it properly. You won't be able to go [and probably be treated poorly] to the wedding due to work and childcare arrangements.

Your MIL has shown you who she is yet again - this should help you drop the rope and start enforcing your boundaries. It is not ok that she treats you poorly when you visit - stop visiting or only go every few visits (and make it clear to your DH that you are doing it for him and if he allows poor treatment there won't be a next time).

My DH used to not stand up to his parents (it was him they treated poorly rather than me directly - but it definitely effect me and our DC). Eventually I enforced my boundaries properly and stopped caring what they thought and whether I made things 'difficult' for DH. I completely avoided mentioning them too. That seemed to flick a switch in DH and he started standing up for himself, for us and enforcing his own boundaries. Life it much better.

How come your dc couldn't attend your wedding but could go to the celebratory meal the next week? Just being nosy...

OP I get the heaviness of being a long term carer. Your MIL has made it clear that she isn't that interested, so you need to stop hoping/expecting inclusion. Some grandparents simply aren't that interested. Invest in the small village you do have instead.

This is a very side issue, but I get shocked/surprised when adults set aside their birthday day (and even some take a whole week!) and act like it's a sacred date that everyone needs to plan around. A wedding would definitely trump a birthday for me.

The whole thing is baffling. You don't know if you're not invited to a wedding of a person you don't really like, that you probably can't go to anyway because you're working and weddings are for family even though you didn't invite any to yours?

Tell husband to be sure to be home in time to celebrate your birthday after work. Never visit MIL again.

Job done

It’s a weird set up, she doesn’t offer you lunch when you visit is plain rude. Your husband could give her away and stay for her a hour sand say I’m going to spend the rest of the day with my wife as it’s her special birthday. If your both working he could say as my wife’s not invited I’m not coming either. She wasn’t invited to your wedding so it could be tit for tat but she’s punishing you and not your husband. I’d maybe sit down and have a chat and resolve things or things are going to be awkward forever!

" MIL hasn’t even asked if someone will able to come in and see the kids."

You hardly see her so is it possible that she doesn't really know about the daily ins and outs of your childcare routines?

Your DH hasn't asked his own mother if his wife and kids are invited to her wedding?

Why? Some people want a small wedding with as little fanfare as possible. It's not about what the in-laws want but nor is it intended as a personal affront.

The MiL is, of course, perfectly at liberty to exercise the same choice for herself but here's where this differs. The OP and her DH married with only two other people present. They didn't discriminate but chose the option they believed best for themselves, for the reasons they see fit. MiL, on the other hand, is passively aggressively issuing selective invitations. If this is a 'tit for tat' response, it really is exceptionally childish.

OP, why would you want to go? In your shoes I'd view the lack of invitation as a positive gift.

You say it's unclear if you and your children are invited. Presumably if you could get the time off and bring them you would be invited, but you didn't even have them at your own wedding (because they're a handful and wouldn't enjoy it) so I'd say going by previous events everyone's thinking you and the children won't come.
As for the timing of the wedding that's entirely down to them. I seriously doubt that date has been chosen just because it's your birthday. You didn't have your own parents, children or PILs at your wedding so I'd imagine you're not particularly sentimental about these sorts of things and are more of a practical person.They've chosen a practical option for themselves.
If you're that bothered about celebrating/attending 'occasions' ask your parents if they'll have kids overnight from school. Get dressed up, join OH and spend a night in a hotel and have a day out and lunch on Saturday before collecting the kids.

Please stop letting this eat at you. Its not worth your energy.

Your MIL doesn't understand the issues you have daily dealing with you family, the stresses, the anxiety points etc. Because she has hardly been involved with you and the children. She's just doesn't get it.

You don't have a close relationship for whatever reasons. And that sounds like a good thing as would she be a support if more involved in your life ? Doesn't sound like it - sounds like she'd cause more hassle for you.

She might be being awkward with her wedding to "get back " at you. But maybe she's got stuff going on and this wedding fits with her and her husband to be (e.g. getting married due to health issues, financial purposes, don't see the point of expense on a wedding just want to be married, want it simple).

Some weddings are practical, not to have family/friend celebrations - and you know that with your own wedding
But just because you wanted to celebrate with more people doesn't mean others want to for their wedding.

If you are lonely seek out parent groups whose young people have SEND/disabilities. They'll get it, I find the peer support so valuable.

(I have children with physical disabilities and autism, ADHD and other medical issues - i sympathise. We can't always make family events, sometimes we don't get asked as we are "hassle" with accessibility, ending space for feeding/rest etc.

My in-laws got married when they were in their 50's with none of their children there. My husband was hurt to not be there, but his parents wanted to get married, with little planning, with no fuss, with their closest friends as witnesses and then go home and drink red wine).

@SerafinasGoose i think you can still have a wedding without fuss and fanfare and invite your own mother. It's terribly hurtful.

Unless a parent was abusive/ terrible childhood or against the marriage and gonna make a scene, I i can't think of any acceptable reason to not invite your mother. May not be a big deal to OP but seems was a big deal to her MIL

and yes a marriage is not it's all about the parents etc but i'm not sure i completely go with what the bride wants they get - if you are a kind person you consider others