MIL, passive aggressive behaviour and her wedding

[Auntiegaston]

MIL has been with her partner for 20 years and they’ve decided to get married. She rang my DH and it turns out the date they’ve booked is my birthday (a milestone birthday) which falls on a weekday. Apparently she remembered it was my birthday and there were a few other dates but this was the cheapest. She told my DH after it was booked.

She’s invited my DH (who she wants to give her away) but it’s not clear whether the kids or me are invited. It’s not easy for me to get time off work as I work in a term time only role so I don’t get holiday. We also have kids with Sen and aside from my mum we wouldn’t have anyone to be there when they got home (they attend a specialist provision). MIL hasn’t asked if anyone will be home to see the kids in and the meal after is booked for lunchtime and the venue is an hour and a half away. So I assume she doesn’t want me to go.

DH has a sibling but they have no children and a flexible job. MIL’s partner’s sibling we’ve never been invited to meet only has his kids every other weekend so it’s not an issue.

We’ve had issues in the past as she’s been quite passive aggressive towards me (would ignore me and only talk to my DH, would offer only him food and drink when we went to see her etc). We did get married without her but we married with two friends as witnesses as the kids would’ve found even a small wedding too much so they stayed with my mum and we didn’t think it fair to invite one parent when the other couldn’t come.

In short, are we right to be a bit cross and hurt? They’re not short of money and a weekend would’ve only cost an extra £100.

1. A milestone birthday is important and it's okay for you to be upset about your MIL picking that day. I agree it's deliberately passive-aggressive.
2. It's okay for you to dislike your MIL. I would in your shoes.
3. It's not okay for your DH to force you to keep meeting her when she is so rude and antagonistic.

I could swap my work days around if needed though the day she has picked isn’t ideal and she knows I work on that day. My mum could travel in to be with the kids though she has her own commitments and MIL hasn’t even asked if there will be someone here for the kids. And no they can’t stay at home on their own.

I think I’ve probably given it too much headspace. Her behaviour really bothered me when I first started seeing my DH and then over time I’ve let it go as she clearly doesn’t want the kind of relationship I’d like. I’ll disengage and let my DH sort it all. When she decides to visit the kids don’t usually want to see her and I push them to come and say hello but I think going forward, I won’t bother and DH can if he wants. When I met DH, she was a single mum and my DH was a bit like a stand in husband as she lent quite heavily on him.

And this is the problem with mid week weddings. The bride and groom do it to save a few £, yet it inconveniences virtually 100% of the guests.
The mil sounds unpleasant but, you excluded her from your wedding however you want to justify it. She us treating you the same. Celebrate your birthday at the weekend. Stop making any effort with her. Just live your life. You can’t change her.

That's disingenuous. If you really thought weddings were for families you'd have made yours work do both families could be there. (the grannies could have tag-teamed the childcare, for eg)

You have to accept that you have an antipathy towards each other and move on. And fgs, you're a grown woman: if you don't want to visit her, don't

I don't know why your H hasn't asked who is invited! It seems they are unable to communicate.

For me she probably is being spiteful to pick your big birthday if she is inviting DH and not you, but the best way you can deflect that is by planning something else and really not giving a shit. She might see it as a power move but you don't have to.

You are SUCH a hypocrite. Weddings are about "celebrating with your family"... except when it suits you? And why should your mil sort out the logistics of your attendance for you? You'd probably have accused her of meddling if she'd tried to.

I'd love to hear her side of the story...

Well for a start, stop visiting her. So what if your dh doesn’t want to go alone, you don’t want to go at all, why does what he want overrule what you want? He wants to see his mum, he can go.

I’d completely ignore the fact she’s booked the wedding on a weekend at which makes it difficult for you to attend or the fact it’s on your birthday, she’s maybe wanting a reaction from you, don’t give it to her, do something nice with the dc, your dh choice how much he is there for

Why do you keep saying MIL hasn't asked who is looking after the kids! They're not her responsibility. Your mum can either look after them or not, it's simple.

@harriethoyle, well then call me a hypocrite. Fair enough. We tried taking our children (they were toddlers then) to the venue so they could see it and it was carnage. MIL has never chosen to spend time with the kids so wouldn’t have been able to look after them. So tag teaming was not an option. But I wasn’t in a position to make adjustments however much I wanted to.
My MIL is. She has a choice. Aside from not getting married I didn’t have a choice on my wedding. Would I have loved to celebrate with family? Yes I would and we had a small celebration where everyone was invited including MIL the weekend after we got married.

Everyone has choices but my choices are much more limited because my children are neurodiverse.

It is hurtful because small adjustments cost nothing for most people and make a big difference to us. I’ve spent all of my kids life watching them being excluded. And it hurts that this time it’s family doing it. And yes MIL’s wedding will cost my DH a day of annual leave which he usually takes so he’s around in the holidays with the kids. But it’s her wedding to do as she wish. She’s made her choices.

@Lahdedahiam, it’s the fact it’s not been asked about. She knows my DH will go as he’s her son but someone has to be here for the kids. The timings make it impossible for us to get back for them so it feels like she doesn’t want me there. Yes the kids are our responsibility but as her only grandchildren you think she’d give a bit of a crap that we had childcare of some kind. Or maybe she just doesn’t want me to go.

You don't want to go, why are you being so offended? You'd have thought of a way for her to he at your wedding if you'd wanted her there.

So you don't know if you've been invited, but if you have been, you wouldn't be able to go because of work/kids/both?

And you don't like how MIL has treated you over the years, but you're upset that she's chosen to get married on your birthday?

OK then...

AIBU to be devastated that I'm not invited to my son's wedding? He has dc with SEN and their other grandmother has offered to look after them during the wedding. I'm very hurt not to be included and I feel this is a PA way of excluding me from their family

Imagine this AIBU from the MIL at the the time. The majority of posters would be saying YANBU, and that the son and DIL would 'reap what you sow'. The MIL would be told not to offer any childcare and that the son and DIL are setting a precedent that the DILs family come first. There would be posters suggesting that twenty years down the line that the MIL should arrange a special day for her on a milestone birthday of the DIL, to teach them a lesson.

Okay. So I should’ve let my mum be hurt she couldn’t come to my wedding? What would people have suggested I do? I couldn’t invite one and not the other. My mum is more involved with the kids and would’ve been crushed if MIL had got an invite and she couldn’t come. We had a celebration for everyone the next weekend. I honestly do not know what more I could do.

My MIL’s pure reason (she says) for picking the day she had despite other days being available because it was cheaper for them. By a hundred quid. A weekday wedding is only £100 more expensive than a weekend.

No I don’t know if I’ve been invited or the kids as she hasn’t said. She’s asked my DH to give her away and that’s it. Yes they don’t communicate very well.

@feralunderclass, how would my mum come first? She was the one who had to look after the kids. If my MIL had come, she’d have been the one who’d have come first. And no we’ve never asked for childcare and it has never been offered not that we expect it. Our kids are ours to look after.

Like I say I’m hurt that she’s picked a date that makes it more difficult for me and the kids to go. But maybe that’s what she wants and it’s all my fault for taking her son away and getting married with no family there.

You are being hypocritical because you CHOSE not to invite MIL to your wedding whereas she hasn't actually not invited you to hers. She's just not organised things to make it fit for you.
Fair enough you had no choice but to have had a very small, low key wedding when you had yours and she wouldn't have wanted to attend anyway, but you didn't invite her at all! Ouch! That must have hurt her a lot even if she understood your reasons. That sort of hurt doesn't ever get forgotten.
Now all these years later you're really expecting her to choose her own wedding day to fit round your work schedule and childcare arrangements? Some double standards there.
I suggest putting on a big smile, give her many congratulations and explain you're not going to be able to attend but would like to take her and her dh for a celebratory meal at a time that suits

Seems there has been no effort on both sides of building up a relationship with the grandkids . They are probably like strangers to each other .

I invited her down to see us so many times and she never came.

We talked to all concerned about our wedding. I didn’t invite my mum. I’m not sure what people aren’t getting. How could I invite my mum and MIL? MIL probably would’ve come and that would’ve left my mum hurt as she wouldn’t have seen her only child get married. I’m not sure what more I could’ve done. We only had two witnesses and then a celebration after.

If MIL had anything to work around I’d understand. And I thought she’d want everyone there.

I’m very clearly wrong. I’ll let her get on with it and shelve feeling hurt.

I don’t think you’re wrong to have done your wedding your way. I do think it’s odd to be upset about not attending a shit midweek wedding of somebody you don’t particularly like, on your birthday.

You are definitely wrong in continuing to facilitate DH relationship with his mum by putting yourself in the firing line. He doesn’t get to order you to see her. If he can’t go alone, that’s his problem.

No, she could go because she can change her day and her mum can look after the children, but she's upset because MIL hasn't asked who is looking after the children. Even though the only person that can look after them is her mum!

Not inviting your parents to your wedding is a massive thing. I’d be gutted. I really don’t think you’ve got a leg to stand on when she returns the compliment.

@Auntiegaston at the time of this post, 57% of people think you are being unreasonable. Why not spend some time reflecting on that rather than repeatedly trying to justify your past behaviour whilst criticising MIL's current behaviour?

Weekend weddings are considerably more expensive. If they've been together so long they're probably thinking why spend all that money.
In a previous post you said you've not said you don't like her. But it's clear you don't, you don't need to actually say it. I wouldn't like her either. Your husband can go on his own and you can go out at the weekend with him.

I changed my mind after reading the details.

I think she did it on purpose and wants to pretend you don’t exist. Maybe because of you not inviting her to the registry but it seems already resented you and would treat anyone married to her son this way.

If I were her son I’d just say “No; that date doesn’t work for me.” It’s one thing to arrange this in order exclude you, another to do it purposely on your milestone birthday.

To confirm again the cost of a weekend wedding is £100 more. You can see it on the registry office website. Then they’re going to the pub for a meal. Pretty sure pubs don’t change their prices of a weekend.

@harriethoyle, I’m pointing out the reasons why things have been done. I’m pretty sure I’m allowed to express I’m hurt by her general behaviour.