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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Had a party for DS and one mum brings an extra kid along

313 replies

MadameameBeans · 19/09/2023 15:38

We had a birthday party in our garden recently for DS (8).
Bouncy castle and food and party bags, the usual.
He chose who he wanted there (set a limit of 12-15 because the whole class would be a bit much), and we ended up with 13 who could make it.

One mum (who we don't even know) turns up with her eldest (invited) and then his younger sibling (5 or 6 ish?) in tow. And seemed to think that was totally fine to bring him along, despite him not being invited, no other siblings were there or invited.

She just turned up in the garden and said "His younger brother is tagging along. Do you want me to stay with them or can I go?" I very Britishly didn't want to cause a scene and was so shocked and embarassed that I didn't know what to say, so they stayed.

AIBU to think that that's totally out of order to just turn up and ask permission when she got there? She didn't contact me beforehand to ask if it was ok, or even drop the invited child off and then take the other one to the park around the corner. She's not a friend, hadn't even met her before!

So there was just some random younger child my DS didn't know at his party and there was the expectation from her that he would eat the party food and join in with everything.

Thankfully he was well-behaved, but him and the mum looked a bit put out when I said at the end that there were only party bags for the children that had been invited and we didn't have any spares.

Oh and to add further insult when they left and DS was opening his gifts, it turned out they had only given a card and no present!
DS said that the invited kid had handed him the card at the start of the party and said "My mum didn't get you a present because she didn't know what you like".
(because nobody could possibly guess what an 8-year-old might like - lego, or a game or chocolate or whatever. (she could have asked either of her kids what they like. What a ridiculous excuse.)

So she brings an uninvited kid to the party and then doesn't even bring a gift. Who the hell does that?!

OP posts:
PickledFox · 19/09/2023 20:19

This wouldn’t bother me at all…What if she has no-one else to leave her other child with?

TinyKittenPaw · 19/09/2023 20:22

It’s rude. Twice i have been on my own with the kids and could only take and stay with the little one at the party if the older one came too. Both times I’ve messaged in advance to ask if it was ok (knowing that my older daughter is very well behaved) and i have stayed throughout. I would never have left both.

Original poster
MadameameBeans · 19/09/2023 20:23

PickledFox · 19/09/2023 20:19

This wouldn’t bother me at all…What if she has no-one else to leave her other child with?

She didn't have to stay at all. Only one of the other mothers did. So she could have left them with herself. Somewhere else.

OP posts:
whatwasthatgrandma · 19/09/2023 20:23

PickledFox · 19/09/2023 20:19

This wouldn’t bother me at all…What if she has no-one else to leave her other child with?

She stayed, but didn't need to. She had someone to leave her other child with...herself! She wanted to drop both or stay with both, when the real option was to leave one and take the other one away.

Helps to RTFT

Bunnycat101 · 19/09/2023 20:23

@PickledFox she didn’t need to leave her other child. She was free and available to take the kid home with her. I can see how it happens occasionally for reception parties where there are no alternatives re childcare but this wasn’t the case here at all.

katepilar · 19/09/2023 20:27

MadameameBeans · 19/09/2023 16:26

"I feel like there's key info there that should have been mentioned earlier, not 40 posts later."

I mean I literally said that in the third paragraph of the original post. I said that she offered to either go and leave both kids there, or stay and look after the younger one, and she ended up staying (because I was too shy to make a fuss) so I'm not sure what "key" info you think I was hiding?

(she didn't do anything to look after the younger one, just sat on the outdoor sofa yacking away to the other mum that stayed.)

Edited

You didnt say in the OP you actually told her to stay and look after her younger child.

Anyway, she is a CF and had I been in your shoes I wish I was able to tell her either a straight No, he is not, or make a very puzzled face and say What do you mean?

BigBoysDontCry · 19/09/2023 20:28

It's very rude. My DSs were only a year apart and often would have enjoyed the party the other one was invited to. But that's life isn't it? If you're not invited it's disappointing but it is what it is. I'd have never have just self invited the sibling and if circumstances meant that the invited child then couldn't attend, then that's also just the way it is.

UpaladderwatchingTV · 19/09/2023 20:34

We've actually had this sort of behaviour at our holiday let OP. In the information it clearly says that we only take TWO guests, and no children under 12, although there are two kingsize beds, we got badly burned by some guests in the early days so cut back on numbers to avoid a repeat performance. We had a couple book for a week at peak time, they put Mr & Mrs on the booking form, but nothing about any children, and didn't mention kids throughout the whole process, even though we spoke on several occasions. However, they then had the cheek to turn up with 2 kids in toe. It was pointed out to them that it clearly states on the booking form that we take 2 guests MAXIMUM, but they thought that if they just turned up, that we'd put up with them taking the piss. We didn't! All four of them were turned away for having broken the contract. You really shouldn't have to put us with this CF'ery in anything, and sadly our English good manners, usually mean that these people get away with it. I felt dreadful turning away kids when they were expecting a nice holiday, but as my DH pointed out, I wasn't the one who should feel guilty, the blame lay with their parents because they tried to pull a fast one and it backfired on them. Sorry OP, didn't mean to hijack your thread, but just goes to show that people take the piss at every opportunity, and kids parties are just the start of it.

LondonLass91 · 19/09/2023 20:49

Yes she was out of order, absolutely, and you were right to let it slide, however I also think only inviting half the class to a party wasn't very nice.

localnotail · 19/09/2023 20:59

OMG I hate that. I had my DS's 7th birthday party and a couple of older siblings turned up with the kids we invited, and they were really annoying - throwing stuff around, being rude, not taking part in games. I could not be nasty to 10-11 y. olds so made sure they had food, etc, but they were really horrible and my DS did not know one of them. Parents just came, dropped their kids and fucked off! I thought it was quite unbelievable.

PinkRoses1245 · 19/09/2023 21:03

Circumferences · 19/09/2023 15:51

Seriously, it's life. It happens.
I think you're massively over reacting. You need to chill a bit ☺️

This. Get some perspective.
you come across very uptight and rude

whatwasthatgrandma · 19/09/2023 21:04

PinkRoses1245 · 19/09/2023 21:03

This. Get some perspective.
you come across very uptight and rude

Show quote history

She really really does not. Her attitude is entirely normal.

You, on the other hand...rude.

Vettrianofan · 19/09/2023 21:04

I had two children show up without RSVP'ing at one of my DCs recent parties. Luckily I brought enough party bags to the venue to hand out at the end just in case of this happening.

I was slightly annoyed but was glad that they could make it after all.

Take it in your stride OP. These things do happen.

Original poster
MadameameBeans · 19/09/2023 21:06

LondonLass91 · 19/09/2023 20:49

Yes she was out of order, absolutely, and you were right to let it slide, however I also think only inviting half the class to a party wasn't very nice.

We don't all have the space to host an entire class of 30 children at home you know, that's a luxury that not everyone can afford, or the funds to host it at a hall or other venue, certainly don't have the money to take 30 kids to a soft play or trapolining or whatever. Could pack them in like sardines at home I guess if you feel it is mean not to invite 30 kids to every party. We pushed the boat out getting the bouncy castle (we've never been able to have one before), and did the best we could with the space we had, which is why he invited 15 friends (and also why we weren't keen on having extras turning up without invites).

Not every kid can go to every party, my son knows that if he sees invited being handed out and not everyone gets one then that's fine and he'll probably get one the next month. If we had invited 28 kids but not 2 then thats not very nice, but I can't see the problem with getting DS to list the people he plays with the most and inviting them when space is limited.

OP posts:
andjustlikethat1 · 19/09/2023 21:16

This reply has been deleted

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk Guidelines.

Vettrianofan · 19/09/2023 21:16

Don't rise to those types of comments OP. I always limit parties to 10 guests including birthday child and their own siblings. Keeps costs down.

Original poster
MadameameBeans · 19/09/2023 21:17

This reply has been deleted

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk Guidelines.

What cash gift? There was no gift?
Is reading comprehension not your strong suit?
Let me know if you want me to draw you a diagram for the more difficult concepts.

The fact you had to scroll this far to find a comment you agree with (and that the poll is 91% to 9% in favour, probably says more about you than it does about me.

OP posts:
EmmaPaella · 19/09/2023 21:41

LondonLass91 · 19/09/2023 20:49

Yes she was out of order, absolutely, and you were right to let it slide, however I also think only inviting half the class to a party wasn't very nice.

Nobody at my kids’ school has ever done a class party. It’s not the law!

BusyMum47 · 19/09/2023 21:42

So she brings an uninvited kid to the party and then doesn't even bring a gift. Who the hell does that?!

⬆️ A mega cheeky f*cker - that's who! HATE the whole kids party thing. SO glad we're past that stage.

Hotsaucegal · 19/09/2023 21:47

Slightly different situation. It’s a business that point blank does not accept children under 12 vs a birthday party. Agree with OP but also feel it’s not that deep…

Unexpectedlysinglemum · 19/09/2023 22:23

There are some cultures where it's seen as normal to bring all the siblings to a bday party (don't want to say which in case I offend anyone but a particular one it often seems to be the case!) do you think that might be going on?

Frickinghell · 19/09/2023 22:41

Yeah its cheeky and tbh I wouldn’t have done it but was it really a problem??

wednesdayatone · 19/09/2023 22:43

Seems to be the norm

I think it's cheeky AF but it's not the kid's fault

It's always worth having a couple of spare party bags

pompomdaisy · 20/09/2023 03:54

Well you clearly knew she was being a CF but chose to not deal with it. Perhaps be ready for the CFs next time.

Greenfishy · 20/09/2023 04:18

My initial reaction is yes, she’s a CF.
But there is another possibility - I read on here now and again about kids that never get invited to birthday parties. Could that kid be the younger brother, and this is her way of getting him to a party?
She should have brought a present though!