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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To expect DH not to give in every time DD cries

137 replies

bananahanna · 19/09/2023 13:06

DH seems unable to tolerate our DD 19 mo crying, especially when it's in public. As a result she is very quickly learning that if she wants something she needs to cry, and if she's not getting it then she needs to up her screaming. I've tried to talk to him about it, explain it, send articles, demonstrate, model it myself. I feel like I've tried everything but his response is "it's so difficult to see her cry" or "she's our little girl, if we can stop her being upset we should!" (or something along those lines, when in private) or in public it's "people are looking at us" "this is so embarrassing" "we are disturbing people's dinners".

So I'm left with two problems
A) by default I become the baddie or the bad cop, whilst he's the nice parent, the best friend, the good cop. All just because I want to raise a nice person, not a spoilt brat
B) I'm left with a toddler who screams non-stop because she's learnt it's her way of getting things. For example, if she's on a walk with her dad she will cry and he will take her out of the pram (we get into an argument when we are on a walk together because he insists on doing this so I know he would 100% do it without me). So when I'm walking home from the park and she's decided she doesn't want to sit anymore, I've got a screaming toddler because she's learnt that's how she can get her way, unless I fancy carrying 12kg of baby along with pushing her pram with the other hand. Or same with if she wants me to give something she can't have - my husband will give it to her if she cries so she expects the same from me and screams the house down because I don't.

I'm a SAHM so really it's me who is suffering most of the time from her tantrums. He just comes in on weekends and for 1hr in the evening to be "nice dad".

If I talk to him about it the responses are all very much along the lines of "but she's my baby, I love her so much, how can you stop her, she's so little and I can't handle my poor lovely girl crying, do you have a heart"

OP posts:
Peachpicklepie · 19/09/2023 13:09

Have you got some examples of when this happens other than the pram? Can you meet in the middle of when you need to hold the boundary and when it doesn't matter? For instance, with the pram, surely when she wants to get out sometimes it is fine?

Original poster
bananahanna · 19/09/2023 13:19

Peachpicklepie · 19/09/2023 13:09

Have you got some examples of when this happens other than the pram? Can you meet in the middle of when you need to hold the boundary and when it doesn't matter? For instance, with the pram, surely when she wants to get out sometimes it is fine?

With the pram it's that she wants to be carried. Not walk. She wants to be carried. My boundary is that you can walk or be in the pram but I'm not carrying if the pram is with us (because I don't have enough hands and she's heavy, as is her pram!)

Ex.2. She's seen a biscuit just before lunch. I would rather offer her the lunch first but he is happy to let her have a biscuit, and then another, and another because she's pointing to it and crying.

Ex.3. Holding a glass of water (made of glass) that she could break so we have to walk everywhere with her supporting it to avoid a spillage and the glass breaking, which is a hazard. I think it's more reasonable and better for our backs to say "no, but here's that same water in a plastic cup instead". As it is, she'll cry because she knows that's how to get her way (ie get the glass) and my husband will give it to her to prevent the tears.

Ex.4. Walk around in the mud after some rain holding some cushions from our sofa because I can wash them but our baby is crying. I'd be happy for her to walk around in the mud not holding anything or perhaps holding a random cloth but she would cry which isn't ok with him.

Ex.5. Playing with the TV remote. Why not swap it for a toy phone so she can't change all our TV settings and if she loses it or spills water on it, it's not the end of the world

OP posts:
Scarydinosaurs · 19/09/2023 13:22

Wtf he is so wet!

I would also override him in those scenarios. It would drive me mad!

It’s not helpful but I totally agree with you. Carry on like that and you’ll quickly have a brat who can’t hear no.

Original poster
bananahanna · 19/09/2023 13:24

@Peachpicklepie

Ex.6. If I'm drinking a glass of water and she wants to hold it instead and drop some omelette in it, I should just get myself a new glass of water rather than say "no"

OP posts:
suitcasecoveredincathair · 19/09/2023 13:25

At what stage does he plan to teach her appropriate behaviour? Or is he happy for her to grow up to have no friends because she expects to have her own way all the time no matter what?

ChickpeaPie · 19/09/2023 13:26

Example 6 🤣
YANBU

NCTerribleSchool · 19/09/2023 13:26

Eek. I'm with you, basically, but it strikes me that you're approaching the issue in quite a rational way whereas he is all emotion.

He's going to need to figure out why hearing your DD cry pushes his buttons so badly, and find a way to get over it. I'm not a fan of "rod for your own back" talk generally re childrearing but really, he is absolutely making one here.

Danikm151 · 19/09/2023 13:27

Tell him he can deal with the tantrums when she’s 10 screaming the shop down because she wants something or talking with school when they tell her no.

little ones need boundaries- yes you pick your battles but there’s that and then there’s being a pushover

Original poster
bananahanna · 19/09/2023 13:28

suitcasecoveredincathair · 19/09/2023 13:25

At what stage does he plan to teach her appropriate behaviour? Or is he happy for her to grow up to have no friends because she expects to have her own way all the time no matter what?

No real answer to that question. More like:
"I know but look at her! She's upset, I can't bear it" or (in the case of the pram) "I don't mind carrying her and pushing the pram, it's not a problem for me!" or (in the case of carrying cushions through mud, mentioned in the earlier comment) "it's fine, I'll wash them myself later"
But the problem is, it trains a behaviour - cry and you get what you want, if that doesn't work cry harder

OP posts:
Scarydinosaurs · 19/09/2023 13:30

And if you say - if we carry on like this she will carry on thinking she can get her own way and behave badly when she’s older just with bigger more dramatic things…he says?

Peachpicklepie · 19/09/2023 13:34

Ooh ok, yes those sound like reasonable boundaries to me! She will learn though that if he's there she gets it, and when it's just you you'll not cave so it's all a bit pointless. He needs to step up and help her develop the skills she needs for school and beyond. He's setting her up for a fail here.

Original poster
bananahanna · 19/09/2023 13:35

Scarydinosaurs · 19/09/2023 13:30

And if you say - if we carry on like this she will carry on thinking she can get her own way and behave badly when she’s older just with bigger more dramatic things…he says?

Various responses depending on the example but something like

  • with the pram: "I know but she just wants to be held by daddy, she's so little, she wants the closeness"
  • with throwing omelette in my water "she doesn't understand it's quite disguising to drink, she's just playing, she won't understand. Is it that big a deal to get a new water? Shall I bring you a new glass" said with a tone as if I've just eaten her whole dinner and left her to starve
  • with cushions "they're a toy to her, I'll wash them later, what's the big deal? It's not worth making her cry so much!"
OP posts:
Original poster
bananahanna · 19/09/2023 13:35

Peachpicklepie · 19/09/2023 13:34

Ooh ok, yes those sound like reasonable boundaries to me! She will learn though that if he's there she gets it, and when it's just you you'll not cave so it's all a bit pointless. He needs to step up and help her develop the skills she needs for school and beyond. He's setting her up for a fail here.

Edited

But equally I don't want to be bad cop or the strict parent ("my mum it's so boring, dad is so much fun") just for having reasonable boundaries?

OP posts:
suitcasecoveredincathair · 19/09/2023 13:37

with throwing omelette in my water "she doesn't understand it's quite disguising to drink, she's just playing, she won't understand

It’s his job to teach her things she doesn’t understand! (I know you know this.)

Soubriquet · 19/09/2023 13:38

“Dh you’re being pathetic and if you continue she’s gonna be a spoilt brat throwing tantrums in shops because she can’t have a bar of chocolate”

He needs to start being firmer with her. Once she realises he’s standing up, she will soon stop her crying

Maray1967 · 19/09/2023 13:40

bananahanna · 19/09/2023 13:24

@Peachpicklepie

Ex.6. If I'm drinking a glass of water and she wants to hold it instead and drop some omelette in it, I should just get myself a new glass of water rather than say "no"

O dear lord, you’ve got a right one here. He needs to hear, loud and clear, that this has to stop because if it doesn’t she will be the spoilt brat who no one wants to have around and who school staff dislike. He needs to get a grip.

toomanyleggings · 19/09/2023 13:42

Your post is making me think I give in to my toddler too much. You’re not wrong

Scarydinosaurs · 19/09/2023 13:42

I promise she’ll just think he’s a pushover.

she won’t love him more - children want boundaries and to be told no. It makes them feel safe.

in fact - I’d go down that road with him - he’s going to create an insecure child unless he has clear firm boundaries with her? Would that work?

Is there a parenting class he can do??

Original poster
bananahanna · 19/09/2023 13:45

It's worse in public and he jumps to stop the tears within a millisecond with ANYTHING. His main reasoning is so that we don't embarrass ourselves and so that she isn't disturbing other people (and of course so that our little girl isn't crying or upset). How do I deal with the "embarrassing" reasoning? Where do I even begin?

Who cares if other people look? They're in a public place and babies are part of the public. We are raising a little human, surely that's far more important than someone's dinner?!

Side point - i was once told by an older man on a plane that he hoped to relax on the flight and my daughter (about 3 months then) disturbed him by crying. I asked why he didn't hire a private jet if he was strongly against flying with a baby. For some reason he didn't seem amused

OP posts:
Original poster
bananahanna · 19/09/2023 13:46

Scarydinosaurs · 19/09/2023 13:42

I promise she’ll just think he’s a pushover.

she won’t love him more - children want boundaries and to be told no. It makes them feel safe.

in fact - I’d go down that road with him - he’s going to create an insecure child unless he has clear firm boundaries with her? Would that work?

Is there a parenting class he can do??

Please could you elaborate on how that makes her insecure? Thank you so much!! This might actually work with him

OP posts:
DuploTrain · 19/09/2023 13:47

I would enforce all your boundaries with my 2.5yo. However when he was 19 months some of the things he just wouldn’t understand at all.

But I agree that distraction/offering an alternative is much more effective. Especially giving biscuits because she’s crying - that’s ridiculous.

Get him to read “how to talk so little kids will listen” to understand about acknowledging emotions etc but still having boundaries.

OneMoreStepAlongTheRoadIGo · 19/09/2023 13:51

I wasn't happy with mine crying when mine were babies. It means they're unhappy or struggling with something.

I do like the how to talk books and they've done one for toddlers I think

A baby at 19months won't understand a lot of adult reasoning. So where somethings not appropriate I would try distraction or finding another way to satisfy their need if the way they want isn't suitable.

I wouldn't be happy regularly leaving to cry.

trevthecat · 19/09/2023 13:54

How is she going to cope as she gets older and others put boundaries in place? Like at nursery or school?

Noone wants to be friends with a child that screams every time they don't get their own way

OneMoreStepAlongTheRoadIGo · 19/09/2023 13:56

If they prefer to walk/sit I'd go with that. If he's happy to carry I don't see the problem? Mine loved being carried when they were small.

If they have a favourite cushion/blankey/toy they carry everywhere and it genuinely isn't a problem I don't see the issue there either. If its an item of yours I'd see about finding soemthing else they can carry instead rather than just saying no.

Another thing is to practice "yes". Can I have a snack "yes when we get home" rather than "No not now, not until we get home. " or can we do X "yes on Saturday... shall I show you when Saturday is?" Rather than "no not til Saturday ".

If they are constantly upset I think it's up to us to help them through/ distract/find alternatives.

There's lots of ideas out there to support parenting without just saying no and leaving to cry.

HappyMeal564 · 19/09/2023 14:00

I'm with you. Point out how difficult life will be for her when the other kids at school don't pander to her every whim and just leave her out. Poor girl it won't be her fault but that's what he's teaching her

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