To expect DH not to give in every time DD cries

[bananahanna]

DH seems unable to tolerate our DD 19 mo crying, especially when it's in public. As a result she is very quickly learning that if she wants something she needs to cry, and if she's not getting it then she needs to up her screaming. I've tried to talk to him about it, explain it, send articles, demonstrate, model it myself. I feel like I've tried everything but his response is "it's so difficult to see her cry" or "she's our little girl, if we can stop her being upset we should!" (or something along those lines, when in private) or in public it's "people are looking at us" "this is so embarrassing" "we are disturbing people's dinners".

So I'm left with two problems
A) by default I become the baddie or the bad cop, whilst he's the nice parent, the best friend, the good cop. All just because I want to raise a nice person, not a spoilt brat
B) I'm left with a toddler who screams non-stop because she's learnt it's her way of getting things. For example, if she's on a walk with her dad she will cry and he will take her out of the pram (we get into an argument when we are on a walk together because he insists on doing this so I know he would 100% do it without me). So when I'm walking home from the park and she's decided she doesn't want to sit anymore, I've got a screaming toddler because she's learnt that's how she can get her way, unless I fancy carrying 12kg of baby along with pushing her pram with the other hand. Or same with if she wants me to give something she can't have - my husband will give it to her if she cries so she expects the same from me and screams the house down because I don't.

I'm a SAHM so really it's me who is suffering most of the time from her tantrums. He just comes in on weekends and for 1hr in the evening to be "nice dad".

If I talk to him about it the responses are all very much along the lines of "but she's my baby, I love her so much, how can you stop her, she's so little and I can't handle my poor lovely girl crying, do you have a heart"

He can care about her feelings without just giving her whatever she wants.

For example, toddler cries for biscuit before dinner...

Parent 'oh you really want that cookie don't you? You love cookies and that one looks to yummy. You really want to eat it! You love eating cookies! It is hard when we can't eat cookies whenever we want. Isn't it?'

And the 'even though you know' - 'even though you know we don't eat cookies before lunch, you still really would like to eat the cookie, wouldn't you?'

You can empathize and help toddlers label their feelings without simply giving them what they are crying for. This really helps my toddler when she gets in a state. She often just wants to be understood!

Can you swap your husband into giving in emotionally rather than with things and rewards.
Can he not just pick her up and cuddle her every time she cries but not give into giving her biscuits.
If she cries - give her attention, love and cuddles but do not get her out of the pram if it is dangerous, silly, unreasonable etc.
Have him practise saying "No" to a biscuit while offering her dinner but giving her cuddles when she cries.
No to the glass but once she cries then give her a cheer up hug.

My mum does this with my daughter who is 16m. I don't like unnecessary tears, I cosleep and baby wear (less now she's bigger!). I'm a big softie BUT this is too much. The pram thing is the worst one. My mum has wanted to take her out in torrential rain and in a heatwave before, she made me feel like a wicked mum for saying no but it just wasn't practical

I'm with you on this.
My 19 month old would have completely been able to understand what you're describing as well.
I completely agree with the poster who talked about insecurity and a child needing to know who's in charge. I have a friend whose first child was born in very difficult circumstances (they thought the dad was about to die for the first 2-3 years of his life) and he was never told "no". Then things improved but they couldn't work out how to turn their parenting around. As a teenager he acted out so much deliberately trying to push boundaries to the point where they'd say no to him - and all they said was "we trust you" etc which is not what he wanted to hear. He wanted to hear "we love you too much for you to do that so no you can't". It's been a rocky road but now in his mid 20s he's explained some of this to them and things are better (but we were gently trying to tell her this from when he was little).
I try not to judge other people's parenting when I'm out and about but fwiw I would (silently) judge someone more for letting their kid rule the roost for a bit of peace than a family who was clearly trying to distract but maintain good boundaries.
Tell him to read "aha parenting" - it sounds as though he's a permissive parent and you're authoritative (this is the right one to be) but maybe swinging occasionally into authoritarian. In my experience if one parent is at an extreme the other often goes to the other extreme to bring some balance but that's not a helpful dynamic. He needs to learn to be authoritative and then you're likely to swing back into that... it's a great website imo.

I've always taken my kids to eat out from a very young age. We'd always move things out of their way (salt shakers, cutlery etc) and give them a toy, colouring or whatever else to play with. If they got testy one of us would take them outside for a little walk and then bring them back. They were absolutely not allowed to rip up sugar packets and tip them all over even if they'd wanted to. I have 5 kids ranging from 16 to 3, if we had just never gone out when they were toddlers we'd never have gone out for the past 16 years.

This is the exact convo my hubs and I are having about our 23mo. Except I am your husband in this scenario! What I find so hard is feeling the responsibility for doing what the child needs in all situations and he often cries to indicate his wishes so I try and do what he wants. However, I have seen recently that it’s not helpful and he’s definitely pushing to get his own way all the time so I’ve started trying to accept crying and upset for a couple of minutes in a situation (because usually he can then be distracted and calm down) and then if he’s still crying I might give in. It’s a step for me - could you try suggesting this to your husband?

https://www.ahaparenting.com/read/effective-limits

This sounds quite sensible.

I think the OP's husband needs to accept that "not being able to stand her crying" is a him problem, and sometimes she will cry and he cannot run around always trying to fix it. Perhaps as @Clairebairn says he could work on trying to distract her with something else for 2 minutes before "giving in" and see how that goes.

She will not see you as bad cop. She’ll trust you more and be more secure around you. She’ll be confused around her dad and lose trust/respect for him. Tell him this! She needs to learn from him (eg omelette doesn’t go well in water, eg you need to respect other people’s possessions, kids don’t want or need to get everything they want

She's just 19 months, I would let her do all those things, if they really annoy you then definitely distract her with something else but I wouldn't say no or think leaving her to cry is ok.

She won't become a brat. She's just learning. Egg in water probably floats, floating is amazing!

A 4 year old doing these things would be an issue but then you can explain

So you'd just accept that your water / coffee now taste of egg, rather than teach your child that there are boundaries?

And forever keep washing or buying new cushions for the sofa because she fancied taking them for a walk in the mud?

I just used to enjoy the play with the water and get myself some more! To be honest my cushions are not pristine due to play but once the y reach 5 they are able to be considerate and when my youngest is 5 I'll redecorate! I've always modelled the right thing to do, eg wash cushions after and include the child but I would have hated to miss the joy of that moment of play x