To expect DH not to give in every time DD cries

[bananahanna]

DH seems unable to tolerate our DD 19 mo crying, especially when it's in public. As a result she is very quickly learning that if she wants something she needs to cry, and if she's not getting it then she needs to up her screaming. I've tried to talk to him about it, explain it, send articles, demonstrate, model it myself. I feel like I've tried everything but his response is "it's so difficult to see her cry" or "she's our little girl, if we can stop her being upset we should!" (or something along those lines, when in private) or in public it's "people are looking at us" "this is so embarrassing" "we are disturbing people's dinners".

So I'm left with two problems
A) by default I become the baddie or the bad cop, whilst he's the nice parent, the best friend, the good cop. All just because I want to raise a nice person, not a spoilt brat
B) I'm left with a toddler who screams non-stop because she's learnt it's her way of getting things. For example, if she's on a walk with her dad she will cry and he will take her out of the pram (we get into an argument when we are on a walk together because he insists on doing this so I know he would 100% do it without me). So when I'm walking home from the park and she's decided she doesn't want to sit anymore, I've got a screaming toddler because she's learnt that's how she can get her way, unless I fancy carrying 12kg of baby along with pushing her pram with the other hand. Or same with if she wants me to give something she can't have - my husband will give it to her if she cries so she expects the same from me and screams the house down because I don't.

I'm a SAHM so really it's me who is suffering most of the time from her tantrums. He just comes in on weekends and for 1hr in the evening to be "nice dad".

If I talk to him about it the responses are all very much along the lines of "but she's my baby, I love her so much, how can you stop her, she's so little and I can't handle my poor lovely girl crying, do you have a heart"

Oh, and regarding the crying in public, we take the stance that anyone who had a toddlers have had to go through that, so they know!

But we did stop going to restaurants etc, and so did most of my friends. It's just not fun for the kids at that age, they want to be running around and don't have the patience to stay at the table for long - which I think is fair. We only go for very quick meals (e.g. when we know we will be in and out in 30 min), or places that have a play area for kids. Our view is that it's only temporary, and when they get a bit older they will be able to draw or do some games.

I agree. I tell my toddler no and repeat until it sticks:
“no feet on the table”
”yes feet on the table”
”no feet on the table” repeat 5 times until he repeats it back

Stretched out my leg a week later and rested on the side table…
”no feet on the table mummy”!!!!

I had this. My own DH's Dad left when he was small so he wants to please so it came from a good place and this makes him an amazing and loving Dad but it often put me in the role of bad cop. I'm not afraid of saying no or later but he finds it really hard.

He used to give them a screen/put the football on TV for them/sit with them showing them stuff online literally minutes before I had to drive them to school. I told him several times that it was not a good time to do that and it made everything rushed and stressful before I finally told him if he wanted to keep doing that, then he can drive them to school himself. He stopped doing it of course as he needed to start work!

You will never parent exactly the same way but some things you definitely need to be on the same page. One of my boys started saying Daddy will say yes so I had a huge chat with DH about that. I used to get so upset and frustrated at being the only one in the room to hold the no/not now when it was needed. I was a SAHM. We sat down and agreed on things. It's important for us to keep talking.

He now says no more (where appropriate) as he sees they need it.

I wonder if he feels like he can't say no because he works full time so obviously doesn't spend all day, every day with her like you do. It can happen like that sometimes.

You both sound rigid but that might also be down to your frustration with DH and the fact that you were asked for several examples. Obviously, some things you both need to agree on but I would also pick your battles such as if he wants to carry her, that's his choice so it isn't something I'd make a fuss about, especially compared to your other examples.

Does he spend much time with her alone? If not, I'd try that more at the weekend when he isn't working. I'm wondering if it'll soon become old if he's alone with her crying because she knows he'll give in to her demands.

Agree in a restaurant, that if she starts crying, someone carries her out and wait till she’s calm downed. Rinse and repeat

OP I do largely agree with you but in a restaurant or similar you can't be disturbing other people. I'm not suggesting giving in to a tantrum but if you can't distract her you'll need to take her outside or cut the trip short.

Yes. You may have a big problem in the future. As you say, you're going to be the bad parent and you may well end up with a difficult demanding child.

I was in this situation a long time ago and it was actually quite damaging for my relationship with my child...

Stop taking your toddler to cafes and restaurants and expecting her to act like an adult.

Make brunch at home for a couple of years then try again.

You're setting her up for failure by putting her in the same situation over and over again and expecting anything other than age appropriate behaviour.

You're both sounding quite rigid. He's insistent that she must not cry and you're insistent that she must behave like an older child in a public place.

Wanting to play with the sugar packets etc is exactly what a 19 month old would do in that situation. What else would you expect?

She won’t have any friends at school if he carries on. Children have absolutely no time for kids that want their own way the whole time and won’t play with her.

Don’t let him set her up for failure.

It's great that he loves her so much but every DC needs to hear the word NO. If your DH won't let her cry over the most trivial thing then you're going to end up with that child, the one who always wants her own way, the one the other kids don't want to play with because she doesn't understand give and take. You need to make him understand that he's not being kind, that he's setting her up to be a very demanding, unhappy little girl

We take our toddler out to restaurants all the time. It’s never been an issue. If they don’t go, how will they learn? On the few occasions they’ve been grumpy, one of us has taken them outside, but usually they’re content with quiet toys or chattering with us. Now they’re 2 and they’re used to restaurants, we had a lovely time on holiday, did the early 1900 sitting (expecting we would have to finish up in an hour or so), but stayed until 2130 and we all had three courses! Followed by a walk around the bustling town, then they conked out in bed and we had a nightcap on the balcony. Was perfect!!

@SunRainStorm I would expect that she can have a few sugar packets closed to play with. If she asks to open one we say "no" and distract her with a toy. If she keeps crying we try distract her with a different toy. We could start building something out of closed sugar packets. We could offer her a sip of water. But there are things you don't do and they are things that we would say "no" to. Just like if she asked to pour ketchup on the tablecloth (this hasn't actually happened but illustrates my point well). Would it be entertaining for a toddler? Yes. But should we instead offer crayons and a piece of paper? Probably.

For clarity - all the examples so far have actually happened. Not the ketchup one though.

There are different breeds of toddler. Some are restaurant-friendly, some are not. At that age, it doesn't have a lot to do with parenting.

FS this is a 1.5 year old. All the comments about how she’s never going to have any friends and no one will like her are mental 🤦‍♀️

@bananahanna . You would be ambitious imo to offer crayons and paper to a 19mo if you didn't want to be constantly retrieving them from the floor. I've had more success in the past with a magnetic drawing board with an attached pen. You can tie or hook it to the highchair.

It's possible I'm being unduly pessimistic and other people's DC were mini-picassos at that age, but mine tended to snap, chew or throw the crayons, or roll them off the table.

I'm wondering what your dh's childhood was like that makes it so hard for him to bear seeing his child upset.

I’m sorry, but as she is only 19mo I don’t think that deliberately letting her cry and get more upset is good parenting. She is too young to be spoilt and too young to understand why you won’t pick her up when she cries. I read your post and thought it must be a reverse.

Just hold your line ; she will figure out who the push over is really quickly. My one will go to daddy to be carried - she’s know there is no chance of me picking her up with my bad back. I will give in on the biscuit though . I’m afraid you can’t force him to toughen ip. Maybe you need to go on a little trip for a couple of days and leave him dealing with her tantrum’s full time, he might have a change of heart

I'm living this right now, although DD is 4. My problem is around food - mummy says have an apple, daddy says have a chocolate bar.

DD wants to go on daddy's shoulders, daddy says no. DD whines and then daddy says yes.

We have spoken about it and DH is making efforts to stop giving in, and I'm also trying to loosen up, but it's hard!

Mine older too. We try and meet in the middle.

Yeah I was all ready to come on here and think you were U, but having read the examples YANBU

With the carrying thing, would he get a toddler sling and just carry her in that rather than bringing the pram in the first place?

This might sound silly but does he have misophonia ? I have it for anything that’s squeaky or screechy, and I found baby’s cries very hard to handle.

You sometimes do have to put up with it though.

YANBU at all OP - and your DH isn’t doing your DD any favours at all.

This book came out when I was either in the very late stages of pregnancy with DC1, or he’d just been born. Either way, he was very far from being either a ‘diva’ or a ‘dictator’, but I saw the guy being interviewed on TV and his core message resonated with me so strongly.

Divas and Dictators

Essentially, you should go out of your way to reward / recognise / give lots of attention to GOOD behaviour, as a way of encouraging lots more of it.

BAD behaviour should be ignored. That is sometimes hard to do when in public - but the essential message is - don’t give attention to bad behaviour - which is exactly what your DH is doing - because, as you are both seeing, that ensures it is repeated and repeated and repeated.

I have two lovely DC - now that may very well be (and probably is!) down to their inherent personalities and nothing to do with my parenting.

But from the moment both of them were born, I’ve always focused on giving loving attention when they exhibit pro-social behaviour (no matter how small / insignificant), and not giving them attention when they exhibited anti-social behaviour.

Maybe get him to have a read through.

Doesn’t he want his lovely daughter to grow up to be someone her peers like, and want to be around? Surely he does.

He really needs to stop this nonsense. He will turn her into a child no one likes by refusing to set boundaries and make you look like the bad cop to boot. I think he really needs a parenting course since he's not understanding the common sense you have been trying to make him understand. Maybe hearing it from a stranger will help?

I get it, but these are all normal 19 month old things to want to do.

You can't expect her to appreciate that while playing with the sugar packets closed is ok, opening them is not. It's not realistic from a developmental perspective. Since you know that's what she's going to want to do, then personally id remove all those things from the table before I sat her down at it. If you don't want to be 'bad cop' all the time, one way to avoid it is to anticipate the conflict and avoid it. Remove the things she can't play with, put her own toys there instead. She's a toddler, you can outsmart/out plan her a lot of the time.

Likewise the example earlier- if she's fighting on the pram then her DH to bring her in a carrier when he's with you. & Don't take her out of the pram when it's just you.