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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To expect DH not to give in every time DD cries

137 replies

bananahanna · 19/09/2023 13:06

DH seems unable to tolerate our DD 19 mo crying, especially when it's in public. As a result she is very quickly learning that if she wants something she needs to cry, and if she's not getting it then she needs to up her screaming. I've tried to talk to him about it, explain it, send articles, demonstrate, model it myself. I feel like I've tried everything but his response is "it's so difficult to see her cry" or "she's our little girl, if we can stop her being upset we should!" (or something along those lines, when in private) or in public it's "people are looking at us" "this is so embarrassing" "we are disturbing people's dinners".

So I'm left with two problems
A) by default I become the baddie or the bad cop, whilst he's the nice parent, the best friend, the good cop. All just because I want to raise a nice person, not a spoilt brat
B) I'm left with a toddler who screams non-stop because she's learnt it's her way of getting things. For example, if she's on a walk with her dad she will cry and he will take her out of the pram (we get into an argument when we are on a walk together because he insists on doing this so I know he would 100% do it without me). So when I'm walking home from the park and she's decided she doesn't want to sit anymore, I've got a screaming toddler because she's learnt that's how she can get her way, unless I fancy carrying 12kg of baby along with pushing her pram with the other hand. Or same with if she wants me to give something she can't have - my husband will give it to her if she cries so she expects the same from me and screams the house down because I don't.

I'm a SAHM so really it's me who is suffering most of the time from her tantrums. He just comes in on weekends and for 1hr in the evening to be "nice dad".

If I talk to him about it the responses are all very much along the lines of "but she's my baby, I love her so much, how can you stop her, she's so little and I can't handle my poor lovely girl crying, do you have a heart"

OP posts:
Original poster
bananahanna · 19/09/2023 14:57

Hufflepods · 19/09/2023 14:12

With the pram it's that she wants to be carried. Not walk. She wants to be carried. My boundary is that you can walk or be in the pram but I'm not carrying if the pram is with us (because I don't have enough hands and she's heavy, as is her pram!)

Eh, this is your boundary though. I feel like your DH is allowed to make his own decisions and if he’s happy to carry her the few times he’s out with her in the pram then it’s his choice.

Who cares if other people look? They're in a public place and babies are part of the public. We are raising a little human, surely that's far more important than someone's dinner?!

Disagree. Your parenting doesn’t need to be disruptive to other people in public. If she’s tantrumming or crying you either deal with it or remove her. Your ‘lesson’ isn’t more important than others.
Plus at 19 months the actual discipline you can use is so limited. Most of the things you’re trying to teach her she just won’t understand yet.

It's not my boundary. It's a reasonable boundary that should be set by both parents. Otherwise would my DH run out of his important meeting at work so that he could come to the park and carry our DD? It's a behaviour he's teaching her so why should I deal with the consequences.

In order to teach her that no she can't throw food in my cup or no she can't pick up some porridge and smear it on my face, some boundaries will be set. And if that means Susan from a few tables down has to hear some crying, then I'm sure she can live with that

OP posts:
Medusaismyhero · 19/09/2023 14:59

Dear god OP. LTB. Quickly.

Totallyterrific · 19/09/2023 15:05

YANBU.

He is creating a monster.

whynotwhatknot · 19/09/2023 15:09

hes not doing her any favours in the long run

i only agree about eating in a returant though i dont want to hear crying just because you want her to learn something its a public place not your home

Hankunamatata · 19/09/2023 15:10

You should show dh the threads about 'what my toddler cried about today'

Original poster
bananahanna · 19/09/2023 15:14

whynotwhatknot · 19/09/2023 15:09

hes not doing her any favours in the long run

i only agree about eating in a returant though i dont want to hear crying just because you want her to learn something its a public place not your home

So in a restaurant you'd suggest letting her do whatever she likes as long as she doesn't cry?

Drop some omelette in my glass, insist on pouring my (thankfully cold) coffee onto her lap, pulling out water wipes one by one and putting them into a (thankfully not lit) candle holder?

OP posts:
whynotwhatknot · 19/09/2023 15:15

didnt say do whatever she likes maybe take her out or distract her

Nanny0gg · 19/09/2023 15:15

bananahanna · 19/09/2023 13:24

@Peachpicklepie

Ex.6. If I'm drinking a glass of water and she wants to hold it instead and drop some omelette in it, I should just get myself a new glass of water rather than say "no"

He's batshit!

And will turn her into a total princess.

I'd override/undermine him every time. Sorry.

Original poster
bananahanna · 19/09/2023 15:16

@whynotwhatknot I should add she also enjoys crying until a sugar packet is open in a cafe / restaurant, then pouring it on the table. Rinse, repeat with next sugar packet.

OP posts:
Nanny0gg · 19/09/2023 15:17

bananahanna · 19/09/2023 14:57

It's not my boundary. It's a reasonable boundary that should be set by both parents. Otherwise would my DH run out of his important meeting at work so that he could come to the park and carry our DD? It's a behaviour he's teaching her so why should I deal with the consequences.

In order to teach her that no she can't throw food in my cup or no she can't pick up some porridge and smear it on my face, some boundaries will be set. And if that means Susan from a few tables down has to hear some crying, then I'm sure she can live with that

Show quote history

No.

If you're eating out and she can't be distracted, then you take her out till she stops.

The rest of the world isn't there to teach your kid.

But if he didn't give in all the time she might not be a pain in a restaurant

Original poster
bananahanna · 19/09/2023 15:17

@whynotwhatknot agree with distracting but that'll make her cry for a minute or two until she IS distracted. And that's something my DH isn't comfortable with (why is she crying, she's still crying, oh just give it to her, that woman is looking, oh my this is so embarrassing)

OP posts:
IglesiasPiggl · 19/09/2023 15:19

Part of being a good parent is enforcing boundaries and articulating appropriate behaviour. If your DH is sad to see her crying now, he should think about how much more sad he'll be to see her with no friends at nursery because she hasn't learnt to compromise.

mathanxiety · 19/09/2023 15:19

I agree with @Scarydinosaurs

There is nothing more terrifying to a child than the knowledge, deep down, that they are the one in charge and not their parent/s.

Knowing they can trust their parents to take charge and make decisions is a fundamental need of a toddler.

On the surface, it may look as if they want the cookie, they want to drag the cushion through the mud, they want to dunk the omelette in the glass of water, they want to get out of the pram, but what they really want is to find out if they are butting heads against a solid surface or one that will crumble.

Your husband is doing harm here. He's creating insecurity because he's choosing the easy way every single time, and choosing to put the management of his own feelings ahead of the best interests of the child (embarrassment, distress at hearing crying, etc). He's using the child to make himself feel better regardless of the best interests of the child (ignoring the fact that the child needs more than anything else to know she isn't the one in charge).

Make him sit down and delve deep into his fears here. What deepseated fear is driving this behaviour of his?

Nanny0gg · 19/09/2023 15:20

bananahanna · 19/09/2023 15:17

@whynotwhatknot agree with distracting but that'll make her cry for a minute or two until she IS distracted. And that's something my DH isn't comfortable with (why is she crying, she's still crying, oh just give it to her, that woman is looking, oh my this is so embarrassing)

I'd stop going out with your DH till he grew up, frankly

Do you both have parents that wouldn't put up with his nonsense? Would he listen?

Otherwise you have to find out why the hell it's such an issue for him

mathanxiety · 19/09/2023 15:26

Most adults develop the ability to just sit with feelings of embarrassment, etc, until the moment passes.

Why the urgency on the part of your husband to immediately fix unpleasant feelings - and make no mistake about it, it is his own unpleasant feelings he is trying to fix here - in such a completely inappropriate way?

Where and how did he learn that unpleasant feelings cannot be tolerated, cannot just be sat with, and must be pushed away as fast as possible using any means necessary?

SeaToSki · 19/09/2023 15:35

You could always try what I did with a friends DH (she asked me for some help one the quiet as I had older dc). I just mentioned that its all well and good when they are fussing and screaming for the pink cup rather than the blue cup, but that turns into fussing and screaming for the latest Nike trainers and iPhones, and that turns into fussing and screaming for money for drugs and tattoos and going on Love Island. It was a purposeful exaggeration to get the father of a cherubic 2 yr old to look into the future. It made him blanche and reassess and my friend said he started to step up and parent rather than holding his daughter’s development back.

Vallmo47 · 19/09/2023 15:42

I was 100% on your side until you didn’t give a shit about other people when out and about Op. I have seen people who calmly sit there and ignore their kid screaming at the top of their lungs for 5+ minutes and I judge them harsher than I do the kid. If warning/distraction doesn’t work, you take the kid and leave. Maybe this is why your husband is so lenient - because he knows you WOULD make it embarrassing.

Cowlover89 · 19/09/2023 15:45

Yanbu

TheCatterall · 19/09/2023 15:47

He really needs some parenting classes…. I’d be looking at a new patio or single life as this level of behaviour would just infuriate me.

he’s making OPs life harder when she’s home alone by teaching his child that she can have whatever she wants when she wants it and crying will make it happen for her. And if it works with Dad she will
just continue to expect it from Mum and kick off if it doesn’t happen.

children (most?!) need structure and boundaries.

Have you family or friends around @bananahanna that you could rally to the cause?

wildwestpioneer · 19/09/2023 15:54

Your DH sounds line a huge people pleaser. With your dd and anyone else, except you, unfortunately sees you as an extension of himself so doesn't offer you the same curtesy as others.

I agree, your dd needs to understand no, or later, can you look at some parenting courses for you and your dh to attend, it might make him realise that by putting in boundaries is better for your dd than giving her everything she wants

Coyoacan · 19/09/2023 15:54

I mostly agree with you OP, but I think he s pushing you into being stricter than you would naturally be. There is no problem in him carrying her as long as it is not in response to her tears.

I think you both would benefit from a parenting course. It is particularly harmful when children are older for there to be such a disparity in parenting styles

Torganer · 19/09/2023 15:56

I have a bad back, so I’m with you on the no picking up thing when I have the pram. My husband will pick him up if he does pick up, but I refuse and he now knows I won’t carry him and can either walk or get in the pram.

Ask your husband what he would do if she wanted a sip of his wine or some of his hot coffee, or picking up a steak knife and waving it about when out. He wouldn’t give it to her to stop her crying surely?!! So why can’t he say no ripping up sugar packets?

If he can’t say no, then he should be the one taking we out whilst you can eat your dinner in peace!!

301963Laurie · 19/09/2023 16:02

I could have written your post 20 years ago OP . I was always the stricter parent and husband would always give in and children running circles round him . Now my children look back and definitely respected me more as the parent and agree that children need to have rules and a gage of what is acceptable behaviour.
It is apparent ,nowthat I am more aware ,that my husband in ND and his management of the children was him avoiding conflict,noise etc .
Interestingly am now watching history repeating itself with my granddaughter!!
He is a kind man and the children acknowledge that, and realise it was just how he managed probably his own feelings.

MrsGalloway · 19/09/2023 16:31

I agree with you OP although I wouldn’t subject everyone else to prolonged crying or tantrums in a public place. I’ve no objection to hearing toddlers or babies cry in restaurants etc if their parent is actively dealing with it and takes them out if it goes on and on. Agree with poster who said all bets are off on the plane though, it’s not the place to enforce the one biscuit rule.

You just can’t give into everything and your examples of boundary setting seem completely reasonable to me. My DD went through at stage at that age of having a full on tantrum every time she had to get in her car seat and no amount of distraction or bribery worked. Vividly remember trying to leave a farm park in the pouring rain with a newborn who needed feeding so obviously I had to just pick her up and put her in the seat. What would he do in that scenario?

Bearbookagainandagain · 19/09/2023 16:32

My eldest is a similar age and I completely agree with you. My husband struggles a bit with the "carrying" thing, but we agreed it was not sustainable so it's pushchair or walking when we are out (although we do carry him when he's been really good at walking and just wants a break, but usually he doesn't cry about that).

Some people on this thread seem to have very low expectations of toddlers, they can absolutely understand and assimilate those rules. My son can repeat the rule (such as "sit down" when he is in the sofa) after only been told a few times, he can choose between "walk or pushchair", and that he is not allowed to take our phones (he very cutely says "noooo" when he sees a phone, and hand it to us 😂)