To expect DH not to give in every time DD cries

[bananahanna]

DH seems unable to tolerate our DD 19 mo crying, especially when it's in public. As a result she is very quickly learning that if she wants something she needs to cry, and if she's not getting it then she needs to up her screaming. I've tried to talk to him about it, explain it, send articles, demonstrate, model it myself. I feel like I've tried everything but his response is "it's so difficult to see her cry" or "she's our little girl, if we can stop her being upset we should!" (or something along those lines, when in private) or in public it's "people are looking at us" "this is so embarrassing" "we are disturbing people's dinners".

So I'm left with two problems
A) by default I become the baddie or the bad cop, whilst he's the nice parent, the best friend, the good cop. All just because I want to raise a nice person, not a spoilt brat
B) I'm left with a toddler who screams non-stop because she's learnt it's her way of getting things. For example, if she's on a walk with her dad she will cry and he will take her out of the pram (we get into an argument when we are on a walk together because he insists on doing this so I know he would 100% do it without me). So when I'm walking home from the park and she's decided she doesn't want to sit anymore, I've got a screaming toddler because she's learnt that's how she can get her way, unless I fancy carrying 12kg of baby along with pushing her pram with the other hand. Or same with if she wants me to give something she can't have - my husband will give it to her if she cries so she expects the same from me and screams the house down because I don't.

I'm a SAHM so really it's me who is suffering most of the time from her tantrums. He just comes in on weekends and for 1hr in the evening to be "nice dad".

If I talk to him about it the responses are all very much along the lines of "but she's my baby, I love her so much, how can you stop her, she's so little and I can't handle my poor lovely girl crying, do you have a heart"

Sorry i didn't get further than 'she is learning to cry when she wants something' well yes- that's sort of how babies are hardwired. We Are meant to respond to them...

Came here to say exactly this - she definitely will not love him more. Children tend to resent and have no respect for parents like him. They feel insecure and anxious when there are no boundaries.

I feel like I was your husband in this situation and I do understand how he’s triggered with the crying as I can be the same with my son, my husband is the opposite and is very good at setting boundaries with no grey areas. Now nearly 3 years on we have a toddler that won’t misbehave for his dad but won’t listen to a word I say, which makes life very difficult for me, so he will soon realise that he’s been wrong. I have recently had to find a back bone because I have a determined wee boy who needs rules so I’m turning it around, it’s not too late. Me and my husband have had a lot of arguments over it but I do now realise he was right and they absolutely need rules, I always just thought he was too young for rules and hated when he was upset. I hope it works out for you guys and he eventually realised because it’s you that’s there full time and is going to have to deal with the behaviour. What I will say is that don’t worry too much about being the baddie, my husband is and my son absolutely adores him. your kid will have more respect for the parent with boundaries.

Re the restaurant, I used to move the cutlery/sugar packets out of reach as soon as we sat down and we used to take a small toy for them to fiddle with. Kids that age explore and grab everything. The magnetic drawing thing with the pen attached is a great idea.
If they tried to grab stuff they shouldn't touching, then a 'no' and moving it away and distracting them with a toy/pointing something out over there usually worked. We didn't eat out much and didn't expect to stay in there for long.

I think there will be times when she will want to be carried and one of you will be happy to carry her (some lovely moments with my toddler boys on their Dad's shoulders) and times when you both will be too tired/bad back or whatever or you think she should walk/go in the buggy. She has to get used to that so he needs to get used to saying not now and putting up with the tears.

Five Minute Mum on Insta has a great book for out and about with kids. For ages 1-2 she carries things like little sensory fidget toys, a small Duplo car with wheels etc...

I was going to say YABU for thinking a 19 month old can be disciplined in such a way (it’s been a while as my youngest is almost 5) but then I read your examples and laughed. YADNBU OP, your DH sounds bonkers and I can just imagine these scenarios playing out when my DC were little, and no we didn’t give in to them. You are 100% correct in your approaches.

I agree, the most important thing your DH needs to learn at this point is the art of distraction. (and of course keep practising this yourself) A clear "No" is actually really important at this age to keep children safe. There's a reason why 2 yr olds use "no" a lot themselves - one because they are learning they can make choices, and two because they've heard "no" a lot by the time they are 2!
So "No, that's Mummy's, here's yours", "No that's Daddy's shall we get you one just for you", "let's put the cushions back on the sofa then we can go outside", "no I can't carry you look at the bird in that tree / let's sing a song / we're going to have X for lunch as soon as we get home"

Good luck. It took me a very long time to properly learn how to do these things by which time I needed different skills because my children had grown up ... This morning's was convincing an 18 yr old to get out of bed and go for a walk because he's worried he needs to fix his sleep patterns before starting uni next week :)

Blimey, he'd infuriate me!!! Yes, she's still very young and I'd be careful to pick my battles but children need boundaries to feel safe.
When is he going to be able to tolerate his little princess having a strop because she can't have what she wants - when she's 5? 15? She's crying because this is her way of communicating at this age and he needs to realise this.
And if he's opening packets of sugar and letting her chuck it all over the table in a restaurant, I'd be judging him more for that than trying to distract with toys etc or taking her outside to distract her!

And if he's opening packets of sugar and letting her chuck it all over the table in a restaurant, I'd be judging him more for that than trying to distract with toys etc or taking her outside to distract her!

This. He needs to be saying the ‘No we don’t do that’ to her as well as you. Does he want a 6 year old doing this?

YANBU hes acting like a drip.

At what point is he going to say no? When she's a morbidly obese 6 year old because she's been fed biscuits like a barking seal to stop her crying?

When her teeth are falling out because she cries for sweets and fizzy?

Don't worry about her not loving you... continue to be the propper parent and he will catch on soon.

Get him to watch some supernanny episodes of kids who always got their own way!

Go away for a bit and leave your husband in sole charge of your daughter. A week should be long enough for him to get the point.

Your child is 19 months old, their brain is not capable of manipulation and attending to their needs will not make a spoilt child, contrary to what elder parents/grandparents may believe! There is probably an underlying reason why she is having tantrums in the first place.

Attending to their needs is giving them a cuddle and distraction… not giving them the packets of sugar to sprinkle over the table.

It sounds like OP is attending to her needs. DH is attending to her wants.

Out of your examples, I would crack down about the safety related glass one and the damaging expensive good ones, remote and sofa.
The others I would go with him on as enforcing those doesn't constitute an important scenario, if he is happy to carry her, if she wants a biscuit it won't kill her to have it before dinner. Pick your battles.

She’s 19 months old… she’s not doing it to be awkward or naughty so why care so much if she wants to get carried or sprinkle some salt on occasion.

Because she does need to start learning what no means.

The salt example is because someone else would left to clean up her mess and no, she doesn't understand that but parents do so should stop it.

Because someone has to clean it up?
Of course they love doing stuff like this, but we can redirect them into more appropriate activities.

Your child is 19 months old, their brain is not capable of manipulation

We should, of course, be very lenient with small children, but they are also learning through their experiences. If all they have to do to get what they want is cry, we are training them to cry for everything.

It's worse in public and he jumps to stop the tears within a millisecond with ANYTHING. His main reasoning is so that we don't embarrass ourselves and so that she isn't disturbing other people (and of course so that our little girl isn't crying or upset). How do I deal with the "embarrassing" reasoning? Where do I even begin?

He’s going to regret his past self in the future as the tantrums and the “embarrassment” will get worse when people are looking at you because your 8 year old is having a shit fit because she can’t have a teddy or a burger or whatever.

Yes, children don’t learn actual manipulation until they’re older but as parents we should be teaching what is appropriate and what is not from a young ages. Making a mess, wasting food (salt / ketchup) isn’t ok. Your husband carrying her, meh. Take the batteries out of the remote and let her go. Pick battles sometimes.

I have had this since DS was born 5 years ago. DH literally gives him what he wants for all the same reasons you have given.

i now have a brat of a child who won’t play with anyone if they’re not doing exactly as he tells them. He trashed the house the other day because he didn’t win a lolly at school.

We don’t have the same disposable income as we had two years ago, so he can’t have all the presents he used to have. He’s surprisingly OK with this but doesn’t understand why he can’t have a £3 ice cream every day after school.

Nip it in the bud before things get this bad!

Would love to know what his own childhood was like.

I'm pregnant and if my husband starts behaving like this I will honestly go mad, it's not just the paranoia about being embarrassed if your kid cries while out in the park (ffs), it's the lack of a united front between the two of you to your daughter. I am far from agreeing with my parents style of doing things in some ways, but one thing they did well was that if one disagreed with the other they would never hash it out in front of us - they'd argue later if necessary! How's your daughter supposed to feel when she's old enough to realise that every time mummy says something daddy tells her off/contradicts her?

with throwing omelette in my water "she doesn't understand it's quite disguising to drink, she's just playing, she won't understand. Is it that big a deal to get a new water? Shall I bring you a new glass" said with a tone as if I've just eaten her whole dinner and left her to starve

Do you think he realises quite how patronising and mean he's being TO YOU? or does he just not care?

Oh god I feel like this thread has made me realise I’m far too lenient in my parenting.

I’m obviously going against the grain here because I think there is probably room for give and take on both sides. I agree no need to empty sugar packets, she should be easily distracted from this. But if he wants to hold her then I don’t see the issue. Kids soon learn that different parents do things differently.

I think ultimately you wouldn’t like it if he started to dictate to you how to parent so you shouldn’t dictate to him, and it does sound like you’re basically saying you are the right one in every situation so he should always do things you way.

I think you should have a chat about boundaries and agree together what you want to enforce. Focus on the ones that matter most to you and which are important in terms of safety etc. But then give each other the freedom to parent your own way within those boundaries.

All children really really need boundaries - they get a sense of security from
knowing that here is the limit, and they will be stopped from going past that limit. Limits are necessary to feel safe and contained (not controlled or restricted) but to show that every whim and passing thought won’t be granted and there is someone who cares about them enough to help them deal with limits (which we will all encounter in our lives).

Whether a child is 3 or 13 (or fully grown, in fact), they thrive far more in an environment where they have safe, sensible limits their cater can explain to them and help them live with, rather than parents who say Yes to every demand and behaviour. Think of billionaire adults who want for nothing - they are some of the most neurotic and unhappy people on the planet, despite their consumer goods and lifestyle.

Good luck, OP, you sound like a great mum.

Find something for him to read about gentle vs permissive parenting. If he genuinely thinks he is being kind to her, rather than just being a lazy fucker, it might have a good result.

@bananahanna hes undermining you which is the opposite of supporting you. Can you reason with him that if he teaches the little one to ignore your rules it will be anarchy later and you won’t have any authority in the house. He’ll essentially be on his own trying to resolve discipline because he’s taught them to ignore you.

Sounds like you are being a great mum. It must be really hard to be overruled and deprioritised by your husband.

The omlette in water is the biggest one for me, what about your needs there?

might be different in our house as we have a boy but DH never misses an opportunity to teach our 3yo to respect mummy.