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AIBU?

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Original poster

My 'friend' making my wedding about her

141 replies

Buttoutofmywedding · 19/09/2023 10:57

I'm nervous about posting this here as I expect to be told I'm a complete doormat.

I'm in my 40's. I've had a long engagement due to illness and family bereavement.

I want a stress free wedding and would like to make fairly personal vows to my husband to be to thank him for looking after me through my illness. I'm fully recovered. Life is good.

Initially I decided I wanted to get married close to my home with only immediate family, have a very upmarket lunch out and then invite extended family and friends for a party and serve casual food. This is not proving to be a money saving exercise which was not the goal anyway but logistics are a bit more complicated than all in one venue, same guest list for all.

I have a friend since school who I was once very close to but now am significantly less close to. Let's call her Sophie. We decided as teens we would be each others bridesmaids. I would hate her to be my bridesmaid now as she is an unparalleled CF. She is not married and if she did ever, she would not pay for a wedding. I have opted for no wedding party except my DC. Our parents are not alive, I won't be getting walked down the aisle, it's not going to be traditional.

Sophie did not hide her disapproval about my no friends at the ceremony plans and kept moaning. I was firm and maintained I was drawing a line at immediate family for the ceremony. Wedding plans then got put on hold with health complications and at that stage I had to rebook and we thought "maybe it would be easier to just have one guestlist".

This should be the end of it surely and now everyone is happy. I only see Sophie once or twice a year anyway and never alone. We are not close anymore, I find her to be a complete taker. We are part of a much wider circle of friends (all of who got married and had wild weekend wedding sessions over a decade ago) and she is in the WhatsApp groups etc.

The problem is now Sophie keeps making thinly disguised 'jokes' about the 'nerve of me' trying to not invite her. She is genuinely seething and has since declared she was planning on turning up anyway as 'a photographer'. She seems to find this funny and adorable. It makes me so mad I can barely contain it. She tells randomers in front of me how I thought I could have a wedding with just my family. They look invariably confused and bored as to why they are being told this rubbish.

It sounds so ridiculous when I write it out but now things are finally on an even keel in life, myself and DP want to book the wedding for early next year and more pointed remarks from her last weekend put my teeth on edge.

I feel like not inviting her full stop but I know that's disproportionate. I'm looking for a clear way to say to tell her stop making demands. I've gotten myself so wound up that even one sarcastic remark on the day will wind me up.

OP posts:
FiloPasty · 19/09/2023 11:01

I’d honestly change the date and not tell her. Have the small family only the week before and do the party the week after, or just completely uninvited her and tell her she’s being a twat.

WinterDeWinter · 19/09/2023 11:02

Hey Sophie - you know that if you turn up at the ceremony none of us will never speak to you again right, and I will make sure the whole of Facebook knows why? <tinkling laugh> Ofc no-one would ever be so awful as to disregard the bride's wishes on something this important, but you know, there are some cheeky fuckers around so I just thought I'd be absolutely clear. <more tinkling>

Namechange666 · 19/09/2023 11:03

I'm not sure why you're even friends with this person? She sounds ridiculous.

I would have dropped her long ago personally.

However, if you feel you can't drop her, do as the pp said and give her wrong date in caee she decides to turn up and ruin it all.

CyberCritical · 19/09/2023 11:07

It doesn't sound like this is a friendship you want to maintain so just flat out tell her she's not invited and won't be allowed into the ceremony if she shows up.
If she flounces and says she's never speaking to you again then have you actually lost anything?

Soonenough · 19/09/2023 11:08

Pathetic that she wants to be a bridesmaid on her 40s because of teenage promises. Ridiculous behaviour but she obviously can't see that. You either have to say Seriously friend , I really don't want you to upset anyone else that would want to come, it has to be this way so please do this for me. Or , as other posters say , just go off and do it and don't tell her .

Original poster
Buttoutofmywedding · 19/09/2023 11:08

Sorry - I know I put A Lot there to wade through but we decided ages ago to have the same guestlist for the ceremony and reception which she would be a part of.

The thing is she keeps ranting on about the fact I thought I was entitled to even consider leaving her out.

She's so grabby and self serving and just moaning about everything she doesn't get handed to her all the time (this reaction from me about this is definitely a symptom of dealing with her for year) that I'm feeling resentful about having her there at all now. The image of her sitting eating the food I paid for, drinking the wine while between mouthfuls giving me an earful about 'trying to get married without her' is very real.

OP posts:
Spirallingdownwards · 19/09/2023 11:08

Definitely say that her comments have made you reconsider who you really want at the wedding and that she is not one of those that made the cut.

It sounds like you don't see her often and don't need her in your life.

MrsLeonFarrell · 19/09/2023 11:08

If you only see her once or twice a year why did you feel you need to invite her at all?

greenhydrangea · 19/09/2023 11:08

I feel like not inviting her full stop but I know that's disproportionate.

That is not disproportionate. In these circumstances, it is entirely appropriate.

She will find a way to ruin your wedding day.

sodthesodoff · 19/09/2023 11:09

Why are you even friends with her?

She will ruin it. Jesus just get rid

Spinet · 19/09/2023 11:11

I'd give her a hard stare and say 'can you stop going on about it?'

Original poster
Buttoutofmywedding · 19/09/2023 11:13

MrsLeonFarrell · 19/09/2023 11:08

If you only see her once or twice a year why did you feel you need to invite her at all?

I live in Ireland. Weddings are pretty big, it's typical to invite a whole friendship group.

She would be incredibly hurt if I didn't invite her and that doesn't sit right with me when I haven't made the uncomfortable effort to even let her know I find her behaviour obnoxious.

OP posts:
RainbowUtensils · 19/09/2023 11:14

"Sophie, your constant comments about my original plan to just have immediate family at my wedding ceremony are now making me consider whether I even want you to come to my wedding at all. It was never personal, but now you're making it all about you it leaves a really bad taste. Please stop"

Original poster
Buttoutofmywedding · 19/09/2023 11:16

Spinet · 19/09/2023 11:11

I'd give her a hard stare and say 'can you stop going on about it?'

Unbelievably it was me getting the hard stare over the weekend. Someone asked if the wedding would happen this decade and I laughed and said yes in the next six months actually.

She chimed in sarcastically asking if she was invited then began telling the story again that I was actually trying to leave her out but she knew the photographer and had arranged to come as an assistant. She genuinely thinks this is funny and cute. I can't really explain why but the thought of it makes me want to cry. It's like my wants don't count.

OP posts:
Original poster
Buttoutofmywedding · 19/09/2023 11:17

RainbowUtensils · 19/09/2023 11:14

"Sophie, your constant comments about my original plan to just have immediate family at my wedding ceremony are now making me consider whether I even want you to come to my wedding at all. It was never personal, but now you're making it all about you it leaves a really bad taste. Please stop"

Ohmygod thank you, this is perfect.

OP posts:
sandstormboots · 19/09/2023 11:20

I feel like not inviting her full stop but I know that's disproportionate.

It wouldn't be disproportionate. She sounds awful.

NeunundneunzigHorseBallonz · 19/09/2023 11:22

I think she knows you’ve gone off her and she’s trying to force your hand so she can be “Poor Sophie the Bride was mean to me.”

TheShinmeister · 19/09/2023 11:23

I had an old school “friend” who thought it’d be fine to turn up at my wedding with her 6 kids. I knew that’d be non-negotiable because she’d always stropped until she got her own way. As luck would have it we fell out for a non wedding-related reason the year before the big day. It went ahead in peace without that nutcase so I do feel your anger at the cheeky fuckery

WildFlowerBees · 19/09/2023 11:26

This is the perfect time to cut her off, change the date alter your guest list and let her know she is no longer a guest or a friend. You won't miss her. Don't let her be the reason you don't have the wedding you want.

BMW6 · 19/09/2023 11:29

YABU.

The correct response to Sophie is "Fuck Off Sophie you are an obnoxious grifter"

Repeat as required

ValkyrieAssassin · 19/09/2023 11:29

I feel your pain. I had a friend who was really similar and behaved in a similar way.

I faded her out gradually as she was just too much (and also quite aggressive) but it took a while.

Fallingthroughclouds · 19/09/2023 11:30

WinterDeWinter · 19/09/2023 11:02

Hey Sophie - you know that if you turn up at the ceremony none of us will never speak to you again right, and I will make sure the whole of Facebook knows why? <tinkling laugh> Ofc no-one would ever be so awful as to disregard the bride's wishes on something this important, but you know, there are some cheeky fuckers around so I just thought I'd be absolutely clear. <more tinkling>

What's with the creepy tinkling laughter and Facebook threats? Very odd.

RedToothBrush · 19/09/2023 11:31

I feel like not inviting her full stop but I know that's disproportionate.

Why is it disproportionate? She isn't respecting how you feel and she keeps making snide remarks to third parties.

Thats not how a friend behaves.

And since shes not really your friend, who should you invite her?

I would be extremely direct, and say how much shes upset you, how she's made it all about her and how little she respects you and how petty and immature it is to be constantly making these remarks. Publicly.

Then drop like a brick and don't give her a second thought.

She's not given a second thought to you.

LemonQuiche · 19/09/2023 11:31

I’m not sure why you think not inviting her full stop is disproportionate. I think it’s very proportionate. I also think it would be proportionate to include the phrase “now fucking do one” the next time she makes some cutesy snide remark.

Original poster
Buttoutofmywedding · 19/09/2023 11:31

TheShinmeister · 19/09/2023 11:23

I had an old school “friend” who thought it’d be fine to turn up at my wedding with her 6 kids. I knew that’d be non-negotiable because she’d always stropped until she got her own way. As luck would have it we fell out for a non wedding-related reason the year before the big day. It went ahead in peace without that nutcase so I do feel your anger at the cheeky fuckery

Thanks I wouldn't engineer a falling out (I know you'd didn't either) but I can see how the timing would be ideal.

It's a strange one because my aversion to her is due to decades of her taking from me, hence me putting distance between us. But this wanting to be there is her just wanting to be there with friend status so in one way it's much more complicated.

OP posts: