My 'friend' making my wedding about her

[Buttoutofmywedding]

I'm nervous about posting this here as I expect to be told I'm a complete doormat.

I'm in my 40's. I've had a long engagement due to illness and family bereavement.

I want a stress free wedding and would like to make fairly personal vows to my husband to be to thank him for looking after me through my illness. I'm fully recovered. Life is good.

Initially I decided I wanted to get married close to my home with only immediate family, have a very upmarket lunch out and then invite extended family and friends for a party and serve casual food. This is not proving to be a money saving exercise which was not the goal anyway but logistics are a bit more complicated than all in one venue, same guest list for all.

I have a friend since school who I was once very close to but now am significantly less close to. Let's call her Sophie. We decided as teens we would be each others bridesmaids. I would hate her to be my bridesmaid now as she is an unparalleled CF. She is not married and if she did ever, she would not pay for a wedding. I have opted for no wedding party except my DC. Our parents are not alive, I won't be getting walked down the aisle, it's not going to be traditional.

Sophie did not hide her disapproval about my no friends at the ceremony plans and kept moaning. I was firm and maintained I was drawing a line at immediate family for the ceremony. Wedding plans then got put on hold with health complications and at that stage I had to rebook and we thought "maybe it would be easier to just have one guestlist".

This should be the end of it surely and now everyone is happy. I only see Sophie once or twice a year anyway and never alone. We are not close anymore, I find her to be a complete taker. We are part of a much wider circle of friends (all of who got married and had wild weekend wedding sessions over a decade ago) and she is in the WhatsApp groups etc.

The problem is now Sophie keeps making thinly disguised 'jokes' about the 'nerve of me' trying to not invite her. She is genuinely seething and has since declared she was planning on turning up anyway as 'a photographer'. She seems to find this funny and adorable. It makes me so mad I can barely contain it. She tells randomers in front of me how I thought I could have a wedding with just my family. They look invariably confused and bored as to why they are being told this rubbish.

It sounds so ridiculous when I write it out but now things are finally on an even keel in life, myself and DP want to book the wedding for early next year and more pointed remarks from her last weekend put my teeth on edge.

I feel like not inviting her full stop but I know that's disproportionate. I'm looking for a clear way to say to tell her stop making demands. I've gotten myself so wound up that even one sarcastic remark on the day will wind me up.

Sideline her. Talk to her less when you're in a group setting. Sit her in Siberia when it comes to table planning. She's taking up headspace and oxygen because you're allowing her to. Put her to the back of your mind and your life.

@Buttoutofmywedding - a breezy ‘sorry Soph’s - it’s for CLOSE friends only’ whilst maintaining eye contact and smiling broadly at her - then move on.

every time she mentions the family wedding thing ‘oh Sophie - you still harping on about that - anyone would think it was your big day not mine!’ Laugh and eye roll.

You used to be close friends - now she’s an acquaintance in a wider group. Relationships evolve. Yours and hers didn’t and she’s just a CF who annoys you. The fact that you have a shared history doesn’t mean you can’t politely tell her to shut up going on about it all.

I only see her once or twice a year and "Never Alone". Sounds like you think she's a danger to you, 😆 Get rid if you are so fearful of her xx

Absolutely, @wereonthemarket.

Have a word with the photographer. Your photographer. The person you are paying to do the pictures.

Find out if she is telling the truth. They may look at you blankly because she's making it up.

If they have agreed to her being assistant tho, ensure they understand that is a hard no.

And that it wouldn't make future business sense to bring a person who's expressly not invited to a client's wedding.

Why are you still even in contact with her??

'Sophie, stop harping on. It's giving me the ick.'

Sophie your constant digs have cast a shadow over our wedding plans, so we have decided to elope.

YABU

You don't like this person - you haven't said a single positive thing about her.

You see her once or twice a year.

You are not her friend. Why have you invited her?

Does she really know the photographer? If so, cancel your date and set another with the photographer for a month later....then cancel that after all's done & dusted!
Most importantly, don't let this nightmare person spoil your lovely day.

I do not believe half the PP would really send such heartless messages. OP is frustrated with the changing dynamic of a friendship but disinviting her would be a huge social snub and cause very public humiliation and hurt.

For those struggling with reading comprehension, when the first wedding plans were initially family only, the friend said that she would have gatecrashed, pretending to be a photographer. There was then a small reception planned with more people The new plans include both the wedding and the reception groups together.

I stand by what i said previously, get a friend to keep her away from you. Your response is over her trying to insist you are closer than you actually are. I am not sure why this is eliciting such a strong response from you, from what you are saying guilt and irritation would be more typical. Are you finding the whole thing a bit overwhelming and expensive?

I hope you feel better for having somewhere to rant, but i would focus on planning your wedding and what it will mean to you and your partner and your supportive family and friends. You have had a tough time and now it is time to celebrate!

"Sophie, your constant comments about my original plan to just have immediate family at my wedding ceremony are now making me consider whether I even want you to come to my wedding at all. It was never personal, but now you're making it all about you it leaves a really bad taste. Please stop"

This is perfect!

Alternatively and taking further as she clearly needs a lot ..."Sophie I have no idea why you feel the need to keep commenting to everyone on my original plans but I am sure they are finding it as boring as I am. I am also finding it very concerning. I do NOT want to hear this yet again during my wedding day and therefore I am considering not inviting you. I want you to stop mentioning it now and not mention it again"......

....Bla Bla Bla from her ....

...."No I have stated my viewpoint and what I need from you with regard to my previous plans and my wedding day. It is up to you whether you are willing to agree to my wishes but I am not willing to discuss this further"

...Bla Bla Bla from her...

"I will not discuss any further" And leave

If she rabbits on, nags etc over a period of time use "Broken Record" ....you have to say" As you are not respecting my wishes I do not want you to come to my wedding, which is a shame but unfortunately I have to make that choice as I have already explained to you"

Of course if you go down this road you also have to be prepared that she will turn up anyway!

|So in other words whatever you do my suspicion is that she will be at your wedding regardless. That is hard for you. Don't let her spoil the day and I strongly suggest dropping her...she is NOT a friend!

She is very clearly upsetting you. It's YOUR wedding, YOUR day, you have gone through a lot to get to this point, and you must do what makes you and your husband-to-be happy. That's what matters. Change the date if you can, and don't tell her, or if not, send her an email/text/note telling her frankly that she is not to come in any capacity, and you can get someone else to write it for you if you don't feel you can do it yourself. Enjoy your wedding day!

I'm Irish and have a ridiculous number of cousins. When I got married we had a small sit down meal then went to a barn venue close by where anyone could come and bring a friend. People could bring their own drink and a limited buffet was provided. I only had twenty people at my sit down meal and cut the cake in the evening. I don't think you can truly prevent people coming to the ceremony unless it's a tiny venue for that. My evening guests were quite happy to attend the ceremony and then meet up again in the evening or just come in the evening. My cousins had similar venue problems and so I only attended the evening for many of their weddings. Stick to your guns and make sure you do what you want to do. It's your wedding. And no one was offended to not be invited to my Reception; I didn't lose family or friends over it. If people are disgruntled then they're the ones with an issue.

Have you talked to any of your other mutual friends about how you feel? Could you? Maybe they don’t like her either…

Although this is good I suspect over time it will leave a bad taste in your mouth. You sound like a lovely person and nobody likes conflict.
We all make these promises in our teens. And most sane adults wouldn’t expect it decades later.
Youre upset at a time when you should be excited and hopefully giggling with your now friends. It’s a celebration of life, love and happiness especially when you’ve been so ill. Just stick to the same script of ‘sorry Sophie it’s just a small wedding with very close friends and family’ every time she brings it up. The ‘sorry’ is you telling her no without you actually having to tell her directly. There’s nothing wrong with passive aggressiveness at times like these.
There’s always people feeling out out at weddings. No children being a common one.
If she brings it up in public again just stick to your script. ‘And I’ve told her sorry it’s just very close friends and family’. Stick in ‘quite a few time now’ after ‘sorry’ and she’ll soon stop and get the message. You are not responsible for keeping everyone happy with your wedding plans. They’re YOUR plans. If she’s hurt she’s hurt. Her responsibility.

I hope you have a wonderful day. Sounds like you deserve it. xx

She tried to invite herself and everyone else on someone's honeymoon?
Some brass neck on her!

Why are you all friends with her? I do not understand why her behaviour is tolerated.
She's presumably in her 40's too but seems to have the maturity of a school kid