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Original poster

My 'friend' making my wedding about her

141 replies

Buttoutofmywedding · 19/09/2023 10:57

I'm nervous about posting this here as I expect to be told I'm a complete doormat.

I'm in my 40's. I've had a long engagement due to illness and family bereavement.

I want a stress free wedding and would like to make fairly personal vows to my husband to be to thank him for looking after me through my illness. I'm fully recovered. Life is good.

Initially I decided I wanted to get married close to my home with only immediate family, have a very upmarket lunch out and then invite extended family and friends for a party and serve casual food. This is not proving to be a money saving exercise which was not the goal anyway but logistics are a bit more complicated than all in one venue, same guest list for all.

I have a friend since school who I was once very close to but now am significantly less close to. Let's call her Sophie. We decided as teens we would be each others bridesmaids. I would hate her to be my bridesmaid now as she is an unparalleled CF. She is not married and if she did ever, she would not pay for a wedding. I have opted for no wedding party except my DC. Our parents are not alive, I won't be getting walked down the aisle, it's not going to be traditional.

Sophie did not hide her disapproval about my no friends at the ceremony plans and kept moaning. I was firm and maintained I was drawing a line at immediate family for the ceremony. Wedding plans then got put on hold with health complications and at that stage I had to rebook and we thought "maybe it would be easier to just have one guestlist".

This should be the end of it surely and now everyone is happy. I only see Sophie once or twice a year anyway and never alone. We are not close anymore, I find her to be a complete taker. We are part of a much wider circle of friends (all of who got married and had wild weekend wedding sessions over a decade ago) and she is in the WhatsApp groups etc.

The problem is now Sophie keeps making thinly disguised 'jokes' about the 'nerve of me' trying to not invite her. She is genuinely seething and has since declared she was planning on turning up anyway as 'a photographer'. She seems to find this funny and adorable. It makes me so mad I can barely contain it. She tells randomers in front of me how I thought I could have a wedding with just my family. They look invariably confused and bored as to why they are being told this rubbish.

It sounds so ridiculous when I write it out but now things are finally on an even keel in life, myself and DP want to book the wedding for early next year and more pointed remarks from her last weekend put my teeth on edge.

I feel like not inviting her full stop but I know that's disproportionate. I'm looking for a clear way to say to tell her stop making demands. I've gotten myself so wound up that even one sarcastic remark on the day will wind me up.

OP posts:
RedToothBrush · 19/09/2023 11:32

NeunundneunzigHorseBallonz · 19/09/2023 11:22

I think she knows you’ve gone off her and she’s trying to force your hand so she can be “Poor Sophie the Bride was mean to me.”

And thats why you make a point of saying shes a grifting emotional vampire who is too emotionally invested in taking over something thats not hers.

silverbubbles · 19/09/2023 11:32

Also make sure the photographer is very clear that she is not allowed to be their assistant

ExtraOnions · 19/09/2023 11:33

Other than making a rather poor joke about the original plans (that you have heard multiple times, and never mentioned that you don’t like it). What else has she done? The level of vitriol in your posts, towards here, must mean that there us more of a backstory - this cannot just be about her comments? Are you projecting as you’re not getting the wedding you originally wanted ?

MrsRachelDanvers · 19/09/2023 11:34

Sorry but after reading this, I’m not sure why it actually matters to you what she thinks. You don’t really like her, so don’t knock yourself out trying to justify your wedding decisions. If she still thinks you should by a teenage statement then she’s a bit nuts. I could understand your dilemma if she was still a good friend with whom you felt a duty to invite her but only wanted family-but she seems like a casual acquaintance now who makes odd snarky comments.

Olika · 19/09/2023 11:34

RainbowUtensils · 19/09/2023 11:14

"Sophie, your constant comments about my original plan to just have immediate family at my wedding ceremony are now making me consider whether I even want you to come to my wedding at all. It was never personal, but now you're making it all about you it leaves a really bad taste. Please stop"

This is perfect I agree. My response to her wouldn't be so polite. Stop taking this drama from her. It's your wedding. Cut her drama out now or it never stops.

RedToothBrush · 19/09/2023 11:34

Buttoutofmywedding · 19/09/2023 11:31

Thanks I wouldn't engineer a falling out (I know you'd didn't either) but I can see how the timing would be ideal.

It's a strange one because my aversion to her is due to decades of her taking from me, hence me putting distance between us. But this wanting to be there is her just wanting to be there with friend status so in one way it's much more complicated.

Show quote history

She wants to control you.

Don't let her.

TheShinmeister · 19/09/2023 11:34

Buttoutofmywedding · 19/09/2023 11:31

Thanks I wouldn't engineer a falling out (I know you'd didn't either) but I can see how the timing would be ideal.

It's a strange one because my aversion to her is due to decades of her taking from me, hence me putting distance between us. But this wanting to be there is her just wanting to be there with friend status so in one way it's much more complicated.

Show quote history

The thing is, people like this play on our struggles to say no. I’ve been too much of a people pleaser in the past and been taken advantage of. Not any more. Now when I say no I stick to it and people are shocked and surprised. Well crack on

Fallingthroughclouds · 19/09/2023 11:34

Buttoutofmywedding · 19/09/2023 11:08

Sorry - I know I put A Lot there to wade through but we decided ages ago to have the same guestlist for the ceremony and reception which she would be a part of.

The thing is she keeps ranting on about the fact I thought I was entitled to even consider leaving her out.

She's so grabby and self serving and just moaning about everything she doesn't get handed to her all the time (this reaction from me about this is definitely a symptom of dealing with her for year) that I'm feeling resentful about having her there at all now. The image of her sitting eating the food I paid for, drinking the wine while between mouthfuls giving me an earful about 'trying to get married without her' is very real.

You obviously dislike her so I question why you are pretending to be a friend. She sounds like a pain in the arse, but you've been a fake friend for a while now so either continue to fake it or tell the poor woman the truth.

MinnieGirl · 19/09/2023 11:35

I would make it very clear to your photographer thwt you do not want this person at your wedding, and if he allows her to come along as his assistant you will not be paying him.

Mistressanne · 19/09/2023 11:36

Next time she makes a remark snap
Cut the crap Sophie or you'll be dropped from my wedding like a hot potato.

WandaWonder · 19/09/2023 11:37

Buttoutofmywedding · 19/09/2023 11:13

I live in Ireland. Weddings are pretty big, it's typical to invite a whole friendship group.

She would be incredibly hurt if I didn't invite her and that doesn't sit right with me when I haven't made the uncomfortable effort to even let her know I find her behaviour obnoxious.

Show quote history

You are not responsible for he behaviour but you are responsible for letting her keep in treating you like that

You need to stop being her friend or put up with it, do you really think you can wave a magic want and she will wake up to herself?

Stop being friends and get some self respect, and that is deliberately harsh

Chocolatepopcorn · 19/09/2023 11:38

OP I'm in Ireland too and I understand what you're saying, but honestly, life's too short for that shite. Just keep the ceremony family only or uninvite her. You don't even like her, so it's no loss.

Whataretheodds · 19/09/2023 11:38

Spirallingdownwards · 19/09/2023 11:08

Definitely say that her comments have made you reconsider who you really want at the wedding and that she is not one of those that made the cut.

It sounds like you don't see her often and don't need her in your life.

This. Lay it on the line with her and firmly and calmly make it clear that you won't take any more of this nonsense.

If she flounces off it sounds like no great loss.

SDTGisAnEvilWolefGenius · 19/09/2023 11:39

greenhydrangea · 19/09/2023 11:08

I feel like not inviting her full stop but I know that's disproportionate.

That is not disproportionate. In these circumstances, it is entirely appropriate.

She will find a way to ruin your wedding day.

@greenhydrangea is absolutely right - it would be perfectly proportionate not to invite her to the wedding, @Buttoutofmywedding. And I don't think it would be disproportionate to tell her exactly why, either.

"Dear 'Friend',

After all your nasty comments about my wedding plans, I no longer wish you to come to the wedding at all. A good friend would have supported me in my choices for my wedding, even if they privately did not agree with them. You, on the other hand, have sought to make the day all about you, and have caused me untold stress and unhappiness by your unpleasant attitude and behaviour.

I wish you well in the future, but think it would be best if we did not contact or see each other any more.

Yours,
@Buttoutofmywedding."

Sparkletastic · 19/09/2023 11:39

You need to message her directly and put a stop to her nonsense

user1492757084 · 19/09/2023 11:39

Feel sorry for your loser of a friend.
She sounds dreadful but obviously she has a problem.

Make your plans and see her less often.
Inform all people of dates all together - when you share save the date. Don't communicate anything to anyone if you don't wish for her to comment.
You don't owe her special treatment - just polite friendship.
I sense that you are too kind to think of breaking contact with the annoying friend so just be you. Expect her to be annoying..

You will have a great day. Forget about friend and get on with making it happen.

If she becomes especially bothersome you could think of a task to give her (along with another of your friends)
Can she sing a ballad?
Would she put flowers on the table?
Could she look after your dog in the church?
If you find her a special job she could be helpful.

sodthesodoff · 19/09/2023 11:40

She would be incredibly hurt if I didn't invite her

So? She doesn't seem too bothered about upsetting you

Honestly you're tying yourself into knots about someone you don't even like.

Your wedding would be forever tainted with this joy sponge present.

Welshmonster · 19/09/2023 11:41

For our wedding we literally had 10 people at ceremony. My husband didn’t want a wedding at all and did it for me. He was happy to be married and would have rocked up in jeans and t shirt and signed a piece of paper years ago. So he had the ceremony and I could do what I wanted after! So it was parents and my siblings and I had two friends. One was mum of of my 10 year bridesmaid and one who helped me get ready etc. he begrudgingly let his aunts in 😂

we had a party with the whole world invited!

the key fact is here that it’s your wedding and your way only. Have people that are special to you and not people that are going to P@as you off there. Many people can’t invite everyone due to finances etc.

have a quiet world with Sophie and tell her to wind her neck in now. Let her know she is not the photographer assistant and let your photographer know you don’t want them there.

Mamatolittleboy · 19/09/2023 11:41

She’s obviously incredibly childish and unreasonable but I think you are also being unreasonable to yourself for keeping her in your life.

Nanny0gg · 19/09/2023 11:41

Buttoutofmywedding · 19/09/2023 11:31

Thanks I wouldn't engineer a falling out (I know you'd didn't either) but I can see how the timing would be ideal.

It's a strange one because my aversion to her is due to decades of her taking from me, hence me putting distance between us. But this wanting to be there is her just wanting to be there with friend status so in one way it's much more complicated.

Show quote history

Out of interest, how does everyone in your wider group feel about her? Is anyone actually friends with her or is she just 'there'?

MariePaperRoses · 19/09/2023 11:42

"Why don't you shut up? I used to like you but you have no respect or manners and act like an attention seeking fool. Now I can't stand you."

Hopefully she will leave with her tail between her legs.

If she tries to argue, just reply with a laugh and a, "That's exactly what I mean!"

thecatinthetwat · 19/09/2023 11:43

Op, find a way to stamp out these comments now, because your resentment will only build. Once you get control of this situation and tell her to effectively shut up, you will start to feel better and then perhaps you can tolerate her at the wedding. You will feel better if you say something.

MorrisZapp · 19/09/2023 11:43

Well I can't help but ask, how is she managing to make all these smart remarks in front of friends if you only see her once or twice a year?

And how will she ruin the wedding if you're Irish and everyone will be there?

Respectfully, you've probably got worse aunts and in laws than an old friend joking about turning up as a photographers assistant.

Nanny0gg · 19/09/2023 11:44

user1492757084 · 19/09/2023 11:39

Feel sorry for your loser of a friend.
She sounds dreadful but obviously she has a problem.

Make your plans and see her less often.
Inform all people of dates all together - when you share save the date. Don't communicate anything to anyone if you don't wish for her to comment.
You don't owe her special treatment - just polite friendship.
I sense that you are too kind to think of breaking contact with the annoying friend so just be you. Expect her to be annoying..

You will have a great day. Forget about friend and get on with making it happen.

If she becomes especially bothersome you could think of a task to give her (along with another of your friends)
Can she sing a ballad?
Would she put flowers on the table?
Could she look after your dog in the church?
If you find her a special job she could be helpful.

People like that are never helpful

And @Buttoutofmywedding would be spending the day wondering just what she might do

HoppingPavlova · 19/09/2023 11:45

Response ‘oh Sophie, do stop embarrassing yourself’, tinkly laugh.