My 'friend' making my wedding about her

[Buttoutofmywedding]

I'm nervous about posting this here as I expect to be told I'm a complete doormat.

I'm in my 40's. I've had a long engagement due to illness and family bereavement.

I want a stress free wedding and would like to make fairly personal vows to my husband to be to thank him for looking after me through my illness. I'm fully recovered. Life is good.

Initially I decided I wanted to get married close to my home with only immediate family, have a very upmarket lunch out and then invite extended family and friends for a party and serve casual food. This is not proving to be a money saving exercise which was not the goal anyway but logistics are a bit more complicated than all in one venue, same guest list for all.

I have a friend since school who I was once very close to but now am significantly less close to. Let's call her Sophie. We decided as teens we would be each others bridesmaids. I would hate her to be my bridesmaid now as she is an unparalleled CF. She is not married and if she did ever, she would not pay for a wedding. I have opted for no wedding party except my DC. Our parents are not alive, I won't be getting walked down the aisle, it's not going to be traditional.

Sophie did not hide her disapproval about my no friends at the ceremony plans and kept moaning. I was firm and maintained I was drawing a line at immediate family for the ceremony. Wedding plans then got put on hold with health complications and at that stage I had to rebook and we thought "maybe it would be easier to just have one guestlist".

This should be the end of it surely and now everyone is happy. I only see Sophie once or twice a year anyway and never alone. We are not close anymore, I find her to be a complete taker. We are part of a much wider circle of friends (all of who got married and had wild weekend wedding sessions over a decade ago) and she is in the WhatsApp groups etc.

The problem is now Sophie keeps making thinly disguised 'jokes' about the 'nerve of me' trying to not invite her. She is genuinely seething and has since declared she was planning on turning up anyway as 'a photographer'. She seems to find this funny and adorable. It makes me so mad I can barely contain it. She tells randomers in front of me how I thought I could have a wedding with just my family. They look invariably confused and bored as to why they are being told this rubbish.

It sounds so ridiculous when I write it out but now things are finally on an even keel in life, myself and DP want to book the wedding for early next year and more pointed remarks from her last weekend put my teeth on edge.

I feel like not inviting her full stop but I know that's disproportionate. I'm looking for a clear way to say to tell her stop making demands. I've gotten myself so wound up that even one sarcastic remark on the day will wind me up.

Just tell her bluntly that you don’t like her behaviour. What’s the worst that can happen? Worst case: you fall out and she refuses to come to your wedding? Best case : She tries to tone it down. It’s win-win.

Look: if you won’t allow a solutiin you won’t. But there are multiple ways to handle this-/its just that all of them will upset her. If you prefer her being happy to you being happy there is nothing to be done. No one’s advice will work for you. But there are solutions. You just have to be willing.

1. Disinvite her in a private email or phone call. You can do it or, if its a ohone call, you can have your fiancee do it.

2. Figure out who in your friendship group has the social power and have her either read CF the riot act or disinvite CF for you.

3. Call her up and say, simply, “your behavior has been intolerable. Please do not come to my wedding. I don’t enjoy our friendship any more. Its run its course.

it sounds like she just wanted to be included in the ceremony? But since you find her to be annoying and you don’t like her anymore, just change the date and don’t let her know any details

fairly personal vows to my husband to be to thank him for looking after me through my illness.
I find this to be a bit strange.

You don’t need to “thank” him for supporting you in your vows, its your wedding day, not a speech at an awards ceremony

it would be awkward, putting him on the spot ,
talking about how grateful you are to him in front of everyone,
he only did what he was meant to do as your partner
that’s what people who love each other do

if you feel the need to express gratitude for him “sticking beside you”
it’s better done in private
then you can make the vows about something positive, don’t put a downer on your wedding talking about your illness

*Next time she makes a remark snap
Cut the crap Sophie or you'll be dropped from my wedding like a hot potato.
*

You sound like a lovely person OP and it probably isn't your style but I think the above would work a treat.

Stop indulging this snarky piece of work,

rip off the plaster!

Ring her - don't text.

Tell her that her comments are passive aggressive and upsetting. Be brave, call out her behaviour, in a respectful way.

Her reaction will be your guide.

I'd put money on her having a hissy fit - then you can tell her to fuck off without a second thought.

Seriously - sounds like you have had enough shit to deal with, without throwing a childish and insecure "friend's" issues into the mix.

Even if she did 'just want to be included in the ceremony', @truthhurts23, that doesn't give her the right to behave so outrageously towards the OP, just because she has not planned the sort of ceremony her 'friend' wants.

As I said earlier - even if she disagreed with the OP's choices for her wedding, a good friend would have supported her wholeheartedly.

I agree she’s not being a good supportive friend
perhaps she’s a little hurt and taking it personally, that she’s not invited to the ceremony.
maybe the friend is overestimating how close her and the OP actually are

I would hate her to be my bridesmaid now as she is an unparalleled CF

I find her to be a complete taker.

She's so grabby and self serving and just moaning about everything she doesn't get handed to her all the time (this reaction from me about this is definitely a symptom of dealing with her for year) that I'm feeling resentful about having her there at all now.

my aversion to her is due to decades of her taking from me, hence me putting distance between us.

This is what you've said about her. You've said nothing at all as to why she's even a friend, let alone invited to your wedding, other than she's "in all the whatsapp groups".

Seriously OP, life's far too short for this shit. She is NOT your friend if the only reason you're considering inviting her to your wedding is because she's in some WhatsApp groups and you don't like the idea of the social awkwardness if she isn't.

You've been through a lot of shit it sounds like. You deserve a lovely day with your STBDH with love and fun and not the anxiety in the background that someone is going to be a dick. Don't let the fear of upsetting someone you don't even care about particularly ruin your big day.

If there were zero consequences to not inviting her, would you still want her there? I think the answer is clearly no. So - big girl pants time. Rip the plaster off and have a lovely day without this nonsense.

“I’m not TRYING to get married without you there, I AM”

Get you photographer told too. If they bring her they will not be paid and get it in writing

Yes she only wants to be included in the ceremony which is sweet. And I get that things can be disappointing. My best friend in our 20s eloped after us planning her wedding for years. I was slightly internally gutted as it would have been so much fun but that's the stage when you realise you are not a key person.

I did ask a mutual friend to have a word with her after her mini most recent outburst on the weekend.

I am kicking myself because that was really my opportunity to be direct and say something but even now I can't find the right words.

To the pp who said she would lose her temper, she probably wouldn't (unless she was drinking). She'd be more inclined to demand a huge heart to heart about why she wanted to be there and me putting my case across to justify my actions and I wouldn't be up for it. The thought of her giving me permission also enrages me. I'd end up snapping at her and I would feel horrible. I can't see a scenario where i come out feeling good.

Some PPs asked about her dealings with the wider group.

It's a big social group that has spanned decades. Meetups have become far far less frequent and are much smaller with subgroups. I'm more reserved and was less entrenched in the group when we were younger (even though I introduced her) as I prefer my own living space and had a far cleaner lifestyle.

She has fallen out with different people in the group over the years always for not doing stuff for her or 'leaving her out'.

I would just say ‘I feel my wedding buzz is being ruined, you are not invited anymore. Don’t turn up as a joke because it’s not funny. Family and friends only’

You know what’s happening, she is on the way to ruining your wedding. The friendship is over and you won’t be friends after the wedding anyway,

Stop all this. Just let go.

You’ve got to woman up @Buttoutofmywedding and tell her point blank enough is enough. Otherwise the build up to your wedding will be all about the stress of her. She will spend the entire wedding telling everyone her complaints. She wants to be the centre of your attention and doing a good job.

You either call or text her to say her behaviour is upsetting and unless it stops she will be uninvited. If she makes her weird remarks about the photographer tell her you’ll cancel the photographer & give her as the reason.

Unless you do something now, your whole wedding will be about her.

It's your wedding - don't invite her if she's going to make your day miserable.

Are you me??

Seriously just had a very similar situation, for us we decided on a family lunch in the middle of the day that she swore up and down and told everyone she would be going too because she's "family". We made it clear from the beginning it wouldn't be the case. She took massive liberties at the wedding itself, inviting the guestlist to her own pre and after parties instead, causing confusion and making a fool out of herself and me for inviting her anywhere. We're not friends anymore and I feel much lighter.

Cut her off, very clearly, and make sure everyone else knows too. My only regret is that embarrassment is in my photos.

Have you sent out the invitations?

Is the photographer booked or is there time to change?

You have a lot more restraint than me, I would have snapped by now!

Sophie

Éisteach liom……. le do thoil , dún do bhéal ANOIS le do thoil.

Na habar focal eile ar bith.🤐

If that doesn’t work I would go for the nuclear button…..

Póg no thóin

I think that covers all bases…….😂

Oh god, that makes me feel a bit ill. Did it actually stress your wedding day? How did the friendship end?

I'm remembering when the other woman in our 'trio' got married. They'd been together for years so both mutual friends really.

Sophie told us about separate friends who got married abroad then a whole gang stayed for a holiday which doubled up as a honeymoon. She suggested we all do a group honeymoon holiday with them.

The bride to be looked awkward (it probably wasn't the first time hearing it) and the groom very clearly said if we showed up at their honeymoon resort they would be pretending they didn't know us.

It sounds like, instead of addressing the issue and the jokes (who knows maybe she thinks she is being actually funny and has no idea you now hate her) has resulted in the bitterness consuming you to the point where you want to end the friendship altogether. Wouldn’t it have been better to just risk ending the friendship but have some hope of mending it, by telling her how you felt about the comments straight away? As it is it seems like you’ll need to just de- invite her?

Tricky as this is the straw that broke the camel's back

Good that you told a friend to have a word. Any feedback from that?

I wouldn't disinvite her but would defo allocate a mutual friend to keep her away from you.

I too am your age and having a much bigger than originally thought, Irish wedding. There will be 30 people that i have never met and I know that I have to speak to them and make them feel welcome, when in reality I want to spend time with my friends who i haven't seen for years too.

however, i am of the firm belief that weddings are for your loved ones and your community to celebrate too. Not just the couple. Really brought home by recent deaths and illnesses, so typical of sniper alley. The excited emails I am getting has been so sweet, the reality is there seems to be little to bring everyone together at this time.in life.

Try to relax into it and enjoy it

Congratulations!

She tells randomers in front of me how I thought I could have a wedding with just my family. They look invariably confused and bored as to why they are being told this rubbish
But you only see her once or twice a year??

I thought wedding ceremonies were public ceremonies which at least all parishioners are entitled to attend?
I've been to weddings where members of the public will pop in and watch from the back. It's the reception that's invitation only.

Just because she demands a heart to heart doesn't mean you give her one. You don't even like her so stop putting so much time and emotional energy into this situation. Text her and tell her she is not included in the wedding, she can attend as a guest but if she carries on centring herself in your wedding she will be disinvited.

I could understand continuing to steer about this situation if you saw her a lot or liked her but you don't. The latest story about her "joking" about joining another couple's honeymoon shows that only a clear, unequivocal NO will work with her. Worst case scenario is that you become another person she falls out with.

@Buttoutofmywedding - I live in Ireland too and if someone was being as totally obnoxious to me about my wedding, they would get dropped quicker than a hot potato!
Don't invite her.
Send your invites out by post and I'd actually have it a week earlier or a month later than you've been discussing up to now but I really wouldn't tell her about the change of date. It's not her business.

Also under no circumstances should you feel pressurised to invite someone you only see twice a year. Jesus, I didn't invite any of my first cousins to my wedding because I never see them, I wasn't going to cover a plated dinner for someone I don't see at all and they are family!

Lastly - just because you make an arrangement when you're younger, doesn't mean that you should be held to it as an adult. It wasn't written in blood or anything.

Correct me if I am wrong, but I take it you dont have kids?

Cos if you did you would be able to deal with this spoilt brat so much more easily.

A full grown woman having a tantrum and stamping her feet to get what she wants?

How embarrassing for everybody!

Except her of course because she knows her system works...

Consider the 5 year old ( with apologies to all the well behaved charming 5 year olds around ) ... told no.. pushes pushes... told no.. jumps up and down a bit.... told no... lies down in the middle of lidl and screams like a banshee...
Sound familiar?

So go deal with the '5 year old 'woman... not with bribery for 'being good', not with a skelp on the bum (deserved but illegal )... but by saying that this behaviour is unacceptable and you are not having her at your wedding. End of.

Then stand back and listen to all your friends and family cheer, cos they are probably as sick of her as you are.
It sounds like you have had a rough few years, so if you can survive them you can survive her.
Have a lovely wedding.