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Original poster

My 'friend' making my wedding about her

141 replies

Buttoutofmywedding · 19/09/2023 10:57

I'm nervous about posting this here as I expect to be told I'm a complete doormat.

I'm in my 40's. I've had a long engagement due to illness and family bereavement.

I want a stress free wedding and would like to make fairly personal vows to my husband to be to thank him for looking after me through my illness. I'm fully recovered. Life is good.

Initially I decided I wanted to get married close to my home with only immediate family, have a very upmarket lunch out and then invite extended family and friends for a party and serve casual food. This is not proving to be a money saving exercise which was not the goal anyway but logistics are a bit more complicated than all in one venue, same guest list for all.

I have a friend since school who I was once very close to but now am significantly less close to. Let's call her Sophie. We decided as teens we would be each others bridesmaids. I would hate her to be my bridesmaid now as she is an unparalleled CF. She is not married and if she did ever, she would not pay for a wedding. I have opted for no wedding party except my DC. Our parents are not alive, I won't be getting walked down the aisle, it's not going to be traditional.

Sophie did not hide her disapproval about my no friends at the ceremony plans and kept moaning. I was firm and maintained I was drawing a line at immediate family for the ceremony. Wedding plans then got put on hold with health complications and at that stage I had to rebook and we thought "maybe it would be easier to just have one guestlist".

This should be the end of it surely and now everyone is happy. I only see Sophie once or twice a year anyway and never alone. We are not close anymore, I find her to be a complete taker. We are part of a much wider circle of friends (all of who got married and had wild weekend wedding sessions over a decade ago) and she is in the WhatsApp groups etc.

The problem is now Sophie keeps making thinly disguised 'jokes' about the 'nerve of me' trying to not invite her. She is genuinely seething and has since declared she was planning on turning up anyway as 'a photographer'. She seems to find this funny and adorable. It makes me so mad I can barely contain it. She tells randomers in front of me how I thought I could have a wedding with just my family. They look invariably confused and bored as to why they are being told this rubbish.

It sounds so ridiculous when I write it out but now things are finally on an even keel in life, myself and DP want to book the wedding for early next year and more pointed remarks from her last weekend put my teeth on edge.

I feel like not inviting her full stop but I know that's disproportionate. I'm looking for a clear way to say to tell her stop making demands. I've gotten myself so wound up that even one sarcastic remark on the day will wind me up.

OP posts:
Freezingcoldinseptember · 19/09/2023 12:26

Maybe you need a bouncer to keep her out? Even if she turns up with a camera it will be selfies all the way...

PlacidPenelope · 19/09/2023 12:28

It sounds so ridiculous when I write it out but now things are finally on an even keel in life, myself and DP want to book the wedding for early next year and more pointed remarks from her last weekend put my teeth on edge.

From this you haven't actually booked or organised anything yet?

If so, you have solutions available to you.

Irrespective of you being in Ireland and everyone else's expectations of weddings - have the wedding you want, not what they want or expect.

Which is more important to you - getting married or having a wedding?

You could book a holiday abroad and get married whilst out there, no need to tell anyone or tell only close people you can trust. Have a party or whatever when you return for everyone, if you want to.

You could book a Registry Office out of your area and get married there on a weekend away with only close family who you trust.

You could go back to your original idea and have a small private ceremony where you choose and only invite those you trust and then have a party on a different day/week/month whatever for everyone else and advise them then that you are already married.

You could just take the bull by the horns and tell this friend she is no longer a part of your friendship group and will not be invited to either ceremony or reception. If it's in a Church I think you can't actually stop her entering the Church but you sure as hell can stop her entering the premises where the reception is being held or have her removed. She is no friend to you and you don't like her anymore so stop pandering to her.

Stop talking about it on WhatsApp.

Do what you want to do, have the people in attendance that you want there stop trying to be all things to all people.

MollyRover · 19/09/2023 12:30

@Buttoutofmywedding she was ultimately just embarrassed that she was being given a "role" or "status" as she saw it. She had already been progressively nastier to me since I'd got engaged so I wasn't going to be singling out her friendship as particularly important anymore, I have some self esteem. I was absolutely no bridezilla, we had a party in our garden after lunch, the whole thing was very casual. She turned up late and drunk and acted like a twat to my family and other friends, told me she was going home to bed and then roared out about the after party she was going to have. Just an utter w*nker. I messaged in the morning and said I didn't appreciate what had happened, she tried to make light of it and then acted like I was at fault for bringing it up over social media. I cut her off, passive aggressive nastiness is something noone needs in their life.

NashvilleQueen · 19/09/2023 12:31

End your association with this person. You don't like her and she has no redeeming qualities. Why would you give her wishes about your wedding a second thought?

SDTGisAnEvilWolefGenius · 19/09/2023 12:32

12moose · 19/09/2023 12:20

I thought wedding ceremonies were public ceremonies which at least all parishioners are entitled to attend?
I've been to weddings where members of the public will pop in and watch from the back. It's the reception that's invitation only.

My understanding is that this is the case if the wedding is in a church, but if the wedding is at a registry office or in a private venue, then there is no entitlement for anyone who is not invited to attend, @12moose.

Nanny0gg · 19/09/2023 12:36

12moose · 19/09/2023 12:20

I thought wedding ceremonies were public ceremonies which at least all parishioners are entitled to attend?
I've been to weddings where members of the public will pop in and watch from the back. It's the reception that's invitation only.

If it's a church

You don't tend to get randoms at a 'venue'

MrsElijahMikaelson1 · 19/09/2023 12:37

.

Lobelia123 · 19/09/2023 12:37

You cant just stand there with a fixed smile on your face and seeth while she gets in these digs, if you dont challenge her, she'll think she can bulldoze her way through...in fact shes probably smugly congratulating herself for 'standing up for herself' and 'putting Buttoutofmywedding in her place.' Every time she says something or tries to make a point, you HAVE to counter it so she's very, very clear what the arrangements are and that you are sticking to your guns. For example, "Why do you keep harping on that? Ive told you dozens of times what the arrangements are, and why we decided to do it this way. Its not meant as an insult or slur, in fact its not about you. When you get married, you can do things your way. This is my way and its not going to change. Dont try to blackmail or hold me to things we said as children, thats ridiculous. Grow up. Either arrive and enjoy the day on my terms and as its arranged, or fuck off."

ImCamembertTheBigCheese · 19/09/2023 12:42

Why are you having anything to do with her? She might be part of a wider circle but you don't have to see her and you clearly dislike her.

ElFupacabra · 19/09/2023 12:46

I’d disinvite her honestly, no point in having someone at your wedding you are resentful of being there.

Say, “Carry on chatting shit and you’ll find yourself uninvited, you’re lucky to be invited at all after your repeated outburts. Fuck around and find out”.

I’d cut her off after the wedding if you really can’t disinvite her.

OhComeOnFFS · 19/09/2023 12:51

12moose · 19/09/2023 12:20

I thought wedding ceremonies were public ceremonies which at least all parishioners are entitled to attend?
I've been to weddings where members of the public will pop in and watch from the back. It's the reception that's invitation only.

Only if you're marrying in a church.

Floppyelf · 19/09/2023 12:52

sophie has that village people mentality on a harmless level and downright annoying at the end. Irish or not- its making you feel uncomfortable. My only expose to true irish culture is derry girls so she does sound like a few characters from there.

lto2019 · 19/09/2023 12:54

Dear Sophie - it is my wedding and I will invite who I want. I am at the point of disinviting you as you are completely doing my head in. We see each other once in a blue moon and I am not sure even if we saw each daily why you feel that gives you any say in what I do. Last chance - shut it or fuck off.

Wildhorses2244 · 19/09/2023 12:56

I suspect that she's behaving like this to cover up her own hurt that she hasn't got a partner and a wedding of her own, so is trying to make herself more part of yours.
I think next time she says anything like this you could reply with something like "I feel really uncomfortable with these sort of comments - I do get to choose what size wedding I want and who I invite - its not all about you." Every single time.

HohiyiKozbevi · 19/09/2023 12:59

Reply to the whole group

@Sophie if there is one more nasty comment from you like this about your enormous chip on your shoulder about my wedding day then I am going to return to the "family only" plan and everyone will know that the reason they are uninvited is that it's the only way to stop you from ruining the wedding. If we can keep it so that friends can come and you decide to show up then everyone else will be under strict instructings to remove you from the building if you make one single negative comment.

user1471538283 · 19/09/2023 13:00

This is your wedding after what seems a very difficult time for you. And money is very much an object.

You have the wedding you want with the people you want. Do not invite her (or uninvite her) because she will ruin it for you. It is yours and your soon to be DH's day!

People who love you will understand if they are not invited. She won't understand ... so she doesn't love you.

Some of the most lovely weddings I have been to have been very small and casual.

AShadowedMystery · 19/09/2023 13:01

Some great suggestions. If it was me I would probably take her aside and say 'Sophie, you know all these comments you are making about my wedding, well I really can't tell if you are joking or if you actually took offence about only immediate family being invited? If it is the latter, I really don't get it - it was never personal and no one else took it badly. Either way, please can we draw a line under it now as it is starting to upset me and I really don't want there to be bad feeling between us before the wedding'. Then if she continues - 'I thought we had agreed to draw a line under that' - broken record.

NotObligedToArgueWithStrangers · 19/09/2023 13:03

Sophie your constant wittering is really starting to get on my nerves. Either let it go or I'll un-invite you completely. This is my wedding and I've had enough of your negativity.

RedToothBrush · 19/09/2023 13:03

She'd be more inclined to demand a huge heart to heart about why she wanted to be there and me putting my case across to justify my actions and I wouldn't be up for it.

Then don't do it! A simple, "I really don't need to justify my wedding plans to you, and I won't be drawn into an opportunity for you to try and guilt trip me. This wedding is about me and my partner, not third parties" shuts that down.

Be blunt and direct. You are allowed to be.

You are constantly trying to consider the feelings of someone who is trampling all over yours. Stop it!

And yes you shouldn't have got someone else to have a word. That was your job and you were a coward.

RedToothBrush · 19/09/2023 13:04

The fact shes got form and upset so many others in the past just adds to the point.

WhatWhereWho · 19/09/2023 13:07

Buttoutofmywedding · 19/09/2023 10:57

I'm nervous about posting this here as I expect to be told I'm a complete doormat.

I'm in my 40's. I've had a long engagement due to illness and family bereavement.

I want a stress free wedding and would like to make fairly personal vows to my husband to be to thank him for looking after me through my illness. I'm fully recovered. Life is good.

Initially I decided I wanted to get married close to my home with only immediate family, have a very upmarket lunch out and then invite extended family and friends for a party and serve casual food. This is not proving to be a money saving exercise which was not the goal anyway but logistics are a bit more complicated than all in one venue, same guest list for all.

I have a friend since school who I was once very close to but now am significantly less close to. Let's call her Sophie. We decided as teens we would be each others bridesmaids. I would hate her to be my bridesmaid now as she is an unparalleled CF. She is not married and if she did ever, she would not pay for a wedding. I have opted for no wedding party except my DC. Our parents are not alive, I won't be getting walked down the aisle, it's not going to be traditional.

Sophie did not hide her disapproval about my no friends at the ceremony plans and kept moaning. I was firm and maintained I was drawing a line at immediate family for the ceremony. Wedding plans then got put on hold with health complications and at that stage I had to rebook and we thought "maybe it would be easier to just have one guestlist".

This should be the end of it surely and now everyone is happy. I only see Sophie once or twice a year anyway and never alone. We are not close anymore, I find her to be a complete taker. We are part of a much wider circle of friends (all of who got married and had wild weekend wedding sessions over a decade ago) and she is in the WhatsApp groups etc.

The problem is now Sophie keeps making thinly disguised 'jokes' about the 'nerve of me' trying to not invite her. She is genuinely seething and has since declared she was planning on turning up anyway as 'a photographer'. She seems to find this funny and adorable. It makes me so mad I can barely contain it. She tells randomers in front of me how I thought I could have a wedding with just my family. They look invariably confused and bored as to why they are being told this rubbish.

It sounds so ridiculous when I write it out but now things are finally on an even keel in life, myself and DP want to book the wedding for early next year and more pointed remarks from her last weekend put my teeth on edge.

I feel like not inviting her full stop but I know that's disproportionate. I'm looking for a clear way to say to tell her stop making demands. I've gotten myself so wound up that even one sarcastic remark on the day will wind me up.

Several options -

(1) do not invite her. It's your and your partner's day. Not hers. Be prepared for her tantrums.

(2) You barely see her, do not like her and she's rude and a taker. The friendship group have had different falling outs with her so just call it a day and finally end the friendship. And if people give you a hard time stand your ground.

(3) Give in and do what she wants and go on like this indefinitely..

Things and relationships change. The friendship ran its course a long time ago. That happens.

Justleaveitblankthen · 19/09/2023 13:08

I know what I would do.
I would get married a week/month before she thinks you will, look forward to telling her/showing the utterly fabulous photos and raving about how glorious it all was - exactly how you wished it to be. 😈

Infact, I think I would look forward to that more than the wedding..

Then, I would dump the CF.

Yalta · 19/09/2023 13:10

The problem is now Sophie keeps making thinly disguised 'jokes' about the 'nerve of me' trying to not invite her. She is genuinely seething and has since declared she was planning on turning up anyway as 'a photographer'. She seems to find this funny and adorable

Next time she does this, turn to her and tell her

“If you want to look like the hard done by martyr, fine, you aren’t invited.
End of. And don’t think you can gate crash my wedding because you know the photographer. I will tell them if they turn up with you They will be fired and won’t be getting paid even if I have a wedding with out photos”

Cola2023 · 19/09/2023 13:11

Why are you friends or in any contact with someone you dislike? It's not fair to either side.

everythingthelighttouches · 19/09/2023 13:11

This woman doesn’t care about you at all. She has no problem treating you shoddily and leaving a big black cloud over what should be a happy event.

I would drop her as a friend. Don’t worry about her feelings.

I think you are naively hopeful it will all be fine but you could end up looking back on your wedding day for many years to come with a tinge of sadness that you allowed her to take away some of the happiness you deserve.

Get rid.

”I don’t want you at my wedding anymore.”

”why?”

”Your behaviour is atrocious and you are ruining it for me”

then disengage completely.