My 'friend' making my wedding about her

[Buttoutofmywedding]

I'm nervous about posting this here as I expect to be told I'm a complete doormat.

I'm in my 40's. I've had a long engagement due to illness and family bereavement.

I want a stress free wedding and would like to make fairly personal vows to my husband to be to thank him for looking after me through my illness. I'm fully recovered. Life is good.

Initially I decided I wanted to get married close to my home with only immediate family, have a very upmarket lunch out and then invite extended family and friends for a party and serve casual food. This is not proving to be a money saving exercise which was not the goal anyway but logistics are a bit more complicated than all in one venue, same guest list for all.

I have a friend since school who I was once very close to but now am significantly less close to. Let's call her Sophie. We decided as teens we would be each others bridesmaids. I would hate her to be my bridesmaid now as she is an unparalleled CF. She is not married and if she did ever, she would not pay for a wedding. I have opted for no wedding party except my DC. Our parents are not alive, I won't be getting walked down the aisle, it's not going to be traditional.

Sophie did not hide her disapproval about my no friends at the ceremony plans and kept moaning. I was firm and maintained I was drawing a line at immediate family for the ceremony. Wedding plans then got put on hold with health complications and at that stage I had to rebook and we thought "maybe it would be easier to just have one guestlist".

This should be the end of it surely and now everyone is happy. I only see Sophie once or twice a year anyway and never alone. We are not close anymore, I find her to be a complete taker. We are part of a much wider circle of friends (all of who got married and had wild weekend wedding sessions over a decade ago) and she is in the WhatsApp groups etc.

The problem is now Sophie keeps making thinly disguised 'jokes' about the 'nerve of me' trying to not invite her. She is genuinely seething and has since declared she was planning on turning up anyway as 'a photographer'. She seems to find this funny and adorable. It makes me so mad I can barely contain it. She tells randomers in front of me how I thought I could have a wedding with just my family. They look invariably confused and bored as to why they are being told this rubbish.

It sounds so ridiculous when I write it out but now things are finally on an even keel in life, myself and DP want to book the wedding for early next year and more pointed remarks from her last weekend put my teeth on edge.

I feel like not inviting her full stop but I know that's disproportionate. I'm looking for a clear way to say to tell her stop making demands. I've gotten myself so wound up that even one sarcastic remark on the day will wind me up.

You dont need to threaten to uninvite her unless she behaves.
"This is MY wedding. How DFiance and I choose to celebrate is OUR decision. Its a shame you dont like it, but if you feel that way, then it would be best you dont come"
One further comment from her, and I would be telling her "youve made it clear you dont like our choices. You cant seem to get past it. So dont come."

Seriously, tell her adjust her self centred and hurtful fucking attitude.

Could you ask someone else in your friendship group to speak to her and explain why she's being out of order?

Go back to plan A...small ceremony with close family. Reg office is fine...heck, anywhere will be more chilled out and happy if 'Sophie' isn't there. This is about your needs and wants on a very special day when you'll be baring your soul. Do not invit anyone who mocks your decisions or detracts from the enormity and sensitivity of this occasion for you ❤️

By all means invite her to an after party (ideally on different day to avoid blurring the 2 events) at which point you can announce you got married. If anyone queries the change of plans you can truthfully mumble about guest lists and logistic issues prompting it.

Have a fantastic time.

“Sophie that story is so funny… can you imagine if you actually did that? It’s would be so weird, people would think you were a pushy lunatic. We are so lucky to have such a supportive group of friends, dont you think?”

I would not stand for this - sarcastic bitch mode activated just reading it 😂

I would ask to meet up alone now and tell her that her behaviour and comments is upsetting you. You’d like to stop with the sarky remarks. If she cannot promise to come and enjoy being a pleasant guest wishing you the best on your long awaited day she should not come at all and consider herself uninvited.

bTW your wedding sounds beautiful and intimate and I wish you all the best. Do not hesitate to dump Sophie if she cannot reflect and promise to change her tune.

I’d be making it very clear to the photographer that any assistant shouldn’t be anyone you know (hard stare)

This person is not your friend.

Just send her a message telling her she is not invited. Job done.

"Hi Soph, just to let you know that plans for the format of our wedding haven't changed. Thanks for the offer to take photos, but we won't be needing that service. So if you turn up and start snapping away randomly, you'll look a bit of a twat"

But then Sophie will take this as a chance for a heart to heart.

It sounds as though for various reasons this friendship has run its course especially as they only see each other once or twice a year. It gets worrying when Sophie threatens to ruin the wedding with photos, has form for falling out with people and basically wants a drama or to make the wedding all about her.

I’d personally either just uninvite her but risk the friendship ending and the fallout from that. I’d be slightly concerned she’ll try to sabotage the wedding if the friendship ends and she’s uninvited.

A chat won’t end well for both at least.

Maybe a friend could mediate between both of you at a face to face coffee? Pity the friend couldn’t have stepped in before but it is what it is.

Why can't people just be a bit more honest with each other. She was clearly hurt about not being invited to the original wedding and you said yourself that she thinks it's cute and funny how she would have moved mountains to be there.
If you just said to her that it really upsets you and you hate the idea of her going on about it at the wedding so much that you're considering uninviting her, I bet you €5 she'd zip it.

Poor Sophie thinks you are her friend.

I think the kindest thing to do is unfriend her. She clearly wants to be your best friend still and you clearly despise her. I suspect this isn't just about the wedding but either way you don't want her as a friend and I think, if she knew how much you hate her, she'd probably not want to be your friend either.

Sophie is not behaving like a friend, @isthesolution.

Indeed. So unfriend her?

Why are you still in contact with this horrible woman never mind considering her to be a part of a day you will never do again and by the sounds of things a day you very much deserve!!

send her a message, "I just want to say, that your entitlement to any kind of participation in MY special day is becoming increasingly uncomfortable & embarrassing.
Should you have shown up as a photographer's assistant you would have been shown the door.
It is my wedding, I will invite who I want,
I will ask you one last time to stop harping on about any esteemed slight you felt was potentially made. & to stop making a fool of yourself."

You might dent her ego, but I don't think you'd hurt her feelings. I would uninvite her. NB you can't stop her from turning up at the actual ceremony, that's the only thing. Anyone can go to any wedding ceremony (the bit with the registrar).

The image of her sitting eating the food I paid for, drinking the wine while between mouthfuls giving me an earful about 'trying to get married without her' is very real

Okay, so don't invite her? I don't see what all this angst is about.

BTW OP, I've voted YABU because the obvious answer to this is not to invite her at all, so you do not need even to think about her anymore.

I'd seriously just give her a firm "fuck off".

It'll shock her and it'll feel cathartic.

Fact is you don't like her, so what do you have to lose?

My sister did this to me in the lead up to my wedding (I am in my 40's too and wanted low key), badgered me into being a MOH when we weren't having any traditional 'roles', tried to say she was walking me down the aisle (no thanks), refused to come on my hen do then told everyone she hadn't been invited (she had, twice) then 6 days before made a huge drama about me getting ready at her house (even though she agreed that was what was happening and everything was sorted).

She simply could not stand that the wedding wasn't about her. So I told her that she wasn't causing drama and chaos and that I didn't want a bridal party in the first place and that she could just come as a guest and I rearranged to get ready at my house. She threw a huge strop and didn't come to my wedding and blocked me, my husband and my brother on everything. We haven't spoken since and our life is better for it. You will never please this kind of person, they can't countenance anything that doesn't revolve around them and they thrive off the drama and bad feeling. My sister falls out with people regularly too and pretends she's a 'say it like it is' person but actually she is just a selfish horror who has never grown up. Just tell her that you don't see her as a friend due to her behaviour and you don't want her causing drama at the wedding - it's important to you that the wedding is just about you and DP. Then ignore. You won't regret it. Don't be a people pleaser - it's not a good way to live.

Not inviting her is not disproportionate!!!

Honestly, read this back to yourself! Ask yourself why you need to be in touch with her, you've already said that you aren't close, so get rid, she is - put bluntly - baggage. End of.

the option for her to spoil your happy day must surely not be something you want to risk.

There are people in life who just aren't equipped to cope with any event that doesn't have them at the centre of attention. Identify them, folks and avoid them like the plague. They only want to disrupt every social gathering to regain control. Exhausting and energy-sapping.

You can't stand this woman.

It's absolutely clear from your posts.

Just break off the friendship.

That is a great response actually, full on sarcasm. 'God can you imagine if you did that, everyone would think you were a complete bunny boiler. Do I need to start locking my windows? Will I wake up on the morning of the wedding to find you manically smiling at the bottom of my bed?'