To not want to meet my mum's new boyfriend

[HeartofAss]

My dad died mid last year and I am still grieving. He had a long and awful illness and my mum cared for him for many years. She's an adventurous person but couldn't go out much at all. I felt for her but live very far away (other side of planet) and so while I went home as much as I could, it wasn't much.

She found a new man very quickly after dad died. She told me about eight months after his death but I think it actually started about four months after.

My head says, it is her time, good for her, glad she is happy.

But my heart, I cry when I even think about it. I can't sleep when she mentions him in a text. I can't talk to her without crying. I find it very very very upsetting. (My sister is the same as me, although not sure that's relevant).

My mum has booked to come visit us for a month (next month, October) and we have planned a ton of fun stuff together. The other man won't be coming on that visit.

Last night she asked if, on my next trip home at Christmas, she could bring him on the holiday I've booked for us all.

I said, I'm not ready. If you were asking for tomorrow or next week I'd say absolutely not. I can't predict how I will feel in a few months. I am getting there but I am not there yet.

She said, we are very steady, he is my life now and you need to think about your mum not just your dad.

We left it there and moved on to other topics.

AIBU?

I really think if I meet him in this mental state I will hate the poor man no matter what, and might be very rude. Or I might not be able to talk to him at all, I would likely just cry.

Sorry one more detail. I don't think she meant that he needed to come on the whole holiday or stay with us. I think she meant like pop in for a coffee. Just a meet and greet. She said since I come home only once a year she really wants to introduce us.

Then tell your mam you dont want to meet him because you cant trust yourself to treat him with respect. Its nothing to do with him, the problem is you. So make sure that's clear to her.

It's a shame you're making her new found happiness about you.

Gently, YABU.

Your mum has had to put other people's feelings and needs first for years by the sound of it. She's cared for your dad for a long time, and whilst I'm sure she didn't begrudge that at all, she is a person in her own right.

You don't have to spend hours with the guy straightaway but I think it would be good if you at least let your mum introduce him.

It's a shame you're making her new found happiness about you.

I'm sorry, OP, but I agree with the above. Your DFs death would have hit your mum harder than anyone else. It's great she's able to move on, do new things and have a bit of happiness in her later years.
And she's not betraying your father by doing so.

Please find a way to accept your mum's boyfriend - she didn't cheat on your dad and she deserves happiness. Accepting him as a partner doesn't diminish their love or your dad's memory in any way.

I know it's very hard, my Mam died 3 years ago and it's still difficult.

However, your Mam is only asking for a short casual meeting. She had had years of supporting your Dad when he was ill, she knows how short a time we can be happy and healthy for. Could you start with Zoom, perhaps just to say hello. Being alone when you have had a happy marriage can be very difficult.

I’m sorry for your loss, this is incredibly hard.

With the greatest and gentlest respects, your mum Is right. You’re thinking about your dad, which is absolutely fine, but you’re forgetting what your mum lost too. She lost her whole world and she had to do it on her own. She had to care for him and live through the hardest of times. It may seem fast that she’s moved on but she clearly needed companionship and has fallen for this other man. She’s keen for you to meet but only for a quick drink, nothing too long as she wants to put you first.

You need to be honest with your mum and tell her you’re not ready, not because you don’t want to meet him but your worried that your grief will cloud your judgment and make you feel bad of him and that’s not what you’re wanting.

why not arrange a date for after Christmas, this gives you something to work towards and if nearer the time you’re still not ready then tell her.

As your update specifies that she only wants him to pop in for a coffee I think you should agree. As you live so far away, I suspect it won't get any better the longer you put it off. If she wanted him to come to stay on the holiday I would agree with you it's too much too soon as you don't know him, but I think for a coffee you can put your own feelings aside and allow your mum to have your blessing to be a person in her own right.

I am sure it's very hard and it's harder being so far away.

I think that's really sad OP, it must be very hard for you and your sister.

If your mum cared for your dad on the other side of the world for some time before he passed, it's possible that she'd come to terms with what was happened and already begun grieving when he was alive. I know that was the case for my mum with her parents towards the end, she spent so long caring for them that she'd already begun grieving their loss - when they did then die, she felt like she'd already processed their deaths and felt (in her words) quite free of grief because they'd finally stopped suffering. This won't be the case for everyone of course, but having seen it first hand I know it can happen. She felt worried people wouldn't think she was upset enough in the months after their deaths, but what people didn't see was all of the sadness and upset in the previous years when she cared for them.

I think that your mum moving on with her life is always going to be tough for you and your sister, but she is her own person and someone who I'm sure deserves to be able to live her life now how she wants to and not in memory of your father.

Perhaps you could speak to someone about your feelings who might be able to help you process them? I don't think it's wrong for you to say no not right now because you recognise you're not in the right frame of mind to meet someone so important to your mum, but this needs to be something you and your sister perhaps work on with a view to being able to meet him in the future? No one can put a timeline on your feelings at all, but it must be hard for her not to be able to share her current life with you.

My feeling is that on the one hand your mum is perfectly entitled to have a relationship with this man. Yes it was pretty soon after your father's death but as you said, he had had a horrible illness for a long time so I do think that changes things a little.

However, I also believe that you as your father's daughter are entitled to want to wait before meeting this new man. You had a different relationship with your father than she did and you will have a different relationship with this new man. The whole situation is not the same.

I don't think she is right to push you into it, even if it's just a coffee. I don't think she is being very empathetic.

She would be better not pushing his existence onto you by mentioning him in texts and phone calls and pushing for a meeting. IMO she should leave you to come round in your own time. Which I am sure you will. In time.

Best of luck.

You need to work through this with a therapist. If your dads illness was a long one, your mum would have known for a long time that he was dying so it’s not particularly quick for her to find a new partner. To hate her new partner would be beyond selfish and immature. The man has done absolutely nothing wrong. Do you want your mum to be alone forever just because it would make you feel better?

I think you’re being really selfish. Your mum definitely deserves some happiness and I’d be really hurt if I were her that my children were spoiling it. You can’t be polite to a man that’s making your mum happy? You live thousands of miles away but expect her to be all alone? Wouldn’t your dad want her to be having a nice life? Should she stay single for ever and die alone? Hell, you might even LIKE him.

It’s hard but if your dad was ill for a long time and you didn’t see them very often then it’s likely your mum was far more prepared for when he died than you and is far more likely to have done her grieving when your father was still alive

She’s had a tough few years and is now looking forward. She is right that you should think about her as well as your dad.

I understand you don’t want to meet the new partner yet and maybe you will have changed a bit when you go for Christmas

but You are making this about you rather than understanding what your mother has been through

‘I’m not ready’ is going to make it into a bigger deal than it is, because in order to meet him later you’ll have to arrive at a place where you accept ‘I am now ready’. That’s a hell of a switch, especially when your readiness is wrapped up in your grief for your dad. I think you’re better just saying ‘I’m apprehensive but would like to say hello, let’s keep it brief and lighthearted. See you at Christmas!’

It's a bit like having more than one child. You don't love the first child any less. The heart expands to love both fully and totally.
It's the same for your mum. She doesn't love your dad any less. She won't love you any less. She just wants to be happy and comfortable in her own skin and she would like it to be with this chap.
This really isn't about you. Of course you miss your dad. But should your mum be in mourning by herself for the rest of her life? Are you really sure that's what your dad would have wanted? Because most people dying would happiness for their partner.
You don't have to acce this chap as a new dad because I sure that's not what he or your mum want. She just wants you and know who he is. Take your time by all means but please don't spoil this for her by making her choose.

I’m very sorry for your loss and I’m sorry you seem to be struggling so much to cope with that and the aftermath, it seems you’re pinning a lot of your grief onto the fact your mum has a partner.
Kindly, I think YABU. Your lovely mum cared for your dad through, in your own words, a long and awful illness and she deserves happiness and love without feeling like she’s being judged for that by her daughter. Your tone is unpleasant towards her regarding the timeframe, suggesting she was lying or sneaking around, and I don’t know if you realised how you come across.
As an adult, one who loves your mum and presumably wants her to be happy, the least you could do is meet this guy and be pleasant. Keep the visit relatively short if you feel you can’t manage that for any length of time, but it’s not much to ask.

Your mum has spent years grieving for her husband as he suffered and declined. Her life time ahead is far far shorter than yours. She has seen what poor then terminal health does to peoples capacity to enjoy life and do what they want to. Her sense of urgency to get on with her life is something you don't feel - why would you?

Please try and support her by showing you love and admire her strengths and her ability to pick up and make a new life for herself.
And would you be happier if she was sat at home grieving and unhappy? Needing you to give her non stop emotional support and your time?
Frankly you've not seen the life she's led for the past several years as you've been busy getting on with your own life. Would your dad want her to spend (more) years miserable and in stasis?
In fact im quite sure you're being unreasonable and unfair about your mum, and you're not seeing her as an equal human being to you, with the same rights to love, joy, excitement and happiness as you have.

You're crying because it's a sign an absolute sign that your dad has gone. That "home", which for you for many years meant mum looking after poorly dad, has so utterly changed, vanished.

Of she nursed your dad for a long time before he died then she had a long time to process him no longer being there after he died.
Just because she's met somebody new doesn't mean she loved your dad any less, it just means someone is able to help her smile in her grief - you have to stop seeing grief and happiness as completely separate entities. Your mum will grieve for your dad for the rest of her life, as will you, but that doesn't mean she doesn't deserve some happiness too - and you're spoiling that.
It's not like you're going to be thrown together all the time as you live so far apart but seriously, meeting someone for a quick coffee that's helping make your mum happy again isn't too big an ask, surely?

How happy would you be for your mum to come and live with you?

To spend all of your annual leave travelling with your mum (& solely her, your DH or DC couldn't come)?

How happy would you be to spend most evenings and weekends with your mum, possibly to the detriment of your hobbies, husband and time with your DC?

Unless you are prepared to be your mother's partner and fill that gap for her, you can't get pissy about her having a partner.

You're basically telling her; "I want you to live alone, have no one to go on holiday with, no one to watch the TV with in the evening, no one to go shopping with and cook dinner with and chat to, no one to have sex with or cuddle at night."

Whilst what you want for your mum would make you comfortable, do you understand that's not a very happy life for her to lead?

This isn't about you, this is about your mum's day-to-day life and if you're not going to be in it, you can't expect her to have no one to make you more "comfortable", that's just not fair.

He had a long and awful illness and my mum cared for him for many years. She's an adventurous person but couldn't go out much at all.

You were on the other side of the planet and she was left with it. Now she's not allowed to live her life to satisfy her daughter who couldn't or wouldn't be there for her to help.

Have a think about it.

Your poor Mum - spent years caring for her terminally ill DH and now her daughter, who lives "on the other side of the planet" resents and is trying to deny her happiness. Stop being so selfish.

I actually think your mum has handled it well, if she sticks to one coffee in a public place for your initial meeting. You can just say hello and sit at the table with everyone letting them lead the chatting. There’s no pressure to do anymore. If you’re feeling wobbly excuse yourself to go to the toilet or get a glass of water. After an hour or so, if you’ve had enough you could say you’re going to pop to the shops or something and the others can ring to meet up again when they’re finished.

This has made me weep on the train. Thank you, I think this is completely right.

Comments are very helpful thank you everyone.

Your poor mum. You are being very selfish...do you want her to have an empty, unfulfilled life?