To not want to meet my mum's new boyfriend

[HeartofAss]

My dad died mid last year and I am still grieving. He had a long and awful illness and my mum cared for him for many years. She's an adventurous person but couldn't go out much at all. I felt for her but live very far away (other side of planet) and so while I went home as much as I could, it wasn't much.

She found a new man very quickly after dad died. She told me about eight months after his death but I think it actually started about four months after.

My head says, it is her time, good for her, glad she is happy.

But my heart, I cry when I even think about it. I can't sleep when she mentions him in a text. I can't talk to her without crying. I find it very very very upsetting. (My sister is the same as me, although not sure that's relevant).

My mum has booked to come visit us for a month (next month, October) and we have planned a ton of fun stuff together. The other man won't be coming on that visit.

Last night she asked if, on my next trip home at Christmas, she could bring him on the holiday I've booked for us all.

I said, I'm not ready. If you were asking for tomorrow or next week I'd say absolutely not. I can't predict how I will feel in a few months. I am getting there but I am not there yet.

She said, we are very steady, he is my life now and you need to think about your mum not just your dad.

We left it there and moved on to other topics.

AIBU?

I really think if I meet him in this mental state I will hate the poor man no matter what, and might be very rude. Or I might not be able to talk to him at all, I would likely just cry.

OP isn't saying her mum should be with her partner or that she disapproves just that she's not ready to meet him. I don't think thats unreasonable at all.

as long as you let your mum know that you don't begrudge her happiness and she should live her life to the fullest you should process your grief in your own time and your mum should let you.

I can understand. The loss of your dad is very recent really.
I think meeting for a coffee is perhaps a good idea though, he may be very nice and let's be honest he is distracting your mother from her grief.
I say this as someone who lost a father young leaving what was a youngish (50) lively mother. My mother has endured over 20 years of grief alone. Her choice, she doesn't believe in re marriage or bringing men into a family with children.
But it places a heavy burden on us her children as she is always alone.
Somewhere there is a balance, try and find it.

I’ve been seeing a therapist for a completely different problem.

We’ve been discussing how self talk and the subconscious can fix and strengthen neural pathways. Ive been learning how not to dwell on my thoughts and to push them away when I feel myself ruminating. My issue is recovering from long term verbal abuse, and I need to stop dwelling on the past so I can move forward.

I’m not going to say stop thinking about your dear dad, heavens no. But when you do, perhaps add in some self talk along the lines of “mum deserves a happy life” or “perhaps this new man is so lovely, I’ll even like him”.

Theres a million other things you could say to yourself/ dad would want her to be happy/she’s probably finding it hard to be alone/if someone else is looking after her, then I won’t feel guilty for living so far away/etc, etc.

I understand you are grieving, but can you try to think of them as two separate issues. Your dads passing, and your mums ‘rest of her life’.

Id suggest therapy if you can afford it. It sounds like you need some help to manage all these overwhelming emotions. Nearly everyone goes through something in their life that floors them.

Bless you.

It may not have a time limit, but there is a reasonable level beyond which you're letting it take over your life.

Of course I wouldn't expect a woman who has recently had a miscarriage to come to a baby shower if it would cause hurt or upset, but this isn't recent - he died mid last year and they're talking about Christmas. It's an 18 month gap!

I have a family member who lost her mum after a long illness a decade ago. Though I had known family member for several years I had never met her mum but was of course sympathetic to her. She still hasn't started moving on. She insists on having a place set for her every Christmas with the urn containing her ashes on the table where the plate should be. She asked at a family wedding to have a chair reserved for her mum to bring the urn - her mum would never have been invited to this wedding if she was alive. She cries about missing her mum every time we see her, we have all refused friend requests on social media because her mum is all she posts about. You say grief has no time limit but it is her grief that is damaging her mental health.

OP has mentally linked this mans existence to her dads death in such a way she admits she sobs and can't sleep if she so much as thinks about it, even over a year on. OP needs to break this link and deal with her grief. If it is still this strong, she should consider whether this grief is healthy for her mental health and seek help in processing her grief and moving forwards.

I think you're being rather harsh, especially when she looked after your dad for all that time when he was sick. She put her life on hold to care for your dad, and now all she's asking is to introduce you to someone who's important to her.

I understand why you feel like this OP, but I do think you're being unreasonable I'm afraid.

You're seeing this man your Mum replacing your Dad, but she's not. This is a separate person, a separate relationship, it doesn't lessen the love your Mum and Dad shared at all, and it doesn't mean your Mum has forgotten about your Dad.

Try and put yourself in your Mum's shoes. She's lost the person she loves most in the world, but she's also not having to do her caring responsibilities either. So she's probably got this huge emotional hole in her heart, and all this extra time on her hands to wallow in it. Instead of doing that she's trying to fill her life again. This new relationship may not last, ones like this often don't, but it's filling your Mum's time, keeping her busy.

But she's probably feeling immensely guilty about it. You're struggling with the idea of meeting this man, and it's probably partly because you subconsciously think that by meeting him you're disrespecting your Dad, or replacing him. Your Mum probably has the same feeling, but x1000. But the alternative for her is spending the rest of her life alone and unhappy.

For you, meeting this man seems like something that's unnecessary at this point, something that only has a downside, but think of what it will mean to your Mum.

It'd be a sign to her that it's OK for her to fill her life, that she doesn't have to feel guilt or shame about it. If you don't meet him, she has to carry those feelings around for what, another year?

This is true

But when WILL it be ok and how long must she be alone before it's ok?

Personally I feel you aren't considering your mums feelings. Do you want her to be alone? Would your dad of wanted her to be alone? Please consider everything rather than just your feelings.

@Bobbotgegrinch if the OPs mother needs her to validate the relationship and absolve her of guilt and shame then that is a sign that she isn’t ready herself.

The OP can’t make herself ready - could she do with some counselling yes

The key thing you're ignoring is that OP isn't asking her to give up the relationship, she's just not ready to meet her mum's boyfriend.

It’s totally reasonable to not be ready to meet him. You’re still grieving.

You’re not disapproving of him, and nor are you denying your mother’s relationship, you’re just not ready to meet him. You have no less a right to feel the way you do than she has.

Are your kids adults?

I highly doubt the OP's mum is going to be bringing home a string of boyfriends.

I lost my mum and my father was in a terrible mess. He met someone else who cared for him till he died.

No-one has a right to stop their parents being happy

Maybe she's just happy

Maybe she wants the people who matter most to her to meet.

Who says she feels guilty? If her husband was terribly ill she lost him long before he died. How long must she wait?

Im going against the grain here but I do think that it’s a worthwhile thing to not pander to your mental health all the time. Sometimes, life is difficult and things happen that we struggle with. I guarantee that every single person reading this will suffer bereavement. I’d be horrified by the thought that if I died, my kids would still be sobbing and resenting my dh having a new life after 18 months. Unable to even meet and be civil to their new partner. Maybe grief counselling is in order because imo she’s being unreasonable-not maybe in her feelings but in her inability to show grace to her mother-who looked after her father selflessly while the op was living on the other side of the planet.

I think it's fine to say I'm happy for you but I'm still not ready, if it changes before Christmas I'll let you know but I'll be back next year and I hope it will be different.

OP isn't stopping her mother being happy.

This is a key thing that’s lots of posters keep ignoring.

Why do posters keep going on about her mum putting her life on hold to look after her sick dad etc when this is completely irrelevant and only serves to guilt trip OP into doing something she doesn’t want to do.

Why are posters ignoring the fact that OP has not said anything about not wanting her mum to be with him etc and she says she will meet him but just not yet.

Meeting your ex husbands new wife can be awkward.
I can’t even imagine what it must feel like meeting your mums new boyfriend whilst you’re still grieving the loss of your dad.

Bobotdegrinch did

and that’s fine I assume that is reason but that doesn’t mean the OP needs to

When my father died, my mum met someone else pretty quick. Well, she'd previously had an affair with him (I didn't know that) and they got back together soon after my father died.

We weren't happy about it BUT she was really devastated and couldn't cope and it wasn't my place to add to her unhappiness or make her life any more difficult by getting funny about things (and she did love the new man).

I don't know how old your mum is but she probably wants to have some life and love while she still can.

And she very much wants your blessing.

My father died when I was young - I sabotaged every relationship my mum had. I was so selfish and let my own grief get in the way. She ended up alone. Whilst I then got married and was happy.
He does not replace your dad - you don't have to like him but she deserves to be happy and you have to accept that as hard as it is.
She is still alive and deserves to live.

It wouldn't be fair on him to meet him when you're not ready, and your mum should know that.

Don't rush anything, you will regret it.

Thanks again everyone. Really appreciate all these thoughts. I hadn't thought I was the kind of person who needs grief counselling but I can see now that perhaps I am and it would help.

I totally agree. Sometimes in life you’ve got to take shit on the chin and try not to feel like a victim