To not want to meet my mum's new boyfriend

[HeartofAss]

My dad died mid last year and I am still grieving. He had a long and awful illness and my mum cared for him for many years. She's an adventurous person but couldn't go out much at all. I felt for her but live very far away (other side of planet) and so while I went home as much as I could, it wasn't much.

She found a new man very quickly after dad died. She told me about eight months after his death but I think it actually started about four months after.

My head says, it is her time, good for her, glad she is happy.

But my heart, I cry when I even think about it. I can't sleep when she mentions him in a text. I can't talk to her without crying. I find it very very very upsetting. (My sister is the same as me, although not sure that's relevant).

My mum has booked to come visit us for a month (next month, October) and we have planned a ton of fun stuff together. The other man won't be coming on that visit.

Last night she asked if, on my next trip home at Christmas, she could bring him on the holiday I've booked for us all.

I said, I'm not ready. If you were asking for tomorrow or next week I'd say absolutely not. I can't predict how I will feel in a few months. I am getting there but I am not there yet.

She said, we are very steady, he is my life now and you need to think about your mum not just your dad.

We left it there and moved on to other topics.

AIBU?

I really think if I meet him in this mental state I will hate the poor man no matter what, and might be very rude. Or I might not be able to talk to him at all, I would likely just cry.

I had this and it was so hard; my mum also didn’t handle it in the best way and I was surrounded by people saying “at least your mum has found happiness and that I should be happy for her” which obviously I wanted her to be happy but that attitude very much invalidated my feelings.
However I did actually find it easier when I met him and knew that he wasn’t trying to replace my dad, he respected my dads memory and was a thoroughly good person.
It’s been over ten years now and I still look back and think it was too quick and it was handled badly but I’m also glad that he is a part of our lives .
I do wonder from your post if you would benefit from grief counselling ; I had it and found it very useful. I’m not suggesting that it will change you wanting to meet him and that’s not the purpose but it might help how it’s impacting you

I agree with pp. Also, do you think it’s possible that some of your feelings are because you’re viewing your mum’s relationship with her partner as her simply replacing your dad as if he didn’t matter? That is not what she has done.

Maybe if you meet him, with an open mind, you might actually feel better about this. You might actually see how this person is very good for your mum.

She looked after her husband through illness. She has been grieving that whole time. It is not up to you or anyone else how she deals with her grief. Including what timeframe she remains single after his death.

I completely understand where you're coming from OP. After DM died, DF asked someone out within about 3 months (against my advice and she said no!), then online dating and met his now DW after about 5-6months. I found it extremely hard going and emphasise with your feelings.

However. Like you, I live a long way away. I wasn't in the position to spend much time with DF and I knew that she made him happy. I would hate for him to be lonely. I also knew that (rightly or wrongly) my relationship with DF would be affected if I didn't make some effort with him partner, the same way it would have it DF had refused to even meet my (then) partner.

Bottom line us that I love my DF, and I want a good relationship with him. I also want him to be happy, as none of us live forever. I think in a weird way, it's a tribute to how much he enjoyed being with DM, that he wanted to replicate it. If he'd have hated being married to her, he probably would have stayed single!

Look, I think everyone understands why you find the prospect so upsetting, as a sign your dad is really gone, but I don’t think your mum is being unreasonable to want to introduce you casually to her new boyfriend if you’re only home once a year.

A friend is currently supporting her widowed father at the other end of the country — her mother died a year and a half ago and he’s still regularly crying and distraught when she visits. I know she would also find it upsetting to meet a new girlfriend, but she would also be delighted there was someone else in his life, and a sign her dad saw something in his life other than grieving.

I do T think the OP is being unreasonable- she isn’t judging or saying her mum shouldn’t have the relationship and as far as I can see isn’t judging her for it.

she is simply saying she isn’t ready - not that the OP never will be just that right now she isn’t abd if she meets him it could actually impact on their future relationship

OP I would maybe say that you are completely supportive of her relationship but actually these visits you want to be about you and her developing your relationship outside of her simply being a carer for your Dad. To do things together that you couldn’t before and have a chance to get closure on your dad dying.

and then next time when you are ready you will be happy to meet him

That’s not unreasonable, except her mother’s point is that the OP only comes home once a year at Christmas, if she doesn’t meet the boyfriend this coming Christmas, she won’t meet him until Christmas 2024. Unless he comes on a visit with her mum to where the OP lives, which would be far more difficult than a casual coffee for the OP.

A few days ago l had this conversation with a friend. Her dear mum died and her dad met someone else. Initially she was totally shocked but herself and her siblings agreed to rise above their own grief and support their Dad even though it really upset them. They never expected it as they saw their dad in a completely different light. He got married again at 60 and went on to live 30 more years with his new wife whom they grew to love. She totally changed their dad's old age as she lovingly cared for him as he grew frail. His dc had very little care for him until the very end. Looking back she says it was the best thing ever happened. He got to travel, had companionship, and in the end was never alone which meant a lot to them. She still misses her mum but has a good relationship now with her dad's new wife.
I also have a friend whose Mom lost their dad at 40 and never tried to meet anyone else..her choice. But her dd wishes she had as she leaned a lot on her from a young age and became very dependent. Her dd is all for people meeting a new partner.
You will be glad eventually your mum is happy and not alone and hopefully with a good man. She gave your dad everything until the end and now deserves happiness. Do support her.

You are being beyond unreasonable. Your poor poor mother. She looked after your father for years, those years were more hard on her than you can ever imagine, and now you're behaving like a brat because she is in a relationship that makes her happy and she is fully committed to. My father cared for my mother through a long and devasting illness and I saw first hand the massive and ongoing toll that took on him. He hasn't got anyone else, but if he had I would have been overjoyed. He has paid enough and so has your mother. You need to suck it up and meet her new partner generously and joyfully.

You have lost your dad don’t risking losing the close relationship with your mum who is still here.
You sound like you would rather your mum sit alone quietly weeping over the loss of your dad than her getting out there and making a life for herself. You aren’t even close by to help her fill the empty days.
You are being incredibly selfish.
My dad passed away after a long illness, my mum nursed him for 2 years. I would be so happy for her if she found someone else. I live very close to her and so do her grandchildren and we see her regularly but that is not a substitute for a romantic relationship.

I’m probably your mother’s age and I’d feel incredibly sad if my DD who had her own life thousands of miles away had a strop because I’d dared to carry on with life after caring for my beloved husband and putting him first for years. Are you sure that your anger isn’t partly directed at yourself for feeling guilt that you lived so far away from your parents when they were going through an horrendous time. Not that that’s justified-most parents want their children to spread their wings-but you are being mean to your poor mum. If you really can’t meet him for a couple of hours, tell your mum but ensure you tell her it’s about you not her.

Completely agree. Yes, you're grieving, OP, but this isn't all about you. Your mum was left with all the work and stress, and you need to find it in yourself to be happy for her now.

I think your mums rightly so allowed to move on ,but you are allowed to grieve and that has no time scale .
I wouldn’t be pushed into this. Tell
your mum not this time/year but next .

Explaon your still grieving and it’s nothing personal about her partner and she deserves to be happy but you personally are not ready to meet her man .

You are not being selfish!

Going against the grain, I think your feelings are valid, normal and fine. It's too soon. As you've said she can do as she wishes but you don't have to upset yourself for the sake of it.
I'm a single mum. I wouldn't introduce my kids to a boyfriend for a long time- wouldn't even consider it- and their dad hasn't even died.
When you're ready you can meet him.

My dad started a relationship with someone who asked him out in an email she'd sent him apologising that she could attend my mother's funeral. Now, she was exactly the kind of person who would start a relationship with someone when their wife's only been dead 2 weeks; and it turns out she was also the kind of person who would barge into a family Christmas 5 months afterwards as well. He's now seeing the nicest, kindest lady who cares for him, and his family, and I'm sure she's got a calendar on the go which ensures she only comes to 50% of family gatherings, even though we'd happily have her to all of them.

I did the all "it's not about me" for GF#1. Made no difference, I'd drop kick her off a high balcony even now 10 years later. Perhaps your mum's boyfriend is more of a GF#2 - perhaps if you saw them together it would make sense for you?

Whilst this is a really hard situation I agree that your mums life isn’t about you and you should be supporting her as she moves forwards, especially as it sounds like her life was on hold whilst she was a carer and you offered little to help her in that role.

she isn’t replacing your dad and she never will and you are allowed the grieve for as long as you need to, but, she is allowed to be happy and seek a life and a future and however you feel I really think you should park it in a box for a couple of hours and meet this person that is making your mum happy.

I understand how difficult it is. My mum passed away 3 years ago and within the last year my dad has moved on to a new relationship. So slower than your mum has but also my mums illness and death was very sudden and quick, I’d imagine your mum had a long time to come to kind of come to terms with it all and so it was a bit different.
Ultimately, she’s been through so much caring for him and losing him, but she had a long journey of having to do that and she deserves to be happy and put herself first.
You need to try and think of her happiness above your grief. But of course if you think you’ll potentially be rude to him, it’s best to tell her honestly the reason for it, that you’re happy for her, but that you’d rather meet him when you feel ready.
For what it’s worth, my dads new partner is amazing and we have a lovely relationship. She’ll never replace my mum of course, but I can see how much happier he is now after being very depressed when mum died.

I think this is fair
Your Mum has had a terrible job of supporting & caring for her diminishing partner... You weren't there.
She is still a whole person, she is not just an old woman who's life is over & will be the next to shuffle off.
Imagine if she grieved for the rest of her life, miserable & needy & alone.

You should get grief councelling

YABU but I understand why. Think you need to just meet the man-your mum sounds like she is trying to introduce him gently. Could you meet her in the middle? I know it's hard. Don't ostracise your Mum-as much as you must miss your Dad-and I'm sure she does too-she is the parent that is still here.

I lost my Dad nearly 5 years ago in very similar circumstances. My Mum hasn't 'moved on' but if she did now, I would be so happy for her. However, I think I'd of felt like you if my Mum had moved on in the same time frame.

As hard as it is, think logically. He is not there to replace your much loved Dad. He is there as company for your mother who must be feeling all sorts of feelings herself. From absolute devastation to relief that her years of caring are finally over. Its ok for you to feel sad in private and its good you are communicating with your Mum about you feeling uncomfortable. But for her sake, please try and feel some happiness for her.

I'm sorry you're going through this, it's a very hard situation to be in OP. I lost my father unexpectedly, within 6 months my mum met this new man and 6 months after that they were engaged. It was very quick and I didn't have time to come to terms with it as I was still grieving my father.

My mother had leant on me very heavily for the first few months and while family rallied around her I was very much left to get on with it - work, support her (multiple phone calls a day during work and driving up and down the country), and sort out the paperwork. I didn't really have time to grieve properly. Then she met new man and quite literally buggered off into the sunset and now I rarely see her or hear from her. In a way it feels like I lost my father and my mother. My family home is now her-and-husband's house.

I still don't really want to see him or his family. Its not them, they're perfectly nice people, but they've arrived too quickly for me to get my head around and in all honesty I have zero interest in them. I am glad my mum is happy but I am also resentful that I have been left behind after getting no support when I was grieving, and I get annoyed when my mum tries to push the relationship between me and her new family.

I feel very cut off and like my whole family has disappeared in the space of two years. It is really, really difficult to deal with and you have my sympathy.

I would recommend some grief counselling - it hasn't changed the way I feel about the situation but it has made me more able to accept it. It helped me understand that I hadn't been able to grieve properly and allowed me to have the space to do so.

If you're able to I would encourage you to meet briefly for a coffee, but I would also say if you're not ready then you're not ready and that is just as valid.

You are being very unreasonable but you know this

Time is the issue. If you you live so far away and visit once a year then if you don't meet him this time it won't be for another year

I get you are grieving but so is your mum

I have had a husband die. I was 37. We were together 19yrs as met as teenager

When he died my heart was smashed into a million pieces and whole world collapsed

Someone who is in your life - day in day out suddenly isn't

But other peoples lives go on as did mine

I met someone 9mths after my dh dies died. Wasn't looking or expecting it but it happened and felt right and we have been together 11yrs - are married and have our 6yr old

It's great your mum has met someone. You aren't in her day to day life. She is prob lonely

When I met my now second dh I used to say this to people

When your first child is born you love them so much and can't imagine loving another person the same

Then no 2 comes. Doesn't mean you love no 1 any less or no 2 any more

You just love them both

It's the same for partners

Your mum will always love your dad

But to be blunt. He is dead. She cared for him when poorly /dying

But she is still alive but was alone

Now she has met someone who has made her smile and laugh and love again

Doesn't she deserve this ?

My mum died 9yrs ago. I would have loved for my dad to have met someone

Mainly as I know how he felt after being together for almost 20yrs how sad lonely and heartbroken I was

He as double that time with my mum

My parents were 3mths off their 50th wa

Please do think about meeting him. If only for a quick coffee

Im so sorry you're grieving, we all grieve in different ways. Id really urge you to get some support for how you're feeling, it is good that you know that its about wanting to be respectful to him but I really hope you can find a way through that.
I know this will sound harsh, a father and child relationship is absolutely golden, BUT it is not an all consuming relationship, you live on the other side of the world so while you miss presumably seeing your dad when you return and talking to him, the rest of your life continues as normal. Hers does not. Every single detail of her life changed from waking up in the morning to going to bed at night, all her future dreams and what she had thought that would look like, if she has been brave and found a way to be happy again then whether 4 months or 40... it will have been extremely hard and does not diminish the love for your father.
I really hope you can get there for her sake Xx

@ auntiemarys Absolutely uncalled for this woman has lost her dad and she's struggling no need to be so nasty

Op I lost my dad last year to a really nasty disease and I miss him every day so I know how you feel. I would love my mum to meet someone new because seeing how lonely she is without him is heartbreaking.

It's not that she is trying to replace your dad it's the fact that she was probably so happy with your dad that she knows the happiness having someone in her life can bring and wants a 2nd chance at happiness.

I had the same situation with my Dad, i met his new lady friend but really never took to her but that was because she was vile. I really didn't want my Dad sitting at home staring at 4 walls so i was called he had someone, shame she was a bitch. Go and meet him for a coffee, don't deny your mum some company.

I think people calling you selfish are being very unkind. You’re grieving, and your grief is at a different stage to your mum’s grief. It’s likely she was already grieving who your dad used to be when he was still alive.

I’d be honest with your mum and say what you’ve said here. At the moment your grief is still very raw, and despite being happy for your mum you don’t trust yourself not to cry, or be rude. And that isn't going to help anyone. She should understand. She can’t hurry you through your grieving, just as much as you can’t slow her down.

Sending you a big hug. I’m very sorry for your loss.