To not want to meet my mum's new boyfriend

[HeartofAss]

My dad died mid last year and I am still grieving. He had a long and awful illness and my mum cared for him for many years. She's an adventurous person but couldn't go out much at all. I felt for her but live very far away (other side of planet) and so while I went home as much as I could, it wasn't much.

She found a new man very quickly after dad died. She told me about eight months after his death but I think it actually started about four months after.

My head says, it is her time, good for her, glad she is happy.

But my heart, I cry when I even think about it. I can't sleep when she mentions him in a text. I can't talk to her without crying. I find it very very very upsetting. (My sister is the same as me, although not sure that's relevant).

My mum has booked to come visit us for a month (next month, October) and we have planned a ton of fun stuff together. The other man won't be coming on that visit.

Last night she asked if, on my next trip home at Christmas, she could bring him on the holiday I've booked for us all.

I said, I'm not ready. If you were asking for tomorrow or next week I'd say absolutely not. I can't predict how I will feel in a few months. I am getting there but I am not there yet.

She said, we are very steady, he is my life now and you need to think about your mum not just your dad.

We left it there and moved on to other topics.

AIBU?

I really think if I meet him in this mental state I will hate the poor man no matter what, and might be very rude. Or I might not be able to talk to him at all, I would likely just cry.

I think you need to dig deep and accept the situation your mum hasn’t and never will replace your dad

she’s been to hell and back nursing your dad losing her life partner and her dreams of a future

please please let her build a future and find happiness
your not going to be the one sat lonely 1/2 way round the other side of the world

My mums on her own a similar situation with my dad had her wings clipped for years
she seems happy on her own but if anything my dad’s death showed my was she needs to make the absolute most of what time shes got left hand on heart if she met someone I’d be delighted to see her living the time she got left

You call him 'the other man' which strongly indicates you see this as your mother betraying your father. If you see it like this then it's always going to be difficult for you. It of course isn't a betrayal on any level, but until you realise that it isn't about you and your mother hasn't betrayed your dad, it's going to be tough on you.

My father explained it to me thus: I love your step mother, but that in no way diminishes let alone replaces the love I have for your mother. I am a lucky man to have two great loves in my life.

YANBU OP but nor is your mum. I completely understand how you feel and I think you’ve handled it delicately by simply saying that you’re not ready to meet this man yet. I disagree with posters saying you are selfish - you’re still grieving and you are perfectly entitled to hold off meeting the man for a bit longer. How about saying to your mum that you’re so glad she’s found someone to keep her company especially as you live so far away and you will be happy to meet him after they’ve dated for a year or so. And then give yourself that time to grieve your dad but also get used to the fact that her life has moved on.
I’m really sorry this is so hard on you, I’m sure it’s also very hard on your mum. She probably still feels she’s doing something wrong, what a big step it was for her to broach the subject with you.

Holding it off for a year of it is a serious relationship isn’t going to mean a lot in the grand scheme of things if it gives the OP the time she needs to heal. She isn’t saying her mum shouldn’t be happy she is saying she isn’t ready and there is no timeline for that

we are programmed to the idea that there is the potential for multiple partners, someone moving on from the loss of a partner is normal. We only have two biological parent they are not so replaceable

Hi OP. When my mum died after an illness my Dad entered a new relationship in just under a year with a women who had the same name as my mum. I felt hurt, like my mum had been forgotten and that my original home was not mine anymore. I did my best and made this women very welcome. I found it hard for all of the time they were together. She made him happy, I know that.

My advice would be to be honest with yourself as to how you feel. it is okay to feel like this. But also be wise enough to know that you need to be good to your mum and welcome this man in- I know though that it will be hard.

Most life events happen when we are 'not ready' for them to happen. You probably were not ready to lose your father, but it happened and you dealt with it. You can deal with this much smaller and more benign thing.

I nursed my husband though cancer, firstly he had palliative care then he moved on to become terminally ill but from the moment he got his diagnosis we knew what lay ahead and the grief starts then, it was most likely the same for your mum. Her finding someone new doesn't diminish the love she felt for your dad or the love she feels for her children, I know my husband wanted me to have a new relationship once he was gone, he didn't want me to spend the rest of my life alone, I think that is a conversation lots of people have when they are faced with the future that we were. You never 'move on' from losing your partner in a loving relationship, the person will always be a part of your life and you always love them but there is room in your life to love someone else too. That new person isn't a replacement for the person who is lost.

You are presumably an adult woman and you have to be able to differentiate different kinds of relationships. This man is not a replacement dad.

You will never have that. Instead he is just a man who provides your mum with companionship, support and comfort. It sounds like you live some distance away from your mum and are not able to provide much in the way of practical, in real life, companionship or support yourself and so in your shoes I would just be delighted that she had found it somewhere else.

If, as a grown woman, you can not put your own feelings to one side and treat a stranger who has done you no wrong with the basics of respect then I honestly would consider grief counselling. He is not trying to be your dad. Their relationship is none of your business. He's just a man who loves your mum. That's ok.

This. Sorry, OP. Sending love. X

There’s no suggestion he will be her new father.

OP, I understand you completely. There are posters saying you are selfish, but you are clearly grieving for your Dad. Also, you are not saying that your mum can't have a boyfriend and be happy, just that you do not want to meet him. He is nothing to do with you and your own life.

That's what I say @Ariela

I am lucky that I have loved and am loved /have been loved by 2 men

Many people don't even meet one partner

I have met 2 in my lifetime 💕

Kindly, you do need to find a way to accept this man that makes your mum happy. You’re an adult and this is on you to work through.

This is not about you but her, being selfish won't help her

Losing a spouse and losing a parent are not the same experience.

A spouse can grieve, but go on to find another spouse (or spouse-like) person.
You can’t do that with a parent. You only get the two.

Which makes the grieving process different. With a hard end of a road, rather than the prospect of a new fork showing up as you trudge along it.

I’ve known many adults who lost a parent. The vast majority struggled to at least some extent when their surviving parent “replaced” their lost parent with a new partner. Those that struggled really hard were in a situation where their surviving parent got a new partner quite early on in their child’s grieving process.

It’s OK to feel the way you do. Grief takes its own sweet time to work through us. It’s also more than fine to explain to your surviving parent that you are nowhere near where they are on the grief road yet. And you will catch up with them when you can. A two way street relationship allows for people to separate some aspects of their lives until they both feel ready to mix them back together.

Big, fat hug. Loss is so hard, and it can be a lot more complicated in practice than it seemed when it was just theory.

I'm sorry for your loss but kindly yabu. Your poor mum will have grieved for your dad for years as she cared for him whilst you lived on the other side of the world. She will have been in a different place when he died. It is quite common for dying partners to encourage the people they love to move forward and meet someone else. Your dad may well have had this conversation with her. Her meeting a new partner does not diminish her love for your dad. Ask yourself, would you honestly be happier if she was sad and alone? Your acceptance really matters to her because she loves you. Try to find it in your heart to meet her new partner and allow her your blessing to be happy. Maybe grief counseling could help you move forwards.

That isn’t my point, it was that she should be allowed to grieve her father whom she cannot replace in her own time.

She isn’t stopping her mum living her own life and neither should she but being emotionally blackmailed into meeting him by her mu saying she needs to put her first

they both need to respect the others grieving process

I think this is a lovely post. OP relationship with her Dad is very different (obviously) than her Mums. We can have several partners in life, we only get one Dad.

I don't think you are being selfish OP. Your feelings are your feelings, your grieving is your process to go through and is unique to you. Take as long as you need.

I'm going to go against the grain and say YANBU.

I would spell it out to your mum kindly. "Mum, I am genuinely happy for you, you cared for dad and it's now your time etc. but I don't need to be a part of it; it's too soon for my own grieving process. I wish you the very best but please don't try to push him onto me"

With complete kindness you are being unreasonable. And he’s not ‘the other man’. When someone is sick for a long time and you’re their carer, the loss can often be painful and gradual over a protracted period of time whereas for people on outside, which even though it was your dad, you were on the outside, it can feel very sudden. Your mum deserves happiness and the same chance of happiness you and your sister would afford yourselves. It’s not fair to your mum, she’s done her absolute best by your dad by the sounds of it and it must have been very hard for her. I’m very sorry for your loss. 💐

I lost my Dad not so long ago. I cant in a million years imagine my Mum turning up with another man and acting all normal like nothings happened.....but you know what, I'd actually want her to because she deserves happiness just like we all do. I know you're finding this hard, but you need to also consider your Mums grief in all of this. You've spent a couple of times a year there, she spent every day. We lost my Dad to a long horrible illness, my Mum is traumatised with what she had to deal with and witness.

Please find a way to go easy on your Mum. Your Dad is irreplaceable, no one is trying to take his place please remember that ❤️

I have a very close friend in a similar situation.

Her father has moved on but my friend has said she’s not ready to meet his new gf and she doesn’t know when she will be. Her mum also died just over a year ago. She has said she wants him to be happy but she can’t face seeing them together yet. I don’t think you are doing anything wrong. You are not selfish, you are grieving and everyone needs a different amount of time.

You can’t spend your entire existence with it being your ‘mum and dad’ and now after such a short time it’s ‘mum & X’

Take your time.

YANBU

Your mum is being very selfish.

There is absolutely no need to meet him just yet and your feelings shouldn’t be put aside just to make her happy.

I would tell her that you are happy that she is happy and you have nothing against him, but that you are just not at that stage yet and she’s you’re ready you’ll let her know.

I’m sorry your mum isn’t thinking about your feelings right now and putting her own above yours and your sisters.

There is a lot of truth in this. and also
@Tinkerbyebye 's comment
It’s hard but if your dad was ill for a long time and you didn’t see them very often then it’s likely your mum was far more prepared for when he died than you and is far more likely to have done her grieving when your father was still alive

Im so sorry for your loss, it sounds like you are suffering.
I couldn't vote because YANBU to feel the way you feel, and you are acknowledging how you feel, which is really important.
I also couldn't vote because I don't think your DM is being unreasonable either. She clearly cares for you and has tried hard to find a way to resolve it.

In my recollection, grief post a death is a process made up of a series of firsts. The first time you visit a place you used to visit with the person who has passed. The first time you eat a meal you used to eat with them. 100s of mini firsts, which remind you they were there, now they are not. And then its the second and third time and so on. And each time becomes a little bit more normal, more everyday and doesn't have the same punch as when you think of the first time. It doesn't remove your grief for them, but it becomes less unbearable, easier to carry on with normal day to day, to visit familiar places and people in a more normal way although you still feel it keenly at times.

I think in your case, your Mum has already, even in the long illness and caring situation had longer to come to terms with it.
You've only had the time in your trips to experience the changes.

You've thought a lot about why you feel this way, as people have said let your mum know. A quick meeting in a neutral place for a coffee, does sound like a good way to break that first meeting barrier when you are ready. Wishing you and your DM all the best