To not want to meet my mum's new boyfriend

[HeartofAss]

My dad died mid last year and I am still grieving. He had a long and awful illness and my mum cared for him for many years. She's an adventurous person but couldn't go out much at all. I felt for her but live very far away (other side of planet) and so while I went home as much as I could, it wasn't much.

She found a new man very quickly after dad died. She told me about eight months after his death but I think it actually started about four months after.

My head says, it is her time, good for her, glad she is happy.

But my heart, I cry when I even think about it. I can't sleep when she mentions him in a text. I can't talk to her without crying. I find it very very very upsetting. (My sister is the same as me, although not sure that's relevant).

My mum has booked to come visit us for a month (next month, October) and we have planned a ton of fun stuff together. The other man won't be coming on that visit.

Last night she asked if, on my next trip home at Christmas, she could bring him on the holiday I've booked for us all.

I said, I'm not ready. If you were asking for tomorrow or next week I'd say absolutely not. I can't predict how I will feel in a few months. I am getting there but I am not there yet.

She said, we are very steady, he is my life now and you need to think about your mum not just your dad.

We left it there and moved on to other topics.

AIBU?

I really think if I meet him in this mental state I will hate the poor man no matter what, and might be very rude. Or I might not be able to talk to him at all, I would likely just cry.

How on earth can you say a woman who nursed her poorly husband until his death, more than likely ignoring her own life and wants and needs us selfish? You have a strange idea of what selfish is. But the OPs mum it is not.

Oh you pour soul. That post was wonderful and I get it I do. I did leave a post saying you were being unreasonable but you’re also being reasonable. Grief is awful. My mum died a year and a half ago and I still have a lot of days where I can’t even get my head around it. I don’t really like my dad and I didn’t love them as ‘mum and dad’. Just as mum. And dad. Even though they were together so I retract my previous post because I’m speaking of a situation I haven’t experienced where I’m invested in my parents as a couple and as ‘mum and dad’. I can only imagine how painful that must be. It’s your grief. It’s your heart and as much as your mum is entitled to do what she needs to, so are you. I really am so sorry you’re hurting.

YABVU - and seem like you might be a bit unaware of the horrendous toll being a loved ones palliative carer can be. She’s had a horrible, very lonely time and it’s so wonderful that she’s found love now. I think you’re being quite cruel to indulge in these feelings and treat her this way, she just wants you to meet him! Anyone can be polite and nice for a couple of hours. Be grateful that your mum has found company - especially because you live on the other side of the world!!

She is being selfish when it comes to her children.

It would make absolutely no difference to her or her relationship with this man if OP was to meet him just yet or not.

OP has not said anything about not wanting her mum to be in a relationship with him, she just simply isn’t ready to meet him herself just yet.

She has not said she’ll never meet him but just not yet.
She is still grieving the loss of her dad and is not in the right headspace to meet him.

Why is one woman’s wants more important than the mental health of another woman’s?

I don't think you're unreasonable, I just think you're not thinking objectively at the moment as you're still grieving. Grief has no time limit.
What I would say though is, your mum is right, you should also think about her as well as your dad.
Nobody is asking you to be best friends with her new partner or that he will take your dad's place. He makes your mum happy and by default you should be happy.
I would agree to the quick coffee meeting, it really won't be an imposition on your time. After which point, if it's too much then you don't have to meet him again. You at least owe it to your mum and your father wouldn't have wanted your mum to have been miserable and alone.

Your use of the words "other man" is off OP. I lost my dad 11 months ago, I'm struggling with grief so I get it, but you're tarnishing your mum's new relationship. The problem is with you, not with him.

C'mon OP, you know this isn't fair to your mum. We are here for a very short time, can you not just brace yourself and have a quick coffee with someone who is making her happy?! I know you are grieving, but this is selfish.

I think you need to separate your grief from loosing your dad from your mums life now. She deserves to live, it sounds like she put her life on hold for your dad.

It's a year or more from what you have written, I suggest that you speak to someone about this professionally to help you process your mums new life

I don't think you're being selfish at all. You can't help the way you feel. You're grieving and grieving is weird and brutal. Nobody gets to tell you how to grieve.

Can you say to your mum something like 'mum, I'm not trying to be selfish, I want to greet your new partner with the positivity and attention he deserves and I know you will want me to give him. I am glad he makes you happy; that's what I want for you. But I am still struggling with my grief and I need to get help with that first and to have time to work through it. Then I will be in a much better pace to get to know your lovely partner. I love you and want the very best for you. Please just give me a bit more time. I'm just not there yet.'

My other thought is that living so far away you haven't been able to process the changes in the same way, you are far from alone in this, happens to many, but a short (an hour perhaps) meeting is a good starting point just for you to meet him and exchange pleasantries. Perhaps try a longer meeting in your same visit if that goes well. She's in a different place to you so it's not easy but it's her life and she's going to be aware it can get snatched from you so life life now

How old are you OP? I lost my husband 11 years ago after a 12 year illness...brain tumour which was really hard in the last 4 years as he had lots of memory loss. I was 48 when he died, I'd been with him since I was 19. My children were 17 and 19 when he died. I was single for 6 years and did loads with my son and daughter and then I met someone and it was amazing...but I wasn't the best mum about it, I expected my children to accept him too soon and struggled when my daughter said she didn't want him staying over on the first night she met him...this was 3 months into our relationship as daughter was in London and me in Scotland. I will admit I was a bit selfish as it became all my new man and I did push them out a bit. And she resented me for it for a bit.

Fast forward 5 years and we are married and he and my daughter(and son) have a fantastic relationship. He is not her dad in any way but they get on great. I think they can see how kind he is to me and how he makes me happy.

My thoughts would be to sit down and have a good chat with your mum. Tell her how you feel again but I would meet him for a coffee when you come over just be civil and have a friendly chat. Maybe meet them somewhere where you can leave when you want.

It will take a while and it's pretty new for you as it's not long since your dad died, and as my daughter said to me " mum you'll never know what it's like to lose a parent as a teenager"(my dad is still here aged 91 and I only lost my mum last year...I am 60) he has missed so much of their adult life and their achievements.

Maybe some grief counseling would help too. Life has to move forward but I can understand where you are coming from completely.

I was also surprised at how much like a teenager I felt when I met my new husband....it was like being transported back 40 years!

Good luck and I hope you can come to peace and acceptance. Someone once said to me "you learn to live beside it" very true words.

This is such a manipulative post.

OP is struggling with her grief and mental health but you think she should suck it up just to make her mum happy.

You do realise grief and mental health doesn’t work like that.

There is absolutely no reason for her to do anything she doesn’t want to do.

Her meeting or not meeting him is going to have absolutely no effect on the mum’s relationship at all.

I think it’s normal that you’re upset - but you really need to think about the long term.

If you are unsupportive now and alienate this man, who your mum loves, if they’re together forever then she won’t forget that. it won’t feel as bad in a year but if you look back on your behaviour now you might have regrets.

Try and reframe it - your mum was a caregiver for so long and she lost her husband. She’s now found someone who makes her feel incredible (when you’re her age you have to grab every opportunity for love IMO) - try and think of how selfless she’s been and how selfish she deserves to be. Try and be happy she’s happy. You won’t feel upset forever after all.

I think you must know you are being very unreasonable.

Would it help to frame it as meeting a friend of your mums? You appear to have framed it as “the man mum has replaced dad with “ and you even refer to him as “the other man” which isn’t helping you.

Try to downplay it in your mind, he’s just your mum’s friend. Meet them for coffee but maybe ask that they cut out any pda if it’s going to upset you. You need to take it slowly but do try to move forward with your mum. 💐

Try and be able to do it for her - if it’s just a coffee, be what your mum wants. She’s been through a lot too. You’ve presumably got your own life to focus on so do what you can to focus on and let your mum live hers how she needs to.

OK if what way is OP trying to ‘destroy the happiness’ of her mum?! She’s not giving her an ultimatum she’s just dubious about meeting the guy.

WTF is wrong with some of you lot

I’m sorry your mum isn’t thinking about your feelings right now and putting her own above yours and your sisters.

And then there’s this total BA.

Why the fuck should a grown single woman consider anyone but herself when she dates a man

And your opinion is a very manipulative way of thinking.

Her meeting him is not causing hurt or pain to her mum in anyway but it would cause OP hurt and pain.

Why should she do this to herself?

Why is her grief and mental health not important?

Her mum is happy.
OP is happy that her mum is happy.

OP on the other hand is struggling and having ‘just a coffee’ could have massive implications for her MH.

That sounds like a tough situation and I really do feel for you. I’m so sorry for the loss your father. I can imagine it might feel too much too soon for you and you might almost feel like your mum is trying to “replace” your dad. You may see the start of this relationship the end of your mum and dads relationship.

However, your mum spent her time being your dads carer and has lost her husband who she loved / loves. She deserves happiness and it sounds like she has found it. I would really reconsider the way you go about things. What do you expect her do? Break up with this guy and sit indoors grieving all day. I think your mum is right in that you should also think about her feelings. Imagine how happy she will be if you was to message and say you are happy to meet him next time, but admittedly just find it hard because of losing your dad.

I’m so sorry again for the loss of your dad, but I really would want my mum to be happy again and at the end of the day I’m sure your dad would feel that way too xx sending hugs

@GoryBory her MH is important. So if her DMs. And yes, refusing to even say hello to him would cause hurt and upset.

*is even!

She's entitled to move on to a new relationship. She's NOT entitled to force her kids to spend time with her new man if they don't want to.

I'd just say no, not interested. Maybe in a few years, if they're still together, maybe never.

I'd also make it clear that if she springs him on you you will leave immediately, just in case she makes plans that depend on you feeling so awkward that you'll grit teeth and put up with it, rather than making a scene.

You're all entitled to grieve. If this is part of that process for you then so be it. You're not ruining anything for your Mum.

My head says you're being unreasonable but my heart says my mum died 2 years ago and tbh I wouldn't be keen for my dad to meet someone new even though I think he should be happy. 🤷‍♀️

There are some really odd posts here, I'm surprised at the ones saying YABU, your totally not.

It makes zero difference to the relationship if you meet him at Christmas. If it's serious he will still be there the Christmas after, and hopefully you'll have had more time to grieve and come round to the idea.

Don't let anyone make you feel bad, your relationship with your dad was an individual one so therefore the grieving will be individual to you, no one else gets to dictates how quickly you should be doing that.

Quite frankly your mum should also be thinking about her children's needs too, even though you're adults if you're not ready to meet, then I would hope she wouldn't force or manipulate you into doing so.