To not want to meet my mum's new boyfriend

[HeartofAss]

My dad died mid last year and I am still grieving. He had a long and awful illness and my mum cared for him for many years. She's an adventurous person but couldn't go out much at all. I felt for her but live very far away (other side of planet) and so while I went home as much as I could, it wasn't much.

She found a new man very quickly after dad died. She told me about eight months after his death but I think it actually started about four months after.

My head says, it is her time, good for her, glad she is happy.

But my heart, I cry when I even think about it. I can't sleep when she mentions him in a text. I can't talk to her without crying. I find it very very very upsetting. (My sister is the same as me, although not sure that's relevant).

My mum has booked to come visit us for a month (next month, October) and we have planned a ton of fun stuff together. The other man won't be coming on that visit.

Last night she asked if, on my next trip home at Christmas, she could bring him on the holiday I've booked for us all.

I said, I'm not ready. If you were asking for tomorrow or next week I'd say absolutely not. I can't predict how I will feel in a few months. I am getting there but I am not there yet.

She said, we are very steady, he is my life now and you need to think about your mum not just your dad.

We left it there and moved on to other topics.

AIBU?

I really think if I meet him in this mental state I will hate the poor man no matter what, and might be very rude. Or I might not be able to talk to him at all, I would likely just cry.

It's not as simple as that though, is it?

OP has stated that she can't even speak to her Mum about the situation without getting upset. Surely that alone make it not great timing to meet him in person?!

It would be awkward for all involved if OP was tearful during the meet.

She's not hurting her Mum if she needs time.

She is being selfish when it comes to her children.

So even parents with grown children have to forgo happiness to pander to their children’s unreasonabke feelings?

How ridiculous

You do know the kids aren’t children right? And one loves on the other side of the planet

YANBU OP. Your mum is doing what she wants which she is entitled to, but that shouldn't trump your feelings. If you aren't ready to meet him, that's how it is. You have every right to refuse and not meet him until you are ready. I say this seeing first hand the damage that the bereaved spouse moving on so quickly did to a friend of mine. Being forced to meet the new partner set them back badly in their grieving process. You can say kindly to your mum that you are happy that she's happy, but that you have to look after yourself too.

Why is one woman’s wants more important than the mental health of another woman’s?

Perhaps because people are not responsible for the MH of others?

@OrlandointheWilderness
Her mum is happy with this new man. She has been able to move on.

OP is struggling with her MH and is not able to move on just yet.

The person who is struggling shouldn’t have to just suck it up and get on with it as it doesn’t work like that.

I would never expect my DD to do something that would cause her upset or to become ill, especially if she was struggling with the loss of one of her parents.

I would hate if her dad tried to guilt trip her into meeting his new gf before she was ready.

As if the Mum's entire happiness depends on meeting her new man for coffee!!

She has the relationship, nobody is taking that away rom her.

Your dad had a long illness and your mum cared for him while you were on the other side of the planet.

She grieved him as she lost him, she saw your dad disappear before her very eyes as she cared for him. You didn't seen the decline like she did, for you the event he was gone was his death, to her he may well have no longer been her husband for a long while before. His death to her would have been the final part of this huge loss she had already been experiencing, for you it was the beginning.

You lost your dad, she had already lost her husband, but now she had her life back again after years of prioritising caring for your dad. 4 months isn't too soon in my eyes given her circumstances. Had he died suddenly and unexpectedly yes.

He died mid last year, at Christmas it will be 18 months. You will always love and grieve your dad but at 18 months you need to start to move on, he wouldn't want you still this distraught so long after. This man isn't trying to replace your dad, he's a man making your mum happy after years of pain, and possibly being very lonely caring for your dad. You need to seperate him in your head from the loss of your dad. Actively try to bring yourself to a place where you can meet him for a coffee and be happy for your mum, be happy she has someone when you are so far away.

I hope the arguments on this thread don’t send you away OP when you’re looking for support.

My mum also started dating a new partner 4 or so months after my dad died. I think she had to ‘get back on the horse’ quickly or else she never would. I wouldn’t have wanted her to spend the rest of her life without that kind of love (and sex, sorry but that’s a fact!). I have seen friends’ widowed parents never even try to meet anyone else, and they’ve ended up isolated and lonely in their older years.

I won’t pretend it wasn’t hard. And I think it was harder for my sister who lived abroad and therefore each time she came home it was a new shock, rather than gradually getting used to it. It was also very very hard for my younger sibling still living at home.

I met the new partner for my mum’s sake, and put a brave face on it.

I am not cross with my mum for trying to rebuild her life. I am very disappointed though that she didn’t understand why my younger sibling found it so difficult, and my mum just got angry with the rudeness.

There needs to be a bit of understanding on both sides. Meeting him for coffee is not too much to ask. Him coming on holiday with you all would be too much to ask!

You’ve lost your dad, your mum has lost her life partner. You’ll never get another dad, and your mum isn’t trying to replace him either even though that’s what it may feel like to you. It is better for all of you if your mum can find some happiness again.

Why would her mum have to forgo her happiness?

OP has not said her mum can’t date and she is happy that she is happy.

But OP is not ready to meet this man yet as she is struggling with her own MH.

I don’t think it is but her mum obviously deserves happiness and love, it would be nice if her most treasured people, her DD’s, could be supportive of that and show up for just a short while.

Meeting for a coffee will be one of those things that, the thought of it is worse than going through with it

I have had a few health problems and have had the conversation with my fantastic husband that if he found someone who made him happy after I died it would be with my full support and blessing. How do you know your parents didn’t have these sort of discussions

This is well put.

That's manipulative nonsense. Her DDs do not exist to validate her relationship.

She doesn't have to break the relationship off but she needs to understand that this is hard for her daughters and allow them to take their own time, just as she did.

All this talk of OP's mum "moving on" is bullshit.

Widows don't "move on" you "move forward" with their life; what's the alternative? Standing still for the rest of your days and doing nothing?

When your life partner dies, you lose your present, and your future in a very minute-by-minute, day by day way.

You're caught up in grief but your mum is ready to move on and she has that right. It does not mean she didn't love your dad. She probably did a lot of her grieving during his illness.

Please meet him and be polite. Your mum deserves that.

I would also suggest grief counseling to help you move on through the stages of grief.

It's a shame you're making her new found happiness about you.

Op, I don’t agree with the above. You’re entitled to your own feelings on it. You not being ready yet is in no way dismissing your mum’s happiness, you’re just not ready & if my DD was the same as you in these circumstances, I would be totally fine with it. We all process grief at our own pace & if you’re not ready then you’re not ready.

Some of these replies are extremely manipulative.

No one should do anything that jeopardises their MH.

Grief does not have a time limit and OP should not just get over it/suck it up just to appease her mum.

When my colleague lost her husband she came into work as normal until a few weeks later when the grief hit and she wasn’t able to come to work for a while.
It was very difficult being short staffed but no one would have ever tried to make her do something she wasn’t ready for.

The fact that some posters are completely dismissing OPs grief or MH is quite concerning.

OP has never said she doesn’t want her mum being with this man.

Some posters seem to be intentionally misreading and implying that she doesn’t want her mum to be happy, when she’s never said that.

If someone posted that they’d had a miscarriage and weren’t in a good place and didn’t want to attend a baby shower because of the effect it might have on them or because they’re worried their behaviour may make others feel uncomfortable - everyone would be telling her to put her MH first and not do anything that she doesn’t want to do.

No one’s happiness trumps anyone else’s, especially if it means having a big impact on someone’s MH.

Please meet him and be polite. Your mum deserves that.

OP is a grown woman.
She gets to decide who she wants to meet and when.

My thought would be that your dad would want this for your mum. I've read how people who are dying are often less scared for themselves than for those they leave behind, worrying about how well they will cope, wanting them to be happy. Your dad will have known how much your mum gave up to look after him, he'll know how isolated she'd be with you on the other side of the planet, he'd want her to find companionship like this and would no doubt have done the same if their roles had been reversed. What he wouldn't want I'm pretty sure is for you to be disapproving or make your mum feel bad about it out of some misplaced sense of loyalty to his memory. I do understand with your grief that it's easier to keep things in stasis, but who is that going to help really? I'd put a brave face on, meet him with her for coffee and if he's nice and makes her happy, I'd give them your blessing. You're going back to your own life far away. Wouldn't this be the best Xmas gift you could leave her with?

No one should do anything that jeopardises their MH.

It might help her MH. The fears she has about hating him and crying etc., are natural and not necessarily something to run away from. If she sees him and doesn't feel that way, that will be a positive. If she sees him and does, then she has something process and it's still a step forward from the fear and inertia. I'm not saying it will fix anything, grieving is long and open-ended, but better to see things in terms of these small steps rather than self-fulfilling 'jeopardy'.

But she is open to meeting him, just not right now as she’s still struggling with her grief.

And she doesn’t feel comfortable putting a date on it, as she obviously doesn’t know how she’s going to feel just yet.

I think she’s being really sensible.

So I gather Gory Bory from your many posts. I'm just posting my own take. Sure OP will balance them all and do what feels right for her.

Kindly try to embrace this.

When we lost my mum I was horrified at the thought of my dad moving on.

Turns out he never did and he was lonely and miserable. Looking back now I wish he had moved on and found some happiness again before he left us

I've been in your position and I did feel pressured into meeting the new partner. I want my dp to be happy and live a full life after their loss but it is also really difficult seeing someone else in place where my dm should be. Its very mixed emotions and you shouldn't be forced into meeting someone you are not ready to meet but also do think your dm is happy which counts for a lot.

YANBU to feel like this. What would be the kind thing to do, to support your mum? Probably meet him... But your feelings are valid

My DF died in July and last week my mum sold his car and bought a new one. I was heartbroken - not because I want his car rusting on the drive, but because it forced me to think about how he isn't here to drive it anymore.

I know it's not the same as a new partner, and I don't want my mum driving around an old car if a new one makes her happy... But I still cried