Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Child-safe in minutes.

Meet the Other Phone.
Child-safe in minutes.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

"Its like downtown Kabul round here"

344 replies

PyongyangKipperbang · 19/09/2023 02:34

This has been bugging me all day.

Took my father (72) to a hospital appointment today as my mother was suffering with a migraine.

As we drove from our village through town he made this comment. It was school run time and we had just driven past two women who were wearing traditional muslim attire , wearing full matching outfits, one in black and one in the most stunning purple. Forgive me for not using the correct names but I would rather not try than get them wrong. There were a fair few families dressed similarly, but more that were in jeans and trainers!

Our small town is very very multicultural. My ex husband is Jamaican by heritage, British by birth as ex MIL and late FIL were both part of the Windrush generation. There is a large Asian community and now a lot of Eastern Europeans too.

Me - What?! They follow a different religion and dress that way, so what? And at least their dd's get to go to school.

Him - Oh well if youa re going to be like that about it

Me - Yes I am. In Kabul W X Y Z (my dd's, his GD's) wouldnt be allowed to go to school and would be forced to wear certain clothes, unlike here where we just let people be.

Then he said "well thats what I think and I can say it if I think it" and I said "Not in my car you cant. and if you think that they should all go back to where they came from, that includes Z (youngest DD, mixed race)"

Silence for a second and then "Thank you for the lift, I will get out at the lights and walk the rest of the way" I said to stop being childish. Then a dickhead cut me up and I called him as such and father said "Oh I bet all the bad drivers are only white british....." in a mumble. I said "Well as it happens, that one was" dropped him off at the hospital and all was done.

He has been cobby with me since. He needed a couple of favours later today as he can no longer drive and Ma couldnt because of her head and it was couched very much as "Your mother needs this and I cant go" rather than, as it would normally me "would you do me a favour?"

I wasnt wrong to pull him up on this was I? He isnt "elderly", just fucking "ist" when it suits him and inclusive when it doesnt. For example, DD1's partner is autistic which is thinks is made up and attention seeking...."apart from [him]". He has always been like this but I strongly suspect I am going to get the silent treatment for a while (unless he needs something). And yes, he does read THAT paper.......

We are very close and I love him very much and he me. But when Mr Daily Hate comes out......not so much..,,,

OP posts:
playthegame · 19/09/2023 08:45

Absolutely this!!

My Mum is almost 70 and she is not racist or bigoted in her views.
It’s not a generational thing, it’s an ignorance thing!

Mamai90 · 19/09/2023 08:47

Being older isn't an excuse, my parents are in their 70s and would never make a comment like this, quite the opposite, if someone had spoken like that in their company they'd have pulled them up on it too.

You did the right thing by calling him out.

DungareesAndTrombones · 19/09/2023 08:48

My parents are both like this and trot out "facts" off the Daily Fail and drive me round the bend. Lots of "this country is an island and we are sinking" and once my vile step dad said he would push the small boats back. When I said "what?! Even with children in them??" He muttered that he didn't mean the children, just the men 🙄

BansheeofInisherin · 19/09/2023 08:48

I would call him out civilly, but not stop giving him lifts or helping him. He's still your dad.

Pollyputhekettleon · 19/09/2023 08:50

BansheeofInisherin · 19/09/2023 08:35

Well @Pollyputhekettleon you won't say what the dishonesty is, so you know I have to play the "victim card." However, you do say that you think multiculturism has failed. That tells me everything.

When the NHS collapses, and brown and black women are being imported to look after the elderly here, I bet no one will be complaining about their nurses and care workers wearing hijabs.

I certainly did say why you were dishonest. It's not my fault if you can't or won't follow.

It's funny though, your attempt to silence the debate by referring to our supposed reliance for basic needs on those we disagree with is an exact parallel of what OP did to her father. Blackmail, threats, dishonesty and power tripping are what it comes down to, yet you shrieking 'anti-racists' fantasize that you're on the side of the angels.

MoonShinesBright · 19/09/2023 08:51

This reply has been deleted

This has been deleted by MNHQ for breaking our Talk Guidelines.

MrsMarzetti · 19/09/2023 08:52

OP My Dad died a few months ago. He had views that we didn't share but i would give anything to have him sat beside me spouting his views. One day soon you maybe sat wishing the same. He is your Dad and his views are outdated but do you really want to be full of regret once he has gone because it will haunt you forever.

Knitgoodwoman · 19/09/2023 08:53

72 really isn’t that old and that generation know racism is wrong! Well done Op.

BansheeofInisherin · 19/09/2023 08:55

@Pollyputhekettleon I haven't blackmailed or threatened anyone- just mentioned cold hard facts about how the UK isn't exactly self sufficient- and in fact I suggested the Op continue helping her dad. The only one power tripping here is you. But perhaps we shall agree to disagree. Carry on ranting in your corner of Little Britain. It has come to an end.

lollipoprainbow · 19/09/2023 08:55

MrsMarzetti · 19/09/2023 08:52

OP My Dad died a few months ago. He had views that we didn't share but i would give anything to have him sat beside me spouting his views. One day soon you maybe sat wishing the same. He is your Dad and his views are outdated but do you really want to be full of regret once he has gone because it will haunt you forever.

Same, lost my dad at 14.

Aquestioningmind · 19/09/2023 08:58

TBH I think you’re a massive hypocrite. Your user name is offensive and you’re going on about your dads comments?!

Surprised no one else has sparked on this.

BethDuttonsTwin · 19/09/2023 08:58

My dad has a brain tumour. His life is limited. I can still have convos with him but it's not like it was. I miss that. I regret the times I Pulled Him Up or gossiped with my sibling about his "questionable" views. He is a decorated veteran who devoted his whole life to trying to do what he believed was right and making sure my Mum, me and my sibling were safe and happy. I DGAF what he said then or now. Cringe at this thread.

Pollyputhekettleon · 19/09/2023 09:00

BansheeofInisherin · 19/09/2023 08:55

@Pollyputhekettleon I haven't blackmailed or threatened anyone- just mentioned cold hard facts about how the UK isn't exactly self sufficient- and in fact I suggested the Op continue helping her dad. The only one power tripping here is you. But perhaps we shall agree to disagree. Carry on ranting in your corner of Little Britain. It has come to an end.

Ah more Daily Mail cliches! Another of the so-called antiracists obsessions.

LondonLass91 · 19/09/2023 09:03

He wants to visit Forest Gate, it really is like kabul here!

Iwantcakeeveryday · 19/09/2023 09:04

You were not unreasonable. I tire of people thinking that being in your 70's means you will have been in a totally different world instead of the one they're in! These are the people that raised US! Are you all racist and prejudiced? No/ Then why do our parents get to be? they've been around our whole lives watching and being part of these changes. If they don't know these aren't the right things to say its because they've spent 40 years rejecting change and ignoring the pain these things cause. My parents are in their 70's and they don't speak like this.

LondonLass91 · 19/09/2023 09:05

PosterBoy · 19/09/2023 07:46

Great username

You were a dick to your dad to pick a fight over a throwaway observational comment about your neighbourhood. And then to threaten to throw him out halfway to the hospital.

Now you want the warmth of mumsnet responses to your brave challenge to casual 'racism'. Well done. Bravo.

I'm glad the women looked stunning in their purple attire (random).

Absolutely this, i don't even think the post is real!

Oliotya · 19/09/2023 09:07

People are entitled to those opinions.
People are not entitled to have other people listen to those opinions.
If you want to have a civil conversation about changing society, go ahead. But I don't want to hear derogatory comments like that.

readbooksdrinktea · 19/09/2023 09:08

Wind 'em up and watch them go...

ittakes2 · 19/09/2023 09:10

Of course you are right to pull him up and it’s great that you did but I think maybe by linking it to your car and given your elderly father is likely to already be upset he can’t drive and needs to ask for help - that’s created an issue.

Iwantcakeeveryday · 19/09/2023 09:11

Pollyputhekettleon · 19/09/2023 07:44

That's not incidental you know, nor is the OP's behaviour to her own father. 'Challenging racism' is one of the few remaining acceptable outlets for hatred, including class bigotry, among a certain class of people in western societies, which is partly why it's such a popular pastime.

Show quote history

what the fuck is this? Challenging racism is. a bad thing now is it? Its hateful to challenge hate? how the hell do you think that makes sense.

MegaManic · 19/09/2023 09:11

Potiphar · 19/09/2023 05:27

This is probably going to blow your mind, but has it occurred to you that maybe your father is right?
Perhaps our mad rush towards multiculturalism is a mistake that, in the long run, isn’t good for anyone.
Perhaps our modern tendency to label anyone who is a bit different (or who might be a bit of a pain in the arse) as neurodiverse is a mistake.

How do you know you’re right and not him?

She knows she's right because most of MN will agree with her and when people don't they won't be allowed to speak in her presence. There is only tolerance for people from different cultures and none for daily mail reading, tory voting scum including her father. I particularly liked how when she felt her father wasn't being what she considered sufficiently racist she told him - ''and if you think that they should all go back to where they came from, that includes Z (youngest DD, mixed race)" - he said nothing of the sort but never mind, let's just get it in anyway.

Pollyputhekettleon · 19/09/2023 09:14

Iwantcakeeveryday · 19/09/2023 09:11

what the fuck is this? Challenging racism is. a bad thing now is it? Its hateful to challenge hate? how the hell do you think that makes sense.

Show quote history

There's no need to swear just because you don't understand something. You were free to ask for clarification. Although I suspect if you thought about it honestly for a few minutes you'd understand it just fine.

EarringsandLipstick · 19/09/2023 09:14

Finlesswonder · 19/09/2023 05:33

"we had just driven past two women who were wearing traditional muslim attire , wearing full matching outfits, one in black and one in the most stunning purple"
Cringe

Agree.

Really, OP.

EarringsandLipstick · 19/09/2023 09:15

Artesia · 19/09/2023 06:10

I don't see why you jumped from his initial comment to "well if you think they should go back to where they came from....". That's not what he said at all, and it seems a real leap on your part. Has he previously expressed racist comments? Otherwise o think you read way more into it than he actually said.

Exactly that.

You extrapolated wildly ... if he'd said what you're accusing him of, that's one thing.

His comment, as it stands, was observational & you leaped to conclusions, that you then felt allowed to bully him about.

MegaManic · 19/09/2023 09:16

Also i'm curious as to what his actual opinion is that is so offensive - after seeing multiple people dressed in 'muslin attire' he basically pointed out that it looked like a place where a lot of people are (forced to be) dressed in 'muslim attire'.
I wish people in the UK had the same level of interest in how women and girls are being treated in Kabul and how this culture is normalised in the UK and other western countries as they do in some offhand comment made by someones dad.

Swipe left for the next trending thread