Aibu, too much time at the gym

[Invisimamma]

Dp and I have had an argument tonight which is not like us and it's left me wondering AIBU?

He recently joined the gym as he wants to lose weight, I would like to lose weight too but I am not interested in the gym, it's just not for me. He's been going every day for the last month either before or after work, he works shifts so it's always different times of day. Including travel and showering he's gone about 2.5hrs each time.

He went to the gym yesterday morning before our DS birthday party and arrived back 15minutes before we needed to leave, that was fine because I had everything organised ready to go. Later on in the evening he suggested going to the gym again, I said I would rather he didn't go as he'd already been in the morning, I was tired from the party and wanted some help with the evening, dinner, packed lunches, ironing for school etc. DC are 9 and 13. He went in the huff because 'we weren't doing anything anyway.'

Today he got up and left for the gym at 3:45am so he could workout before starting work at 7am. I think this is completely batshit behaviour as now he'll just be tired tonight and fall asleep early on the sofa. He said it's because I've stopped him going in the evening now he'll need to get up early and go at this time everyday. He's planning the same tomorrow. It got a bit heated and I said where is my 12+ hours a week to do something for myself and he said I'm welcome to get up early if I want to. But I don't want to wake up early, what would I even do? Sometimes I go for a lunchtime or evening walk, I wfh.

I just think he's taking the gym to the extreme, when he joined I thought it would 2-3 times a week and I was pleased he'd found something enjoyed, I didn't realise it would be 2hrs every day and now I'm starting to resent it. Am I wrong?

It's also worth mentioning that he has a health condition that is associated with extreme fatigue and joint pain but keeping active can help, so I dont want him to stop the gym altogetether I know it's good for him.

So as not to dripfeed we've always had a fair chores/childcare/mental load balance and he still mostly doing all the same stuff around the house so I'm not really sure what my issue is, he's just really pissed me off and he can't seem to see my point of view.

I love working out and do prefer a morning workout as I seem to have more energy in the morning plus there's noone around, it's so quiet and calm. However, to workout every day is excessive and not recommended. He should be having at least one rest day a week.

Why don't you start running instead of walking? You'll burn more calories and your exercise will be over with quicker.

I WFH sometimes and do a workout in my lunch break at home, I bought a mini trampoline and it's really fun. I recommend giving that a go.

I probably do 1.5hours x6 a week, DH about 2 hours but only x4 a week. We always try really hard to accommodate and prioritise each other going to the gym but if one of us had a good reason we'd ask the other to go at a different time of day or find a way to work around it.
I absolutely don't think a couple of hours a day is unreasonable but I think where possible he should be trying to accommodate you and family as well.

@Invisimamma it sounds like you’ve got a good partner in life.

It’s great that he wants to get fit and look after his health. The recent, excessive gym going could be a grief reaction to losing his mum so keep your eye on him in case a healthy habit is becoming an unhealthy addiction.

I think you should also think about what you can do for you. You said you want to get fitter and enjoy walking…I know it’s not the same as being outdoors but you could walk on a treadmill whilst listening to your podcast?

Finally, if his gym going isn’t interfering in your family life then have a think about why exactly you’re feeling as you are… do you feel left behind? Maybe examine your feelings and see what comes up.

Classic MN. The guy wants to get fit and lose weight so there must be another woman😂

MN hates men having any kind of hobby, lol.

Swap the gym for football or video games and everyone would be telling her to LTB

I probably do 1.5hours x6 a week

Same here. I’m usually back before my husband knows I’ve gone.

My hubby has gone to the gym everyday since being about 14 and that's never ever changed. He loves it and I never cared what time he went before we had children. As soon as our eldest was in a routine and went to bed at 7pm, that's when he'd go so he didn't miss out family time.

We have 3 kids now and it's much the same. The only time it's differed is when I'd just had our babies for maybe two months because I needed help and was tired. Then he'd miss days or weeks to ensure we were all OK and fed/watered during marathon cluster feeding sessions.

To avoid arguments I'd just sit down and work out the most convenient time for your household. Like I said, hubby goes at 7pm and I sit and chill with a glass of wine or have a bubble bath. Chores are split relatively equally......and just to add, he does an hour workout so with travel it's maybe 1.5hrs. I think it sounds like ur hubby is really enjoying the feel good aspect and if he's seeing results too it's very addictive. Whereas my hubby has always gone so it's more about maintenance for him and doesn't need to put the time in as such. I'm sure he'll reign it back a bit when he's happy with his fitness and overall goals are met.

My trainer and most trainers normally promote rest days to improve performance and not prevent strain on the muscles. Not fully do nothing but stick to steps.

also I’m seeing a lot of people saying about the chores etc and it’s great that he is still contributing but what I’d have an issue with (personally) is the lack of time as a couple. It doesn’t sound like you’re getting any quality time together and so for this reason I think you’re being perfectly reasonable.

Not to mention if he gets 12 hours a week+ for a hobby you should be allowed some you time, even if that’s sitting on your phone on Instagram.

I think you should be supportive actually. He is in “the zone” it’s great, like amazing great and I recently discovered this doesn’t happen to everyone so you either know or you don’t. Also, this pace wont last, so let him continue to go and loose the weight whilst his still having fun with it because when it’s stops, then the weight loss stops and that’s when you’re out the zone and the hard slog starts….that’s never fun!

Sadly I am like your husband. I get up at 4.30-5am to do a workout (I don’t do the gym though I would love to) I do sometimes use it though and I always get up early to do it

i love how it makes me feel physically and mentally and my body is the best it’s ever been!!

I think I side with your husband.

some people find the gym to be a really safe haven where they can unwind and be in control (of their bodies). It is like a really nice club if you find a good gym. It is so good for mental health.

However yanbu. You both need to come to some agreement about the time he spends at the gym.

The people guessing he is seeing someone are crazy and haven’t been to the 24/7 gyms. Some men never seem to leave and you wonder if they haven’t got a home to go to.

Nobody is denying her 12+ hours a week for a hobby. The OP elected not to join him at the gym, not to get up early to do any kind of other activity and not to actually look for things she is interested in. It's not her husband's fault. It's not lack of opportunity. It's her own personal choice which she is free to take.

I don't think they were spending much family time at 3.45am. He already compromised by going to the gym early when she got upset over him going in the evening. There is an entire evening and weekend to spend time together as a family. Even if someone goes to bed relatively early to accommodate the morning routine.

I think provided your OH is pulling his weight with jobs in the home and childcare there really shouldn’t be an issue.

If this were me I’d let this play out without much comment. It’s likely it’s a phase and he will get knackered from getting up early and burn himself out.

OR the new routine will really suit him and you’ll have a happy and rather hench husband?

There’s sometimes no point whatsoever in digging your heels in.

This is a silly amount, but he’s seeing results so he’s getting obsessive with it. If it doesn’t tail off you may need to sit down as this is excessive behaviour which isn’t healthy in itself. People don’t need to go 7x per week.

How is it eating into family time at 4am…he’s allowed a life too

Honestly it’s the most ridiculous post, because he has an interest in looking after himself. If he’s pulling his weight at home leave the guy alone

Lots of people spend 1-2 hours at the gym every day. It isn’t that unusual. It’s positive thar he’s focusing on his health & fitness.

I understand what you’re saying and agree in principle. But does that mean that the relationship is less important because you’re either at the gym or too tired to be present? Or that your children’s needs are less important? Or that sharing the household load is less important?
how do you prioritise the gym every day without it impacting other important parts of life?
im not saying don’t ever work out, just not everyday and not for 2+ hours

By going when everyone is sleeping for a start. It's very possible to go daily or almost every day and still share the household load and spend quality time with family.

Sorry but I think you are being slightly unreasonable. What are you realistically going to do together at 4am before he starts work? If he’s going before work how does it impact you if he’s starting work at 7… he wouldn’t be around anyway to help with the kids or school run etc. he’s also a grown man, he’ll learn the hard way if it gets too much. It sounds like you are resenting him because you have no time to yourself.. if he’s home in the evening then you can do something. If he’s tired that’s his problem- not yours- for getting up to early

He needs to get a personal trainer to teach him how to do an effective workout in a hour max. Before I had my son, I was super lean and I only worked out 30 mins a day before work. You don't need hours unless your training for a sport/ competition.

It's a myth that fat can turn to muscle or vice versa, it's like saying an apple can turn into an orange.
You can burn fat and build muscle but not turn one to the other.

Yes muscle is denser than fat.
It's still better have a high BMI because of muscle than to have a high BMI because of fat.

That’s great if you’re not falling asleep by 8.30 because you’ve gotten up so early, because then your relationship is suffering.

The issue is sleep is something you need. He might be getting up in the middle of the night, but he must be going to bed in the early evening, to get anything like 6 or 7 hours sleep.
Where is 'their' time as a couple?

It's definitely something to be aware of. Though, at the same time, relationships can suffer if one tries to prevent the other from having a hobby simply because they don't currently want to fit in a hobby themselves.